#1 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

All right this may be kind of... uh... to put it bluntly, different. Just gonna get that out there. It was originally in a novel form so it's gonna be different. I wrote it a while ago, so it's not perfect, and I have been planning to touch it up a bit. The intro is just supposed to give some background info that isn't really important, sorry if it's confusing. I guess it's rated T.

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Dear Reader,

This passage relates an epic tale about a figure named Jobi-Wan-Kenobi. He tells the story. The passage was recovered by a team of astronauts. These astronauts were on vacation in Utah since they had been given some time off. Whilst walking in the desert one member of the team claims

“…I saw something glint in the sky. At first I thought it was a plane, but after a few moments, I glanced back up and saw it again in the same spot except bigger. I pointed it out to my friends and we all watched it. After a minute, we determined that it was not aliens but in fact something falling from the sky…”

There is video evidence of this event as one of the astronauts had a camera on their phone. The object was a small capsule that seemed like a pill the size of a baby opossum. The capsule was brought to some experts who’s names and occupations will remain confidential for reasons that are also confidential. Inside the capsule was a data stick. I would call it a flash drive except that it was smaller, rounder, and had no usb output.

The experts made a cable that fit the data stick’s output and had a usb output on the other end. When they hooked it up to a computer, the data stick took over. At first the experts tried to stop it because they believed it was uploading a virus or something. The data stick could not be pulled out. The flow of electricity between it and the computer was creating a very strong magnetic field that made it impossible to remove the data stick or its adjoining cable. They could not do any computer stuff to stop it.

They decided to simply watch what the data stick was doing. They could only tell that the data stick was going through all the information on the computer. The experts were not worried because the computer was isolated from the Internet and all other computers. It also did not have any useful or potentially dangerous data on it. It was clear, though, that the data stick contained much data and programming, as well as wares of both hard and soft quality.

Eventually, the data stick stopped. It uploaded its programs to the computer just like it originally should have. It contained a few word documents. The first was an explanation as to what had just occurred.

“…I apologize if what just occurred alarmed you at all. It needed to be done, however, because I could not risk you damaging any of the contained documents. The data stick ran a program to use the information that it had available to convert all of its data into whatever your language might be. If you are reading this, it means that it was successful. The other documents contain information that I want you to have…”

The contents of the other documents follow. I assure you that these documents are real. As to whether they are fact or fiction remains unknown. Please enjoy the Epic of Jobi-Wan-Kenobi.

Sincerely,

Joseph

Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Is it on? Oh it wrote that cool. Now what if I don’t want it to write something? Shoot. How do I turn it off? Where’s that manual? Is it under the cot? No. The table? Crap, where is it? Here it is under the sheet. Let’s see. Table of Contents. Intro, how to install, how to turn on, how to use, computer info, how to edit, how to turn it off, there we go. Page 40. Uhhhhhh, choo choo choo chooooooooooo. Oh there…

Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

That was the first time that I ever used this thing. I thought, I’d save that little tidbit. I did not yet know how to use this thing. If you do not know what I am talking about, hold on, I’ll explain. This is a mental journal. That is an implant in my brain. It transmits my thoughts to a writing program on my computer, which I can later edit. It then stores each entry as a different segment and tells you who’s thoughts these originally were and denotes them as the “writer”. I can later edit this entry as if it were a regular writing document. It indicates whoever the editor is. I do not know why it has no dates. They are not anywhere, at all. That is weird.

I am compiling these entries into one big journal, which I plan to send into space for other sentient life, in case there is any, to read. I hope that you sentient beings will read this and find peaceful intentions for my planet and know our current situation. By the way, I wrote both of these passages in the hospital.

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So yeah, slow. It's a novel, and it's really long. If anyone is interested I'll post more. It does take a while to pick up, and it's... weird, okay I know.

#2 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio
#3 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

@deadpoolrules: You serious? I'll add more if you like it. I'm trying to find unnecessary stuff to cut out to make it faster paced.

#4 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

BUMP

NEW THUNDERBOLTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#5 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

The villain is now revealed. He is not really him. I just used his name because I don't care much for him.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

I am in the hospital. I was injured in a fight against the Super Rangers and there leader Chuck Norris. I am Jobi-Wan-Kenobi. It was a drizzly Wednesday; I hate Wednesdays. I almost had Norris. We were fighting out in the Wastelands, where there was nothing but rocky-gray sand and gnarled, almost scorched, looking trees, where Norris had been hiding from me. (He was also hiding from the rest of the world, but mostly he was hiding from me because of our one encounter from a while back, which I choose to refrain from telling the reader.) We had been fighting for hours. When I was finally able to get close enough to Norris and bring him to the ground. That is when the Red Super Ranger stabbed me in the kidney from behind.

So now I am in the hospital unable to move, only because I am strapped down. The inferior minds of the doctor’s can’t get anything done. These darn doctors keep running every stinking test they can possibly come up with so as to charge me as much as they possibly can. Look, either the kidney is completely damaged and I need a new one, or it will mend on its own or with the assistance of drugs. I doubt that the latter is true because I have peed a quart of blood for the last forty-eight hours.

When is Ki-Grammy-Mundi going to get here? The message I sent him was labeled urgent. Ki-Grammy has been one of my closest friends since I was about five. We hung out together and became close friends mainly because our mothers were close friends. We remained friends throughout our whole lives. We went to the same grade school and high school together. We even had most of our classes together.

Oh my gosh now the doctors are reading the dictionary to turn every word into a test they can run. They’re going to run an aardvarkia. They’re seriously going to add “ia” to every word in our language. I thought I might have killed something at that moment. I hate this stupid corrupt government that doesn’t do anything to put a stop to things like this. Although, I guess that if they were a good government, then I wouldn’t be able to get away with what I do. The only reason I do what I do though is because this planet is ruled entirely by one government, and the people on this planet deserve better than this crappy government.

I guess since I am planning on launching this autobiography into space for other sentient life to read; I should give you a little background history of my planet. I live on the planet Blob in the year 2095 A.M. (After Massacre.) There are about 50,000,000,000 years that are B.M. (Before Massacre.) The whole massacre thing is it's completely own story, and is very long. Ask someone from Blob if you want to know about it.

Anyway, what I can appropriately tell you is this. The planet is covered with seven continents. A little more than half of the planet is water versus land. The seven continents are A, B, C, D, E, F, and G. As I said one government governs the planet, and they are a very lazy government. So naturally they aren’t very clever at naming things.

All seven of the continents are connected by land bridges. So early man had no problem meeting all the other men of the planet. My planet’s ancient people were very peaceful. That is how they ended up setting up a government for the whole planet instead of trying to kill each other and take everything for themselves. Recent studies on my planet have shown that the ancient people showed a minimal amount of testosterone production. Today we have evolved with more testosterone because those ancient people with less were murdered or eaten by large animals.

With just one government, that is lazy, an uprising was easy for a person like Chuck Norris. Norris had been born into a family known for developing more testosterone than the rest of the population, and, for some reason, our species has been dropping with testosterone production. I guess with the advance of technology; Testosterone is no longer essential to survival, and our species is just slipping back to where it was millennia ago. However, some others and myself have not slipped backwards. So I took it upon myself to start an organization to stop Norris.

On a completely unrelated note, this little fun fact just popped into my head, and I have decided to share it with you. Thanks to recent advances in technology, about two years ago, we can now see through the black hole in the center of our galaxy, The Milky Way, which was before impossible. Now we can see what is on the other side of the galaxy without the black hole interfering.

We recently discovered a new planet, last year, which is located on the exact opposite side of the galaxy. Our scientists have been studying the planet in the time since then. This is what they have concluded about it so far.

Since it takes such a long time for the light reflected of this planet to reach blob; we see the new planet, as it was millions of years before what is actually happening on the planet right now. We don’t know much, but have detected life on the planet (life that is now prehistoric to the planet.) The life detected is very similar to the prehistoric life that was once on our planet, Blob. Studies show that this new planet could develop almost the same exact way that ours did, just with a different surface.

Isn’t that neat? Well, if you understood any of that then you will think that it is neat. Now back to my problem with the greedy doctors.

Good Ki-Grammy has arrived. When he came in I told him what the doctors were doing. The doctors immediately did as they were supposed to do after Ki-Grammy turned around to face them.

Apparently they already knew what to do because they promptly stuck a needle full of painkiller into my arm. They then reopened my wound and checked to be sure that all bleeding outside the kidney had stopped. They then removed my kidney and installed a robotic one. This took them all of ten minutes.

I refused to pay them anything for the tests that they ran because none of them were necessary. I also refused to pay them for the surgery because of all of my time that they wasted, and as everyone knows, “Time is money.” I figured that the value of my stolen time was equal to the cost of my surgery. I did, however, drop a nickel in the donation’s jar on the receptionist’s desk as Ki-Grammy and I left the building. See I’m not a total jerk.

