#1 Edited by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

Chapter 1- Meet James Cavanaugh

Somewhere in Afghanistan

James’ Point of View:

I’ve been in this room for hours and each minute was making me lose even more hope than the last. The light was bright one moment and dim in the next. My chair was wobbling and on a clean steel table sat a glass of water that I haven’t touched. All I could do was stare at the two-way mirror across the side of the room. Behind that glass were several men who were about to determine my fate.

I saw through their tricks; they adjusted the lighting to loosen my focus, messed with my chair to keep me uncomfortable, and they hope that I drink the water so I'd have to beg them to use the bathroom. The cops from Gotham and New York used the same tactics on my uncle; it didn’t work on him and it certainly won’t work on me.

They were hoping my story would change but it didn’t, I stood my ground and replied with the truth; I can only hope that saves me. I could tell that they didn’t believe me and I understand why. To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed myself if I wasn’t there to see it happen. I still picture their faces in my mind: Wu, Hayden, Walt, Redding, Schaefer, and of course, Sergeant Taylor. They were the closest thing I had to an actual family and now they were dead. These men have already made up their minds, the only question that remained was: Where do they send me now?

Suddenly someone new entered the room; he was tall African American male with a stern face. He appeared to be about 45 years old with slight greying in his hair and his stubble. His most noticeable features were the scars on his neck and hands. It looked like someone once tried to garrote him, and judging by his physique I doubt that person was still able to talk about it. His eyes had an exhausted look and his disposition read that he was in no mood to waste any time.

“Lance Corporal James Cavanaugh?” He asked.

“Yes Sir!” I replied.

“Due to the recent circumstances, The United States Government feels that your services would be better utilized in the Department of Extranormal Operations.”

“Wait--that doesn’t make any sense” I said, “I still have two months left on my tour, and I don’t remember signing anything with the DEO!”

“Well that’s why I brought these documents,” he said, pointing at the folder being held in his right hand. “All you have to do is sign the papers to start your transfer.” He explained.

“But I don’t want to leave the Corps!” I protested.

He sighed, placing his fingers on the bridge of his nose. “Look kid, the Marine Corps doesn’t care if you want to leave, it wants you to leave. So please just sign these papers so we can both get on with our lives.”

I finally understood what was happening to me. Staff Sergeant Winters didn’t believe my story but he also knew he didn’t have enough evidence to dishonorably discharge me. All he did know was that I was a metahuman and I’ve had a flawless record up until last night. Rather than trying to put me in a cell he threw me into an agency that was looking for expendable metas.

“What happens if I don’t sign?” I asked.

“You face a tribunal, you’ll probably evade conviction, but your reputation will be ruined and no marine will ever trust you again.” He said sincerely.

I sighed, briefly weighing my options “Gotta pen?”

“Of course," he replied.

After I signed the forms I handed them back to this man.

“Welcome to the DEO! I’ll be your handler.” He exclaimed joyfully.

Before we exited the hallway I asked “So what do I call you?”

“Charlie Brown...or Agent Brown if you prefer”, he said.

“Seriously?” I sighed, struggling not to facepalm. It was looking to be a long flight home.

Interested in viewing more? Check out the Lucifer Grimm Library. More Earth 4774 titles and other interesting stories can be found in The New Multiverse Library.

#2 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1684 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: This is very good

#3 Posted by The Poet (8337 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: very cool

the one thing I would fix is the tense. I am unsure if you are using present or past (you use "is" but then you turn around next sentence and say "was"). But other than that pretty good.

See? I kept my promise. I said I would read the stuff submitted in the Feedback joint and I working on that....

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#4 Posted by wildvine (9889 posts) - - Show Bio

Pretty good opener.

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#5 Posted by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Thanks!

#6 Posted by Warpimp (57 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774:Very well written.Don't be afraid to exposit more for those of us unfamiliar with the character.

