(Still rated MA, still owned by Marvel. This universe is a switcheroo where the guys are girls and the girls are guys, where good is bad and bad is good! Issues 1-3 are hiding in the spoiler boxes)
My name is Victoria Creed, and what I do ain’t pretty…lucky that I am. I’m a mutant, one of them scary people the government tries to warn you about. But don’t worry, I’m on your side…mostly.
My history is convulted, jumbled and parts of it actually made up, that I have trouble working out whats real or fake. In the end I just do what I’m good at which is fighting, drinking and taking a few hits. Which is how I ended up hanging around with Erika Lehnsherr, who is one of them good mutants the government DOESN’T tell you about, as opposed to Professor X and her gang of teenage mutants who make the news on a daily basis.
I’m here in Madripoor at the Princes Bar. It’s a dive, it’s a pit and it smells funny. Actually the smell is the woman coming up behind me, her footsteps heavy on the wooden floorboards.
“Long time no see Vicky”
My skin crawls as her voice crawls into my ears canals. That gruff, ‘world-owes-me’ tone added to her scent, makes me want to flip the table up and rip out her throat. I turn to see her standing there, in the worst disguise I ever saw.
“Are you a pirate now Logan?”
She chuckles and takes a drag on her cigar “This here proves," She points to the eye patch "That humans are stupid, ignorant filth. Been wearing this for weeks and nobody looks twice at me”
“That’s because you’re an ugly bitch wearing an eye patch!”
The open bar seems to sense trouble and people begin clearing out. For a bunch of low-life scum they’re not stupid. Lucky coz this is probably going to get messy.
Logan pops her adamantium claws out. I respond in kind, but mine don’t make any noise.
“Ready to dance Vicky?”
I stand up looking around the bar, she hasn’t clicked yet…good!
“Oh I’m ready, but you’re in for one hell of a shock”
The floor erupts and two carbonadium tendrils wrap up her arms and pull her like she’s on a Spanish Inquisition rack. She roars in pain as her non-metallic joints stretch.
“Tired of you showing up on my birthday trying to kill me” I state as I head over towards her “So I called an old friend of yours, who is now a friend of mine. Omega Red, I believe you’ve met the runt known as Wolverine”
“Da!” snarled Omega Red, her eyes as red as the old Soviet flag imprinted on her shoulder “I am to be killing you now”
“Y-you think you’re t-the only one with friends?” Wolverine chuckled as the roof exploded in a burst of red laser. A girl in blue and yellow wearing a red visor looked down from the giant hole she’d just created.
“Marvel Boy, clear the debris! Ice Girl, take the Russian. Everyone else, kill Sabretooth!”
Great! Just great!
Trust that sneaky runt to steal my idea! Now not only do I have to deal with Wolverine but her X-Bitches as well! Psychopathic teenagers trained by a psychic bent on a dream that more resembles a nightmare than anything sensible! Cyclops’ eye blast knocks me back across the bar, luckily its more concussive than an actual laser beam, not that it makes much difference; it still hurts like being hit by a small truck!
“My hypothesis is you’re outgunned and outclassed Ms Creed” quipped Beast as she landed on my chest with her giant feet and all 400 pounds of blue hairy muscle, my chest nearly cracks under her weight.
“You talk too much!” I rake my claws up her calves, splitting them open and she howls like the animal she is. I get about two seconds before Angel flies in to try and slam me into the wall. I leap onto her and using her own speed and my weight cause us BOTH to crash through the wall and out into the alley. Red’s going to have to fight her own fight.
I grab Angel by her blonde hair and smash her right in the mouth before I rip my claw across her wing “You’re now grounded!”
<Sniff sniff> Ionised partic…WHAM! Another optic blast clips me in the back, I’m going to blind that bitch one day! But she’s like most bad guys, they lack the killer instinct. It’s something I have trouble in check, but against these idiots I don’t bother. I dive roll and slice open Cyclops’ stomach. She yelps and tries to keep her insides inside. I go to finish her when, well nothing stops me.
“Get away from her!” screamed Marvel Boy popping a tk shield around her which stops me doing something terrible. I snarl and turn my attention to him.