We didn’t speak a word as we walked down the clean, bright, and generally pleasant streets of the large city of Old Newland. Old Newland was a beautiful town by the coast. It’s pretty much in a tourist attraction area but is actually one of the few towns that actually functions like a regular city. It looks like a tourist attraction where all the shops, but everywhere else is just as nice and clean, and the stores in the actual residential area aren’t full of ridiculously overpriced merchandise.

It’s pretty much the greatest town ever, with just about everything that you could ever want. It’s a good family town that kids can happily grow up in, teenagers can live there happily as well, adults can enjoy themselves, whether they’re married with or without kids or single, and old people could live here for the rest of their lives. It’s even set up to keep people from different areas happy, whether they’re from around an ocean, from the country, from the city, or anywhere else. It sort of changes as you walk through it to meet everybody’s wants and needs, whether you’re living long-term, short-term, or just visiting.

If that bored you, you can go ahead and skip this paragraph because it’s about how Old Newland got its name. The nomads of our prehistoric world originally named this land Newland after they crossed the land bridge from continent A to continent B and constructed a village, which would later become the city known now as Old Newland, on the coast. Another city built on continent E, some thousand years later, was named New Newland in honor of the original Newland since it was the first site where peoples of different continents met. So the original Newland was renamed Old Newland.

We walked down to a coffee shop. We sat down and ordered our drinks. Ki-Grammy got a continent D Roast, which is supposedly one of the best coffees on the planet. I don’t like coffee, apparently it has something to do with my genes, and that I don’t like the taste of PCV paper or something.

So naturally I got the only non-coffee beverage that coffee shops sell… tap water. Bathroom… tap water, all restaurants offer tap water. They all give you a choice of which tap water that you want, kitchen tap, outdoor hose tap, or bathroom tap. Coffee shops only sell coffee, (some sell doughnuts and/or bagels) but since they are required to have sinks in their bathrooms (and they have no need for a kitchen sink); they won’t turn down an offer to buy some of their water. I would just go in and take the water for free, but you have to pay to get a cup (even if it’s empty) and I just don’t like carrying around a water bottle.

I began editing my first real entry.

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Sorry, it's all still background info, but I feel it's necessary. The next part will be slightly more exciting, but still not action packed. We won't get to that part for 2 more segments.

#6 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice!!!

Good man,really good.

#7 Edited by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

Now it gets a little more eventful...

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

After a couple of sips Ki-Grammy asked. “So, Jobi-Wan, just how did you manage to get stabbed in the kidney?” I hadn’t relayed the whole story about Chuck Norris to him yet. I then told him the whole story about fighting Chuck and the Super Rangers. “So what are you going to do now?” the other asked.

“Well it took me years to find that opportunity and take advantage of it. Now I have no idea where Chuck went,” I responded, “I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity as good as that one again, but there is no doubt in my mind that Chuck will reveal himself again.” “Maybe if we go back to the battle scene; we’ll find something useful.”

“That doesn’t seem very likely,” the other replied.

“Well, it’s really the only thing I can do, and I did catch him in the middle of his meeting with the Super Rangers. So that makes it more likely that we’ll actually find something.”

“You are saying ‘we’ a lot.”

“Aww, come on man you know you have nothing better to do.”

“How do you know that?”

“When the doctor called you as my emergency contact; I could hear the loud music that you and those guys, who practically live at 711, always try to air-rock to.”

“What makes you think that chasing Chuck is more important than that?”

“Because, when you talked me into coming and watch you guys ‘perform’ for me; you sucked. I didn’t even know that it was possible to suck at air-guitar-”

“Air-rock”

“Whatever. You’re costumes were completely ridiculous.”

“They were outfits not costumes, and they were not.”

“You were wearing ripped up jeans that only came up to just above your knees, which left your flag patterned boxers hanging out, with sleeveless tye-dye shirts that were too small, and denim vests on top. Then you each gelled your hair into spike Mohawks and colored them bright yellow, purple, and some color I can only describe as yelple or purlow. You all had on paperclip bracelets, red sunglasses in the shape of clovers, earrings half the size of hula-hoops, and a flashing, plastic, gold money symbol chain.”

“That’s the style all rock bands go for.”

“One of you had grown a full goatee with sideburns that was shaved off on half of his face, and he had seven tongue piercings and a nose ring shaped like a dolphin.”

“You still haven’t made any point.”

“You can choose between stopping a world criminal or what I just explained to you.”

“What makes stopping this criminal better than what you just explained to me?”

“Stopping a world criminal will make you world famous, while air-rocking in your garage makes you neighborhood infamous, and no teenage virgin would ever do what you’re doing.”

“I was going to go with you anyway. I just wanted to mess with you a little bit, but that whole monologue was a little insulting. Now, I’m reconsidering.”

“Don’t be stupid; you still want to go.”

“Yeah, you’re right; I just wanted to make you feel bad.”

We finished our drinks and left a mildly generous tip on the table before we left. We went out and caught the hover bus that took you the closest to the Wastelands.

Obviously there was no reason for anyone to have a bus that took you very close to a place named “The Wastelands.” No one really knows what the deal is with the Wastelands. All I know is that the ground varies from rocky gray, to sandy gray with scattered rocks, and hard packed gray dirt. There is no life out there; I mean none, anywhere. The only sign that life had ever been there was the gnarled dead trees. The soil had absolutely no nutritional value. Meaning that nothing could grow out there at all not even lichens. With nothing growing out there, there is no reason for animals to move out there and die to add nutrition to the soil. No one even knows why it is that way. All that we do know is that the soil was good at one time because of the dead trees. No one knows why the trees are dead either, or why nothing causes them to decompose, or why they added no nutrition to the soil, or why the weather never changes over that spot (It’s always exactly 65 degrees Fahrenheit with slight gusts of chilly wind, and it never precipitates). After years of study and theory everyone just gave up trying to figure out the whys.

We had to walk a little ways before we actually got to the Wastelands. We jogged an hour or two to the battle scene. (We like to make sure that we sty in shape.) There was lots of debris everywhere and black smoke rising of the ground in average sized billows in several places. (Obviously no one comes out here, which is why Chuck set up base here, so no one could clean up the debris. Why the smoke was there, I don’t know.) Also, there, laid the bodies of my J.W.K.A.O.C (Jobi-Wan-Kenobi Army of Champions) agents.

The J.W.K.A.O.C. is the army that I created to battle against Chuck Norris because obviously I couldn’t do it by myself. At first I happened to mention to some of my college friends that I wished there was someone who would stop Chuck. Bruce, one of my closer college buddies, suggested that we form an alliance to stop him. At first it was just a joke, but then when my twelve friends, who were present at the time of the mentioning, mentioned it to their friends. Their friends thought that they were serious and one thing led to another and Boom! The J.W.K.A.O.C. emerged. After we had been out of college for a year or two we actually had several members, of course not enough to put up any real opposition.

We started out by planning out exactly what we were going to do. What we would need such as buildings, training for ourselves that we could pass on to new recruits, people of different expertise that could help us in several ways both in planning and when we actually started, and every other boring thing that you probably won’t be interested in.

We started attracting interested students from colleges and high schools who were interested in enlisting. They figured it was more important than the army was because there were never any wars in our world.

We actually received funds in every which way from asking for it from rich folk all the way to holding a plastic bucket on the street corner and begging for nickels. This was mostly successful because people thought that J.W.K.A.O.C. stood for Jubilant Workers Kindly Against Obstinate Coworkers.

So once we had funds everything took off. We built a training field for our recruits, and just about every boring thing that I refrained from mentioning earlier. All that you really need to know is that we were smart and got the whole thing to work, we have a completely functioning army with plenty of equipment to battle Chuck Norris, and we are awesome.

“So what exactly are we looking for?” Ki-Grammy asked.

“We’re looking for anything of interest.”

We searched the battlefield for an hour and then realized that it would be better to search the base. We were sorely disappointed when we entered the big, gray, dome-shaped, pretty much plastic building. First off, the smell was atrocious. Second, there really wasn’t anything in the whole stinking, literally, building, nothing except tables and other worn furniture. We even searched the furniture, which wasn’t very rewarding. Now you may be wondering why we didn’t check any computers. Now this was because all the computers had bullet holes in the screens.

We weren’t able to find anything in the base at all. So we went to the underground living quarters. We know they were the living quarters only because of the sign of the door. When we actually entered the room; it was completely empty. The room was huge and had an adjoining kitchen, which was also empty except for a stove set into the wall. All the way at the other end of the room was a door that read:

Chuck Norris’s Room

Do not enter

Those who fail to adhere to this rule will face the punishment of:

You die.

“Ugh, it’s locked,” I said.

“Stand back!” Ki-Grammy shouted at the top of his lungs with a dramatic show a throwing his arms to the side and taking a few steps back.

He ran forward and threw his shoulder into the very middle of the door. It didn’t break open, but I heard it make a small cracking sound, apparently it was made of wood unlike the rest of the building.

“Why do you do that?” I asked, “You know it won’t work if you hit in the middle.” He enjoyed throwing himself against doors too much.

