#1 Posted by VyseCarma (259 posts) - - Show Bio

Please, this is a story I've been working on since I was in the third grade, so leave a constructive critisim comment, merci. Originally I want to draw it and write it but it has come to my attention that poses suck. Oh and a special thanks to Rav for the insperation to post it after they posted their own untittled work.

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 1:Shot at a pile of ruble that looks like it might have once been a building before a major fire or explosion at night.

Silver thought box 1 (Top left corner): I wish I could tell her...

Silver thought box 2 (far right center): Who I am, why I'm in this suit...

Silver thought box 3 (Center bottom): But if I say anything I put her in danger.

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 2: Zoom in on rubble to see two figures. One a male figure, Disc, of about 14, thin, not too toned, in an all black costume aside from a metal mouth piece, white pupilless, irisless eyes, and a large silver disc on his chest about the size of his hand. The other a girl of about the same age, dark skinned with long flowing black hair large brown eyes and a nice smile in a white tank-top and blue jeans.

Silver thought box (Top left corner): Damnit, Dad, this isn't how you where supposed to leave things.

Girl: So, um, thanks for saving my life and all, but I really think I need to be going home now.

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 3: Increase zoom on Disc.

Disc: Wait I, uh...

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 4: Switch focus to girl getting up from where she sat.

Girl: I mean, I understand you hero types are always saving the girl and getting a kiss, but I have a boyfriend.

Disc (O.P.): You do?

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 5: Side view, Disc is standing in front of the girl, she seems a little flustered.

Girl: Yes! (smaller print) He just might not know it yet.

Issue 1: Page 1: Panel 6: Same as previous panel, girl looks less flustered now.

Disc: What's he like?

Issue 1: Page 2&3: Panel 1: Splash panel behind girl of Jeremy ( a pale boy with brown hair and blue eyes, glasses, and always an button up over a tee) hugging her, them talking at lunch at school, her staring at him dreamily in a class, and off a little in the bottom right corner on page 3 a marrage yet to come, smaller than the rest.

Girl: He's kind and sweet, a little nerdy, but thats ok. He's so cute.

Silver thought box: I think she's talking about me.

Issue 1: Page 4: Panel 1: White panel on a white page.

Silver thought box: Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Jeremy Adoms. You might have heard of my father...

Issue 1: Page 4: Panel 2: Picture of a man in a lab coat and an eye patch standing proudly.

Silver thought box: Maxwell Adoms, owner and head scientist of Adom's labs, the major producers of anything technological and pharmaceutical.

Issue 1: Page 4: Panel 3: Picture of a building exploding.

Silver thought box: Well he did a few weeks ago in an explosion in his labs. I'm still ahead of myself. Lets go back two weeks ago...

Issue 1: Page 4: Panel 4: All white panel with the words Hypercell Inc. Proudly Presents Disc.

Issue 1: Page 4: Panel 5: Jeremy rushing down the stairs.

Jeremy: (Shouting) Jericho! Get your lazy butt up, Dad's not home and I need a ride to school!

Issue 1: Page 5: Panel 1: Jericho comes out of his room shirtless. Toned older brother of about 18-years of age with black hair and blue eyes. Tattoo on his left shoulder of a skull.

Jericho: Cool it squirt, you maybe just starting you high-school carrer but today marks the start of the end of mine.

Silver thought box (bottom right): Don't get used to how he looks, he changes drastically for plays and such. He's an "art" student.

Issue 1: Page 5: Panel 2: Jericho rubbs Jeremy's head as he walks by, Jeremy doesn't look to happy as his glasses are falling off.

Issue 1: Page 5: Panel 3: Shot of Jeremy ploping down on the couch while Jericho, seen through door frame, rummages through the fridge.

Jericho: Did Dad pick up milk like I asked last night?

Issue 1: Page 5: Panel 4: Shot of Jericho from in the fridge, sniffing a carton and making a face.

Issue 1: Page 5: Panel 5: Shot of Jericho in fridge, a little confused.

Jericho: Jeremy?

Issue 1: Page 6: Panel 1: Back to the shot of Jeremy on the couch with Jericho in the door way. Jeremy looks stunned.

Issue 1: Page 6: Panel 2: Jericho wonder's over to the couch, spoiled milk in hand.

Issue 1: Page 6: Panel 3: Splash panel of milk dropping.

