#1 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

(Rated M for language and adult themes. Also turned out a little longer than intended...)

***

2am Sunday morning. Dark, and still. The quiet so complete that even the smallest of sounds sent shrill echoes through the streets. Flickering, faltering streetlamps bit into the face of the night like sharpened teeth, piercing the blackness so that small pools of dull artificial light spilled out onto the pavement. With every screech of tyre on tarmac, the city held its breath.

Through this hushed and darkened landscape a figure strode, his heavy-booted footsteps pounding into the concrete beneath. Someone was following him. He could feel it. When he paused, he could hear them, hovering in the shadows behind him. He heard their ragged breathing. He knew.

It's one of the lads, he thought, picking up his pace. He was not a well dressed man, and in as nice a neighbourhood as this one, he could not help but stand out. His jeans and sweater were two or three sizes too big, as though he were part of some successful diet program - but the pallor of his skin betrayed him. I knew we shouldn't have done that last one. Not my fault it went bad, I did say, I did -

He stopped, and looked around. That over there, by the bushes. Was that there before?

Damn idiots are gonna drive me crazy. He shrugged, and kept walking, a little faster now. After tonight, it would be over. He meant it this time, tonight was the last job. And so what if the other guys find out about it? It ain’t personal. S’business. They screwed up last time, I can’t afford to bring ‘em in no more. Might be many things, but I ain’t no killer. F*** that.

He eyed the houses as he walked by, each dormant, snoozing, its secrets fast asleep inside. Spotting the odd light on here and there, he began to make up little stories to amuse himself, and to keep away the darker creatures swimming around in his mental fog. That light on next to the front door, across the street. The house with the birdbath. They left it on for their daughter: she’s at a party, and they don’t like her to come home to a dark house. Or this house coming up, on his side of the road. The third one from where he was now, with the green door and the slinky sports car parked in the drive. There was a light on in the room above the lounge. The couple who live there are having the worst argument they have had in years, and they will be up for most of the night. It doesn’t matter. They’ll be filing for divorce in a few years anyway. The man chuckled, amused by his private stories, wondering if he ever got one right.

Two streets ahead, his destination. A semi-detached house at the far edge of a newly demolished street. He’d been watching this place a long time now. Watching. Learning. Waiting. One resident, female, single, deaf. Her neighbours gone. Almost too good to be true. His last job, handed to him on a platter.

As it came into view, his heart sank. There was someone sitting on the kerb outside. He slowed his pace, peering through the darkness. Had they found out? Was it one of the gang, waiting for him to show so they could teach him a lesson in loyalty with their fists and feet and teeth?

No, he thought. Too small. Though hunched over themselves and difficult see with any clarity, as he neared he realised that this was no thug. It was a child, sitting at the roadside and crying.

He came to a halt at the child’s side, and wondered what to do about her.

Look at yourself, Frankie. It was his mother’s voice, white hot with judgement. Even now, with her ten years gone, he heard her inside of him. Perhaps it was the closest he would ever have to a conscience. About to leave that poor girl alone, and afraid. After what you did….

He closed his eyes tight, trying to block out his memories. All the blood, the screaming, the tearful pleas for mercy falling on deaf and greedy ears. And for what? A couple of TVs, a laptop, a pathetic amount of cash?

That poor, poor family.

He knew what he had to do.

Frankie took a seat on the kerb next to the girl. When he placed his hand on her shoulder, she flinched, and shrieked.

“No, nonono, it’s okay. It’s alright. I’m not gonna hurt you, flower”, he said, looking into her small, trembling face. Kid was made up like a tiny Gene Simmons. Her tears had smeared face paint across her cheeks. “Are you lost?”

The girl said nothing, but nodded sadly.

“Aw, well don’t you worry, we’ll find your folks”, he soothed, and gestured at her make-up. “Did you lose them at the fair?”

“Yes” she mumbled, wiping at her tears.

“I see…well, d’ya know the name of the street you live on?” Frankie asked.

The answer came from behind them. It was a boy’s voice, older, with an intensity to it which felt out of place in one so young. “We used to live on Barr Street. Used to.”

“He’s the one, Jamie” the girl said, turning to look at her companion. “He’s one of ‘em, look.”

Frankie turned with her, in time to see the boy emerging from the shadows in the garden behind them, his face painted up much like hers. If the girl was aged around seven, that made her friend around twelve or thirteen. His mouth was stretched into a tight, unnatural grin. He clutched a metal bat in his small hands. And then it hit Frankie, the realisation hit him in the chest and knocked out his breath like a gunshot. Barr Street. The location of the last job.