He threw himself against it again but without taking a running start, and it made another cracking sound.

“I know it won’t work, but this just looks so much cooler…”

He reared up and kicked the door right in the middle as hard as he could. The door cracked right at the center and split open. The hinged side swayed inward, and the other fell to the floor with the lock sticking out no longer able to hold the door in place.

“… I mean that’s just completely badass.”

When we entered the room there was a small disc labeled: Chuck Norris’s Plans, but it was only a fake that Chuck had left for us to find and it exploded in our faces. In the room were a king-sized bed, an empty closet, and a nightstand.

I checked the empty closet and Ki-Grammy checked the nightstand for anything suspicious. Neither of us wanted to check the bed, but without finding anything we had to. First we each grabbed an end of the blanket and threw it onto the floor, there was nothing. We both checked the pillows then discarded them onto the floor as well. We did with the sheet the same as we did with the blanket and found nothing. We each grabbed the mattress and flipped it onto the floor. There was nothing on the bed frame. I couldn’t believe that there was absolutely nothing in this whole place.

“Well, what is this?” Ki-Grammy pulled me out of my stupor of disappointment.

Taped to the bottom of the mattress was another disc labeled: These are Chuck Norris’s real copy of the plans. Note to self: Make sure not to forget this if anything happens.

We took the disc and got out of there as quickly as possible. We trekked out of the Wastelands and caught a cab back to my apartment that I had been using while in Old Newtown. Unfortunately the disc didn’t fit into the computer that I had with me.

“Well what are we going to do with it; it’s too small to fit in any of our computers?” Ki-Grammy asked.

“Well, I’m positive that we don’t have anything back at the base that can read the disc. I guess nobody thought it was necessary to have multiple computers with different sized disc slots because everybody uses the same size discs and it would be stupid to make one of a different size,” I replied.

“Or, it’s a very ingenious idea. Like you just said, no one would make computers with different sized disc slots. So it’s completely brilliant that Chuck only use discs that are smaller than usual. Then nobody could read them.”

“Really? I hadn’t thought of that,” I replied with my voice dripping of sarcasm.

“Well, I didn’t think it was that obvious. Now what do you plan to do with it?”

“Do you remember Nanakin?” I asked.

“Kinda short, kinda chunky guy with really curly blonde hair so long that it was almost an Afro? That went through grade school with us, but then went to a different high school that happened to be the rival of the high school we went to. Yet we kept in touch until the end of senior year when he moved to one of those big colleges on a different continent to get his doctorate in computer science and we haven’t seen him since?”

“Yeah, him.”

“Yeah, I think I remember him.”

“Well I don’t know why you haven’t seen him in so long, but he got his doctorate and founded Nanohard.”

Nanohard is the biggest computer works company on Blob.

“Really? He’s the CEO of Nanohard?”

“Uh, Yeah. He retired a while back because he’s so rich. Although I’m pretty sure he bought his own island, built a mansion, and has been living there working on computer stuff. So he’s probably trying to conserve his money now.”

“Do you think he’ll help us?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t he?”

“It would be kind of weird showing up at his place and asking for help with a world tyrant from him after all this time.”

There was a moment’s pause in the air.

“Wait a second, how do you know all this, and I don’t.”

“He invited me over for a party last New Years, but I told him I was too busy chasing Chuck Norris.”

“He just invited you out of the blue like that? First time he wants to talk in years?”

“Well… It wasn’t really out of the blue.”

There was another shorter pause.

“Wait, you mean that you guys have been hanging out for all these years and never thought about me.”

“Yeah… Pretty much.”

“Without me?”

Yeah, he put two and two together.

“I don’t believe this!” Yeah, Ki-Grammy was a little upset by now.

“Calm down man. I mean there’s probably some reason that he never got a hold of you. I mean you’re not really that easy of a guy to find.”

“You found me.”

“We were never really separated for very long.”

“Yeah sure lets just go.”

I packed up my belongings, got plain tickets to Continent D where we could then sail to Nanakin’s mansion, and went outside to hail a cab, while Ki-Grammy got a sitter for his house. I figured that it was best not to call Nanakin and let him know we were coming since it was possible that something could happen that led to Ki-Grammy and he exchanging some words that would cause problems.

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Not exactly action-packed, but it's more exciting. Next segment will, unfortunately, not be as exciting.

#8 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

Sorry, it's another uneventful chapter.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

I tried to make the best of the trip as Ki- Grammy would sporadically let out complaints.

“Seriously, you two never even bothered to think about me?”

“I can’t believe you guys.”

“I mean, why didn’t you guys ask me to do anything?”

Finally we arrived at continent D. We caught a cab to Nanakin’s mansion; the cab driver, of course, knew where it was. I had to push a big red button at the front gate (I always wanted to push a big red button) and a screen above it flickered to life. A security guard that didn’t seem too intimidating was all that we could see.

“Do you have an appointment?” he asked.

“Why would Nanakin ever schedule any appointments with anyone?” I answered with another question.

“Oh, well aren’t we the clever one?” he continued the pattern of answering questions with questions. I could tell he was the kind of guy who could talk your ear off for an hour and not ever get tired. He was there and his only purpose was to not open the energy gate in front of us, so he didn’t have to be physically capable of doing it.

“Could you just tell Nanakin that we need to see him?” question.

“Doesn’t everyone need to see him?” question.

“What if I was an old friend?” question.

“Isn’t everyone an old friend of his?” question.

“What if it’s important?” question.

“Have I never heard that before?” question.

“What if I need him to help me save the world?” question.

“Hmm, that’s a new one.” statement, SUCCESS!

“Ohh, I mean well isn’t that interesting?” he said in desperation, but it was too late, I had won. He would forever be shamed as a failure among all the annoying middlemen that say they are there to help you get what you want but never really will.

“I’m still not gonna let you in.” he said with a tone of ill-gained authority. Curses! He still had all the power over the situation. Luckily, I noticed Nanakin playing croquet on his front lawn.

“Hey Nanakin!” I called.

“Aw crap!” he was just about to swing his mallet when I called to him, and I really screwed the game up for him. He would never forgive me, “Who is it? Aww no, it isn’t you is it? Jobi-Wan-Kenobi what are you doing hear?” He walked on down to his front gate and opened it.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Come on not even a hello, man? You’re more polite than that; aren’t you glad to see me?” I responded.

“Well, you kinda just screwed me over in my game with my branch managers. They aren’t ever gonna let this go.”

“I’m sorry, but come on. It’s not that serious.”

“No I guess you’re right. I’m just a little edgy ‘cause I found out that I’ve got a heart problem.”

“What!”

“Yup, doctor told me three weeks ago that I gotta be careful or I’ll have some trouble… Ohhh! gahh!” he grabbed his chest and fell to the ground.

“Oh my gosh, Nanakin!” I cupped my hands and pumped his chest, but right as I did so, a squirt of water came out from his shirt and hit me in the face.

He started dying laughing, “Ha Ha Ha huh ahhhh! You hih shoulda seen yur face ahhhahaha! Come-huh-on I’m only in my twenties! Ohhh heart problems.”

“Dude, That’s not cool.”

“No it’s not,” Ki-Grammy stated as he walked out from behind the side of the gate he standing behind.

“Holy Crap! How long have you been there!” Nanakin shouted.

“Hello Nanakin. It’s been a while. I don’t know why, but I figured and old friend would have said ‘hello’.”

“This is unexpected, Ki-Grammy…er and Jobi-Wan,” Nanakin stammered.

“Nanakin, we need your help with something,” I said before further unpleasant things occurred.

“Uhh, sure what do you need?” he inquired.

“We need help with this,” I said holding out the slightly smaller than usual disc.

“Ohhh, it’s one of those old beta discs,” he said this as if we should know what he was talking about. When he noticed our unchanged expressions he continued, “There used to be alpha discs and beta discs. They were each products of different companies. Beta discs were slightly smaller and could not be read by anything made to read alpha discs and vise versa. Beta discs actually worked better than alpha discs, but they broke more easily and were more expensive. Naturally people bought more alpha discs and machinery compatible with alpha discs. So alpha discs became dominant and the makers of beta discs ran out of money and discontinued.”

“Well, can you help us?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, lucky for you; I kept an old beta disc computer. I’ll show you it once I finish croquet.”

We walked up his slightly inclined front lawn. As we walked up; the sun showed right in our eyes.

“Cuh-come on Nanakin. It’s been yu-yu-your turn for a whi-while now,” stuttered a familiar voice.

I shaded my eyes to see who it was. Standing with boca balls, Nankin’s guests had begun a game of boca ball while they waited for him to return to their croquet game, were two men I didn’t know and one that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

It was Ki-Grammy’s and mine turn to shout holy crap.

“Scottwalker?!” I shouted.

“Jobi-Wan?!” he shouted.

“Ki-Grammy!” Ki-Grammy shouted in mock surprise.

