#1 Edited by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

Well, yesterday I completed NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH with a whopping 50,045 words in 21 days, and in celebration, I decided to stretch my legs, so to speak, and write this 550 word piece of flash fiction, and I thought, what the hell, I might as well share this with my friends on the Vine

I present to you Hush Little Baby

Hush little baby, don’t say a word…

Helen Collins gently stroked her son’s hair as he lay down in his bed, and fought to keep her hand steady.

Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.”

Her voice shook with fear, and she looked out the window to see a dark shadow running swiftly across her field of vision.

And if that mockingbird don’t sing…

Helen’s child stifled a yawn, and she continued to stroke the side of his head.

Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.”

Helen could not hold back tears now, and she saw a thin, light layer of frost coating the windows.

And if that diamond ring turned brass…”

Helen heard a firm thumping sound of something breaking through the locked door to her home, yet still she sang softly, trying to swallow her fear.

Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass.”

Helen choked on her words in a moment of fright.

And if that looking glass gets broke…”

The sound of heavy footsteps made Helen’s heart beat heavily in her chest. Her child was asleep at that moment, but still she sang, almost as if she needed comforting more than her child.

Mama’s gonna buy you a billy goat…”

Helen watched her son sleep peacefully, his ignorance to the world around her—his innocence heightened her fear.

And if that billy goat doesn’t pull…”

Helen caught a lump in her throat when she saw shadows from beneath a crack in the door.

Mama’s gonna buy you a cart and a bull.”

Helen’s voice wavered and quivered dramatically with newfound fear—her resolve was all but gone.

And if that cart and bull turn over…”

She heard hushed whispers, and her hand which stroked her son’s head shook uncontrollably.

Mama’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover.”

The handle to the door began to turn and open with a creek, but Helen continued singing softly to her child.

And if that dog named Rover don’t bark…”

Helen looked upon a man with sandy brown hair with harsh green eyes. He wore what looked to be an expensive suit, which he straightened upon entrance. Helen looked up with fear and trepidation.

Mama’s gonna buy you a horse and cart.”

The man looked down at Helen and her son, and smiled devilishly.

And if that horse and cart fall down…”

The man put a long, bony finger to his lips.

You’ll still be the sweetest little boy in town …”

The man smiled, and mouthed the words ‘go on.’

So hush little baby..."

Gradually Helen withdrew her hand from her boy’s head and buried her face in them.

"Don’t you cry…”

The man smiled, and withdrew a revolver and with the twitch of a finger it went off. The man left uttering the final words to the song.

Daddy loves you and so do I.”

#2 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

please read

#3 Posted by feebadger (1445 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: I love the concept and, for the most part, it is beautifully executed. I just have a problem with the pacing at the end. Just loses its flow. The rest is so measured and then it just drops into standard prose at the end and, i don't know, just throws the piece off. Brilliant besides that.

#4 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger said:

@primepower53: I love the concept and, for the most part, it is beautifully executed. I just have a problem with the pacing at the end. Just loses its flow. The rest is so measured and then it just drops into standard prose at the end and, i don't know, just throws the piece off. Brilliant besides that.

Thank you very much.

Honestly, I struggled with the ending. I must have changed it at least, eight times, and this was the closest I could come to keep the flow going, while still describing what was happening. I knew the pacing was off--and I. Just. Couldn't. Figure. Out. How. To. Fix. It.

Currently attempting to fix it, and hopefully I'll yield results eventually.

#5 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger: I've been editing the ending each time and I get closer to fixing it each time, so hopefully I'll be satisfied eventually.

#6 Posted by batkevin74 (11131 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger said:

@primepower53: I love the concept and, for the most part, it is beautifully executed. I just have a problem with the pacing at the end. Just loses its flow. The rest is so measured and then it just drops into standard prose at the end and, i don't know, just throws the piece off. Brilliant besides that.

I do concur with feebadger. I liked it, but the end is well, average. How to fix that? No idea. But it's good, nice of you to visit :)

#7 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74 said:

@feebadger said:

@primepower53: I love the concept and, for the most part, it is beautifully executed. I just have a problem with the pacing at the end. Just loses its flow. The rest is so measured and then it just drops into standard prose at the end and, i don't know, just throws the piece off. Brilliant besides that.

I do concur with feebadger. I liked it, but the end is well, average. How to fix that? No idea. But it's good, nice of you to visit :)

thanks for the feedback. :)

#8 Posted by thespideyguy (2643 posts) - - Show Bio

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

#9 Edited by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@thespideyguy said:

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

I wrote it yesterday evening, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.

Unless that was a joke, in which case, I'll take it as a compliment anyway

#10 Posted by thespideyguy (2643 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

I wrote it yesterday evening, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.

Unless that was a joke, in which case, I'll take it as a compliment anyway

It was a compliment. I have read it three times.

#11 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@thespideyguy said:

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

I wrote it yesterday evening, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.

Unless that was a joke, in which case, I'll take it as a compliment anyway

It was a compliment. I have read it three times.

:D

This is good!

#12 Posted by thespideyguy (2643 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

I wrote it yesterday evening, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.

Unless that was a joke, in which case, I'll take it as a compliment anyway

It was a compliment. I have read it three times.

:D

This is good!

You darn tootin' 8D

#13 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

@thespideyguy said:

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

@primepower53 said:

@thespideyguy said:

very good it was suspenseful and had a great pace. Did Stephen King write this?

I wrote it yesterday evening, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.

Unless that was a joke, in which case, I'll take it as a compliment anyway

It was a compliment. I have read it three times.

:D

This is good!

You darn tootin' 8D

:D