“You’re a pretty boy!” I note as I charge at him "I can see why all the girls like you"
He panics and bats me away with his telekinesis, which is what I needed, space from these dangerous teenagers. I land on the top of the bar and quickly take stock. Angel: out! Beast: out! Cyclops: down but not out. Marvel Boy: panicked. Wolverine: don’t know.
I duck, her adamantium claws shaving an inch off my hair. If she wasn’t such a show pony, she could’ve gutted me. But she loves that sound!
“Getting slow in your old age”
“Look who’s talking!” she growls as she tags me across the shoulder. My healing factor will heal it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I give her a nasty scratch across the chin in return.
“If you idiots knew what you were doing, you could be dangerous!” I tell Wolverine as we tears strips off each other, like wild dogs fighting meat slicers.
“I said almost the same thing to Birdy a few hours ago” laughs Wolverine digging her claws into my gut.
I look deep into her eyes…she’s not lying. Every damn birthday this bitch pops up to make my day hell! Every time I think I’ve got one up on her, she flips it back on me! At least twenty years she’s been doing this to me!
“GRRRRARRRGGGGH!” I sink my teeth into her neck and tear off a sizeable chunk and spit it onto the ground “If you’ve hurt him…”
“I didn’t hurt him,” coughed Wolverine “I killed him!”
I growl a low primal scream and leap at her. My vision goes red and everything starts to blur as I’m just claws and teeth and screams. I snap back when I hear one of the most annoying sounds around.
“Get us outta here elf!” groans Wolverine as Nightcrawler teleports in to rescue her. She's hurt. She'll recover but she's hurt.
“Jawohl fraulien!” says the blue skinned mutant who grabs her hand and again BAMF! They’re gone! I hate that pointy eared blue rat! I throw back my head and howl. Every single damn birthday!
“Are you okay comrade?”
I look down the hole in the roof to see Omega Red standing over the body of a badly beaten Ice Girl.
“A lot better now you caught one of them” I reply as I just back into the bar.
“It is least I can do” she smiles “This up teaming is good da!”
“Team up.” I correct “But yeah” I look down at the unconscious frozen mutant girl and pick her up, throwing her over my shoulder “Let’s have a chat with Roberta.”
Omega Red leaves me, she was only really in this to get Logan and now that she’s scurried off with the X’s, Red isn’t really interested, especially with what I’m about to do to Ice Girl.
Roberta Louisa Drake, one of the original X-Men set, she could seriously do some damage if Professor X actually taught these brats anything about their powers; she could be one of these Omega mutants they keep raving about.
It starts with boiling water, to the face! Roberta screams into consciousness so I stuff a Red Savina habanero chilli in her mouth and duct tape it to keep it in. The heat of the chilli should keep her from concentrating otherwise I’d be a flash-frozen corpse! Roberta’s convulsing, turning red in the face, bucking against the steel chair and cuffs like a bronco…time to get the blow torch and some answers.
“I’m actually quite impressed” I smile and put the blowtorch down “I honestly thought you’d crack after I burnt your fingernails off, but you lasted a whole lot longer than I expected”
I tear to duct tape off her mouth, bloody saliva pours from her blistered mouth “W-west, Westchester”
“So that’s where Logan’s hiding”
“Y-y-yes” tears trickled out her eyes “P-please…n-no, no more”
I look down at the broken girl who once froze a soldier’s head on national television and then punched through it, laughing all the time. I could easily kill her but I’m not an animal, not any more. If the situation was reversed she wouldn’t show me any mercy; I must be getting soft. I hold up her face and wait until she can focus on my face.
“You could be so much more kid” and with that I knock her out cold. I call the local authorities, she won’t be much trouble for them now, tomorrow though is a different story. I head back into Madripoor for a final night on the town, watch some boys dance before heading towards almost certain death if what I think is waiting for me in Westchester.
I hold me arms out as the rent-a-cop waves a metal detector over me. Get’s me thinking on how that little runt travels around without alerting people she’s full of metal? I head to baggage to get my bag...<sniff, sniff> an all too familiar scent wafts my way. I scan the crowd to see a chaffeuer standing with all the others, a slight smile on his face. He’s holding a sign ‘Friend of Humanity’.
“You’re hilarious Mystiquo” I snarl as I hurl my bag at him. He catches it in the chest and we head out of the terminal.