Now it was Scottwalker’s turn to shout holy crap.

“I haven’t seen you in forever man!”

“I haven’t seen you either.”

“I’d hope not if I haven’t seen you.”

We continued to yell boring surprised gibberish at each other. Most people would have assumed things. Hey, I cannot blame them; we have always sort of had guy love for each other. Now you might wonder why Ki-Grammy seemed a little left out. Ki-Grammy didn’t really care, though, that we basically ignored him for a while. Scottwalker and I had been best friends since we were six.

We grew up as best friends. Scottwalker had disappeared after high school; he had gone to our rival high school. I tried to find him when I started the J.W.K.A.O.C. because I knew that he would have totally gone for it, but I never could. It was a real bummer. I never did find out where he was all that time. It didn’t occurred to me to ask him at this point. I probably should have.

Ki-Grammy knew all this, and that is why he didn’t really care. Besides, he was too busy trying not to throttle Nanakin who was smiling at the thought of how clever he was by not telling Scottwalker or me of the other’s presence.

After my reunion with Scottwalker and Ki-Grammy’s reunion with Scottwalker, Nanakin said, “ alright let’s go see that computer.”

“What about croquet?” one of the other two men that were confused and we had forgotten about asked. “Let’s go,” I said. I never turn down a challenge to croquet.

After thoroughly pummeling those two guys in a game of epic croquet* Nanakin took us to his secret base in his basement. He pushed an inconspicuously placed giant red button on his water heater. This caused a hidden door approximately 11.22 decimeters from the water heater to slide open.

*Epic Croquet is a form of croquet that is much more epic than regular croquet. A game of epic croquet must be set up to be very long, have at least one nigh impossible hoop to shoot through, and/or must interfere with other people trying to have fun if the game is played at a party.

We then had to follow a somewhat narrow, dimly lit, slightly downwardly inclined tunnel. The base was actually about 200 feet underground. Every now and then the tunnel turned and went the opposite direction. Every couple of yards their was a security door, panel, invisible wall laser beam or something of that sort. Each of these took a good amount of time entering codes and stuff.

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The next chapter has action I promise.

#9 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (20123 posts) - - Show Bio

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#10 Edited by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

Alright I know everyone who's still reading this, or even read it at all (not many I'm guessing), will be glad to know this chapter will be the first with action in it, and it only picks up from there. Yeah, sorry, this one is really long.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

It literally took us ten and half hours just to reach the actual base part of his base. When we got there it smelled of mildew. It was full of different computers. There was lots of flashing lights and beeping. It seemed more like a storage room than a base.

Nanakin walked over to a far corner of his basement base, which I now realized, was more of a storeroom. He pulled on a big tarp. Dust flew everywhere setting us into minor fits of coughing. He pulled on it again more dust flew, and more coughs were coughed. Eventually he pulled the whole tarp off. Underneath was a computer the size of a small garage.

“Like I said, these things haven’t been used for awhile,” Nanakin re-explained.

It took twenty minutes for the computer to start up. Nanakin tried to open the disc slot. It refused to move. I had to pry it open with a knife. More dust flew when it finally creaked open. Everyone was ready for this to happen except for Socttwalker who happened to deeply inhale at that exact moment. We were all surprised when he didn’t even react.

Nanakin put in the disc and forced the slot back shut. The computer took fifteen minutes to read the disc. Nanakin pulled out some sort of little gadget.

“This’ll take the information from the computer so we don’t have to use it anymore,” he explained, at this point, the computer made some sort of almost dejected sounding whir, “I whipped it up while we were playing croquet.”

“Why didn’t you just make something that could read the beta disc so we didn’t have to do any of this,” Scottwalker asked and immediately broke into a series of convulsive, wet, hacking, coughs.

“That hadn’t occurred to me,” Nanakin admitted as Ki-Grammy reassuringly stroked the side of the computer. The computer then received conflicting feelings. It concluded that Ki-Grammy must be an idiot for doing this, but it also concluded that he was its favorite. The only sign that we had of this was that the computer unnoticed shut itself down.

“Hmmm,” Nanakin hmmmed.

“What?” I asked.

“There’s a single word document on the disc, and it’s encrypted.”

“Oh, my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents will take care of that. Let me E-mail it to them,” I took the device and did so. We then left Nanakin’s basement base. We took his private jet to my secret base, which was actually a base.

“This is some secret base,” Nanakin said. We were staring at a cornfield at this point. I silently walked into the cornfield for dramatic effect. We reached the center. I then took a small step to the left; everyone expects the secret to be in the center. So who would check just a pace from the center. I stamped my foot on a secret switch under the dirt; it’s a hard switch to push down. It has to be in order to keep some passerby from accidentally stepping on it and finding my base.

“Nothing happened,” Scottwalker said. I walked again silently from the direction we had just come. There was no dramatic effect this time. A manhole-sized hole had opened up in a row between the corn.

“It has to be hard to find,” I explained. One by one they climbed down the ladder inside. I went last because only I knew that you have to push the button on the wall to reseal the door.

We came into what they must have thought was a large air duct. Of course, if you follow the duct; it just leads you in circles. I took them a few feet down the duct. I stopped at a certain point and jumped, I like activating things with my feet. Nothing happened. A few moments later, suddenly, nothing happened again. I jumped again. Then, embarrassed, I took them back the way we came double the distance we had just walked. I stopped and jumped again.

I then fell through a chute that was actually a twisty fun slide. I came out into the main hall of my base. My companions, who obviously hesitated at the top, came a few moments later.

“Welcome to J.W.K.A.O.C. H.Q.,” I announced.

Scottwalker let out a soft whistle, “Impressive.”

“This way,” I said. I lead them down the hall and into a side room.

“Jobi-Wan,” a young J.W.K.A.O.C. agent stood at attention.

“Good day Chap,” I said. I like to keep things formal at the base.

“You’ve arrived just a few minutes after the deciphering was completed,” the J.W.K.A.O.C. agent explained.

“Thank you.”

I then walked over to the big computer screen in the room. Bruce, my best J.W.K.A.O.C. agent, was standing there.

“Oh good you’re here,” he said signaling to one of the J.W.K.A.O.C. agents at the smaller computers. A word document appeared on the screen.

This is the basic gist of what the document said. Chuck Norris plans to kill all who would oppose him, obviously. He’d use 42,000,000 missiles to blow up the Blob.

“We need to stop that fiend!” Scottwalker said.

“Hmmm, something makes me think that there is a more sinister plot behind this,” Nanakin proposed.

“Ohh, trust me. That is exactly what Chuck is planning,” Bruce said, “That’s exactly the way he thinks.”

“We need to find those missiles and destroy them,” I said. “I don’t think you destroy missiles you disable them Jobi,” Nanakin said.

“There should have been more on the disc; we have no idea where the missiles are. We need to find out where they are,” Ki-Grammy said.

“Why wouldn’t he have shot off the missiles yet if that’s his plan?” Scottwalker wondered.

“That’s a very good point,” Nanakin pointed out the point, “if his plan was to blow up the world with his missiles, and he hasn’t yet, there must be a problem with the missiles.”

“There could be anything wrong: they might not have a launch site, the missiles might not be assembled, and there could be a thousand malfunctions with any number of the missiles, the list is endless,” I said.

“Yes, but there is a shopping list is at the bottom of the page that shows he hasn’t purchased all the parts to the missiles, and some of these parts are only made at single places across the world. So all we have to do is go to these locations and wait for Chuck to come to us.”

“That’s a great plan except you forget that Chuck no longer has his list...”

There was an explosion somewhere across the base, and we could here lots of commotion. We ran to where we thought the noise was coming from.

We came to a long hallway. At the end there was a giant hole with smoke billowing out. I could only guess that the other side led to a tunnel that back to the surface. Chuck’s elite soldiers, the monster monkeys began pouring in by the dozens.

They’re these things that look like hunchback monkeys with really sharp teeth, claws and a fin coming out of their humps. They’re also seven feet tall and can chew through concrete. Plus they have about seven of every organ and can live with just one, so if you strike anything fatal it doesn’t matter. Also they regenerate every part of their body very quickly so you have to strike all seven of the same fatal thing in under 60 seconds. You can forget about blood loss because their skin also heals quickly and they will shortly create enough blood again. The best way to kill them is to hack off their head, but who’s going to be able to hack of a seven-foot tall mutant monkey’s head?

My J.W.K.A.O.C. agents were trained for this. They set up catapults, and launched themselves into the army and used their rifles to shoot them point blank in the neck and send their head off their shoulders. Though, once a monkey was shot the agent had to run back quickly to avoid getting chompped. They also had gun slits in the walls where other agents could distract the monkeys. This helped the others to escape.

Now my companions and I didn’t have to do this, but just to be cool, I set a explosive charge off under a sheet of metal that we were standing on. This launched us into the air and tossed us into the fray with a ball of fire. It looked so awesome.

