Fan-Fic Versus Tournament: Batkevin74 vs Betatesthighlander1

I think I will change my follower.

Though he is an excellent advocate for me; the way he bellows my name makes my skin crawl!

At least five times a day that homicidal, sword wielding, muscle bound, would-be-conqueror yells my name at the top of his lungs and several times just as a muttered prayer when things don’t go his way. I live in a giant cave, and that heavily accented voice reverberates like thunder THROUGH MY HOUSE!

I don’t go shouting his name whilst he’s asleep! Inconsiderate lummox! This is part of the reason I don’t answer prayers, I just want to be left alone. But still this maniac yells my name from Hyboria to Zamboula; from the Western Sea to the Desert Steppes. He roams about yelling my name like a retarded child who has just learnt a curse word.

I gave the boy a riddle, the riddle of steel, hopefully to shut him up for a while but that only enflamed his passion for yelling my name. I am an ancient god who needs his sleep. How am I supposed to cast silent disapproving judgement upon people when I am sleep deprived?

At least I am not plagued with Set’s followers with that constant hissing.

Seven hells! I am in a good mind to make my prescience known by coming down from my mountain and smiting him, pulling out his tongue and choking him with it. But he does send many to their deaths in my name.

I wish…for just one day, without bugging me, without his yelling my name.

Gods I’m tire…

The sun was setting over Gotham. It was shaping up to be a pretty lousy night. There was a shipment of something new coming, and it was already eight hours late. Labrazio was just getting out of the little bedroom he had set up, nothing fancy, just a mattress and some blankets, but he could get anhour of sleep here or there when he was stuck waiting (usually though, the shipment would arrive just when he started drifting off). Labrazio usually considered himself a pretty patient boss, his gang on the other hand, could get a bit testy. That being said, they still seemed pretty relaxed.

“-Keep in mind Frankie, this girl was no rocket scientist” said JT, “she didn’t suspect nothing”. “yeah right” said Franky, the shortest of the man looking up at the tallest, lankiest member of the gang

“Last week you told me you got it on with Power Girl”

“I did” said JT “but I can’t reveal her true identity”

“hey” said Labrazio “you two okay?”

“yeah” said little Franky “pedo-stache is just trying to convince me he’s ever gotten a full grown woman.”

Labrazio looked down, “what was that about facial hair?”

Franky smirked “oh yeah, like yours looks good, either grow a beard or don’t”

“other crime bosses in this city would kill you for saying that” Labrazio so kindly pointed out, lightly tapping his ever-so-trim mustache

The three of them shared a laugh

In the corner of the warehouse, the twins were playing poker while Arnold’s brother watched. For his own life, Labrazio could not remember the guy’s name. Arnie’s brother was just watching “hey twins” called Labrazio “why not let the kid in on your little game?”

“no thanks” said the young man “never been very good at poker, always more of a blackjack man myself”

Labrazio almost started a conversation on cardgames, but still had one guy to check on. “where’s your brother” he ask

“Haven’t seen him sonce you went to bed” said Arnie’s brother

L:abrazio still needed to make sure the last guy was still there. Arnie was in his usual spot, listening to the phonograph record player, some recording of some old boxing match was on. Arnie was just kind of siting against a wall “hey, Arnie, I was thinking that this hole thing seems pretty suspicious” said Labrazio

“ya thinkin’ they got some kinda ambush planned?” said the giant man, two inches shorter than JT, but the broadest of any member of this little gang

“maybe” said Labrazzio “maybe we could all bear some arms, stand ready by the door”

“won’t that make ‘em mad if they was really planning on exchanging and not killing us, they’d get pretty steamed”

Labrazio repeated a little maxim of his “better to err on the side of caution”

The gang all gathered together under their leader’s call, gathering their weapons. Frannky held a Thomson submachine gun, the sturdy weapon feeling right in his callous hands. The twins were using MP40’s, one for each of the identical guys, who were standing on opposite flanks of the gang. Next to them was Arnie, nonchalantly shouldering his Browning Automatic Rifle. JT was holding a pistol in each hand, while Arnie’s brother held a rifle of some sort like he didn’t really know what a weapon was; and Labrazio was standing firm with his .45, feeling confiudent as ever. They were just about to sit down and start relaxingl, when the skylight burst open.

No one was entirely sure what was going on, but they saw the skylight open, and they saw a black figure descend. Immediately all of them opened fire on the black figure. He he had done this plenty of times before, but the bullets colliding with his armor knocked him off balance. The floor was about forty feet down, and his landing was not very gentle.

