LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN
A ten-minute play
By
Stephyn O’Leary
Draft #: 10
Rock Point School
ST.PETER Older Man, Beard Suit. Conservative look
HOWARD Liberal look. Middle Aged, Pajamas
GOD Old Man, Hawaiian Shirt, Suit Case, Sun Glasses
AZREAL Female Angel of Death, twenties, jeans, t shirt, bit grimy
AT RISE: An older man running into a cloudy area. There’s a giant set of pearly gates and a small empty desk in front of them with a sign reading “On Lunch Break be back in 10 minutes”
ST.PETER
Crap, I’m late for work, well maybe they haven’t caught him yet.
(ST.PETER wanders over to the desk, and removes the sign, and pulls out some keys as he wanders over to the gates, when suddenly a voice calls out to him off stage)
HOWARD
(Off Stage)
Oh My God. WHERE AM I!?!?!?!!!!
(ST.PETER Jumps and drops the keys, his face is a look of sheer terror)
(HOWARD wanders in and runs over to ST.PETER who is just standing in the same place looking down, his face a mixture of horror and fear)
HOWARD
Hey, do you know where we are? I mean, last thing I remember is charging into my son’s closet, and then being eaten by some creature that looked suspiciously like a Kardashian…
ST.PETER
YOU IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO!
HOWARD
What are you talking about? I just asked you a question and you started freaking out! I don’t even know who you are or where we are!
ST.PETER
(A bit calmer)
My name, Sir, is Saint Peter. I am the Guard of Heaven’s gate, and you just made me drop the keys to the gates!!!
HOWARD
Wait, I’m dead? I can’t be dead!
ST.PETER
Sir, you need to settle down. Now what is you’re name and occupation. A locksmith I hope?
HOWARD
It’s Howard, Howard Malevich. I just tried to save my son from the monster in his closet, and no I’m not a locksmith, I’m a Liberal Arts Professor.
ST.PETER
(Walks over to his desk and examines a book.)
Ah Yes, Mr. Malevich. died at 8:35 pm after being eaten by a large monster living in his sons closet. Not a Kardashian, after all, though you were not that far off. How are you then? I hope your death was most pleasant. By the way do you know any locksmiths who are soon to perish?
HOWARD
I was chewed up and spit out. So no, it was not pleasant, it was repulsive! Where is my wife?!
ST.PETER
(Checks his book)
Hmmmm.... Lets see Martha Malevich, died about two minutes after you did and was sent to…Oh I’m terribly sorry Mr. Malevich your wife was sent to The Field of Screams in Hell. Your son survived.
HOWARD
So I’m all alone!
(HOWARD cries into his hands and falls to his knees)
(ST.PETER walks over to HOWARD and pats his pack)
ST.PETER
There there, Mr. Malevich the Field of Screams isn’t that bad. It’s actually quite nice compared to the other parts of Hell. It’s the “Richer” side of hell as I have heard you humans are fond of saying. They even have a 24-hour Lava pool and Room Avarice.
HOWARD
Room Avarice? You mean room service right? They bring you food and clothing there?
ST.PETER
No I meant avarice; it’s when they send in a group of demons to steal any worldly value you have left. I heard it’s quite transcendental afterwards, after all when you loose everything you must be closer to nature.
HOWARD
Even if that nature is full of brimstone and fire?
ST.PETER
Now you’re in the spirit .
(Pulls HOWARD up and smacks him on the back)
Now do you know any good locksmiths or not?
HOWARD
I don’t know any locksmith sorry. Look the gates probably just need a little elbow grease. I was hockey player in college you know. No one, and I mean no one, kept those benches warmer than me.
(HOWARD walks towards the gates)
ST.PETER
I would not suggest doing that Mr. Malevich; we just got our new security sys-
(HOWARD ignores ST.PETER and gives the gates a hard tug. He is then heavily electrocuted. HOWARD shakes and spits, zapping noise in the background. HOWARD then falls down in front of the gates)
ST.PETER
Well that wasn’t a very smart move.
HOWARD
Oww…why do you even have a security system, its Heaven…
ST.PETER
We got a new security system when God escaped under the identity of a “ Mr. Kurt Kobain” escaped Heaven. He was so bored he climbed over the gates of Heaven to get out. It took years before we finally caught him. He was posing as a grunge singer in Seattle.
(HOWARD stares at ST.PETER quizzically)
Yes, God has gotten a bit senile in the past few millenniums, and has been known to run away to earth a few times and pose as one of you humans. Creating the Big Bang can do that to you I suppose.
HOWARD
Why don’t we just call God and ask him to open the gates?
ST.PETER
God’s gone on another one of his escape routes. He got caught posing as a history teacher in Burlington, Vermont. We sent out a couple Sentrys to get him.
HOWARD
Okay then….Hey how come I’m the only one up here? People die all the time?