“No”, he gasped, transfixed. He shrieked internally for his legs to move, for his body to comply with his mind’s increasingly furious demands to get him out of here. To get him out of here NOW. “W-we we didn’t...oh God we didn’t mean it. You gotta believe we didn’t mean to hurt you...I was scared. I’m so so sorry, I am, I was so scared. Oh Jesus….”

Now it was Frankie’s turn to cry, thick, raw, ugly tears spilling down over his paling, weather-worn face.

“You were scared?” the boy leered. “YOU were scared? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. Look at us.”

Still frozen on the ground, Frankie covered his face with his hands, and shook his head. “No, you’re not real. This isn’t possible. You’re not real.”

“LOOK AT US!!!” the boy screamed, raising the bat above his head, shaking with anger. Still, the man refused. He curled into himself, whimpering, refusing to believe what was happening. Knowing he deserved whatever was coming.

But it didn’t come. With a screech of frustration, the boy threw the bat onto the ground and kicked, driving his foot into Frankie’s back. Pain ran through him like a hot knife. “Not yet” Jamie muttered. “Not yet.”

He took the girl’s hand and helped her up. The children leaned over Frankie, a pathetic, hysterical mess on the floor at their feet.

“Tell them we’re coming” the girl whispered. “We’re coming for you all.”

It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin” the boy added.

With that, they skipped away down the street, holding hands and laughing.

Suddenly, Frankie wished that they had killed him there and then.

Before the week was over, he would wish it again.

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#2 Posted by wildvine (9053 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo

This was excellent. The pace and flow was great. The story just moves right along. And the ending? You write dark the way I write comedy. You have a knack for it sissy. I really enjoyed this.

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#3 Edited by Samimista (20686 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo - This is absolutely brilliant! 0.0 Was this your first draft, Bumps? Really looks professionally done. =D Couldn't help but think it had a 30's/40's style going on with the imagery. Especially with the man striding in the dismal streets. Sad with Frankie's guilt. Really well done! =D

#4 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17884 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: Wow just wow. I have not really read anything of yours before , but this is a great piece. I have not seen the Crow and am not that familiar with it. I do intend to check it out though.

You managed to blend the descriptive dialogue in very well with the speaking parts.

Great work. Can't wait for the next part.

#5 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Praise from the praise worthy! One of our best writers likes my story! *bounces* Thank you, sis :) You're too kind <3

@samimista: Yes, this was the first draft :) it's been sitting on my computer or a while hehehe, but couldn't quite work up the nerve to post it until now. Also very glad you felt that way for Frankie, as mean as he is, I felt a bit of empathy for him too, wanted it to come across. Thanks for taking the time to read it <3

@mrdecepticonleader I really appreciate that, thank you so so much! ^___^ Definitely check out the Crow, I think it would be right up your alley mate :) And the beauty of the concept is, the Crow can be anyone who has died in unfair circumstances. There's a lot of choice in terms of the comics. And the film is AWESOME.

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#6 Posted by wildvine (9053 posts) - - Show Bio
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#7 Posted by Samimista (20686 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: Your first draft? =O Bravo my dear lady! =D It would of taken me two or three drafts to get it this good. xD You really are talented! =D I'm so glad you did decided to post this. Very proud of you. No need to be nervous. =D Your welcome and thanks for sharing!

#8 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17884 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: No problem :) So Frank is the current Crow in your story? Yeah I will just reading up about what happened to the actor and whatnot has sparked my interest.

#9 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17884 posts) - - Show Bio
#10 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio
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#11 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17884 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo said:

@mrdecepticonleader: Aw yes, it was so sad what happened to him :(

And no, the kids are >:)

It was.

Ah I see.

Oh and you have nothing to be nervous about, you clearly have a knack for writing. And even if you didn't same would apply.

#12 Posted by wildvine (9053 posts) - - Show Bio
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#13 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio
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#14 Posted by wildvine (9053 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo said:

@wildvine:I have said it before, I'll say it again. Best promoter EVER <3

Aw shucks. I don't like to brag on myself. (See what I did there?) : P

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#15 Edited by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio
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#16 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17884 posts) - - Show Bio
#17 Posted by Samimista (20686 posts) - - Show Bio

How does this not have more comments? =O This is absolutely brilliant! Rereading it right now.

#18 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@samimista: Hehe! Aw, thanks, Sam. Very sweet of you <3

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#19 Posted by Pyrogram (36545 posts) - - Show Bio

Lovely job :D

#20 Posted by SC (12963 posts) - - Show Bio

Lovely opening! I want to live in that city, its so beautifully described. I like the personification your writing breathes into inanimate objects to provide an atmosphere for the locations. Awwh the part about the conscience and Frankie's mother was nicely written.