Batman woke up damnig himself. He’d done this plenty of times before and had never done anything so klutzy or idiotic. But there was no time for self-deprecation now; he needed to find his bearings. His vision was still coming into defocus, but he could feel. Something was smeared on his face. His arms and legs were both chained to something, and he was in a cold chair, strange that he could feel them. Then he realized it, it was hard to look his problem in the face, he’d never been in this situation before. His costume was off

“Guy’s wakin’ up” said franky “JT, take some a’ those precautions you were talking about”

“I’m getting’ there”

Batman needed a plan, he could see four men in front of him, he didn’t have time to do that, he needed to figure out how to escape his bonds. He looked down, there were good chains and redundant handcuffs, pulled tightly enough that they were cutting into his risks. His utility belt was off. So was his mask. “No” he though, he needed to figure out how to leave and how to get these guys away from him before he could start worrying, he knew he could think of something.

“I got some friends in Bialya” said an unreasonably gruff voice” we could kill him right here, go lay low with those guys for a little while”

The lanky man with the mustache was holding a sledgehammer. He smiled. A huge swing from over his right shoulder came down and collided with the back of Batman’s left palm. Batman expected the arm of the chair to break, but it was made of a good material, and only his hand broke. JT proceeded to take the same precautions with Batman’s right hand.

“Try picking your way out of that now!” said JT

“you only broke the palms” said Franky “locks are usually picked with fingers”

“He needs his palms to use the fingers” said JT, putting the hammer “without the palms it’s like, his fingers can’t get any…leverage..uhmm” JT was scratching his chin “They can’t get the foundation right without the palm bones”

“how can you know that if you don’t even know what to call it!” yelled Franky

“Fine” conceded the lanky man in the spiffy suit, who proceed to pick the hammer back up and smash the fingers of the bound man with the front of the hammer

“what about his thumbs?” asked franky

“what the hell do you expect this guy to do with just his- whatever, fine” and he broke the guys thumbs to”

Labrazio walked up “we were gonna do that when you were still asleep, but we figured you deserved some pain” said the boss “well, mainly the big guy, seein’ as ya caused the death of his dearest sibling”

“Don’t sweet-talk the brother killer” Arnie phonated, managing just barely to not scream “we need to just take the guy out, seven or eight hours before hand, but take him out”

Batman spoke “I don’t kill”

“yeah” said Labrazio “tell that to the three corpses out there who croaked trying ot get that suit off of ya”

In the corner three men were laid out, two of whom were almost identical, wearing the same suits, the third was shorter, thinner, and younger than the other two

Batman didn’;t think that his defenses would evr kill anyone, most of the primary suit defenses were made to just disable people. But there were more, designed to fend off Bane, Solomon Grundy, Despero, stuff that would just knock out people like them, but against a regular humnan…

“now, Mr. B, we’ve figured out a few things about you” said Labraizzo, pulling up a chair and sitting in it backwards “that mug of your belongs to Matches Malone, Frankie recognized you even without the mustache after that twin died getting your mask off”

“I played poker with you, ya cheater”

Matches was saying nothing

“Guy’s a sociopath, he’s never gonna respond” said Labrazzio “anyways, that’s why we painted a little mustache with shoe polish on your face, to make up for that mustache you took off, to see if you really looked just like the guy or we were just seeing things” he got out of the chair and walked behind Malone, putting his hands on the man’s neck “but then, I suspected something even more disturbing, I remembered A newspaper I was reading the other day, there was a picture of some heir, well, an inheritor now, real lazy guy. Never did nothin’ to earn his money, lives off his late parents’ fortune ” he said, getting into a whisper, but still keeping his head far enough from Malone that he couldn’t hit Labrazio’s face with the back of his head (this wasn’t his first rodio) “ever hear of a guy named Bruce Wayne”

Everyone in the room started laughing, even as Batman was totally stoic.

Labrazzio went back to his chair, turned it around, and leaned back in it “Now, what’s your deal here?”

