#1 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio

The heat was even more intense now that the afternoon was approaching.

Debbie and Max glanced over at each other awkwardly then quickly glanced back. Debbie turned to the back seat and smiled nervously at the stranger in the back who was shaking about rolling his eyes around he quickly scratched his unkempt chin.

He glanced right at her with wide eyes almost as if he was looking right through her he then proceeded to tap on the window.

"Tap tap tap tap"

"Hey stop that!" Debbie screeched.

The Hitchhiker looked back at her and tapped his chin.

"Sorry ah thought it was um a tapper window, like ya know ya tap and it uh winds down" he replied.

Debbie looked at him with a slightly confused look she then proceeded to turn back around.

The Hitchhiker reached for his banjo and then began to strum it.

He strummed it faster.

And faster.

And faster.

He then put it back down.

"I p played a song y you can give me some money now....please"

Max shook his head. "I aint paying you anything you're lucky I am driving you back to your house. Now where was it you said you lived?" Max asked.

The Hitchhiker gritted his teeth then looked at his rucksack grinning and laughing to himself he opened up yet another pocket.

He felt Debbie's red hair then flipped open his lighter.

"Your hair is about to get a whole lot more red" He whispered to himself.

Before he could do it Max looked over at him and said "Hey where did you say it was?"

"Just around this corner"

"Click"

He placed the lighter at the bottom of her head.

"Arghhhh!" She toiled in pain as smoke arose from her hair.

Max took his bottle of water and quickly doused it over Debbie's head.

Max turned back to the Hitchhiker who was shaking up and down with a huge grin going from one side of his face to the other.

"What the f!ck did you do that for? you little prick wait till I get my hands on you"

Debbie was in shock.

"I didn't do it he did!" The Hitchhiker exclaimed as he held up a forearm and waved it about.

As Max was in shock now too the Hitchhiker drew a Stanley knife and thrust straight through one of his eyes, since the blade was short he stuck about half of the handle in it as well just for good measure.

Blood gushed out from the eye socket as his body contracted and his head then lopped over.

Debbie did not hesitate and opened the car door and rolled out. The Hitchhiker quickly got to the front and stopped the car. Before getting out he slowly slid the knife out of Max's eye socket,it squelched as he took it out.

As he got blood on his hands he licked it off, until finally the knife out.

"Oh yummy" He shouted with glee as he took the eye that was stuck to the blade and popped it into his mouth like a boiled sweet.

"Just what I needed" He said to himself with his mouth full.

There was only pure countryside for miles around the small winding, rocky road was the only hint of civilization. Fields with high grass surrounded the small road then hills with trees towered over those fields.

Debbie hid in the long grass taking her phone out but to her dismay there was no signal.

She started to crawl as quietly as she could through the long grass. Suddenly she could hear rustling, she stopped. It was getting closer and closer until she could see something coming through the foliage.

Readying herself she took a deep breath. As the rustling got nearer and nearer. To her surprise and relief it was just a rabbit.

But then something, someone overshadowed her. It was him covered in blood with his banjo raised. She took her chance and kicked him in the nuts then got up and began to run.

"Oh I see I got a spring chicken on ma hands here" He chuckled to himself as he sipped some more whiskey.

She could see the hill and began to run towards it.

"BAM"

All of a sudden the banjo had hit her straight in the face, Debbie fell to the ground, and her vision was blurred as she could see the stranger walk out from behind a tree.

"Got ya now chickadee" he chuckled to himself.

He raised his banjo back up and with a loud crack brought it back down embedding it into her skull.

"Come on walkies" he whistled as he dragged the corpse back to the car.

Disclaimer All characters belong to their rightful owners etc.Picture by artiom1q2w.Of course more will be on the way and as usual thanks for reading comments always appreciated.

Online
#2 Edited by Myrmidon_ (4796 posts) - - Show Bio

Again lovely, tight dialogue man!

#3 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio
Online
#4 Edited by BumpyBoo (7215 posts) - - Show Bio
#5 Posted by BumpyBoo (7215 posts) - - Show Bio

Ugh! Oh god this is so awful and awesome! Once again, you absolutely nailed it, I am so creeped out over here!! :)

#6 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo said:

Ugh! Oh god this is so awful and awesome! Once again, you absolutely nailed it, I am so creeped out over here!! :)

Thank you!

Online
#7 Posted by TommytheHitman (2455 posts) - - Show Bio

Awesome but... poor Debbie and Max. I'm so glad that Freddy Krueger hasn't really killed anyone yet. Even killing a gerbil was hard enough. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Great job!

#8 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio

Awesome but... poor Debbie and Max. I'm so glad that Freddy Krueger hasn't really killed anyone yet. Even killing a gerbil was hard enough. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Great job!

Thanks! I have to try and come up with unique ways of killing people so its pretty fun been able to just let loose all the gore and insanity of the characters.

Online
#9 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio
Online
#10 Posted by xlab3000 (2775 posts) - - Show Bio

keep up the good work

#11 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio
Online
#12 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1540 posts) - - Show Bio

@mrdecepticonleader: The punctuation is a little lacking, and why the one sentence one line? This whole bit would be a paragraph like so:

(There was only pure countryside for miles around the small winding,rocky road was the only hint of civilization. Fields with high grass surrounded the small road then hills with trees towered over those fields.Debbie hid in the long grass taking her phone out but to her dismay their was no signal. She started to crawl as quietly as she could through the long grass.Suddenly she could hear rustling,she stopped.It was getting closer and closer until she could see something coming through the foliage)

But you break it up into lines? I'm curious why?

Other than that, I like it!

#13 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson said:

@mrdecepticonleader: The punctuation is a little lacking, and why the one sentence one line? This whole bit would be a paragraph like so:

(There was only pure countryside for miles around the small winding,rocky road was the only hint of civilization. Fields with high grass surrounded the small road then hills with trees towered over those fields.Debbie hid in the long grass taking her phone out but to her dismay their was no signal. She started to crawl as quietly as she could through the long grass.Suddenly she could hear rustling,she stopped.It was getting closer and closer until she could see something coming through the foliage)

But you break it up into lines? I'm curious why?

Other than that, I like it!

Not sure that is just the way I initially typed it and it felt right really.I mainly did it to drag the scene out a bit to try and build up more tension was the idea no idea how well it worked but that was the idea. And I will stick with it.

Thanks

Online
#14 Posted by SC (11958 posts) - - Show Bio

A RABBIT??? AAAARRGGHH **runs off screaming**

Moderator
#15 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio

@sc said:

A RABBIT??? AAAARRGGHH **runs off screaming**

Ha ha ha ha.

Online
#16 Posted by wildvine (7149 posts) - - Show Bio

@mrdecepticonleader

Same issues I touched on last time. Spacing, etc. Otherwise it was a good read.

#17 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (16862 posts) - - Show Bio
Online
#18 Posted by lykopis (10756 posts) - - Show Bio

Okay, there is something going on here, lol. I KNOW I read this before and yet, no comment from me?

AnyHOO -- loved it, had my heart pumping in my chest and for some reason, I was gunning for Debbie to escape. Silly me...