Now it gets a little more eventful...
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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi
Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi
After a couple of sips Ki-Grammy asked. “So, Jobi-Wan, just how did you manage to get stabbed in the kidney?” I hadn’t relayed the whole story about Chuck Norris to him yet. I then told him the whole story about fighting Chuck and the Super Rangers. “So what are you going to do now?” the other asked.
“Well it took me years to find that opportunity and take advantage of it. Now I have no idea where Chuck went,” I responded, “I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity as good as that one again, but there is no doubt in my mind that Chuck will reveal himself again.” “Maybe if we go back to the battle scene; we’ll find something useful.”
“That doesn’t seem very likely,” the other replied.
“Well, it’s really the only thing I can do, and I did catch him in the middle of his meeting with the Super Rangers. So that makes it more likely that we’ll actually find something.”
“You are saying ‘we’ a lot.”
“Aww, come on man you know you have nothing better to do.”
“How do you know that?”
“When the doctor called you as my emergency contact; I could hear the loud music that you and those guys, who practically live at 711, always try to air-rock to.”
“What makes you think that chasing Chuck is more important than that?”
“Because, when you talked me into coming and watch you guys ‘perform’ for me; you sucked. I didn’t even know that it was possible to suck at air-guitar-”
“Air-rock”
“Whatever. You’re costumes were completely ridiculous.”
“They were outfits not costumes, and they were not.”
“You were wearing ripped up jeans that only came up to just above your knees, which left your flag patterned boxers hanging out, with sleeveless tye-dye shirts that were too small, and denim vests on top. Then you each gelled your hair into spike Mohawks and colored them bright yellow, purple, and some color I can only describe as yelple or purlow. You all had on paperclip bracelets, red sunglasses in the shape of clovers, earrings half the size of hula-hoops, and a flashing, plastic, gold money symbol chain.”
“That’s the style all rock bands go for.”
“One of you had grown a full goatee with sideburns that was shaved off on half of his face, and he had seven tongue piercings and a nose ring shaped like a dolphin.”
“You still haven’t made any point.”
“You can choose between stopping a world criminal or what I just explained to you.”
“What makes stopping this criminal better than what you just explained to me?”
“Stopping a world criminal will make you world famous, while air-rocking in your garage makes you neighborhood infamous, and no teenage virgin would ever do what you’re doing.”
“I was going to go with you anyway. I just wanted to mess with you a little bit, but that whole monologue was a little insulting. Now, I’m reconsidering.”
“Don’t be stupid; you still want to go.”
“Yeah, you’re right; I just wanted to make you feel bad.”
We finished our drinks and left a mildly generous tip on the table before we left. We went out and caught the hover bus that took you the closest to the Wastelands.
Obviously there was no reason for anyone to have a bus that took you very close to a place named “The Wastelands.” No one really knows what the deal is with the Wastelands. All I know is that the ground varies from rocky gray, to sandy gray with scattered rocks, and hard packed gray dirt. There is no life out there; I mean none, anywhere. The only sign that life had ever been there was the gnarled dead trees. The soil had absolutely no nutritional value. Meaning that nothing could grow out there at all not even lichens. With nothing growing out there, there is no reason for animals to move out there and die to add nutrition to the soil. No one even knows why it is that way. All that we do know is that the soil was good at one time because of the dead trees. No one knows why the trees are dead either, or why nothing causes them to decompose, or why they added no nutrition to the soil, or why the weather never changes over that spot (It’s always exactly 65 degrees Fahrenheit with slight gusts of chilly wind, and it never precipitates). After years of study and theory everyone just gave up trying to figure out the whys.
We had to walk a little ways before we actually got to the Wastelands. We jogged an hour or two to the battle scene. (We like to make sure that we sty in shape.) There was lots of debris everywhere and black smoke rising of the ground in average sized billows in several places. (Obviously no one comes out here, which is why Chuck set up base here, so no one could clean up the debris. Why the smoke was there, I don’t know.) Also, there, laid the bodies of my J.W.K.A.O.C (Jobi-Wan-Kenobi Army of Champions) agents.
The J.W.K.A.O.C. is the army that I created to battle against Chuck Norris because obviously I couldn’t do it by myself. At first I happened to mention to some of my college friends that I wished there was someone who would stop Chuck. Bruce, one of my closer college buddies, suggested that we form an alliance to stop him. At first it was just a joke, but then when my twelve friends, who were present at the time of the mentioning, mentioned it to their friends. Their friends thought that they were serious and one thing led to another and Boom! The J.W.K.A.O.C. emerged. After we had been out of college for a year or two we actually had several members, of course not enough to put up any real opposition.
We started out by planning out exactly what we were going to do. What we would need such as buildings, training for ourselves that we could pass on to new recruits, people of different expertise that could help us in several ways both in planning and when we actually started, and every other boring thing that you probably won’t be interested in.
We started attracting interested students from colleges and high schools who were interested in enlisting. They figured it was more important than the army was because there were never any wars in our world.
We actually received funds in every which way from asking for it from rich folk all the way to holding a plastic bucket on the street corner and begging for nickels. This was mostly successful because people thought that J.W.K.A.O.C. stood for Jubilant Workers Kindly Against Obstinate Coworkers.
So once we had funds everything took off. We built a training field for our recruits, and just about every boring thing that I refrained from mentioning earlier. All that you really need to know is that we were smart and got the whole thing to work, we have a completely functioning army with plenty of equipment to battle Chuck Norris, and we are awesome.
“So what exactly are we looking for?” Ki-Grammy asked.
“We’re looking for anything of interest.”
