#1 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

Rays from the sun beamed down onto the wide and open Texas fields. Beaming down like hot rays of lava onto the earth below.

It was only morning but that didn't matter to the weather it was always hot all day.

The sound of a motor could be heard piercing the Texas piece, like a knife cutting into the flesh of desolation.

It was the engine of a car.The entire thing glistened as the heat rays bounced off almost giving the impression the vehicle was shiny and brand new.

The immense Texas heat was only interrupted by the feeling of a breeze when the car sped up.

Debbie turned to Max for a minute.Blowing her bubble gum.

"Are you sure we are going the right way" she asked.

Max who at this moment in time was concentrating on trying to find a signal for his phone instead of driving.

He simply replied with a "Uh yea".

Debbie shuck her head and quickly snatched her boyfriends phone from his hand.

"Hey give that back! I almost had a signal then." He grunted this time more alert.

She waved the phone in her hand,then put her arm out of the window.

"Come and get it" she teased.

Keeping one hand on the wheel and using his other to reach across all his concentration was on the phone.

"Come on give it bac....."

"THUD"

Max was interrupted by a loud thud and a person suddenly rolled onto and off the windscreen.

"Oh god!,we actually hit someone" Debbie gasped.

Max unclipped his seat belt and got out of the car. He looked down at the person and ran his hand through his hair.

It was a man he was wearing scraggy jeans and an old jacket,he had a sleek black hair and looked to be in his early 30s or late 20s.

Debbie got out and knelt down near him.She checked if he was still breathing,he was.

"Come on lets get out of here,he is not dead" Max said in a worried tone.

Debbie glanced up at him

"Are you crazy or just callous? We cant just leave him hear he might be badly hurt. We gotta get him to a hospital just in case" She replied.

Max flung his arms up in the air and paced up and down.

"Do you see any damn hospitals around here? Or anything at all?"

The man began to move and groan.

"Uh w-what happened" He mumbled as he began to sit up.

Max looked at him then looked away.

"Um we hit you with our car,by accident,Its alright we will take you straight to the hospital" She asserted nervously.

The man shook his head and cracked his neck.

"Neh I will be just dandy,he stretch could ya pass me my rucksack" He asked pointing to a dusty old rucksack.

Max picked it up.And tossed it over to him. He opened one of the many compartments to it and took out a bottle of whisky.

He quickly unscrewed the lid and downed some.

"Ah much better,this stuff has some real healing power none of antibiotic crap just good ol Texas home remedy"

Quickly getting to his feet and grabbing his rucksack and his banjo.

"So where are you folks headed?" He questioned

Debbie and Max looked at each other.

"Just traveling state to state really" Max answered.

The stranger nodded.

"I wouldn't usually ask,but my leg feels real sore,could you give me a lift to my house"

The couple glanced over at each other again.

"Um well we don't usually pick up Hitchhikers" Max stated.

The stranger looked at them.

" I only live up a few miles up the road,and ya'll did just nearly run me over"

Max was about to speak.

"Okay sure" interrupted Debbie.

Debbie and Max got pack into the car this time though with another passenger.

Disclaimer All characters belong to their rightful owners etc.Picture by artiom1q2w.Of course more will be on the way and as usual thanks for reading comments always appreciated.

#2 Edited by BumpyBoo (8686 posts) - - Show Bio

@mrdecepticonleader:

Sweet, just woke up but will read later- adding to the library now mate :D

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#3 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio
#4 Edited by BumpyBoo (8686 posts) - - Show Bio

Uh oh! I suspect they will come to regret picking this guy up.... *waves arms madly* Noooo! Stranger danger, Debbie, what are you doing?? O_O

Exciting stuff :)

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#6 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo said:

Uh oh! I suspect they will come to regret picking this guy up.... *waves arms madly* Noooo! Stranger danger, Debbie, what are you doing?? O_O

Exciting stuff :)

Ha ha thanks.

#7 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Why oh why does Debbie have to be so nice???!!!! Just take off and pretend nothing happened -- gah!!!

Brutal with the suspense by the way. I was biting my thumb (odd of me, I know) the entire time reading...

#8 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis said:

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Why oh why does Debbie have to be so nice???!!!! Just take off and pretend nothing happened -- gah!!!

Brutal with the suspense by the way. I was biting my thumb (odd of me, I know) the entire time reading...

Ha ha nice to see you getting involved with the story :)

Thanks I was actually initially going to write more but I realized I had written quite a bit and decided to end this part on a bit of a cliff hanger.

#9 Edited by TommytheHitman (3099 posts) - - Show Bio

Oh god. Poor Debbie. NEVER pick up a hitch hiker in the middle of Texas. Wouldn't they have noticed how his breath smells?! Great job.

#10 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

Oh god. Poor Debbie. NEVER pick up a hitch hiker in the middle of Texas. Wouldn't they have noticed how his breath smells?! Great job.

They did just nearly run him down to be fair and he might actually be nice and it could all be fine :)

Breath smells of what? Alcohol?

