#1 Edited by dngn4774 (3125 posts) - - Show Bio

Here's the link to Chapter 1 if you haven't read it yet: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/dc-mayhem-presents-spoiler-alert-chapter-1/730698/

I hope you like it!

Spoiler Alert! Chapter 2- Actions

August 7, 2010

Stephanie’s Point of View:

Once I got on my bike it was easy to track down Arthur. I placed a bug on the inside of his car’s bumper and kept the tracking device concealed, in a hidden compartment that I built into my bike. He was heading to a slum on Gotham’s north side, Park Row. In the 80’s Park Row was considered a premiere venue to nearly all of the city’s entertainment. However, after the Wayne shootings, most of the wealthy decided to spend their money at more private estates. Within a few years, one of the city’s shiniest jewels turned into its most sour grape. Nowadays, it is most commonly known as Crime Alley.

Down at Crime Alley I watched Arthur exited his vehicle. He cut across backstreets, turning his head back in paranoia every few seconds; little did he know that today, he actually had a reason to be afraid. I followed him to an abandoned movie theater. I crouched around the left balcony and peered down to watch what was happening. As Arthur scoured the rows for human life, he detected a lit cigarette in the corner of the room. A man walked in close towards the light. He was just far away enough to prevent me from getting a good look at his face. From what I could tell the man was about 6’2”, he had a bulky build and a scruffy red beard with some graying in it. He wore a tan open suit, with a caramel dress shirt that had a caffeine stain on it, and a plaid tie. Arthur took a seat behind the mysterious man awaiting his engagement to the conversation.

“You’re late, Arthur.” The man said.

“What do you want from me Church?” Arthur asked.

“I need you to get in touch with an old friend. You remember Warren White don’t you? Though, now he’s called The Great White Shark.” The stranger informed him.

“Why would he even bother wasting time with me? Warren might have been small time when we used to work together, but now he’s his own boss.” Arthur pointed out.

“Don’t sell yourself short Arthur; you’re still one of the best thieves in Gotham. Rumor has it that Great White is on the verge of war with Intergang. He’s going to be desperate to take help from anyone who offers it, and that’s where you come in.”—

This was serious! Intergang is one of Gotham’s most powerful crime organizations. Last year they raided Gotham’s crime families in a series of multi-gang wars. Whichever gangs weren’t completely demolished, were at least pushed back and they’ve been expanding ever since.—

“The leader of Gotham’s Intergang is meeting White tonight to talk about working out a truce. He’ll most likely have a disc in his right coat pocket. White knows about the disc so he’ll most likely want it too. All I need is for you to get the disc back to me, I don’t care how you do it; just make sure you retrieve it.” Church explained.

“What’s on the disc?” Arthur asked.

“That’s none of your concern Arthur!” Church exclaimed. “My employers want it back and you will get it back, that’s all you need to know.”

“Any ideas on how I’m supposed to steal this item without getting killed?” Arthur inquired.

“Just use your imagination Arthur.” Church cried. “Maybe you could throw in one of your clues to suggest that a rival gang stole it. Personally, I wouldn’t try asking for it. Neither gang looked like they’re in a charitable mood right now,” the man chuckled. “Now get out of here, we both have other places to be.”

Arthur started his car and took off. I followed him a few blocks before he parked into an alley and reached for one of the bags in his backseat. After a few seconds he exited his car in his Cluemaster costume. He walked behind the car and pulled out a couple of items. First he put a tarp over his car that blended with the walls of the alley. Then he strapped a parking boot onto one of the front wheels of his car, in this neighborhood you could never be too careful. I rolled my bike behind a dumpster and trailed him on foot. He walked a few blocks east to a two story office. He was searched by the two guards before being led upstairs.

I quickly climbed up the fire escape of an adjacent building to its rooftop. Then I pulled out some of the spyware from my belt and attached a sound amplifier to my phone. The salesman at that the security story said it was pretty simple, just point and listen in. There were no windows so I slowly waved my arm around the wall until I could pick up sounds. I didn’t think the gadget was working until I heard Arthur’s footsteps moving towards the back. From that point I heard everything.