“Well, I’m a funny guy” he says as we get to limo and he morphs back into his familiar blue skinned form. He’s a very attractive man, but he’s bad news, especially for me. We hit the road.
“Why are you here?”
“To warn you” replied Mystiquo as we drove off
“Of what? I’ve been up against it before”
“Not like this!” snapped Mystiquo “Seriously Victoria, Logan’s talked Professor X into calling them all back in”
“ALL OF THEM! X-Force, X-Factor, every bad ass mutant whose ever strapped on that damn X is going to be waiting for you!” I smile, Mystiquo catches it in the rear vision mirror “What are you smiling for?”
“You mean to tell me that nearly every single mutant bitch on the planet is going to be in the one place at the one time?” I pick up my phone and dial “This is too good…Yes, I’ll hold”
“And a hello to you too”
“How did you get this number?”
“HYDRA is not as secure as you think you green haired bastard. Now do you want to do you, your country and everyone on the planet a favour?”
“HYDRA isn’t your personal army Creed!”
“I’ll remember that when you call me in to do one of your special projects”
It goes silent for a while before finally responds “What do you have?”
“Professor X, Wolverine, X-Men, X-Factor and X-Force”
“Together in the one spot”
“YOU ARE #$@%^G KIDDING ME?!”
“Headed there now”
“If you’re jerking my chain Creed…?”
“Just track my phone. Now isn’t this so much better than hunting down S.H.I.E.L.D cells looking for Colonel Nicole Fury?”
“I will personally put a bullet between your eyes i…” I hang up before he rants out another empty threat.
Mystiquo stops the car “This is suicide you know?”
“Yeah, but luckily I heal. Now drive you blue freak!”
Mystiquo parks the limo a few miles from where the X-teams are supposedly hiding out, Westchester. I oughta have my head examined; I’m heading TOWARDS a mutant terror camp run by a mad woman and her horde of teenage freaks. There’s going to be at least forty of them there is Mystiquo’s info is too believed, but it confirms Roberta’s story. Forty! Professor X she has the power to turn my brain to mush! The runt by herself is trouble, but backed up by the rest is almost a nightmare. Which is why I called HYDRA, but since HYDRA are really only good for the legal side of things, I’ve placed a called to my old team seeing if they’d like a bit of pay back for the Mutant Massacre.
“Mrs Dexter. How did…?”
“The Marauders are already on route” she replied “HYDRA leaks like a sieve Victoria. If I could find out you’re heading to Westchester then rest assured THEY know you’re heading there”
“Which means they’re not there at all!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Either warn them or call them off, but they’re heading for a trap! They’re bad guys but they’re not stupid!”
“I beg to differ” replied Mrs Dexter
“Wake up pale face! It’s got trap written all over it! If they want us there, then it’s a trap. But what they’re really after is what’s bugging me”
“Should I call in the Hellfire Club? I am still…”
Something is nagging in the back of my head “The runt doesn’t do things without some twisted sick plan up her sleeve, neither does that mad bald bitch. Something’s going down but not in Westchester”
‘What are you going to do?”
I smiled “What I do best, pick a fight”
The pretentious bastards have a mansion! Tucked away in the hills it’s an actual mansion. Going to enjoy burning it to the ground! But first to deal with the freaks inside! I open my bag and unpack a polycarbonate rocket launcher I smuggled through the airport. Airline security is really about as good a padlock on screen door and if it looks, feels and says telescope on the side, it MUST be a telescope! How Logan gets through airports isn’t such a mystery.
The rocket flies fast and furiously and hits the gate, blowing it to smithereens. A klaxon alarm sounds. I silence that with another blast taking out part of the wall. I probably got one shot left before the kids come.
“CREEEEEEEEED!” screams Cannonball as she rockets out the front door at me. She’s trouble. Totally invulnerable when blasting, so hitting her with my final rocket is pointless. Wrapping her head in the bag though, it covers her face perfectly and she ploughs into the grove of trees behind me. I fire my final rocket into the door exploding it. The smoke and concrete dust fills the air and a lone figure steps through the haze.
“Oh not you”
“Honestly Ms Creed, I thought you were better than simply blowing open the front doors”
I look at Deadpool aka Wilma Wilson, probably the most dangerous woman on the planet. Skilled in every weapon and a healing factor that makes mine look pathetic.