Batman didn’t speak, and for a solid minute the only sound was Arnie grumbling

“well” said JT “ as I recall, Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed by Joe Chill, way I heard it his parents had some debts to the guy’s boss; gambling, drugs, corporate duress. Now, I don’t see how a coupla billionaires would not be able to pay for what they bought. Now, keep in mind guys, what I’m about to tell you is from some people who might have known some people, but I heard the cops were watching the Wayne family real close when the guy demanded his money, so they decided they’d never dealt with the guys in the first place. Anyways, far as I can figure, this guy’s a lone crazy, using his family’s massive fortune to get some kinda twisted revenge on guys he thinks are like the guys who killed his family”

“My parents were folks by a couple sophisticates” said Arnie “guess that means I got two counts of revenge on the Bat”

“We’ve been over this Arnie, we’re not killing him until we’ve talked this out”

“Hey guys” said Franky, urgent to talk “now that pedo-stash has given his stupid theories, let me tell you guys what’s really going on. This guy’s part of some secret club, when rich people get board, they prey on us little folk, figure if they go after criminals than no one would ever think twice about it. No, no, no, these guys have to keep their bloodsport clean, or else the cops will be on them, in a big enough way that they couldn’t just pay them off. Hell, this guy ain’t even the only Batman, the whole damned club gets to be Batman, Bruce Waynes takes Monay nights, Tuesday gets Ted Kord, Wednesday is Oliver Queen, every Thursday Lex Luthor puts on this stupid costume-“

“hey” said JT “Lex Luthor is a legitimate businessman and politician”

Arnie smirked at the idea of a legitimate businessman or politician

“And what about all those crazy schemes he executed?” asked Franky

“That was the Luthor of Earth-2, observe any current events every once in a while” replied JT

“guys, shut up” said Labrazio “I heard some noise outside, Arnie, guard Bruce, you other two come with me”

The three walked out while the largest one took his eyes on Batman

“his death was a mistake”

Arnie walked a bit closer, and batman had already built up every possible variation of this dialogue, and was ready for the blow that would most likely take place

Arnie hit him on the head with a pair of pliers, breaking the skin and knocking his head to the left, he made it look good, make Arnie fell like he’d cause some major damage

Then Arnie punched him in the mouth, then held it open with his hand, then put the pliers in, and pulled on Bruce’s tongue until it was entirely taut. “your just a brother killer, why should I listen to you?”

Outside, the JT and Franky had their guns drawn, but there weren’t any people near the building

“probbly just machinery boss” said JT “we should go back in”

“there was never nay noise” said Labrazzio “ I just need to get some consensus on what to do with the bat in there”

“Behind Arnie’s back?!” screamed an indignant Franky

“Arnie already had his vote, kill the Batman. That’s why I left him in as a guard, guys devoted enough that he’s not going to change nay views from this conversation, and he’s certainly not getting any clever ideas about siding with batman against us. Now, us guys should also get some ideas of what to do with the Bruce, wand what the consequences would be”

“well” said JT “couldn’t we just ransom him back to the Wayne family, get ‘em to give our little front for a billion dollars, the four of us can retire on some island somewhere”

“well, the Wayne family might not respond very good to our threats” said Labrazzio “guy’s clearly got close connections with Robin and that Bat-chick, not to mention his connections with the Justice League”

“wait, what about Superman?” asked Franky “I hear the guy can hear clear across state lines, what if he know’s what we’re doing, what if he comes for us?

“Franky” said JT “if the guy was really as omniscient as you say, you think any guys like us could exist on Earth?”

Labrazio needed to break this up “Good point both of you. I doubt anyone’s coming now, but time is of the essence, before someone comes for Batman, not just the Justice League, but any of Batman’s enemies could want a piece of him”

“Yeah” said JT “ and not just the Earth-bound ones, I mean, how long before Maxima comes down from the Warworld and Boom Tubes all of us right into the central Gold Volcano”

“Well” said Franky “couldn’t we just offer batman to some of them?”

“Well, ya gotta remember that most of Batman’s old enemies aren’t serious businessmen like us, their just a bunch of psychopaths, likely as not they’ll offer us a couple of million dollars, than kill us and take the Bat”

“My point exactly” said JT “his family would offer us a lot more anyways”

“Even ignoring his friends” said Franky “wouldn’t Batman just come for us immediately afterwards?”

JT thought for a bit “couldn’t we just cripple him first?”

“We can’t be sure that would work” replied Labrazio “guys crippled him a while back, he just came back in a robosuit”

“well” said JT “how do we know that was even the same guy, like what franky said, maybe it was someone else who wore the suit before the Bat was broken”

“yeah” said Franky, his sarcasm palpable “maybe it was the Bruce Wayne of Earth 2: Electric Bugallo”

Labrazzio looked at him, and franky got real quiet

“fact of the matter is, someone is going to come for us if we sell Batman” said Labrazio “we need to mediate that”

“well” said Franky “none of those guys ever kill anyone, like, not even the guys whpo threaten to wreck the Earth every other month, what’s the worse they could do?”