I flew above seven Monster Monkeys and pulled out my sword. You may wonder why I chose to use a sword. Well, first off I find it much handier against monster monkeys than a gun. Also, this isn’t just any regular sword. Here is the story behind it:

There was a great scientist who made many inventions. He also did a great number of other great things for Blob. Well, that was all years before I was born. One day while I was walking my dog down my street; I met an old man who was one of my neighbors. I had never seen before. He enjoyed my company, and we became friends. As it turns out, my neighbor was a colleague and close friend of the aforementioned great scientist.

He decided to show me one of his last inventions. It was a sword. Though oddly it had an on switch. Upon turning on the sword it let out a slight vibration accompanied by a very soft hum. It gave the effect that there was some sort of power running through the blade. If you touched the blade, though, it just felt like any other metal. I soon discovered that it behaved just like any sword would while it was switched off, but when switched on it could cut through ten sheaves of wheat in a row with one effortless stroke. My neighbor let me keep the sword since he had no use for it and had no idea or intention of learning how to use it.

I spent about five years learning how to properly use the sword. I have continued training with it every day to keep up my skill and to continue getting better. Back to the battle.

I hacked off four of monkey heads right in a row, but since they have super-fast reflexes the other three were on me like seven-foot-tall carnivorous monkeys on something they can eat. One jumped on my back, and the other two grabbed my legs and tried to gnaw through my aggregated diamond nanorod* (which is 3x harder than iron (which is harder than concrete)) boots.

*This material also has the advantage of being relatively light, it has less than half the density of Iron (3.54 g/cm^3 as compared with 7.874 g/cm^3 for Iron). It does have the somewhat large disadvantage that it requires tremendous pressures in order to be made. Currently only small quantities can be manufactured at a time, and it's fairly expensive stuff. So unlikely you could get a sword made out of it any time soon. However I am lucky enough to have an entire suit made out of it. And a helmet, which I was not wearing at the time.*

The one on my back was about to bite my head off when Scottwalker stuck his shotgun in its mouth and blasted off half of its head taking all seven brains with it. I quickly decapitated the monkey on my left foot. The one on the right grabbed Scottwalker and slammed him on the floor.

I swung at him, but amazingly, the monkey grabbed my wrist and twisted it so that my sword fell to the floor. I did a rather awesome flip to straighten my wrist out before it was snapped. Scottwalker, no longer being armed, jumped on the monkey’s back and grabbed it around the throat. The monkey grabbed him with his other arm and swung him around into me. I hit the floor and rolled out of the way as the monkey slammed him again into the floor in an attempt to hit me. I grabbed the monkey’s arm and swung around on it in order to twist it up. It dropped Scottwalker. On spinning around, I kicked the monkey in the face and sent it to the floor. I jumped on top, grabbed its head, and twisted as hard as I could. I got up and grabbed my sword. To my dismay, I hadn’t completely broken its neck. As the monkey fell on top of me, I stabbed it in the stomach, and pulled my sword out to the side. Already, I could see the wound mending as the monkey reeled back in pain. I took advantage of this and quickly finished the cut all the way through the body.

I turned to see another monkey moving toward Scotwalker’s unconscious body. I dove between both of them, but I couldn’t get my sword ready fast enough. When Bruce came down from the air on top of the monkey’s back and blasted it in the back of the neck. Another J.W.K.A.O.C. agent came to take Scottwalker to safety.

I looked across the room. Ki-Grammy was shooting huge fireballs out of his hands. These would engulf and burn an entire monkey before it could regenerate. Ki-Grammy has a condition scientifically known as “wrists of napalm” or more derogatorily as “Firearms”. He could generate and launch large balls out of the spot where your wrist meets your hands. Though, few people have this condition or have mastered the art of controlling it, but Ki-Grammy has. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything to spectacular without running the risk of burning himself. Though, he can generate fire, he can still be burnt by it. He has a thermo-repression (or flame retardant if you prefer) suit to protect himself from his own fire.

Now, you may wonder, “Well, why doesn’t he just constantly spout fire?” Well, generating fire requires energy. If he just spouts fire out it will wear him out. Also he may burn himself, impair his vision, or cause many other not nice things to happen.

We battled on for about two more minutes. Then she appeared. It was the Pink Super Ranger. She began firing her bow at my agents. When the arrow hit they instantly disintegrated.

Nanakin said, “I have a plan to get rid of them all. Move the army back a bit. I’m going to fill your emergency sprinklers with two fluids. The first will slow the monkey’s regeneration and the second will melt them. If you don’t move back the spray will melt you. There could be a risk of fire because I need to start one to set off the sprinklers. So be ready.” He ran off to do just that.

I used my radio, which each of my agents had in their helmets, to tell them to move back. When they started moving my companions did the same. We were lucky that the Pink Super Ranger was there. Because of her, the monkeys were keeping their distance to avoid being hit by an arrow.

When we passed the catapults the Monster Monkeys jumped on and destroyed them. Then the army began using corpses to defend themselves from the Pink Super Ranger’s arrows. They had to keep grabbing a new one because every time she shot one, it disintegrated. We were running out of bodies to defend ourselves with.

I wondered what was taking Nanakin so long. Suddenly, a wall that I didn’t even know existed fell down in front of us. Then I smelt something burning. I heard some screaming. The wall lifted, and all that remained were several puddles of goop, broken scorched catapults, and some steam. The place was rather rancid.

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There ya go. First action-packed chapter. The next one will not be sadly. Thanks to anyone who's reading. This was a long part, but the next two should be really short.

#11 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1649 posts) - - Show Bio

@jobiwankenobi: I have just read the first part of your work...and I'm confused. You have another alter ego who is writing this story...for example Stephen King invented Richard Bachmann. And here on CV we have handles/user names so you're writing a fan-fic about your ficticious user name....see how lost I am. If you could explain then maybe I could get into what you're writing. The story so far seems fine, I am just REALLY confused!

#12 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: I think I know what you are saying.

The "Dear Reader" Part is a fictitious persona of myself as a historian. I'm describing the history of the story about Jobi-Wan-Kenobi. That part is not part of the actual story.

The real part of the story begins where it says "Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi". This is supposed to be a mind-journal written by the character Jobi-Wan-Kenobi. He's supposed to be using some kind of computer software similar to a word document. He has an implant that records his thoughts onto a word document. Afterwards he can read through it and edit to make it more intelligible. That is the actual part of the story.

My real name is Joseph. I actually chose my username because I had already written this story years ago.

I hope that helps. If you're still confused, let me know, and I'll see if I can help.

#13 Edited by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

So yeah, this is another uneventful chapter. It's short, though.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

We went to my conference room to decide what to do next. I said, “We should go back to the battle scene and leave Chuck’s plans there so then we can go to all his shopping points.”

“Well apparently Chuck knows that we have his plans. Why else would he attack your base,” Nanakin pointed out.

“You know, how did he find your base Jobi? I mean, I didn’t even know it existed, and you don’t know where his is, how come he knows where yours is,” inquired Scottwalker.

I responded, “Internet Maps, I don’t know. Don’t say we should look for his there because I’ve already tried.”

“Well Nanakin I wish you hadn’t melted the Pink Super Ranger because we can’t interrogate her anymore,” Ki-Grammy said.

“At least I had an idea, and that’s one less Super Ranger,” the other said intensifying the bad vibe that had been initiated.

“OH YEAH!” He sounded much like the mascot for that drink, you know, the big pitcher full of red juice, “YOU HAVE SUCH GREAT IDEAS! YOU ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US!”

This came to be a very loud, rather annoying, argument. I had to tell my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents security that no one was dying.

“Well, you know Chuck isn’t that smart. He’s just very secretive,” I said to Scottwalker as the other two yelled.

“So,” Scottwalker said.

“So he doesn’t really think things through,” I said.

“Soooooooooooo,” he repeated.

“He doesn’t have that high of expectations in his enemies,” I said.

“SO WHAT!” He yelled quite loudly, he can get very loud when he is annoyed (or doesn’t understand what’s being said and is afraid that someone will make fun of his low IQ). Somehow, he was louder than the other two’s argument, which the current topic had been about Sarah in High School, causing Ki-Grammy and Nanakin to go silent.

I continued, “So if we left it there he won’t think too much about it. He’ll just think we’re really stupid or something.”

“Evidently, he’s already gone back for his plans, and didn’t find them. So why would he go back looking for something that he knows isn’t there?” Nanakin inquired, “I have a better idea. You could use it as a bargaining chip.”

“Well, he has captured many of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents. We could bargain for that. I don’t know what he wants them for though.”

“Okay, I’ll go make a copy of the list.”

“Wait a second,” Ki-Grammy said, “How are we going to get a hold of him.”

“His E-mail address was on the disc with a note that said 'If found please send here,',’” Nanakin said.

“Oh.”

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The next chapter is even shorter, and pretty uneventful, but hey, you're over halfway through the book now. The chapter after will get back to exciting stuff.

#14 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

Well,this is nice as the others,can't wait untill the action parts.