ST.PETER
We cleaned out all those Occupy protesters months ago. They ended up leaving trash everywhere. They couldn’t seem to realize that only 1% of the population goes to Heaven. Then again they also didn’t seem to realize that you can’t get cell service up here. But let me tell you that didn’t stop them from trying to order their pizza, they tried everything: carrier pigeons, messages in bottles, they even tried to give a note to that Sky Diver who jumped from space.
HOWARD
How’d that work out?
ST.PETER
Horribly. Upon seeing all of us angels, he freaked out and landed on top of Jesus’ hut. We scared The Sky Diver so much the poor guy so much he just rejumped through the clouds.
ST.PETER
Alright God’s going to be back soon we need to do something drastic.
(ST.PETER opens his desk and starts rummaging through it)
HOWARD
Drastic?
ST.PETER
(Pulls out a handful of lightening bolts)
We need to kill a locksmith.
HOWARD
You’re kidding me right?
ST.PETER
(Stands up from his desk and wanders over to a cloud, HOWARD follows.) Nope.
(HOWARD looks over ST.PETERs shoulder as he pushes the clouds aside and throws the lightening bolt into a hole.)
ST.PETER
Shoot I missed him!
HOWARD
Let me try!
(HOWARD grabs a lightening Bolt and chucks it into the hole)
ST.PETER
(Glaring at a blushing HOWARD)
Great Job, Mr. Malevich you just killed the dinosaurs.
HOWARD
Wait how can I have killed the dinosaurs they existed billons of years ago?
ST.PETER:
Isn’t it obvious, Howard? Time does not matter in heaven; we never age past when we want to and we can travel to any time we can think of, such as Jurassic period.
HOWARD
So you choose to be an old man?
ST. PETER
Shut up and throw.
(ST.PETER and HOWARD continue to throw lightening bolts into the hole.)
ST.PETER
Okay let’s see who we’ve killed, the dinosaurs, Socrates, Billy The Kid, Manfred Mann, Stalin, Andy Warhol and Hitler.
HOWARD
Won’t God get angry that we killed off all these famous historical figures? Well maybe he’ll let us get away with killing Hitler, but not Socrates. Were in deep trouble!
ST.PETER
Save your angry liberal rants for someone who cares. God’s gone off the deep end, keeps talking about colonizing Mars and pulling pranks on the North Koreans. He’s too busy telling North Koreans about unicorns to care about humans.
HOWARD
But…but…who runs heaven then? And we didn’t even kill a locksmith.
ST.PETER
Us angels do of course. It’s beautiful really, full of metal skyscrapers and beautiful women. It rains money and the stocks are always high. Wall Street is a pathetic attempt to emulate heaven.
HOWARD (Brief Pause)
That sounds awful.
ST.PETER
Well for your information, having a Capitalist Heaven is better then having a socialist hell.
HOWARD
Hey who’s that over there?
(Enter AZRAEL)
ST.PETER
Hello, Miss. I am St. Peter and this is my associate Howard, hey you look familiar have you died before?
(ST.PETER falls to his knees and looks up at the woman)
Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know it was you! Please don’t send me to the lake of boiling pudding again!
AZREAL
Save it Pete, I wanna know which one of you idiots keeps killing life on earth. You know how many dinosaur souls I just had to deal with?!
HOWARD
Ummm so who are you exactly?
AZRAEL
You mere mortal question who I am?! I am Azreal, angel of death and destruction and you idiots have increased my workload more in the last two minutes than the bubonic plague did a few centuries ago.
ST.PETER
I’m so sorry!
(Crawls over and kisses her feet)
AZRAEL
Get off the ground Peter you’re groveling worse then Michael did after he wasn’t invited to Cthululus party.
ST.PETER
Yes your majesty.
(He gets up and stands near Howard, while AZRAEL crosses her arms)
HOWARD
So let me get this straight, you’re not a locksmith?
AZRAEL
No, I’m not a locksmith. I’m an angel. Why do you even need a locksmith any way?
HOWARD
Dummy here, lost the keys to Heaven.
AZRAEL
(Raises an eyebrow)
You’re kidding me?
HOWARD:
Nope.
AZRAEL
Wooow….
HOWARD
Yup.
ST.PETER
Lets not place blame here we need to figure out what to do before God gets back from vacation and so I can finally start mine.
HOWARD
Where do you guys go on vacation? I mean you’re in Heaven, isn’t it supposed to be Paradise?
AZRAEL
Sure it’s paradise, if you like being stuck in a suit 24/7 and arguing with a bunch of pompous billionaires, it is.
ST.PETER
Don’t listen to her. It is Paradise though sometimes it gets boring so we go visit the other realms and pantheons. I am going to Mount Olympus where I will be proposing to my girlfriend Aphrodite.
AZRAEL
They’re so much alike, snobby upper-class deities who believe they’re better then everyone else.
ST.PETER
Okay that’s quite enough now lets try to figure out how to open these gates, any ideas?
HOWARD
Wait a second, you guys are angels right? Can’t you just use your wings and fly over the gates and open them from the inside?
(AZRAEL and ST.PETER give HOWARD a look of confused pity)
AZRAEL: (To St. PETER)
I think he’s going mad.