Thanks

#11 Edited by 4donkeyjohnson (1649 posts) - - Show Bio

@mrdecepticonleader: "Um well we don't usually pick up Hitch Hikers" Max stated.

The stranger looked at them.

" I only live up a few miles up the road,and ya'll did just nearly run me over"

Hitchhiker, no need for the two words. Other than that, they are SO DEAD! Haven't they heard of stranger danger? :)

#12 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@mrdecepticonleader: "Um well we don't usually pick up Hitch Hikers" Max stated.

The stranger looked at them.

" I only live up a few miles up the road,and ya'll did just nearly run me over"

Hitchhiker, no need for the two words. Other than that, they are SO DEAD! Haven't they heard of stranger danger? :)

Oh yeah will correct that. Thanks :)

#13 Posted by Pyrogram (36633 posts) - - Show Bio

Damn this is good, It shows that a simplistic style ( relative to others in the forum ) can be so engaging, freaking well done man! This is impressive stuff! @bumpyboo you gota keeper!

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#14 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

Damn this is good, It shows that a simplistic style ( relative to others in the forum ) can be so engaging, freaking well done man! This is impressive stuff! @bumpyboo you gota keeper!

Wow thank you.

#15 Posted by BumpyBoo (8686 posts) - - Show Bio

@pyrogram said:

Damn this is good, It shows that a simplistic style ( relative to others in the forum ) can be so engaging, freaking well done man! This is impressive stuff! @bumpyboo you gota keeper!

Could not have put it better, mate :) I love our new guys, they are doing such an awesome job ^_^

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#16 Posted by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@bumpyboo said:

@pyrogram said:

Damn this is good, It shows that a simplistic style ( relative to others in the forum ) can be so engaging, freaking well done man! This is impressive stuff! @bumpyboo you gota keeper!

Could not have put it better, mate :) I love our new guys, they are doing such an awesome job ^_^

Thank you.

#17 Posted by wildvine (9112 posts) - - Show Bio

Rays from the sun beamed down onto the wide open Texas fields. Beaming down like hot rays of lava onto the earth below.

It was only morning but that didn't matter to the weather. It was hot all day this time of year.

The sound of a motor could be heard piercing the Texas peace, like a knife cutting into the flesh of desolation.

It was the engine of a car.The entire thing glistened as the heat rays bounced off, almost giving the impression the vehicle was shiny and brand new.

The immense Texas heat was only interrupted by the feeling of a breeze when the car sped up.

Debbie turned to Max for a minute. Popping her bubble gum bubble.

"Are you sure we are going the right way?" she asked.

Max was, at the moment, concentrating on trying to find a signal for his phone instead of driving.

"Uh...yea." He replied simply.

Debbie shook her head and quickly snatched her boyfriends phone from his hand.

"Hey! Give that back! I almost had a signal." He grunted, this time more alert.

She waved the phone in her hand, then stuck her arm out of the window.

"Come and get it." she teased.

Keeping one hand on the wheel and using his other to reach across all his concentration was on the phone.

"Come on give it back---"

"THUD"

Max was interrupted by a loud thud as something suddenly rolled onto and off the windscreen.

"Oh god! We hit someone." Debbie gasped.

Max unclipped his seat belt and got out of the car. He looked down at the man and ran his hand through his hair. He was wearing scraggy jeans and an old jacket. He had a sleek black hair and looked to be in his early thirties or late twenties.

Debbie got out and knelt down near him. She checked that he was still breathing. He was.

"Come on, let's get out of here, he's not dead." Max said in a worried tone.

Debbie glanced up at him

"Are you crazy or just callous? We can't just leave him hear he might be badly hurt. We gotta get him to a hospital just in case." She replied.

Max flung his arms up in the air and paced up and down.

"Do you see any damned hospitals around here? Or anything at all?"

The man began to move and groan.

"Uh w-what happened." He mumbled as he began to sit up.

Max looked at him, then looked away.

"Um, we hit you with our car by accident. Its alright, we'll take you straight to the hospital." She asserted nervously.

The man shook his head and cracked his neck.

"Neh I will be just dandy, hey stretch could ya pass me my rucksack?" He asked pointing to a dusty old rucksack.

Max picked it up. And tossed it over to him. He opened one of the many compartments to it and took out a bottle of whisky.

He quickly unscrewed the lid and downed some.

"Ah much better, this stuff has some real healing power none of antibiotic crap just good ol Texas home remedy."

Quickly getting to his feet and grabbing his rucksack and his banjo.

"So were are you folks headed?" He questioned.

Debbie and Max looked at each other.

"Just traveling state to state really." Max answered.

The stranger nodded.

"I wouldn't usually ask, but my leg feels real sore, could you give me a lift to my house?"

The couple glanced over at each other again.

"Um well we don't usually pick up Hitchhikers." Max stated.

The stranger looked at them.

" I only live up a few miles up the road,and ya'll did just nearly run me over."

Max was about to speak.

"Okay sure" interrupted Debbie.

Debbie and Max got pack into the car this time though with another passenger.