#15 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

This is a pretty boring chapter, but it is short. The story will pick back up after this one. I'm sure that'll make the two people that even read this happy.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

So we E-mailed Chuck the suggestion. He offered the use of the chat room on his web site for the discussion. That is where we found his E-mail address.

Chuckslayer99-So just how many of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents

Chuckslayer99-have you captured?

Ownerofblob52-9,000

Chuckslayer99-Is that an approximation?

Ownerofblob52-Yes

Ownerofblob52-I actually have 9,582.

Chuckslayer99-Don’t you round up? Wouldn’t your

Chuckslayer99-approximation be 10,000?

Ownerofblob52-I’ve never been good with math, but I’m

Ownerofblob52-pretty sure that I did it right.

Chuckslayer99-Hi Chuck, this is Nanakin.

Ownerofblob52-Oh, the owner of Nanohard?

Chuckslayer99-Yeah, I design computers and whatnot.

Ownerofblob52-Oh, you must be good at math then.

Chuckslayer99-Yeah, and you round up.

Ownerofblob52-I don’t care just say what you want.

Chuckslayer99-Yeah, this is Jobi-Wan again. We want to

Chuckslayer99-trade you back your disc that you attacked us

Chuckslayer99-for, for all of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents.

Ownerofblob52-Why would I do that? What makes you think

Ownerofblob52-that it’s important.

Chuckslayer99-Uhhhhhhhhhh, you attacked us for it.

Ownerofblob52-BLAST! You know.

Chuckslayer99-What? What are you talking about?

Ownerofblob52-NOTHING! Nothing. Sure I’ll make the trade,

Ownerofblob52-but how are we going to run this little

Ownerofblob52-debacle without anyone back stabbing the

Ownerofblob52-other?

Chuckslayer99-Hey this is Nanakin again. I’ve got a machine

Chuckslayer99-that can teleport both items to each place.

Ownerofblob52-Okay we’ll do that. Signing off. By the way

Ownerofblob52-I really like your screen name.

Chuckslayer99-Umm, okay.

Ownerofblob52-Chuck’s Lair, cute.

Chuckslayer99-Signing off.

“Well that worked out perfectly,” Scottwalker said.

When the trade was complete we went back to the computer. There were five different manufacturers where Chuck definitely needed parts. There was one on Continent E, Continent F, Continent G, Continent A, and Continent B (just a little ways from my base.) Continents C and D must have felt left out.

We each took a regiment of J.W.K.A.O.C. agents to each of the bases. Nanakin went to Continent E, Scottwalker to Continent F, Ki-Grammy to Continent G, and I to Continent A. We left the majority of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents at base to watch the one on Continent B.

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Oh can't you feel the suspense? Yeah, neither can I. The next chapter will be better.

#16 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting.

#17 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm very sorry, I didn't post yesterday. I apologize to the two people who read this. My internet service was out yesterday.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Continent A is well renowned for its pizza. I was there for about a month enjoying all the pizza when I got a call from Nanakin. I told him he’d have to wait until I got back to the house I had rented. It was reinforced with all kinds of security stuff so that Chuck wouldn't find us, but we would find him if he showed up. My J.W.K.A.O.C. agents always left in certain shifts in some special kind of a routine thing to make it look like a typical house. I did whatever I wanted, however, because I was the leader.

When I got inside I called Nanakin back. He said Chuck had come in the middle of the night. The Black Super Ranger had been sent. Nobody could see him because of how his suit blended in with the darkness. There wasn’t even a fight at all. No one even knew he had been there until they had found a letter signed by the Black Super Ranger saying he had stolen the component.

I told Nanakin that he alone should go to aid Scottwalker, since his was apparently the hardest place to watch for some reason, and my agents should go back to base.

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Short chapter, not too boring. The next two are better, though.

#18 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

Sorry, I waited so long to post. I've been at work all day. This part's more exciting.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

After that, another week went by, nothing interesting happened. Monday the next day there was a call for me while I was napping. It was Ki-Grammy. The Red Super Ranger stole his device. He used a bunch of Monster Ninja Monkeys to sneak in and set off an explosion. Only two J.W.K.A.O.C. agents were killed, but forty-five were in urgent-care. Only forty-one were in regular care.

Now Ki-Grammy likes to keep a recording device thingy in his helmet so he can watch his fights later. He sent me the video and this is what I saw. Everyone ran to the explosion. J.W.K.A.O.C. agents were running into defensive positions, trying to find out what was going on, and attempting to put out the fire.

Ki-Grammy was looking side to side trying to find anything useful. J.W.K.A.O.C. agents were making it hard to figure out what was going on as they ran around, yelling, and carrying out the wounded. Then Ki-Grammy spotted the Monster Ninja Monkeys running toward a stack of crates holding a bunch of the devices. He pointed and yelled, “Over there!”

There were only six, cleverly placed I might add, J.W.K.A.O.C agents right in front of the case the device was in. They took down two of the Monster Ninja Monkeys, leaving only two left, to knock them to the ground and throw them around. Ki-Grammy turned to see the J.W.K.A.O.C. agents battling with Chuck’s regular human soldiers. He then spouted fire toward the ground and used that to help him jump into the crossbeams of the ceiling.

He sneaked to the spot above where the remaining J.W.K.A.O.C. were desperately trying to overpower the Monster Ninja Monkeys without any weapons. Then Ki-Grammy dropped down in a very cool fashion like you see in movies, from the shadows in the ceiling. He immediately incinerated the two Monster Ninja Monkeys at once, dual shooting fireballs. Suddenly the screen began fuzzing up as Ki-Grammy fell to the floor and then went black.

Ki-Grammy explained that the Red Super Ranger, dropping from where Ki-Grammy just had, in the same fashion, had clubbed him in the head. He’s the Red Super Ranger (red’s the power color) and he’s the leader, so he’s the strongest. This made it a very painful hit to his head.

I told Ki-Grammy to return to my base with the remainder of the agents.

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More exciting Yay!

#19 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (20123 posts) - - Show Bio

Nice. I like the style of your writing.

Can't wait for the fight scenes!

Online
#20 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks to my few readers. I've heard requests for fight scenes. I already posted some didn't I? Oh well, this chapter is long and has plenty of fighting. Again thank you my few readers.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Warning, very unnecessary tangent. It may contain humor, however, it has almost no relevance to the story. It is still entertaining. Five weeks passed, and I ate pizza. Nothing else happened… at all. I was walking to Al’s Best Pizza, the best pizza, in my opinion, there ever was in the whole Blob, when something odd happened. I went inside, and Al wasn’t there. I went out back. He was being mugged! I was so surprised; who would mug Al? He was a nice guy and was very poor. Well anyway they weren’t caught off guard. They immediately grabbed me. This was a very stupid idea. One, nobody grabs me, and two as soon as you threaten me, at all, my instincts kick in. So I grabbed one of the arms holding me and swung it as hard as I could toward his partner.

Now these guys weren’t like the Monster Monkeys, Walking Squids, or Turbo Bionic Launcher Cannon Deathwalking 9000 Robot Army, complete with every weapon available to man and an automatic bar upgrade. It serves every food and beverage available to man, for when their boss walks in the room (which I would find it very annoying to walk into a room full of my robots, and they all immediately pop out little bars). Captain Killingyouguy purchased these with the money he got from his Grandma on his birthday.

So this guy hit his partner very hard. Then they both flew into the wall and probably broke every bone in their bodies.

Al thanked me for committing homicide to save the thirteen cents in his pocket and said that saving his life was worth the damage of the gigantic cracks going up his wall. As it turns out they added a little style to his restaurant. Shortly after I left, his business boomed. I still don’t understand how cracks did this. He got his business put into stock. He hired people to do his job for him. He could do whatever he wanted and let his people do the job for him while he raked in the dough. He never had to spend a dime to make new restaurants because then he would lose the cracks’ effect, or something, and he was making tons of money anyway. One day the cracks got too big, and his building collapsed. He didn’t realize it because he had gotten too lazy by then to check on anything, and his employees were too afraid to tell him. So they continued taking their salaries until he had spent all of his money without realizing it. Then he got very poor and became a bum.

Some strangers, who claimed to be friends, picked him up one day. Shortly after picking him up, they sold him into slavery to work in the wheat fields owned by the crop cartels of Continent C. Al blamed it all on me. Pointless tangent ends here.

Back to here and now. I went back to the house, so nothing happened for awhile. Then Chuck showed up at the factory with every troop he owned, well actually he didn’t show up, but the rest of his army did, which means this was in fact the last component he needed for his missiles. Also, I guess I really have no way of knowing if every troop was in fact present.

His army surrounded the building in siege sort of fashion. It was an odd sight, many heavily armed men with a bunch a mutant monkeys surrounding a mid-sized building in the middle of the desert. Each of his Super Rangers had an equal amount of human and Monster Monkey soldiers. You may notice the dramatic irony, see Chuck thinks that I’m in the factory, but I’m not (hee hee hee). We were watching from a somewhat distant hill. I contacted everyone and told them to come here, this was the last component, and I wasn’t going to let Chuck get it. We couldn’t wait for them though because they would have to leave discretely, and it’ll take them a long time to sneak armies from secret bases and move them to a completely different continent without arousing suspicion.