Awwh heh heh tiny Gene Simmons. I really enjoyed this, was a nice addition/twist/cool take on the Crow mythology. Conceptually, was brilliant and with your writing and knack at developing the atmosphere to house these characters the execution was likewise great! Thank you for sharing with us!

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#21 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram: Thanks bud! ^_______^

@sc: Aw, wow, thank you very much. Very glad you enjoyed it, I appreciate you taking the time to give it a look mate :)

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#22 Posted by Pyrogram (36545 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: The pacing in this was astonishing. Kinda got me motivated to start Fan Fics again ^_^

Loved it, seriously one of my faves of yours.

#23 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram: That made my day, what a lovely thing to say :) Oh and you should SO write something when you can, I used to love reading your stories :) It would be great to see some more from you!

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#24 Edited by Pyrogram (36545 posts) - - Show Bio
#25 Edited by wildvine (9053 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@bumpyboo: I'll be sure too. Promise :D

(to) And now I got you on record saying you will write again. So get on it lad. : P

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#26 Posted by Pyrogram (36545 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Hehe, oh and I intend to start writing sometime today :P

#27 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

@wildvine: Hehe, oh and I intend to start writing sometime today :P

*squeal of delight* :D

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#28 Posted by feebadger (1445 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: Meh, it's alright...

I'M KIDDING! You know i've waited for this for a long time and it was well worth the wait. Can't wait for more (and I KNOW there's more :):):)

#29 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger: Damn you mister! I was gutted for a second then! :O

Why youse....aw thanks very much, buddy. Hooray! :) Was really hoping you would like it. Part two will be up in the next couple of days ^_^

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#30 Posted by Guardiandevil83 (5520 posts) - - Show Bio

This was spooky as hell!! Great job!

#31 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

This was spooky as hell!! Great job!

Thanks very much for taking time out to read it, very glad you like it. Cheers :D

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#32 Posted by Guardiandevil83 (5520 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: I'm a writer myself so I understand how much effort it takes to sit down and just, well, write! Lol. Also good choice on the Ghost Children. Ghost Children never fail, ask Chloe Moretz lol

#33 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@guardiandevil83: Oh you are? That's great, do you have any writing posted here? If so, I would happy to check it out :)

And thanks, I've always liked storied with badass little girls in, probably watched too much of the Addams Family as a kid hehe ^_^

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#34 Edited by Guardiandevil83 (5520 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: I have about four but their like around pages 13-14 or so. I wrote a Batman and Midnighter crossover but accidentally erased it while editing. I plan on writing more stories so I will let you know the moment I post.

#35 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@guardiandevil83: That would be great thanks! :) Also I will have a rummage around for those others over the weekend ^___^

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#36 Posted by Guardiandevil83 (5520 posts) - - Show Bio

Actually I found one. Its above yours. Its an Amalgamation of Thor and Hyperion. Can you check it out when free? Its titled Thorperion: Prince of New Asgard.

#37 Edited by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@guardiandevil83: Was already reading it when you posted this, and it was a pleasure, thanks again for finding it ^____^

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#38 Posted by batkevin74 (10598 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo:

"Fire it up! Fire it up!"

Nice ending "Suddenly, Frankie wished that they had killed him there and then. Before the week was over, he would wish it again. Don't think you need suddenley though, that's my only real criticism. Good work, may we have another?

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#39 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Thank you very much, BK! ^__^ Yeah, there has been a bit of a delay with the second part, had a nasty bout of flu to get over, but it should be up soon :)

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#40 Posted by batkevin74 (10598 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo:

No worries, I'm still only up to chapter 4 of my Jason Voorhees story and that was months ago

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#41 Posted by cbishop (7543 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo: I thought I had read this already! Very nice. And adding to my FF Long Box (under Horror Inc.). :)

#42 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Yes, that's a good point actually...*cracks whip* :P

@cbishop: Thank you very much for checking it out :) And also reminding me of your Long Box, been meaning to give that a second look :)

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#43 Posted by TommytheHitman (3094 posts) - - Show Bio

It's times like this I wish Horror INC was a shared continuity. Really great story!

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#44 Posted by BumpyBoo (8578 posts) - - Show Bio

@tommythehitman: Thanks! :) I know what you mean, I guess we decided not to have a shared universe so that each writer could have total freedom without worrying about trying to fit their story in with everyone else's. Crossovers and spinoffs are not entirely out of the question though.

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