#1 Posted by batkevin74 (11153 posts) - - Show Bio

Gotland, United Kingdom of Scandinavia, HQ of the European Assassination Division

Scalphunter stood in a large conference room looking at a gathering of twenty people, surrounding him on plastic flat packed chairs.

“So which one of you is the traitor?” he asked in a menacing tone “One of you is and we are not leaving until I find out who?”

“What are you talking about?” asked a woman “You called us all in here telling us you had a present for us”

“One of you morons let a job slide back to that idiot Bishop Cain...I don't know what's worse his real name or that he STILL calls himself Cut Throat”

“Oh that was me” replied the woman “You were in the US and the Supreme Commander marked it urgent”

“Countersigned by the chairman of Ferrum right?” asked Scalphunter

“Yes sir”

“How come I’ve never seen them two together? They’re the same person like Santa Claus and Jesus or Mr Sinister and Dr Essex…oh my god! Mr Sinister is the Supreme Commander and Dr Essex is the Chairman…he’s a quadruple personality!” Scalphunter rubbed his chin as he mused

“Can we go now?” asked a man on the end

“TRAITOR!” yelled Scalphunter thrusting the sword at him “Only a traitor would say things like that?”

The man looked worriedly at the sword point that pricked the end of his nose

“I got this sword a few days ago and I may need to blood it” said Scalphunter “Do you bleed or produce oil Doombot?”

“I’m not a Doombot!” protested the man

“Only a Doombot would say that” said Scalphunter as he pressed the sword slightly harder, indenting the man’s nose but as yet not breaking the skin “How often do you report to Doom?”

“I don’t report to Doom!” yelled the man “This is insane!”

“Classic Doombot” commented Scalphunter “But you’re spying days are over”

“I’M. NOT. A. DOOM. BOT!” yelled the man at Scalphunter

Scalphunter looked him dead in the eye “I know” and he slid the sword through his face and out the back of his skull until the tang rested on what use to be his nose. Scalphunter looked at the shocked nineteen others and quick drew his revolver and pumped three head shots into the fat guy on the end. His head exploded in a shower of sparks and circuitry

“And that you bunch of goat fornicating, pencil pushing, moronic pancake eaters; is why you NEVER, EVER let anyone but YOU use your terminals. Swordface here let Tubby the Doombot play on his and look how that all turned out” Scalphunter withdrew the sword and kicked the corpse as it fell “Silly swordface. Now that takes care of item number one on my meeting agenda aptly named kill the idiot who let a Doombot use his terminal; um let’s see what’s next…oh yeah by show of hands who likes my new sword?”

The remaining eighteen shot their hands into the air as quick as a blink

“Kiss asses!” laughed Scalphunter “Right item three, lose weight. Some of you are desk potatoes and that means like Tubby, you can get replicated and the fatter you are the more machine they can use, imagine old tin face had made Tubby a bomb. Yeah scary huh. One day as you drink your Al-Mar coffee and BOOM the fat guy explodes and you dead! So no more fat people or I’ll put you on MY radical weight loss program which comes with a personal training session with my sword lopping off YOUR head. Capish?”

The gathering nodded furiously.

“Now why are we outsourcing jobs to useless and his American Assassination Division?” asked Scalphunter as he took a seat on the body “Anyone…Bueller?”

“Well sir as Martika said” replied Bueller “You’ve been in the US and…” Bueller stopped as Scalphunter began tapping the sword into the palm of his left hand “It stops now sir!”

“You bet your sweet peach like buttocks it stops” said Scalphunter “If that surgically enhanced, upgraded monkey takes another one of my jobs I’ll skin you THEN kill you and everyone who ever knew you and all their friends! Do you get me?”

The group looked at him and each other a little blankly

“This is where you all bark in unison ‘WE GET YOU SIR!’ then yell hoorah and we have a montage” explained Scalphunter “Useless pencil pushers! Get out, shoo go on!”

They quickly left as Scalphunter examined the remains of the Doombot “Helloooooo? You still transmitting? Well just in case I’m going to get you Doctor. Got a job in Cuba that I’m on route to but when I’m back; you, me and my sword are going to have a little chat. Reminisce on old times like that time I almost killed you. See ya Vicky”

Castle Doomstadt, capital of New Latveria

Doctor Doom sat pensively watching a wall of monitors. Each was the p.o.v from a Doombot that were spread through the world of the Iron Army. Some were in mundane jobs, some in the upper echelons but all reported back to this site recording and collating data that could be of use.

Victor caressed his chin as he watched Scalphunter challenge him via satellite as the signal from the Gotland Doombot faded. Doom’s left hand balled into a fist and shook with rage. Decades ago he would have simply appeared behind him and tear the upstart asunder, but nearly a century of rule had calmed the impetuousness of his younger days. He ruled New Latveria and kept them safe from the monsters of the Iron Army and his days of ‘adventuring’ were over.

But Scalphunter…Doom wanted to have the gibbering assassin stretched across a frame and hung on his wall! It was ten; no twelve years ago when Scalphunter had come the closest anybody had come to killing him, Dr Doom absent mindedly rubbed his sternum as he recalled the day in…

Zagreb 2188: Victor Von Doom had just finished inspecting the troops at a nearby garrison when he waved off his bodyguard to simply walk through Ban Jelacic Square. A simple illusion made the ruler of New Latveria appear to be an old man as he wandered the Square. Doom admired the large statue of a man on horseback wielding a sword. The inscription read {Ban Josip Jelacic hero of the 1848 Hungarian Revolution. Created by Anton Dominik Fernkorn 1866 Removed 1947 Reinstalled 1987}

Doom like the piece and stood there appreciating it.