We decided to take out the main threat first, the Red Super Ranger, obviously. Each segment of the army was doing the exact same thing. They set up cannons pointed at the factory and replaying a message over loudspeakers that said, “Show yourselves, followers of Jobi-Wan!”

We could see the workers inside, every single one was calling someone. Bruce checked to see what each was dialing on their phones, with a pair of special binoculars.

“There are one hundred workers inside. Sixty-five are calling the police, twenty are calling the army (somehow), ten are calling their families, four are calling Animal Control about a giant monkey problem, and one is calling his psychiatrist about his pills. From the snippets of conversation I can catch, it appears that no one is coming, except Animal Control,” he reported.

We had to act fast. At least we had the element of surprise. It was pretty easy to toss some adhesive grenades on the Red Super Ranger’s men’s cannons’ barrels. Then KABLOOEY they were all out of order. We took down some of the soldiers with this attack. Then the Blue Super Ranger immediately aimed all of his guns toward the explosion and fired. This was very stupid because even if we were there, he would have killed everyone, including his allies. Though, he killed all his friends and none of us. To this day I don’t know why he fired knowing this, and also thinking that were in the factory.

It must have been some sort of a rivalry thing because the Red Super Ranger was always so cool and showing the Blue Super Ranger up in front of Chuck, and never letting poor nerdy Blue Super Ranger have his chance to shine.

Well anyway, there was no one left over there, except the Red Super Ranger somehow, and everyone else was confused. So we just sort of sauntered right on over to the Black Super Ranger’s regiment without anyone even noticing. He’s an idiot so we just walked right into his confused group. We threw our hands in the air, started screaming, and running in circles. This really drove them mad. Four J.W.K.A.O.C. agents and I incapacitated the artillerymen and took control of the cannons. We turned them on the disorganized regiment. All of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents evacuated. We opened fire. After there was no one left we turned the guns onto the Blue Super Ranger’s regiment because they probably knew we were there. We saw that the Black Super Ranger had escaped our fire. He was running toward the Blue Super Ranger yelling, “There, there, Jobi-Wan is over there!”

“Open Fire!” I yelled. My J.W.K.A.O.C. agents let lose several rounds in the enemy’s direction. Fire returned from the Blue Super Rangers regiment. Two of our cannons were knocked out in the attack.

“Abandon the cannons!” I yelled jumping from my own. Only one of the two J.W.K.A.O.C. agents made it down before the cannons exploded. Soon there were Monster Monkey’s all over us. There were body parts flying all over the place. After I had taken down about five Monster Monkeys, two things happened. First the head of one of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents knocked me in the back of the head, and second the head of one of the Monster Monkeys hit me in the face, knocking me unconscious. Why did I never wear my helmet?

When I woke up there was still a Monster Monkey head lying on my face. There was a big hole in it so I could see what was going on.

I heard someone say, “We still haven’t found Jobi-Wan’s body, but we did get the components for the missiles.” I heard sirens coming. A different voice said, “Ugh, it’s Animal Control.” There was an explosion, and then I could hear the sirens fading away. I couldn’t see who was talking, but I could see sixteen of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents standing surrounded by several of Chuck’s soldiers. I was confused to see that Bruce was in an undershirt and boxers. Then I felt my leg. I wondered how and why he put me into his uniform. Then I thought that the enemy would think I was just a dead J.W.K.A.O.C. agent.

So I reached for my sword. I aimed it toward the voices, which I could only guess were the Super Rangers. I turned it on and swung, yes! I hit someone in the leg. I jumped up and hacked off ten Monster Monkey’s heads, they had been fighting over a corpse. My agents grabbed guns from the soldiers around them, who had been shocked by my action. We all dove behind the debris of a cannon. I picked up a discarded gun and we began firing. One of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents ran out of ammo. There were no guns in reach. He jumped over the cannon and threw it into a soldier’s face. He then punched a Monster Monkey in the stomach. The Monster Monkey flinched a little then picked him up by his arm and bit off the upper-half of his body.

After some fighting we were all soon surrounded again. Only this time the Blue Super Ranger was trying to look cool and menacing by waving his tsai in my face. “Well, well, well, Jobi-Wan-Kenobi aren’t you a very clever person.” Ohhh, didn’t he feel macho? “I think we should have some fun with you before we bring you to Chuck.”

Some soldiers and Monster Monkeys muttered or grunted in agreement. I would have spat on the ground if my mouth weren’t so dry.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, we don’t have time for that,” the Red Super Ranger said. The J.W.K.A.O.C. agent who had been thrown to the ground got up with a yell and punched the Red Super Ranger in the head. He fell over and the brave J.W.K.A.O.C. agent turned to get a tsai stuck in his stomach.

The Blue Super Ranger then turned to me and said gloating, “ You know, I expected you to be lot tougher to beat. I don’t know how you managed to be such a nuisance for so long.”

Then I saw a red dot on his forehead. Suddenly, blam! The Blue Super Ranger reeled and fell to the ground. All the enemies were disoriented, looking for the source of danger. I leaped to my feet and grabbed my sword from the Blue Super Ranger’s hand. His grip tightened unexpectedly around my wrist. I noticed in the blink of an eye that the shot had only dented his helmet and not seriously injured him.

He swung his tsai at my head. I raised my arm and blocked it just in time. Thankfully, I was actually wearing my gauntlets. He then stabbed at my stomach and I jumped back, letting go of my sword. My J.W.K.A.O.C. agents had leapt to their feet and were once again combating with the enemy.

Then red smoke surrounded us and several helicopters flew over head. It was Scottwalker and Nanakin to the Rescue! The helicopters opened fire on the fleeing soldiers. The Blue Super Ranger swung at me with my own sword. I did a rather cool looking back flip to avoid it. As my foot passed, I kicked my sword from his grip. It went skittering across the gravel. He then pulled out both of his tsais. He swung with one, and I reached under grabbing his wrist.

I had practiced this technique since I was twelve in case of the event that I was ever mugged or in some situation where I had to grab a knife out of someone’s hand.

I twisted his wrist and the tsai fell to the ground. I kicked it away and ducked as his other tsai came around aimed for my neck. I moved quickly behind him, keeping my hold on his arm so that he was half-wrapped up by his own arm. As he untwisted, I spin kicked him in the face. He went reeling and fell next to my sword dropping his other tsai. I ran over and he kicked me in the chest. I reeled back, and he grabbed my sword by the blade in his haste. I ran back and forced him to the ground with my foot. He swung my sword by the blade and hit me in the leg.

Fortunately the sword wasn’t on and I only suffered a severe cut over a severing cut. I pulled the blade from my leg by the hilt. He jabbed at my wounded leg, and I fell to the ground next to him. He rolled over on top of me still grasping my sword. He punched me in the face, and I kicked him in the gut. As he moved back slightly stunned, I wrenched my sword from his grip. He then dove back at me. I stabbed him in the stomach without turning on the sword.

He pulled it out and took in a ragged breath. He then raised his fist, and turning on the sword; I cut him down. I pushed his body off of me, and no sooner, a rope fell from the sky. I grabbed it and felt a tugging sensation just before I blacked out from blood loss.

I woke up and was greeted by blinding whiteness in my eyes. As my eyes adjusted, I realized that I was in the medical wing of my secret base. A few moments after awakening, a J.W.K.A.O.C. agent walked in.

“Good you’re up. How does your leg feel?”

I then became aware that my leg was completely numb. I couldn’t even move it. “It’s completely numb. I can’t even move it,” I answered.

“That’s good.”

“How’s that good.”

“Well, you could be experiencing severe pain as if many knives were trying to dig out of your leg. Instead, though, it feels like there’s a kitten sleeping in it. I’d say that’s much better.”

“When will I be able to walk?”

“Tomorrow afternoon. You’re lucky that we got to that cut as quickly as we did. If not, we may have had to amputate it.” That thought made me shudder. “You all right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, I just thought that I saw you shudder.”

“Oh, well I’m fine.”

“Ok. Well you cannot walk at all today or you will pop your stitches. By noon tomorrow you should be good to go.”

“Alright, thanks. How long was I out?”

“Just, overnight.”

“Thanks.” Well, that was a relief. He left and came back a while later with crutches. I got dressed and left. Before I went to the war room, where I was sure my companions would be, I decided to stop by on some other patients to let them no that I cared and to keep up morale. Then I went to the war room.

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First time seeing Jobi-Wan fight, so now he has feats. Hope you enjoyed this long action packed chapter. There is only one really long chapter left.

#21 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

This is the last chapter. I'll interrupt at some point to point out when a tie in with the rest of the Vinersaurs' fan-fic.

