#1 Posted by RedRobinTimDrake (166 posts) - - Show Bio

2038 Empty Warehouse...

"Get in the freezing process jeremy" USAgent said to his beloved child jeremy. "No dad i am not leaving you behind!" Jeremy yelled at his father. "You have to for me and every living being in the future. You will be ....the future soldier" "n-" jeremy is cut off by the kick of his father making him fly back into the freezing process. USAgent sets the freezing for one hundred and ninety years! Iron soldiers blow off the roof top with their repulser blasts. "give up john we have you surrounded." the man said as he raised his hand ready to fire a blast if USAgent made another move. "I am sorry general but I just cant." He said knowing he couldn't fight off all of the soldiers and he took one last glimpse at his son jeremy. as he looked back at the general throwing his shield knocking the helmet off. "Get him!!" the general yelled. USAgent ran out the door with all of the iron soldiers following. They all fire their repulser blasts at USAgent, but USAgent turned around deflecting the blasts making them go back and kill two of the men. USAgent fell backwards with the soldiers sill following him. USAgent got out his knife quickly carving as well as he could a letter for jeremy to hopefully see some day. It said, Jeremy if you ever see this I am telling you that you have to stop the iron age. The general slowly proceeded towards USAgent charging up his repulser blast and firing it through John's head.

2200,Empty Warehouse...... New York

"Freezing process complete." The computer said. Jeremy started to thaw out the door to his chamber opened and he fell face first to the ground."Where am I?" jeremy said as he rubbed his head. He stood up off balance because he hasn't walked in over one hundred years. He proceeded out the front door in amazement seeing a city like no other. "what happened? Dad!! Are you here" jeremy said as a tear began to slide down the side of his face. "No Jeremy he is not it has been one hundred and ninety years since he died. " The computer exclaimed. " what happened to my father? how did he die?" jeremy asked and the computer replied." Iron soldiers killed him,picked him off like every other hero that tied to stop them" the computer said. " I will get his stuff back from stark lab"jeremy said in an angry voice. "It is no longer stark labs it is called Ferrum tech. now." " well i must get as many things as i can of his it is all that I have left " jeremy then walked out the front door heading to Ferrum labs. It is night by the time he reaches the lab. there are guards on every corner of the building. "At least my father taught me some of his moves" Jeremy says to his self. Then he climbs a building and from there hops onto Ferrum tech.'s building. He holds on for deer life if he makes one wrong step he will fall fifty feet down. Jeremy breathes heavily as he slowly and quietly opens a window and climbs in. A camera is in the hall next to the stairs. He gets out his knife throwing it at it. A man walks in the looking to see what happened to the camera. The man picks up his communicator ready to alert the others there is someone inside the building but before he can a hand wraps around his mouth and a arm around his throat killing him. He gets to the basement of the building finding not his fathers shield but yet captain americas and decides he'll have to stay with that. A man walks in the basement with a gun aimed at Jeremy." don't make me do this child. put the shield down!" Jeremy just looked at the man and then threw the shield at the left side of his jaw making him fly into barrels filled with fluids they looked harmfull but it was acid and it burnt all the way to the meat under the skin on his face ! The man injected shots into his arms trying to stop the pain but it did nothing but keep him alive. Jeremy left the building going back to the warehouse.

TO BE CONTINUED.............

PLease leave comments

#2 Posted by Time_Phantom (611 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm sorry dude but I'm having trouble reading this wall of text. If you could giv each line of dialoge it's own paragraph that would do leaps and bounds better. Good set up so far though

#3 Posted by batkevin74 (12471 posts) - - Show Bio

@RedRobinTimDrake: It's good, I just PM'd you a suggestion edit for your story, just polishing what you've got. I agree with @Time_Phantom: this is hard to read as it is

#4 Posted by batkevin74 (12471 posts) - - Show Bio

@RedRobinTimDrake: Any more of USAgent?

#5 Posted by primepower53 (6064 posts) - - Show Bio

@Time_Phantom said:

I'm sorry dude but I'm having trouble reading this wall of text. If you could giv each line of dialoge it's own paragraph that would do leaps and bounds better. Good set up so far though


And as I've said on your posts numerous times, EXPAND THE INFORMATION! GIVE MORE DESCRIPTIONS!

#6 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (842 posts) - - Show Bio

Yeah I made a cooment on your Hawkeye stuff, same applies here man! The ide a is good but its all squished up, mispelt (and I'm not a great speller at all, plus I have a rubbish computer). As all the peeps above have said, I agree