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 1: Jeremy and Jericho rushing through hospital doors, Jericho has a button up black shirt on that is unbuttoned, nothing beneath.

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 2: Jeremy continues ahead while Jericho grabs a nurse by her shoulders.

Jericho: Is our father here?! Did he make it?

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 2: Shot from behind two police officers Jericho is ahead of them.

Officer 1 (left): You got this?

Officer 2 (Right): If you don't.

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 3: Shot of the two cops from the front now.

Officer 2: Jericho Adoms?

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 4: Jericho looks over, still has ahold of the nurse.

Jericho: Thats me.

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 5: Officer 2 points his finger at Jericho.

Officer 2: Why don't you let the pretty lady go and we'll go talk.

Issue 1: Page 7: Panel 6: Jeremy approaches the officers. The officer holds up his hand to Jeremy's face.

Officer 1 (O.P.): Why don't you wait out here, son.

Issue 1: Page 8: Panel 1: Jeremy's face (depressed) as he walks the halls of his school. Kids whispering in the background.

Girl 1: They say his father did it...

Girl 2: That explosion?

Issue 1: Page 8: Panel 2: Camera moves lower to Jeremy's shoulder's

Boy 1: (O.P.) ...killed thirty or fourty like some kinda terrorist or something.

Boy 2: (O.P.) No way! Really?

Issue 1: Page 8: Panel 3: Camera moves to Jeremy's chest.

Voice: (O.P.) Jeremy!

Issue 1: Page 8: Panel 4: Girl from opening hugging Jeremey, it looks as if she's just leapt at him.

Issue 1: Page 9: Panel 1: Girl pulls back from the hug to look him in the eyes.

Girl: I heard it on the news, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

Issue 1: Page 9: Panel 2: Jeremy smiles at the girl, a real smile.

Jeremy: I'm fine Kasey.

Issue 1: Page 9: Panel 3: Random jock comes up from behind Jeremy, only letterman is visible.

Jock: (O.P.) You better stay away from this one girl, his father's a terrorist.

Issue 1: Page 9: Panel 4: Kasey gives the jock a dirty look.

Kasey: He was not, I met the man, he was nothing but kind.

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 1: Cut to Jermey in a class, he looks as if he is scribbling on absent-mindedly.

Jeremy thought box: Did he really do it? is he really responsible?

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 2: (Pannel looks as if its falling away from panel 1) Zoom out from Jeremy.

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 3: (Pannel looks as if its falling away from panel 2) Move towards clock on the wall.

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 4: (Pannel looks as if its falling away from panel 3) Full zoom on clock. Its 8:15 a.m

Jeremy thought box: Could he really have...

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 5: (Pannel looks as if its falling away from panel 4) Clock hands spin

Issue 1: Page 10: Panel 6:(Pannel looks as if its falling away from panel 6, now shattering at the bottom of the page) Clock lands on 3:30

Jeremy thought box: Murdered all those people?

Issue 1: Page 11: Panel 1: Jeremy exisits a class room into a large crowd of students.

Issue 1: Page 11: Panel 2: Lage hand grabs Jeremy's shoulder.

Jock 2: (O.P.) Hey, freshmeat, its time for your initiation.

Issue 1: Page 11: Panel 3: Jeremy pulls free only to back up into another jock.

Issue 1: Page 11: Panel 4: Pull out to reveal Jock from earlier staring down at Jeremy.

Jock 1: Hello, Freshmeat.

Issue 1: Page 12: Panel 1: The two jocks grab Jeremy, who can't seem to pull free.

Voice: (O.P.) Caleb, Seph, why don't you two pick on someone you're own size.

Issue 1: Page 12: Panel 2: Splash panel of jocks turning to see Jericho just standing there.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 1: Jock 1 smiles.

Jock 1: Like, you?

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 2: Jericho still standing there, kids in the background are starting to gather.

Jericho: Really? Whole world filled with comebacks and he says "like you?"

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 3: Jericho drops his bag and rushes foreward.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 4: Jericho grabs Jock 1's Letterman and pulls his face down into Jericho's knee.

Kids begin chanting: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! (Until panel 10)

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 5: Jericho flips over the second, grabs his letterman and pulls it up and over the second's head.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 6: Jock 1 charges at Jericho.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 7: Jericho kicks him in the throat.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 8: Jock 2 finally get his jacket to work out, but sees Jock 1 on the ground.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 9: Jericho is at the jocks side.