#7 Posted by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

@warpimp: These are both OC's that I created so they should remain unfamiliar for the most part, but I get what you are saying. The other chapters are longer and hint more at James' past.

#8 Posted by Project_Worm (3429 posts) - - Show Bio

Interesting start, good job

#9 Posted by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio
#10 Posted by Project_Worm (3429 posts) - - Show Bio
#11 Posted by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

Bump

#12 Posted by batkevin74 (10865 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: Nice! Found this bit of history hiding way back beyond page 10...I know, who goes back beyond there!

“Charlie Brown, or Agent Brown if you prefer”, he said.

“Seriously?” I sighed, struggling not to facepalm.

:)

#13 Edited by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Talk about nostalgia, this is the first story I ever wrote.

My blog should have two libraries one, for all of Earth 4774 and one for Lucifer Grimm. I've had half of chapter six done for the last four months, I've just never gotten around to publishing it.

#14 Edited by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

bump

#15 Posted by cbishop (8321 posts) - - Show Bio
#16 Edited by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: Any thoughts on the series so far?

#17 Edited by cbishop (8321 posts) - - Show Bio
#18 Edited by Joygirl (20039 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: Not bad, here. It does have a few issues with sentence flow that you could work on, but they can mostly be ignored (I'd be willing to expound if you want though). The narrative is suitably cheeky to get a general feel for the character, and the story seems strong despite just starting. Good work. ^_^

#19 Edited by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio
@joygirl said:

@dngn4774: Not bad, here. It does have a few issues with sentence flow that you could work on, but they can mostly be ignored (I'd be willing to expound if you want though). The narrative is suitably cheeky to get a general feel for the character, and the story seems strong despite just starting. Good work. ^_^

By all means, please do. This was the first issue I ever wrote so any criticism is appreciated.

#20 Posted by Joygirl (20039 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: For example:

I saw through their tricks, they adjusted the lighting to loosen my focus, they messed with my chair to keep me uncomfortable, and they hope that I drink the water so I'd have to beg them to use the bathroom.

That first comma really needs to be ANYTHING OTHER THAN A COMMA. Dash, colon, period, whatever. Anything works except that.

“Of course”, he replied.

That comma belongs on the inside.

“Well that’s why I brought these documents” he said, pointing at the folder being held in his right hand.

This needs some kind of punctuation after "documents".

I could still picture their faces in my mind Wu, Hayden, Walt, Redding, Schaefer, and of course, Sergeant Taylor.

You need something after "mind'. A colon or something.

Just little punctual errors like that, that kinda distract me.

#21 Posted by Delphic (1483 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: This was a decent opening, but I can definitely tell that it is one of your earlier writing's just from the length and content. My initial impression of this chapter was sort of "meh", but that was because I had no idea who the characters were. I know more who they are now, but when introducing characters, you want to make sure you give the reader a reason to care about them enough to want them to keep coming back. In this chapter, all you witnessed was an event, and little else. The only thing I really got was that James doesn't want to quit the marines, but I don't really know why, and I honestly didn't really care why. I'm not saying that to sound insulting, but at this introductory point it's pretty critical that you give readers a reason to keep reading, and for me personally it didn't do that for me.

Still I forced myself to keep on reading, and I can go ahead and say that this series has been your own personal experiment. You started out from this, and you have grown from it, so that is a good thing. A tip I have for you, from this chapter is that if you have to write a few extra paragraphs to get a better feeling for the characters then do that. Never cut corners.

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#22 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5185 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: Isn't Charlie Brown

a)

A friend of Snoopy

b)

A Batman Villain (Kite-Man)

Either way it looks interesting :-)

#23 Posted by dngn4774 (3179 posts) - - Show Bio

@impurestcheese: A bit of intentional comedy on the name. I wanted it to make obvious that the mysterious government agent was using a pseudonym to hide his real identity.

#24 Edited by ImpurestCheese (5185 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774: I kind of wish he was the later. A freaky looking manta ray thing.