Feedback needed

Me and a freind writing a comic and he needed me to write a scene for him, the scene is loki crying about being banished, the versions in this are girl loki and thor, james is somebody else. Thor nearly died when loki done something. This is his monologue. Tell me if its ok

Loki: Father, truly, I am sorry. I acted in haste when Thor...my...Sister nearly took her life, recklessly irresponsibly, even... boastfully.

Loki: But why banish ME! This world – It pains me to see myself with these feeble creatures.

Loki: They have no shame; they talk to me as if I was... I was... one of them – A human (low tone , but scornful).

Loki: Why? Why do this? What does this bring to me, to us? Your children, future rulers of Asgard, WHY!

James in background staring at Loki, intrigued by what he is hearing.

Loki: Father, F- [crying softly, sound carries into the wind) ... “I hate you.”

James walks straight past her, never turning back. He has heard enough.

@Pyrogram said:

Me and a friend writing a comic and he needed me to write a scene for him, the scene is Loki crying about being banished, the versions in this are girl Loki and Thor, James is somebody else. Thor nearly died when Loki done something. This is his monologue. Tell me if it’s ok

Loki: Father, truly, I am sorry. I acted in haste when Thor...my...Sister nearly took her life, recklessly, irresponsibly, even... boastfully. But why banish ME! This world …it pains me to see myself with these feeble creatures. They have no shame; they talk to me as if I was... I was... one of them – A human! Why? Why do this? What does this bring to me, to us? Your children, future rulers of Asgard, WHY!

The stuff in bold underline are typos & grammatical errors that you'll need to correct. If it's a monologue then it can all be one slab of text, but I get why you broke it up the way you did. It's good. Now in the interests of reciprocity, you need to go do the same for something of mine. http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/virtutem-dei/710871/#1

@batkevin74 said:

@Pyrogram said:

Me and a friend writing a comic and he needed me to write a scene for him, the scene is Loki crying about being banished, the versions in this are girl Loki and Thor, James is somebody else. Thor nearly died when Loki done something. This is his monologue. Tell me if it’s ok

Loki: Father, truly, I am sorry. I acted in haste when Thor...my...Sister nearly took her life, recklessly, irresponsibly, even... boastfully. But why banish ME! This world …it pains me to see myself with these feeble creatures. They have no shame; they talk to me as if I was... I was... one of them – A human! Why? Why do this? What does this bring to me, to us? Your children, future rulers of Asgard, WHY!

The stuff in bold underline are typos & grammatical errors that you'll need to correct. If it's a monologue then it can all be one slab of text, but I get why you broke it up the way you did. It's good. Now in the interests of reciprocity, you need to go do the same for something of mine. http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/virtutem-dei/710871/#1

thanks, i was gona post on yours already lol. then My thing crashed lol. doing now. - and why are the names spelt wrong?

@Pyrogram said:

Loki: Father, truly, I am sorry. I acted in haste when Thor...my...Sister
nearly took her life, recklessly irresponsibly, even... boastfully.

Two little typos: sister should not be capitalized, and there should be a comma after recklessly.

But great job! This is well written.

thanks, i was gona post on yours already lol. then My thing crashed lol. doing now. - and why are the names spelt wrong?

@AnnaMarieDarkholme said:

@Pyrogram said:

Loki: Father, truly, I am sorry. I acted in haste when Thor...my...Sister
nearly took her life, recklessly irresponsibly, even... boastfully.

Two little typos: sister should not be capitalized, and there should be a comma after recklessly.

But great job! This is well written.

thanks man, :) anything you want me to feedback on?

@Project_Worm said:

@Pyrogram said:

thanks, i was gona post on yours already lol. then My thing crashed lol. doing now. - and why are the names spelt wrong?

I think he was referring to the fact that you didn't capitalize the names in the little description thingy-majig p.s. Good job, will we maybe be seeing more of this, Yes? Hopefully...

ow ok, thanks and yes you will, Me and my freind making a comic for fun , so I do the writing and and he is helping with the plot aswell etc... while being the art man, I dont do art. So it will take a lil longer than a normal fan fic. follow me or something so you can see once its done. thanks again.

Cool

@tomdickharry1984 said:

Cool

thanks