Jericho: Boo.

Issue 1: Page 13: Panel 10: The jock freaks out and runs. Kids are no longer chanting.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 1: Jericho and Jeremy are in the car.

Jericho: Did you do something to start all that?

Jeremy: No.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 2: Jericho takes his eyes off the road to look at Jeremy.

Jericho: Then what happened?

Jeremy: Stuff.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 3: Jericho frowns but goes back to the road.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 4: Jericho's car pulls into the drive way.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 5: Jeremy is out of the car and walking up to the house before Jericho is even out.

Issue 1: Page 14: Panel 6: Shot of the box on the porch.

Issue 1: Page 15: Panel 1: Jeremy lugging the box up to his room.

Silver thought box: The package was marked to Jeremy, love Dad. I didn't even think about it at the time, but how could Dad have delievered it if he was dead?

Issue 1: Page 15: Panel 2: Jeremy opens door to his room, the room is kind of a mess, books and paper line the floor, an over flowing clothes hamper in the corner, posters for games and books line his walls. A desk under the window is lined with papers and notebooks.

Issue 1: Page 15: Panel 3: Jeremy sets the box down on the desk.

Issue 1: Page 15: Panel 4: Jeremy plops down in the desk chair and stairs at the box.

Jeremy thought box: Should I even open this?

Issue 1: Page 16: Panel 1: Jeremy opens the box to find a disc in packing peanuts.

Issue 1: Page 16: Panel 2: Black panel on black background.

Silver thought box: I feel as if we've been focusing on me to long...

Issue 1: Page 16: Panel 3: Panel opens at a shot of the rubble again, this time its day and there is a large olive brown hand sticking out.

Silver thought Box: There is someone else you need to meet.

Issue 1: Page 16: Panel 4: Hand moves.

Issue 1: Page 16: Panel 5: Splash panel rather large creature with spikes poking out at random places, short dark hair, and one tusk, bursts from the ground.

Creature: AAADDDOOOMMMSSS!!

Issue 1: Page 17: Panel 1: The creature jumps into the air.

Silver thought box: His name is Gil.

Issue 1: Page 17: Panel 2: Lands on police car, car gets crushed.

Creature: Rrrrgggggh.

Issue 1: Page 17: Panel 3: Police officers freak out.

Cop 1: Holy $^!%.

Issue 1: Page 17: Panel 4: Officers open fire on creature, but it looks to have no effect.

Silver thought box: He worked with my father.

Creature: Aadooms.

Issue 1: Page 17: Panel 5: Creature leaps again.

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 1: Back to Jeremy at the box, he looks frustrated.

Silver thought box: Back to me.

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 2: Jeremyhas the disc infront of his face.

Jeremy thought box: It's not a DVD, not a CD, not even a Blu Ray, so what is it?

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 3: Jeremy paces by the window, disc in hand.

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 4: Jeremy stops and looks out the window.

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 5: Zoom in on the open trash can outside the window.

Jeremy thought bix: Trash is what it is.

Issue 1: Page 18: Panel 6: Jeremy tosses it out the window and turns his back on it.

Issue 1: Page 19: Panel 1: The disc spins out the window.

Issue 1: Page 19: Panel 2: The disc flips back around towards the window.

Issue 1: Page 19: Panel 3: Disc hits Jeremy in the back.

Issue 1: Page 20&21: Panel 1: Splash pannel Jeremy is becoming enveloped in some sort of black liquid and he looks to be panicing.

Caption box: To be continued...

#2 Posted by CapFanboy (5382 posts) - - Show Bio

@VyseCarma:

"untittled"

I'm sorry...it's all I got.

But seriously, this is great, good to see an original script.

#3 Posted by VyseCarma (259 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks, I'm not so great with spelling, unfortunatly.

Thank you for your comment :)

#4 Posted by NlGHTCRAWLER (2899 posts) - - Show Bio

@VyseCarma: Good job dude!

#5 Posted by VyseCarma (259 posts) - - Show Bio

@NlGHTCRAWLER: Thank you very much. I'm surprised this one got so many reads.

Its hard to believe this evoled from a Captain Underpants Fan-fiction in 3rd grade. As I got older I thought I should bring it into the Batman world, then Spiderman and then I just branched it off into its own.

#6 Posted by VyseCarma (259 posts) - - Show Bio

Just because, Concept Art: