#1 Edited by Bronze_Surfer (2984 posts) - - Show Bio

Fawcet City, February 3rd 2012

The bus stop for Fawcet City High was quite as a church mouse with teen’s half asleep and on their phones. As the bus creaked up to the stop and everyone got on, a girl was running trying to catch up to the bus but to no avail.

“Wait!” She screamed as the bus went off into the distance. “Darn it!” she said, kicking a can on the ground. She looked around to see if there was anyone she knew to give her a ride. No one.

“Miss the bus again Mary?” a boy said from behind.

Mary turned to see Freddy Freeman, the kid from Rhode Island who she had been friends with for the later of last year.

“You could say that, but you did too.” She said to Freddy shrugging.

“That I did, I have two subway tokens, why don’t we hitch a ride together?” he asked as Mary smiled.

“Sure, I’ll race you there!” she said, bolting out of there with Freddy following. As they ran through the street with Freddy catches up to her, rain started to come down from the dark sky above.

“Great...” Freddy said as Mary flipped her hood up. Looking at her with envy as they started racing towards the subway again.

“You still can’t catch me!” Mary said playful as she felt a giant thump. Falling backwards into a puddle she looked up to see three men in hoodies wearing sunglasses standing in front of the subway.

“Watch it girl.” One of the men said, brushing dust off of his hodie that Mary got on him.

“You ok?” Freddy asked helping her up.

“Fine.” She said looking at the man she ran into. “I’m sorry for running into you, but we need to get to the subway now.” She said trying to walk past them with another of the men blocking her path.

“Can’t let you do that right now girl, you and your boyfriend have to pay a small toll to go to the subway at these hours.” The man she ran into said with Freddy walking up to him.

“Come on man, cut us a break, were already going to be late to school and we need to get on the subway before we miss it.” He said with the man getting in his face.

“As I said, toll or you can walk to your school.” He said with Freddy getting closer to the man’s face.

“We’re going to the subway.” Freddy said with the man laughing.

“Or what? You’ll fight me?” The man asked as Freddy kneed him in the crotch and smashed his elbow onto the back of the man’s head. He threw Mary a subway token and looked at her.

“Get on the subway and tell Fletcher that I got jumped, he will take care of the rest.” Freddy said as the man grabbed onto Freddy’s leg flipping him. Freddy was not weak but a fifteen year old fighting three men in their twenties would not end well.

“Get the girl!” The man screamed with Mary running into the subway with one of the other men chasing after her. She kept up her fast pace, jumping over the barrier to the subway. No one was in the subway which confused Mary stopping her for a second. Those few moments still let the man tackle Mary into the wall.

“Fast b!tch.” he said, trying to pick her up and drag her back to the entrance of the subway. As he did this Mary bit down hard into the man’s hand. Letting go and cursing in pain she ran off again, only to stop short with the subway tracks in front of her. The man walked up to her and took out a switchblade. “Let’s not make this harder than it has to be.” He said as a giant rumble was felt underneath the two making both Mary and the man lose their balance. Mary fell back onto the tracks as the man fell onto a metal bench knocking him out cold.

“Ow...” Mary said, rubbing her head standing up. She slowly moved toward the lip of the tracks to the waiting area as she felt another rumble. But this was no aftershock, it was a subway train coming straight at her with blinding lights. Instead of jumping out of the way, Mary stood there like a deer in headlights. As the train approached closer she put her arms out in front of her waiting for the pain to hit. She opened her eyes to see herself inside of the train.

“What just happened?” she asked herself looking around being the only one in the area. “Hello?” She called out to anyone but got no response. The train screeched to a stop and the door’s opened with Mary walking outside the train slowly. The second she was a few steps from the train it took off, leaving Mary alone once again. Looking forward was a long cave system with 7 giant statues to her side and a throne at the end of the cave system with another statue sitting there. Walking forward, she read what was above the seven statues.

“The seven deadly enemies of man...I thought it was the seven deadly sins?” Mary said to herself as she read the words under each of the seven. Wrath, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Lust, Envy, and Gluttony. She then walked to the other statue in the cave. The statue was of an elderly bald man with a long beard and a robe. Above him was giant text reading Rock of Eternity, home of the Wizzard.

“Who is the wizard? This guy?” Mary said, looking at the statue to see a medallion around the statues neck. Taking it off and looking at it, she saw a single word. “What kind of name is Shazam?”

In that moment out of nowhere, a giant bolt of lightning crashed through the top of the cave and hit Mary. Instead of feeling like death was coming, Mary felt an energy she never felt before. She felt a power surging throughout her entire body. In mere moments she felt herself get taller and her hair grow longer. Her strength increased as her muscles became more defined. Her intelligence increased instantly with her instantly. She looked down to see herself in a red dress with a yellow lightning bolt down the middle of it and a white hood.

“Whoa...” Mary said, taking a few steps getting used to her new strength. In another step she started to float off the ground. Initially freaking out she calmed down and took some more steps and eventually started moving without her legs. She was flying. “This...is...amazing!” Mary screamed smiling while flying around the cave. She saw the hole where the lightning bolt and come in lead out back to Fawcet city. She bolted out of the cave and into the skies above Fawcet city. She looked down to see the subway station and the two beating on Freddy. “Alright, round two!” she exclaimed flying down towards the two men.

“Kid, you should have just paid the toll.” One of the men said, holding Freddy in a choke hold while the other kicked him. Then a red blur emerged in front of them and Freddy was gone. Looking all around they saw nothing and took out their 9mm’s. “Who’s there?” he asked, aiming around him as the blur emerged again and his partner was gone. “Screw this!” the man said running to his car. When he approached it the blur was back and his car was gone. “What is going on!” he screamed as Mary whistled at him from above balancing his car on her finger.

“Looking for this?” She said joyfully. Dumbstruck at the sight of a girl flying and holding a car up with a single finger he took his 9mm and fired all he had in his clip at her. The bullets bounced off of her skin and one hit the man in the leg. As he cried out in pain she put the car down and went to him.

“Are you ok? We need to get you to a hospital.” She said as the man got a look at her face.

“You...You are the girl from earlier, what happened to you?” he asked as she smiled.

“A miracle.” She responded, moving super-fast and dropping him off at the hospital and returning back.

“Mary?” Freddy’s voice said from a rooftop as she floated up and picked him up.

“Yup, just little old me.” She said floating them both down from the building slowly.

“How did...” Freddy started to say as they landed down.

“I somehow ended up in a cave and I said the word Shazam!” she said as a lightning bolt came down from the stormy sky and struck her. Freddy was unharmed, but Mary shrank back down to her normal 14 year old self with her old clothes on perfectly dry.

“You said Shazam and it turned you into a superhero...and saying it again turned you to normal...just say it at the appropriate time.” Freddy responded as he walked away from the subway.

“Where are you going?” Mary asked as he turned back with his bruised and bloody face.

“Home, I’m taking the day off and you should too, you can come hang with me if you want.” He said as she shook her head.

“I’m already going to be late and my parents will have my head if I skip, see you later Freddy.” She said as she turned toward the way to her school and took in a deep breath.

“SHAZAM!” she screamed as another bolt came from the sky and in moments she was flying off towards her school.

#2 Posted by Delphic (1528 posts) - - Show Bio
#3 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5737 posts) - - Show Bio

@bronze_surfer: Sorry about the long wait for a comment. I know next to nothing about Captain Marcel (well any Captain Marvel not called Genis) but the story sounds interesting. Makes me kind of fearful for Aliki and Cos survival with that kind of power around.

#4 Edited by Joygirl (20135 posts) - - Show Bio

@bronze_surfer: Pretty good. Let me start with a little bit of criticism:

1. A few standard punctuation errors, common. For example, you use "teen's" to suggest a plural of teen, but the apostrophe is unneeded. The plural of "teen" is "teens." A couple small typos, and a few places (specifically in dialogue, also a common flaw) that could use more commas than were present. Commas are essential to creating flow in a conversation, and a lack of them makes dialogue seem distinctly wooden.

As an example,

“Miss the bus again Mary?”

could be,

"Miss the bus again, Mary?"

While the difference is incredibly small in the text itself, it makes the speech seem a lot more natural and a lot more human, y'see?

2. Regarding the story itself, I liked it, especially Mary returning to save Freddy with her new powers. My only issue was that it seemed a little bit rushed, and didn't dwell as much on the miraculous and bizarre nature of what just happened as much as it could have. Mary uses her powers immediately and responsibly, not showing the flaws or mistakes that teens (especially fourteen year olds, gosh) commonly tend to exhibit.

That said, I see a lot of potential in this. Slow it down, give the characters room to breathe and feel human, flesh out your descriptions and tweak your dialogue as you go along, and with practice I think this could be a really awesome Shazam title.

Adding the story and characters to their respective libraries.

#5 Posted by Bronze_Surfer (2984 posts) - - Show Bio