We searched the battlefield for an hour and then realized that it would be better to search the base. We were sorely disappointed when we entered the big, gray, dome-shaped, pretty much plastic building. First off, the smell was atrocious. Second, there really wasn’t anything in the whole stinking, literally, building, nothing except tables and other worn furniture. We even searched the furniture, which wasn’t very rewarding. Now you may be wondering why we didn’t check any computers. Now this was because all the computers had bullet holes in the screens.
We weren’t able to find anything in the base at all. So we went to the underground living quarters. We know they were the living quarters only because of the sign of the door. When we actually entered the room; it was completely empty. The room was huge and had an adjoining kitchen, which was also empty except for a stove set into the wall. All the way at the other end of the room was a door that read:
Chuck Norris’s Room
Do not enter
Those who fail to adhere to this rule will face the punishment of:
You die.
“Ugh, it’s locked,” I said.
“Stand back!” Ki-Grammy shouted at the top of his lungs with a dramatic show a throwing his arms to the side and taking a few steps back.
He ran forward and threw his shoulder into the very middle of the door. It didn’t break open, but I heard it make a small cracking sound, apparently it was made of wood unlike the rest of the building.
“Why do you do that?” I asked, “You know it won’t work if you hit in the middle.” He enjoyed throwing himself against doors too much.
He threw himself against it again but without taking a running start, and it made another cracking sound.
“I know it won’t work, but this just looks so much cooler…”
He reared up and kicked the door right in the middle as hard as he could. The door cracked right at the center and split open. The hinged side swayed inward, and the other fell to the floor with the lock sticking out no longer able to hold the door in place.
“… I mean that’s just completely badass.”
When we entered the room there was a small disc labeled: Chuck Norris’s Plans, but it was only a fake that Chuck had left for us to find and it exploded in our faces. In the room were a king-sized bed, an empty closet, and a nightstand.
I checked the empty closet and Ki-Grammy checked the nightstand for anything suspicious. Neither of us wanted to check the bed, but without finding anything we had to. First we each grabbed an end of the blanket and threw it onto the floor, there was nothing. We both checked the pillows then discarded them onto the floor as well. We did with the sheet the same as we did with the blanket and found nothing. We each grabbed the mattress and flipped it onto the floor. There was nothing on the bed frame. I couldn’t believe that there was absolutely nothing in this whole place.
“Well, what is this?” Ki-Grammy pulled me out of my stupor of disappointment.
Taped to the bottom of the mattress was another disc labeled: These are Chuck Norris’s real copy of the plans. Note to self: Make sure not to forget this if anything happens.
We took the disc and got out of there as quickly as possible. We trekked out of the Wastelands and caught a cab back to my apartment that I had been using while in Old Newtown. Unfortunately the disc didn’t fit into the computer that I had with me.
“Well what are we going to do with it; it’s too small to fit in any of our computers?” Ki-Grammy asked.
“Well, I’m positive that we don’t have anything back at the base that can read the disc. I guess nobody thought it was necessary to have multiple computers with different sized disc slots because everybody uses the same size discs and it would be stupid to make one of a different size,” I replied.
“Or, it’s a very ingenious idea. Like you just said, no one would make computers with different sized disc slots. So it’s completely brilliant that Chuck only use discs that are smaller than usual. Then nobody could read them.”
“Really? I hadn’t thought of that,” I replied with my voice dripping of sarcasm.
“Well, I didn’t think it was that obvious. Now what do you plan to do with it?”
“Do you remember Nanakin?” I asked.
“Kinda short, kinda chunky guy with really curly blonde hair so long that it was almost an Afro? That went through grade school with us, but then went to a different high school that happened to be the rival of the high school we went to. Yet we kept in touch until the end of senior year when he moved to one of those big colleges on a different continent to get his doctorate in computer science and we haven’t seen him since?”
“Yeah, him.”
“Yeah, I think I remember him.”
“Well I don’t know why you haven’t seen him in so long, but he got his doctorate and founded Nanohard.”
Nanohard is the biggest computer works company on Blob.
“Really? He’s the CEO of Nanohard?”
“Uh, Yeah. He retired a while back because he’s so rich. Although I’m pretty sure he bought his own island, built a mansion, and has been living there working on computer stuff. So he’s probably trying to conserve his money now.”
“Do you think he’ll help us?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t he?”
“It would be kind of weird showing up at his place and asking for help with a world tyrant from him after all this time.”
There was a moment’s pause in the air.
“Wait a second, how do you know all this, and I don’t.”
“He invited me over for a party last New Years, but I told him I was too busy chasing Chuck Norris.”
“He just invited you out of the blue like that? First time he wants to talk in years?”
“Well… It wasn’t really out of the blue.”
There was another shorter pause.
“Wait, you mean that you guys have been hanging out for all these years and never thought about me.”
“Yeah… Pretty much.”
“Without me?”
Yeah, he put two and two together.
“I don’t believe this!” Yeah, Ki-Grammy was a little upset by now.
“Calm down man. I mean there’s probably some reason that he never got a hold of you. I mean you’re not really that easy of a guy to find.”
“You found me.”
“We were never really separated for very long.”
“Yeah sure lets just go.”
I packed up my belongings, got plain tickets to Continent D where we could then sail to Nanakin’s mansion, and went outside to hail a cab, while Ki-Grammy got a sitter for his house. I figured that it was best not to call Nanakin and let him know we were coming since it was possible that something could happen that led to Ki-Grammy and he exchanging some words that would cause problems.
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Not exactly action-packed, but it's more exciting. Next segment will, unfortunately, not be as exciting.
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