“Beautiful isn’t it” said a man next to him in Croatian

“Indeed” replied Doom

“Not as beautiful as this moment” said the man

Doom turned to the man “Explain yourself!”

The man smiled “It’s not every day you get to commit regicide!” And with that he stabbed Doom in the centre of the chest with a sword. Doom grabbed the blade and held back the man driving it further into his chest, his illusion faltering.

“This wasn’t my plan Vicky” said the man as he tried to drive the sword home “But this will do as a serendipitous course of action”

“Vash…tna” began Doom to chant

“Oh no you don’t!” said the man as he clicked a device between his fingers “This white noise neural chaff generator will keep you from going all hocus pocus on me. And this!” He threw a cube onto the ground surrounding them in a bubble of force “Will prevent any outside help”

Soon people spotted the ruckus and began to gather about the bubble in the Square.

“I’m Scalphunter by the way. Killer, assassin, fashionista, terrorist, mercenary and lover” he swept Doom’s legs and put him on his back and drove the sword home. Doom gripped the blade preventing it from killing him. Doom fired a blast from his gauntlet but Scalphunter ducked

“Nasty! But too slow” he chuckled as he kicked Doom in the groin and tried to finish the job

“Get off me!” Doom yelled as he fired an omni-directional blast knocking Scalphunter against the bubble

“That hurt!” snapped Scalphunter trying to decapitate Doom who blocked the swing with his forearm. Scalphunter grabbed a vial from his belt and smashed it into Doom’s face sending glass and fire ants into his armour “But not as much as this I’ll bet!”

Doom backhanded Scalphunter as the insects crawled and stung his face. Scalphunter looked and saw a crowd had gathered and soldiers on route, along with Doom’s bodyguards

“Better go doc but this is for you” he threw a grenade at Doom and teleported away.

Doom raised his own shields and the device exploded coating everything inside the bubble with a fine silvery metal. Doom dropped his shields and studied the force bubble when he spotted Scalphunter sitting on the statue juggling some grenades

“Watch your step Doomsie” cautioned Scalphunter “That’s Antarctic Vibranium you’ve stepped in, also known as Anti-Metal.”

Doom looked down as his boots began to dissolve, the anti-metal rotting the molecular bonds. Scalphunter threw the grenades into the crowd. Doom ripped off his faceplate to clear the ants, the Antarctic vibranium continued to chew through the metal of his armour. Doom focused his mind and teleported himself out of his armour and back to Doomstadt

Scalphunter looked at the chaos he caused and smirked

**Doom got up from his chair as the screen went black on his Gotland Doombot. Maybe it was time to step things up. They'd struck a savage blow via the War Machine fiasco...

#2 Posted by joshmightbe (25051 posts) - - Show Bio

Doom is probably eager to see something horrible happen to Scalphunter

#3 Posted by batkevin74 (11153 posts) - - Show Bio

@joshmightbe: Yeah Doom keeps grudges. He's got the Iron Army invading his doorstep, an old foe taunting him via satelitte, Carol "whingeing" at him about the NZ SHIELD base, plus running a country that's massive he's got a lot on his plate!

#4 Posted by tomdickharry1984 (837 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Holy $#!+ you've been busy! I love Scalphunter! He's like deadpol but better! Throwing Anti-Metal & ants at Doom is funny and genus :) Best bit is the comparrisson between Santa and Sinster! GOLD!

@batkevin74 said:

“Oh that was me” replied the woman “You were in the US and the Supreme Commander marked it urgent”

“Countersigned by the chairman of Ferrum right?” asked Scalphunter

“Yes sir”

“How come I’ve never seen them two together? They’re the same person like Santa Claus and Jesus or Mr Sinister and Dr Essex…oh my god! Mr Sinister is the Supreme Commander and Dr Essex is the Chairman…he’s a quadruple personality!” Scalphunter rubbed his chin as he mused

“Can we go now?” asked a man on the end

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (11153 posts) - - Show Bio

@tomdickharry1984: Yeah 2 weeks no Internet sent me into a writing frenzy!

#6 Posted by Time_Phantom (529 posts) - - Show Bio

"WE GET YOU SIR!".... Starship Troopers? Great work Scalp Hunter and doom throwing down will be great.

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (11153 posts) - - Show Bio

Yeah butbfirst he's got an appointment in Cuba with friend of ours :)

#8 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5782 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Ah Scalphunter. As bad ass as he has ever been. Only somebody very brave or very stupid taunts Doom, only those who are very talented and/or lucky get away with their lives.

#9 Edited by batkevin74 (11153 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Ah Scalphunter. As bad ass as he has ever been. Only somebody very brave or very stupid taunts Doom, only those who are very talented and/or lucky get away with their lives.

Very true. Iron Age Scalphunter is fun to write. His only super power is healing factor, the rest is just skill

#10 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5782 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Got to say thanks. This and Secret Defenders gave me insipiration to make him the bad ass stoic he is in Uncanny X-Men.