“Never kill anyone?” questioned JT “what about the giant grey guy in Metropolis?”

“That guy wasn’t even capable of thought, that’s like killing a rabid dog” said Franky

“Yeah” said JT “but we’d still go to jail

“Well, think about it, if we went to jail, and all the other inmates knew that we were the guys who took down the bat, we could live like kings”

“Guys” said Labrazzio “we’re not turning ourselves in for any gamble like that, I got other ideas”

They both looked at their boss

“We torture him real bad, bad enough that any revenge is considered taken, make him fear us, seriously fear our power. Once we’re absolutely sure he’s got the fear of God in him, we have him take us to his house, give us some of his stuff, and we leave. Now, by then he should abused enough that he’ll think we’re friends, won’t tell any of his super friends that we’re just some guys he pissed off and gave him what he had coming, won’t tell anyone what really happened. Then we’ll take whatever money he gave us, and just go live like kings for a little bit”

“Seems pretty ballsy” said JT “I like it”

The three went back in to tell Arnie what was going on

When they got there, Bruce was still on the chair, his neck limp (guy was still pretty clearly breathing) blood dripping out of his mouth and covering his chest. Behind Him Arnie was standing tall, a cut on his head and a jar in his hands

What’s in the jar?” asked Labrazzio

“Batman’s teeth, I was thinkin’ a makin’ a necklace out of them”

“And the cut?”

“Guy tried to convince me to fight you guys, ‘course I didn’t listen, anyways, I accidently got to close and he caught my head with his”

“Oh, guys still fighting, JT, take some more precaution” Jt picked up the sledgehammer agin

“What was the noise?” inquired Arnie

“It was nothing. said Labrazzio “Nowwe came up with a little plan, just let me explain the whole thing and I’m sure you’ll love it” the last word was punctuated by the sound of Bruce’s knee getting smashed

The next four hours were pretty much just JT, Franky, and Labrazzio trying to convince Arnie to go with their plan, nothing way to interesting, no serious trouble from Bruce

They hadn’t exactly convinced hi at the nd of those four hours, but they managed to agree that they were going to torture Bruce” they’d just gotten one handcuff and chain off when the wall exploded.

“Sorry boys” said an all-too-familiar voice in Gotham’s underground; there he was, wearing his Purple suit and smile that was at once idiotic and deviously knowing. “Your shipment was interrupted en route”

“Wait, is that Batsy’s suit on the ground, Batsy, where are you?”

Bruce Wayne knew that what he was about to do was wrong, but he did it anyways “I’m here Joker” he said, managing to cover his face with his broken hand, knowing he sounded stupid talking with so many teeth missing “They tried to take me from you”

The Joker was stunned; rage began to creep across his face. Then a red circle appeared over his head, then the back of his skull exploded out, leaving purple hair and pieces of brain scattered across the floor.

"I am here to do business” said Labrazio “anyone else who’s not interested in business can kindly leave.” JT came with a shotgun, and Arnie with his B.A.R., and they pretty easily mowed down the three henchmen that the Joker had with him.

Franly was looking for his Tommy gun, when he saw Bruce getting up, maybe he was thinking of all of the stories that he’d heard about Batman’s amazing escapes, or maybe he was just freaking out from all of the gunfire. But he pointed at the hobbling mass of human, and he squeezed his trigger until nothing was coming out of the barrel.

“What the hell was that? Said Labrazzio, coming to Batman’s body

“I don’t know, he spooked me” said Franky

Labrazzio began to speak, then changed his mind “whaever, before we make any new plans, we should make sure he’s dead”

“I don’t know” uttered JT, that’s at least a dozen holes that I’ve counted in his torso, not sure if he could survive those”

Arnie picked up Bruce by the hair, and pulled him up to shoulder level “that look like a live man’s face?”

Labrazzio took a step back and put rubbed his chin in cogitation, looking downwards

Franky took his hat in his hand “look, boss-“

“No, it’s fine, better to err on the side of caution” said Labrazzio “but we don’t have much time, I think someone heard the explosion, JT, get the suit, there should be about three million dollars worth of equipment in there, Franky, go get everything all of our savings, Arnie, call your friends in Byalia.”

And those people did those things.

They were driving away from the scene “you know guys” said franky “I killed Batman tonight”

“Yeah, ya did, and boss here killed the Joker” said JT

Arnie started laughing “yeah, maybe I’ll kill Superman next year”

“Yeah” said Franky “and maybe JT could actually get lucky with Power Girl”