#1 Posted by Prometheus_ (57 posts) - - Show Bio

Hellblazer in...

The Gotham Trials

I've been in this sh*t hole city long enough to learn all that I need to know. I'll give you a little tour before story time begins, so you understand why i'm in patriotic f*ck'in America. Lets start with the G.P.D or the "Bat Pigs" as the local crime like to call them. The police do f*ck all to protect this city leaving all the important work to the very few detectives and the commissioner, Jim Gordon. That was quick I know but Gotham wears its blood soaked, drug induced, disease infested heart on its feckin sleeve. Now we have the Bat Family, a bunch of rich a holes with nothing better to do then jumping around in tights fighting so called "Super-Villains". Most of the family either doesn't know or cant figure out that their dark knight can't protect Gotham from the hordes of Demons making this city their castle. Right, the city is a bloody cesspool for the Risen and the Fallen thanks to the lack of exorcists in this god forsaken town, hell why not rename the damned place Gomorrah and blow the thing to sh*t. I digress lets get to the good part, shall we?

The motel has a stale dirty undertone beyond the posh sheets and accessories. A smoke dangles from the edge of Johns mouth while he waits for the call. He looks up and finds the Bat logo still etched into the night sky like someone painted the simple design onto the clouds to scare away the rapists, drug dealers, and pimps. The brightness of the spotlight is dull through the dirty windows of the "best motel in Gotham." total and udder bullsh*t thought the blonde haired man as he adjusted his coat. "How the f*ck did I get stuck with the worst damn job in the world." said the annoyed John Constantine to the dry air. "The one time I leave London, and it's to come to this f*ck'in city..." John despised Gotham for it's ability to be happy and cocksure with Batman saving their arses from murderers and thieves and stay oblivious to the infestation of the damned. "Anytime now would be fine." sounded John through the puff of smoke from his cigarette, and instantly as if being beckoned the phone laying on the nightstand rang...

*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*. John reached over and grabbed the cellphone off of the small wooden table and put it to his ear "Where is it?" said Constantine through the phone. A sniveling voice came through the end of the tiny cell and responded with an accomplished voice "Where they always are John, you know where John, talk to you later John." The phone cut and a sigh left the English mans mouth, taking the leftovers from his cig and flicking it against the window John stands from the bed and strides towards the door to his room. As his hand reaches out to turn the knob it turns seemingly on its own. "F*ck." says a disappointed John to the half-breed turning the knob on the other side of the door. *SLAM* the door swung open smashing John in the nose and sending him on his ass against the bed. As his vision refocused Constantine looked up to find a Risen standing in the doorway holding a sinister looking knife and fighting a smile. "Hellblazer! The council has sentenced you to die!" came an inhuman voice from the broad shouldered man. Holding his bloodied nose the blonde haired man got to his feet and sized up the dark half-breed across from him lighting another cigarette John stared down the half demon with a challenging gaze "Well then. Let's see what you got pig-sh*t." said the Hellblazer with a smile.

Message From Prometheus:

Hey guys, this is more or less a teaser for my part of the House of Mystery series. Its "If you haven't guessed." a Hellblazer story. I hoped you liked this tidbit because the parts will get longer the more I dish them out. Also to those writers who haven't I would suggest hopping over to the RP section of the forums and check out what they've got to offer ^^ . EVERYONE remember to check out all the stories in the DC Mayhem series because they are all great stories and deserve your attention :) .

DISCLAIMER: All places and Characters are owned by DC comics unless pointed out otherwise by me

#2 Posted by wildvine (10367 posts) - - Show Bio

@Prometheus_

Now we have the Bat Family, a bunch of rich a holes with nothing better to do then jumping around in tights fighting so called "Super-Villains".

He seems to know them really well..

@Prometheus_ said:

but Gotham wears its blood soaked, drug induced, disease infested heart on its feckin sleeve.

I get that your going for gritty here, but it feels over done.

"Hellblazer! The council has sentenced you to die!" came an inhuman voice from the broad shouldered man. Holding his bloodied nose the blonde haired man got to his feet and sized up the dark half-breed across from him lighting another cigarette John stared down the half demon with a challenging gaze "Well then. Let's see what you got pig-sh*t." said the Hellblazer with a smile.

This part again, felt over done. Don't they usually call him Constantine in the comics?

I'm not trying for an in depth critique here because i'm still learning myself. These are just the things that came off wrong.

Moderator
#3 Posted by batkevin74 (11209 posts) - - Show Bio

@Prometheus_: There's a couple of minor grammatical mistakes "total and udder bullsh*t" like total needs a capital T but I liked this! Good work. I do like the idea that there is stuff going on that Batman & Co are oblivious too because it's not the Joker or Two-Face, meaning that soon I smell crossover :) Good work

#4 Posted by Prometheus_ (57 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks for the feedback ^^ this is my first fanfic so hopefully ill get better.

#5 Posted by wildvine (10367 posts) - - Show Bio

@Prometheus_ said:

Thanks for the feedback ^^ this is my first fanfic so hopefully ill get better.

Your welcome. And you will be awesome with a little practise.

Moderator
#6 Posted by Joygirl (19951 posts) - - Show Bio

@Prometheus_: Whew, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I added it to the library.

Feedback:

I love the gritty feel you have going on. I can understand it seeming overdone, as WV said, but a lot of really gritty stories can have a stylistic manner, like Frank Miller's work -- it goes for realistic, yet the dialogue and narrative can seem almost canned in a delicious way.

Imagery is nice, though there could be a smidge more detail, I think?

My biggest problem is the actual layout -- there were a few instances that seemed a bit odd. For instance, you use italics to say half-breed, which totally does not require it. However, you leave italics off of John's thoughts, where they are crucial. As an example,

- total and udder bullsh*t thought the blonde haired man as he adjusted his coat. -

Should really be:

- Total and utter bullsh*t, thought the blonde-haired man as he adjusted his coat. -

See what I did there? Capital T and proper spelling of utter, but more importantly, italics on his thoughts and a comma following them, separating thought from narrative.

There should also be a skip or sorts, like maybe a quick --------------- between paragraphs from when it skips from first person to third.

Also, as a subjective side note that I mentioned to Wildvine, third person/present tense tends to not look very professional in a story. For instance, what you did was:

- John lights a cigarette. - This is third person (John, not I) but present tense (lights, not lit) which tends to look a little awkward. Other possibilities would be:

- I light a cigarette. -

or,

- John lit a cigarette. -

May seem minor but it strongly affects the flow and style of a story.

Good job, overall, though. I found it very intriguing, particularly the first paragraph that you did in first person. Keep it up. ^_^

#7 Posted by dngn4774 (3504 posts) - - Show Bio

Despite the overuse of grit, I think your doing a great job so far.  It sounds like you know where you're going with this and I'd enjoy to read more chapters.  This pretty much accomplishes everything that a teaser chapter needs to do.