#1 Edited by RazzaTazz (9449 posts) - - Show Bio

I meant to post this for the character creation contest, but never got around to it, but I thought I would post it now anyway. None of the characters are mine (except Renata):

Anna had never been up against anything like this before. She had had her share of run-ins with gangs and the police but there was something different about these people. They didn’t want to fight back, but they were actually hunting her. She had been trying to lose the tail for a few hours now, which wasn’t good, because she was going to be late for her day job and quite exhausted.

“Who are these people anyway?” she thought to herself, “and what are they doing in the barrio?” The barrio for sure saw its fair share of crime, but it was all by desperate people trying to affect the lives of other desperate people. She had started her personal crusade as an extension of her crusade during the day, to help clean up the neighbourhood, but maybe it had gone too far. Her vigilante actions were now responsible for her being hunted and likely to her death. She had messed up a few drug deals to be sure, and the dealers for sure might have felt that she owed them a price for her actions, and from what she knew of them she was pretty sure that they would be more than willing to take it from her through physical punishment. She had expected such a reaction, but not this one. These were professional assassins out to get her and they seemed to not stop until they had her.

She had one advantage left to her though – very few knew these streets and rooftops the way that she did. If she could evade them long enough to get back to her apartment and to change then she could disappear into her day persona and maybe lay low for a few days to let the heat cool off. She took a quick second to appraise her present location. 25th street and Queen. She could get down a fire escape here and into an ally where she knew an unlocked door to another alleyway and presumably to freedom. She did not waste time to think anymore, rather she spirited herself away down the stairs and into the shadows below. She had thought herself to be safe until she turned into the second alley. She had not seen him at first, and had sensed him more, but she knew that the man that was chasing her was there waiting for her.

“Is that a sword that he is holding?” she asked herself. She did not dwell on the thought though, and instead reacted instantly, driving her palm into his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him. She knew that this was not a fight that she could so she turned to run and to get away. Surprisingly for her, she was not followed, and after making sure she made her way back to her apartment.

“What do you say Scarlett?” the soldier asked hidden away in the non-descript van, “should we grab her?” Scarlett leaned into to look at one of the screens built into the side of the van.

“No we got her on thermal imaging,” Scarlett replied, “we will go to have a talk with her later.”

-

Not surprisingly the action from the previous night had left Anna a little distraught. She made a commitment to the people of the neighbourhood as a social worker to be here for them everyday, and she regretted that the latent fear and exhaustion denied herself to them, even if just a little.

“Anna,” a woman said, intercepting her in the corridor between clients, “there is a woman in your office that is requesting to see you. Says that it is important.”

“Domestic abuse?” Anna asked.

“I don’t think so,” the woman answered, “it doesn’t look like this woman loses a lot of battles.” Anna hurried off to her office, and once opening the door she saw a red haired woman sitting in a chair facing her desk. She could see what the other woman had meant, she could tell already that she was a very attractive woman, but not one that someone could push around.

“Hello,” Anna said, “my name is Anna Rubio, how can I help you?”

“I was actually hoping that you could help me,” Scarlett said, “my name is Scarlett and there is something I need to discuss with you.” The day was not getting any more normal for Anna, as this woman’s appearance was out of the ordinary. She sat down with caution into her own chair.

“Yes?” Anna said.

“First of all,” Scarlett said, “let’s get all pretenses out of the way. You are the vigilante known as Renata, are you not?” Anna looked at her and studied her face. She could see that this woman already knew and that there was no sense denying it.

“Are you here to arrest me?” Anna asked, “Or to kill me?”

“No to both,” Scarlett answered, “I am here to offer you a job, where you can make a difference.”

“I make a difference here,” Anna replied.

“A different kind of difference,” Scarlett replied, “I work for a military organization and we would like to recruit you.”

“I am not a soldier,” Anna replied.

“You are indeed not,” Scarlett replied, “but as we say the world of war used to be like two bears trying to claw each other to death, now it is more like a pit of vipers. The world of war has gone from battlefield to urban conflict. We need your skills on our team, someone that can navigate cities like you and who has the kind of morals that we are looking for. Plus, I have never seen anyone do that to Snake Eyes, even if he was holding back.”

“So I am just supposed to leave with you?” Anna asked.

“You are supposed to stay here and do what you do,” Scarlett replied, “but for now consider yourself part of the team and consider law enforcement to no longer be a concern of yours. We will call you when we need you.”

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#2 Edited by cbishop (6940 posts) - - Show Bio

“Is that a sword that he is holding?” she asked herself. She did not dwell on the thought though, and instead reacted instantly, driving her palm into his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him. She knew that this was not a fight that she could win so she turned to run and to get away. Surprisingly for her, she was not followed, and after making sure she made her way back to her apartment.

***

“Hello,” Anna said, “my name is Anna Rubio, how can I help you?”

“I was actually hoping that I could help you,” Scarlett said...

Just a couple of suggestions. Cool scene though - recruiting a vigilante is something that none of us did. Nice. :)

#3 Posted by batkevin74 (10360 posts) - - Show Bio

@razzatazz: I wish yours made the deadline, coz I really like it especially

“I am not a soldier,” Anna replied.

“You are indeed not,”

You're good, but you're not Joe material...yet! Good story

#4 Posted by RazzaTazz (9449 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Aww thanks, I meant to. I have been going through writing hell for the past two months. As you probably know about me, I only started to take fictional writing seriously last year, and one of the things which I wanted to do was to write a big fantasy epic. I have been pulling my hair out for the past two months trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, as I can't get any progress on a second draft. The problem as I only just realized a few minutes ago is that I am not having any trouble with writing, but rather that editing completely sucks. Unfortunately, not having noticed this until now I have been letting it drag down my other writing projects, of which this was one, so I apologize for it getting off the rails, but I think now that I realize that I am still ok at writing, that I should be more productive overall.

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#5 Posted by batkevin74 (10360 posts) - - Show Bio

@razzatazz: Good, bad or indifferent, the more you write, the more often you write, the better you get! I've been in every CCC because it's fun and its a challenge

You need help editing, just ask. Lots of people can and will help you out

#6 Posted by RazzaTazz (9449 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: It is not the technical aspect of editing, it is the part about making the story from good to great that has been occupying me. Unfortunately that is my beast to tackle alone.

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#7 Posted by batkevin74 (10360 posts) - - Show Bio

@razzatazz: ever need a sounding board, just ask. worst i say is no, not noe im busy. plese excuse my typing, i have my daughter in thr other hand

#8 Edited by RazzaTazz (9449 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: No worries, and thanks for the offer. I will probably take you up on it someday.

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#9 Posted by wildvine (8018 posts) - - Show Bio

@razzatazz

I really enjoyed this. The character was cool, the settings realistic. I had no trouble getting immersed in the story, short as it was. Excellent work. <3

#10 Posted by RazzaTazz (9449 posts) - - Show Bio
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#11 Posted by wildvine (8018 posts) - - Show Bio

This deserves a bump.