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Writer: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Editor: Jobi-Wan-Kenobi

Ki-Grammy told me that only half of Bin Laden’s army escaped. Unfortunately among them were all the Super Rangers that still lived.

“So what do we do now?” asked Scottwalker.

“We assume that one of the Super Rangers had the components,” Nanakin stated.

“Yeah but we still don’t know where he’s going to launch the missiles from, so we can’t do anything,” the other said.

“Hey guys! I think we should watch this,” Ki-Grammy said pointing at the TV, which is always running the news in my war room.

Yes, we are receiving news that a man under the name of Chuck Norris is sending a message that he has enough missiles mounted on Blob jr. (Blob jr. is the creative name of our moon orbiting Blob.) to blow up Blob. No one knows if this is true, but he is demanding to be supreme ruler of Blob and to have everyone on it do exactly as he wishes. We will keep you updated.

“Well now we know where to go,” Ki-Grammy said.

“Nanakin do you have any shuttles that we can use to get to Blob jr.?” I asked.

“Yeah, but it won’t carry that many people,” the other answered, “Plus it’ll take a while to get to Blob jr. It won’t take any time at all getting it here though, and I do have pretty much an unlimited amount of spacesuits.”

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” I retorted then I muttered so only he could here, “The rooms off to the right of every hanger and garage are packed full with nitrous capsules.”

“You do realize guns will be worthless up there,” Scottwalker said, “A bullet can’t be fired fast enough to penetrate anything.”

“Hmmm, that does present a problem,” I said, “my base isn’t exactly loaded down with swords and battle axes, which wouldn’t help either since you can’t swing them fast enough. All we have here are some knives and brass knuckles, oh yeah and the fire poker.”

“Well, if you look at it differently,” Nanakin said, “Chuck probably doesn’t have anything to defend himself with up there.”

“That is a good point,” Ki-Grammy said.

“Yeah, but if it comes down to see who can push over the other first, I’m gonna have to say that we don’t stand a chance against a Monster Monkey,” Scottwalker put in.

“We have no choice,” I said, “We have to go up there with whatever we have that might be useful. If we don’t Chuck will destroy the entire Blob.”

“Well then, let’s get to it,” Ki-Grammy said.

We left to get ready. I wish we had stayed in the room for a few more seconds than we had. I later found out that the TV said this right after we left.

And to someone named Jobi-Wan-Kenobi ‘Anything you try is futile because Chuck Norris always has a back up plan Mwa-Ha...Ha-Ha… Ha-Ha!’ Alrighty now over to Chris with coverage of the game.

We gathered up all the weapons that we thought would be useful: knives, grenades, rocket launchers (with self-propelled rockets), and the fire poker. We all suited up in our various sets of gear overtop our spacesuits.

Our plan was simple: continuously send up full shuttles of reinforcements. Nanakin would have to be pilot. We were to land half a mile from Chuck’s setup. Nanakin was able to locate it with some sort of sensor thingy on his shuttle. Any wounded are to be carried back to the marked landing sight. When the shuttle arrives and the reinforcements let off, the wounded are to be loaded on and taken back down to receive treatment. Then the process was to be done over again. If any wounded manage to heal up and want to rejoin the fight, they will join the others in the waiting room. If we manage to run out of J.W.K.A.O.C. agents to bring to Blob jr. then the shuttle was to remain on Blob jr. and ship down any wounded brought to it. Hey, I said simple not short.

We commenced with our flight to Blob jr. We could only fit about 78 J.W.K.A.O.C. agents in it at a time. I went up with the first batch. We landed and I marked the point with a bright orange flag as Nanakin flew away. That way it would be easier to find, since orange stands out.

We began our approach. We could barely get within 100 meters of the place without being seen by Chuck's scanners. We knew this because he always marked his territory with a big circle in the dirt. From there we could see he was not taking any chances. He had Monster Monkeys all around and on top of his missiles. Weird, but surprisingly affective.

There were the 42,000,000 missiles. 10 soldiers were placed within about every 20 square foot area. We knew we couldn’t harm Blob jr. in any way with the fear of endangering Blob’s stability. We didn’t know if Chuck knew that. So we had to disable the missiles without blowing them up.

“What I got from Nanakin’s computer language,” I explained to my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents, “is that what he got from the information we had on Chuck’s missiles is that they aren’t like anything he’s ever seen before. Chuck really has no idea how to build a missile. Nanakin thinks that if we can harm the nose or tail of a missile, it won’t explode and it won’t be able to fly properly. So the plan is to attack and try to damage the missiles in this fashion as much as possible. By the way, leave the Monster Monkeys to me.”

We then ran as best as we could toward them. They couldn’t here us, but many saw us. Before they could move more than two inches, we were upon them. I tried to get at the Monster Monkeys as best I could, but Chuck had his army organized so that the soldiers got stronger the closer you got to the missiles.

All too soon they got their heads on straight. All around me my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents were suffocating to death from punctured oxygen tanks and ripped suits. I saw one J.W.K.A.O.C. agent whose helmet got smashed open and everything inside him was sucked out threw his face.

Seeing this sent me into a bit of a crazy rage. All I could see was red for the duration of this. I went a little crazy chopping up people then. Once I got a hold of myself; I ordered Bruce and some other men to carry off the wounded and those losing oxygen. They were to fix the suit damages with man’s secret weapon, duct tape. “Everyone punch forward as hard as you can so they can get the wounded out!” I shouted.

Then, just as the wounded were carried off, I saw it. Rising from behind a rocky dune on two metal legs. Chuck had constructed something terrible. It was a gigantic metal machine he had built to keep himself safe while fighting was going on. Upon its two huge legs was a huge, seemingly impregnable, metal box with two little windows in the front. On either side were two huge cannons with bullet chains hanging off them. They obviously shot enormous bullets in a machine gun fashion. On top of the box, there were two huge missile turrets. He was sitting inside with his remaining Super Rangers.

“Ha ha ha,” he cackled, “and this isn’t even the worst of your fears!” I couldn’t actually here him, but I can read lips.

I knew that, if he shot off any of those weapons, he could damage Blob jr. or knock it out of orbit and henceforth Blob would probably be destroyed.

I whipped around and cut the Monster Monkey standing behind me in half, turned around and stabbed the Monster Monkey, whom I had just knocked down, in the belly area seven times. I jumped off the ground as hard as I could. Chuck was to busy focusing on whom he wanted to kill first to see me. I landed on top of the box. Chuck heard me and started stomping around in the attempt to shake me off. In the process he crushed several of his own men and stifled the explosion of one of the missiles he stepped on. Creating a new crater in the process.

“Good news,” I told all my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents through the radios in our helmets, “it turns out that destroying the missiles causes a much milder explosion than we thought. Have fun.”

I did a 360 and cut off both missile turrets that had turned inward to face me. I swung down and cut off one of the machine guns then ran alongside the side of the box and cut off the other one. I fell to the ground stabbing a soldier in the head, whipped my sword out of his body, and cut off both legs of the giant box.

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This would be a good moment for Tom to come and use some sort of plot device that only freezes time in this section of the galaxy. He can convince Jobi-Wan to come help him, or something, as long as nothing will happen here while Jobi-Wan is gone. This is not the end of the story, though...

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It fell to the ground slowly with a thud. Then I realized enemies surrounded several of my J.W.K.A.O.C. agents and me. “Ha ha ha,” Chuck cackled, he must have gotten into our radio system, “Just kill them already.”

Suddenly there was a blade protruding from half the soldiers surrounding us, then there were several Monster Monkeys missing their heads. Ki-Grammy had come to the rescue! Then I noticed Nanakin’s group dismantling the missiles and Scottwalker on the other side of the battlefield.

It was all finally going to be over, when I remembered Chuck. Wanting to rid the universe of him immediately, I whirled around to see his tank completely repaired with an ominous glow around it. Then suddenly it was lifted from the ground.

“Ha ha ha I told, you Jobi-Wan, I always have a back up plan!” Chuck yelled.

I looked up to see he was being pulled toward a giant space ship the size of a mid-sized office building. With the pair of infrared binoculars built into my suit, I saw there was non-human life on board that ship. I looked and saw several similar ships in the sky as well.

“Ha ha ha,” my attention was brought back to Chuck, “My reign of Blob has begun!” I just had time to move out of the way of the laser the Black Super Ranger shot out of his axe.

However Chuck had managed to communicate with aliens, befriend them, and convinced them to come join him in his war; he was definitely not as stupid as I had thought.

Dear Reader,

We do not know why the installation ends here. It can be inferred that Jobi-Wan-Kenobi really likes dramatic effect. To read more, buy the next book. In reading this, we do find peaceful intentions toward the people of Blob.

Sincerely,

Joseph

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I have already started work on the second one. I don't know if I'll post it, though.

#22 Posted by deadpoolrules (4683 posts) - - Show Bio

Really good

#23 Posted by jobiwankenobi (1459 posts) - - Show Bio

@deadpoolrules: Thanks