“Well you though wrong Wilma!” I pop my claws as she calmly draws a pair of katanas “Where’s the rest of the brats”
“Really? You get that Creed”
I’m waiting in the lobby of the Baxter Building with my old crew the Marauders; Arclight, Riptide, Harpoon, Prism, Vertigo, Scrambler and Scalphunter when the video-relay from Mystiquo's contact lens cam comes through. He insisted on copying me and going to into the lion’s den, just hope he survives his encounter with Deadpool.
“I did Raven, feel free to run”
“Oh I intend to” he replied before the video went to static.
We’re in New York at the Fantastic Four’s building because this is where they’re headed. The Witch is off with Sandwoman, Thundro and Paste Pot Peta saving the universe again leaving the M’Kraan crystal she has her basement unguarded. Sure the building has the best robotic security system on the planet, but versus forty mutants its back to my airport security analogy.
“Nice to have you back ‘tooth.” nodded Arclight “You miss us?”
“Only taking your money on poker night” I laugh as X-Factor teleport in courtesy of that blue rat Nightcrawler. Multiple Woman makes a human perimeter around the building as Polaris, Havok, Strong Girl and Wolfsbane charge us. It’s like I never left when I start barking orders. “Arclight you’re on wolf boy! Scrambler and Harpoon take out Strong Girl! Riptide on the green hair guy!”
“And us?” asked Prism
“Guard the lobby while I take out the trash!” leap forward and embed my claws into Havok “It’s Cyclops’ little whiney sister!”
“Get off me!” she shrieks as she fires plasma bolts randomly, taking out a few Multiple Girl dupes in the process.
“You remind me of Bobbi Brady from the Brady Bunch, just a sooky little brat who likes to tattle!” I knee her in the face breaking her nose. She howls and aims to blow me in half when I grab her wrists and change her aim: kerblammo into her boyfriend Polaris taking him out. Riptide gives me a thumbs up and heads to help Arclight.
“Oh god, Larry!” scream Alex at the top of her lungs as he falls out of the sky.
“Oh shut up!” I knock her out and look for the next wave; I hope Raven’s okay…suck it up old girl, concentrate. Nightcrawler ports in the next wave…which is what worries me. No Logan. No Professor X. And none of their techs like Forge or Warlock. But it’s bad enough Marvel Boy, Psylocke, Colossus, Shatterstar, Storm…he needs to go out first before he opens up a hurricane or tornado strike in the middle of the city.
I scream for no reason and hit the floor. Dammit! The Professor’s in my head!
<YOU DIRTY LITTLE ANIMAL! I SHALL PEEL YOUR MIND LIKE AN ONION!>
I can feel the animal in me clawing its way past my humanity. I gotta fight to keep it in check. Graaaah! Fight! Fight!
<THE WITCH’S CRYSTAL WILL ALLOW MY DREAM TO BECOME REALITY!>
“You’re insane!” I manage to blurt out as she ransacks my brain. To make my life even worse Colossus slams her big metal fist into my face cracking most of the bones in my face. I’ll heal but GRAAAH. Psylocke rams his psychic blade into my gut ripping me open.
“That’s it!” I grab him by the wrist and head butt his energy weapon, driving it deep into my brain. It hurts like, well driving an energy spike into your brain but the feedback drives Professor X outta my head like a hornet infused migraine.
“You’re insane!” states Psylocke as he tries to gut me again as I stagger about, his psychic knife really screws you around but I’ll take the headache it gives over what the Professor could do! I grab her arm and hyper extend it, just as Shatterstar enters the fray and the alien warrior with the eye tattoo does my job for me and slices off her arm. She’s horrified she’s done it; Psylocke is screaming coz he’s lost an arm at the elbow and I’m laughing because for all the Professor’s talk, they don’t operate like a team!
That damn Russian tractor bitch hits me across the street, through a Multiple Girl and into a lamp post. My healing factor is going into overdrive trying to compensate and I’m not even up to the second class threats yet, these guys are bottom rung. I get up and she’s charging at me like metal train.
(In my corner of the Inversion-Verse the Fantastic Four are The Witch, Sandwoman, Thundro and Paste Pot Peta who in our universe are better known as the Frightful Four. Rita Richards, Steven Storm, Jo Storm and Bettina Grim are the Frightful Four the bad reversed versions of our FF)