Disclaimer All characters belong to their rightful owners etc. Picture by artiom1q2w.Of course more will be on the way and as usual thanks for reading comments always appreciated.

Sorry for the late reply MrDL. Been swamped. Anyway, I noticed a lot of small hiccups in this. Nothing major, but all together they build up. A recurring hiccup is you forgot a lot of periods, and most of the question marks. In the spoiler you will see my corrections. Also a few suggestions to streamline the flow. Also, think about you dialogue. People annoyed, or frightened might not be so careful about their grammar.

Okay, good notes. You are doing better at spacing between sentences. I do love the feel of this story. Its like the start of a horror movie, and I already betting he dies horribly, and she's gonna run half naked through a field while Leatherface chases her. Presentation needs work, but the story itself is solid sir. Excellent read.

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#18 Edited by mrdecepticonleader (17887 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

@mrdecepticonleader said:

Rays from the sun beamed down onto the wide open Texas fields. Beaming down like hot rays of lava onto the earth below.

It was only morning but that didn't matter to the weather. It was hot all day this time of year.

The sound of a motor could be heard piercing the Texas peace, like a knife cutting into the flesh of desolation.

It was the engine of a car.The entire thing glistened as the heat rays bounced off, almost giving the impression the vehicle was shiny and brand new.

The immense Texas heat was only interrupted by the feeling of a breeze when the car sped up.

Debbie turned to Max for a minute. Popping her bubble gum bubble.

"Are you sure we are going the right way?" she asked.

Max was, at the moment, concentrating on trying to find a signal for his phone instead of driving.

"Uh...yea." He replied simply.

Debbie shook her head and quickly snatched her boyfriends phone from his hand.

"Hey! Give that back! I almost had a signal." He grunted, this time more alert.

She waved the phone in her hand, then stuck her arm out of the window.

"Come and get it." she teased.

Keeping one hand on the wheel and using his other to reach across all his concentration was on the phone.

"Come on give it back---"

"THUD"

Max was interrupted by a loud thud as something suddenly rolled onto and off the windscreen.

"Oh god! We hit someone." Debbie gasped.

Max unclipped his seat belt and got out of the car. He looked down at the man and ran his hand through his hair. He was wearing scraggy jeans and an old jacket. He had a sleek black hair and looked to be in his early thirties or late twenties.

Debbie got out and knelt down near him. She checked that he was still breathing. He was.

"Come on, let's get out of here, he's not dead." Max said in a worried tone.

Debbie glanced up at him

"Are you crazy or just callous? We can't just leave him hear he might be badly hurt. We gotta get him to a hospital just in case." She replied.

Max flung his arms up in the air and paced up and down.

"Do you see any damned hospitals around here? Or anything at all?"

The man began to move and groan.

"Uh w-what happened." He mumbled as he began to sit up.

Max looked at him, then looked away.

"Um, we hit you with our car by accident. Its alright, we'll take you straight to the hospital." She asserted nervously.

The man shook his head and cracked his neck.

"Neh I will be just dandy, hey stretch could ya pass me my rucksack?" He asked pointing to a dusty old rucksack.

Max picked it up. And tossed it over to him. He opened one of the many compartments to it and took out a bottle of whisky.

He quickly unscrewed the lid and downed some.

"Ah much better, this stuff has some real healing power none of antibiotic crap just good ol Texas home remedy."

Quickly getting to his feet and grabbing his rucksack and his banjo.

"So were are you folks headed?" He questioned.

Debbie and Max looked at each other.

"Just traveling state to state really." Max answered.

The stranger nodded.

"I wouldn't usually ask, but my leg feels real sore, could you give me a lift to my house?"

The couple glanced over at each other again.

"Um well we don't usually pick up Hitchhikers." Max stated.

The stranger looked at them.

" I only live up a few miles up the road,and ya'll did just nearly run me over."

Max was about to speak.

"Okay sure" interrupted Debbie.

Debbie and Max got pack into the car this time though with another passenger.

Disclaimer All characters belong to their rightful owners etc. Picture by artiom1q2w.Of course more will be on the way and as usual thanks for reading comments always appreciated.

Sorry for the late reply MrDL. Been swamped. Anyway, I noticed a lot of small hiccups in this. Nothing major, but all together they build up. A recurring hiccup is you forgot a lot of periods, and most of the question marks. In the spoiler you will see my corrections. Also a few suggestions to streamline the flow. Also, think about you dialogue. People annoyed, or frightened might not be so careful about their grammar.

Okay, good notes. You are doing better at spacing between sentences. I do love the feel of this story. Its like the start of a horror movie, and I already betting he dies horribly, and she's gonna run half naked through a field while Leatherface chases her. Presentation needs work, but the story itself is solid sir. Excellent read.

Well I am happy with the overall presentation.

Thanks,and I have already written the next part.

Upon going back and comparing both there where a few spelling errors I had but nothing else really major I know you made some adjustments as well but I honestly prefer what I wrote.But I have gone back and corrected thing.

Thanks again for going back and looking through.