ST.PETER
Quite mad, that’s to be expected though. He watched his wife get eaten by the Monster a little while ago.
HOWARD
What are you guys talking about?
AZRAEL
(Slowly) You think we have wings.
HOWARD
Well that’s what they teach us in church, that you all have wings and harps and trumpets galore. They say sometimes God’s going to dump bowls of wrath upon us and were all going to be marked whether to be saved or not.
ST.PETER
You humans have very wild imaginations.
GOD’S VOICE
Of course they do Petey, without it they’d just a boring as you!
ST.PETER
Oh no, God’s back!
AZRAEL
You’re going to get it now.
HOWARD
Finally I can get on with my after life!
(GOD enters, smiling)
GOD
Hello, my friends. How are you all, and who is our guest? Why hasn’t he entered Heaven yet?
(Wanders over to HOWARD and puts his hand out to shake)
GOD
Hello young creation my names G-
(Gets cut off by St. PETER hurriedly)
ST.PETER
Ummm Err Uhhh…
(Speedily trying to distract GOD)
Sir I wouldn’t recommend touching him, he died from that Head exploding virus you created last week.
GOD
Nonsense Peter, I’m God, I’d never do such a thing to a young squirrel like him.
HOWARD
Oh Hello Mr. Uh God, Sir, Lord, Father Ummm…I’m a human not a squirrel, my names Howard, and my head didn’t explode. I was eaten, and now I’m stuck up here cause we lost the keys to the gates.
GOD
You sure you’re not a squirrel? You two species look a lot alike.
HOWARD
Yes sir, I’m very sure. Now about the gates…?
ST.PETER
NOOOOOO! You’ve ruined me Howard you Liberalist scum! Now God’s going to fire me and it’s all your fault!
(St. Peter attacks Howard and is held off by Gods cane)
GOD
Hush up Mr. Peter, you’re not fired.
(God laughs a tremendous booming laughing)
HOWARD
Ummm your greatness God sir, what is so funny?
GOD
(Pats Howard on the back, roughly almost knocking him over)
You poor man you’ve been stuck up here with Peter an eternity and the answer was right in front of you the whole time.
(God motions to the a cloud sitting in front of Heaven’s gates)
Howard, be a Good creation and go pick up that cloud for me.
HOWARD
Okay, I mean Yes Sir!
(Howard wanders over to the cloud and lifts it up. Underneath is a spare key to Heavens gates. The Cloud is a fake. Howard holds up the key to show everyone and wanders back to the group in front of St. Peters desk)
HOWARD
Is this the Spare-Key to Heaven?
GOD
Well of course it is boy; you don’t think I would have just one key do you!
(God laughs again and smacks Howard on the back)
ST.PETER
(Embarrassed and Angry)
Why didn’t you tell me about the spare key?!!
GOD
Don’t you take that tone with me, Peter! I am your creator, I brought you into this life and I can take you out! And besides I’m getting on in age and I forget things…In fact, I’m actually retiring soon and I’m going to need someone to take my place.
(God smiles)
ST.PETER
God you mean it, you really want me to be The New God?!
GOD
No, Mr. Peter, someone needs to man the gates of Heaven and you do a fine job at it.
AZRAEL
Look God I don’t mean to be rude but I would hate to have your job.
GOD
No not you either, I was thinking someone who is a little more human.
AZRAEL
Please tell me you’re not going to but Gabriel in charge again, he caused all the stocks to plummet while you were out and getting that poor Mary women pregnant.
GOD
No some one else someon-
ST.PETER
Or put Lucifer in charge again, we all know what happened then.
GOD
Let me finish! I want our very own Howard to have my job.
AZRAEL, ST.PETER, HOWARD
WHAT!!!???
HOWARD
Ummm God, I don’t think I can be the new you, I’m just a dead man walking, I can govern over the human race.
GOD
Oh…Well then, who am I to give the job to I’ve far to old for this…Ah mine as well let Martha Stewart have it. Get her on the phone will you Pete?
ST.PETER
God you really can’t be serious
GOD
Don’t question me Peter, you’re in enough trouble as it is. Just be happy Zeus wants first crack at you after what he caught you and Aphrodite doing!
ST.PETER
So much for a vacation.
GOD
Now will one of you open these gates for Howard!
(St. Peter opens the gates of Heaven)
AZRAEL
Well I’m done here, see you idiots later.
(Azrael walks off into the clouds and Howard runs into the gates happily)
ST.PETER:
(Hands God the key)
So, what now God?
GOD
Call me, Nietzsche, Friedrich Nietzsche. I’m no longer God, I think this time I’ll be a philosopher!
ST.PETER
Whatever you say sir.
(St.Peter runs through the gates and closes them behind him, St. Peters off stage.)
GOD
Now where did I put that fake cloud?
(God accidentally trips on the fake cloud, drops the key, through the clouds.)
Oww! Wait where’s the key!
(A look of realization to what just happened, he rushes over to the gates to find they are locked.)
SON OF A-
(Black out, Bruno Mars Song “Locked out of Heaven” plays)
THE END
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