Inside White’s Office:

The Cluemaster entered the room filled with extravagant furniture, wealthy paintings, and an aquarium of sharks covering most of the walls. Sitting behind the large mahogany desk was Warren White, also known as The Great White Shark. White was called the Great White Shark mainly for his physical features and his carnivorous personality. Because of an incident at Arkham Asylum, White’s skin turned as white as bone, he lost many of his appendages, and he became even more emotionally unstable. He also filed his teeth to look more like a shark. In the corner of the room, stood a tall African man in an expensive white suit; he stature was almost robotic.

“Well isn’t this a surprise! The Cluemaster finally drops by to visit an old friend.” Great White said sarcastically.

“Hello Warren, it looks like the years have been good to you.” Brown replied, matching Great White’s sarcasm.

Warren chuckled, “Well that’s one way to look at it. Now what brings you here?” He asked.

“I need work, White. Do you have any quick jobs I can do?” Arthur asked.

“You sound desperate…I like that.” Great White said. “Alright Art, I gotta job for you, but it has to be done right now. There’s a chop-shop in crime alley that has some crates of mine on the top floor. Sneak through the fire escape and lockpick the door. Once you’re in text our associate here and wait for him to help you move the crates.--Understand!”

“Fine, I’ll go over there now.” Cluemaster said, taking the burner phone off of the desk.

11:00pm, Crime Alley, Frank’s Auto Parts:

Arthur had been up in attic of the building for nearly ninety minutes. “Were the hell is he!” He pondered.

The door began to open slowly as the tall African man entered with several of White Shark’s men behind him.

“What are you waiting for? Let’s move these crates!” The Cluemaster cried.

“There has been a change in plans,” the African man affirmed. “Mr. White wants you to go downstairs.”

Cluemaster climbed down the fire escape. While walking towards the front door, he noticed nearly a dozen cars parked in front. Upon his entrance into the room nearly 20 men aimed their guns at his forehead. A symphony of hammers cocked bullets into their chambers. On one of the room was Great White’s men, the other side with more men was Intergang. At the center of the room, Warren White stood face to face with John Denetto, who was more aptly named Johnny Stitches. Johnny got his stitches because he was caught stealing from a former employer. As a result his skin was peeled off of his body. To this day he still regrets getting caught more than actually stealing the money.

“Easy fellas, he’s one of mine.” Great White assured them; each of the men lowered their weapons. Great White waved him over. As the Cluemaster came closer White asked, “Was that problem of ours taken care of?” Brown nodded. “That’s a relief!” Great White said joyfully, before turning back to Denetto.

“Enough of the distractions—let’s get back to business!” Stitches demanded.

“Fine, we’ll take your deal, I’ll give you 60% as long as you stop invading my territory.” Great White conceded.

Johnny chuckled obnoxiously, “60!—No no no, that was the old deal. The new deal is 85 percent.”

Great White scowled, “You know I can’t make that deal Johnny, just agree with the old one or else”—

“OR ELSE, OR ELSE WHAT!?” Johnny roared. “You think you can threaten me? I’ve got more guns, more men, and more connections than you--You’re in no position to negotiate anything Coin-Boy! The only reason you keep any percentage is because Intergang allows you to. Now do you understand me!?” Stitches asked.

“Sure John, I read you loud and clear. We’ll take your deal.” White said.

“Thataboy Warren! I knew you’d see things my w”—

BLAM!!! The sound echoed through the room as Great White put a bullet through Johnny’s skull. “NOW TALLY!” White screamed. Before the Intergang members could raise their weapons, a storm of lead rained down upon them. Each of the Intergang members had been slaughtered.

Once the firing stopped, Great White went over to Denetto’s corpse and pulled out a disc from his coat pocket. Great White grinned widely, “That was beautiful boys! It’s about time those lowlives got what they deserved.” White declared. His head turned to Cluemaster, “And this guy, I couldn’t have done any of this without him.” Warren grabbed Arthur by the shoulders and cried, “Just like old times, ain’t it!? Maybe you should work for me permanently. I could use a guy with your skills. Keep up the good work and I make us all filthy rich.”

The Tally Man cleared his voice, which was White’s clue to leave. “I have to go now,” he said, taking his hands off of Brown. “You three, help Cluemaster get rid of the bodies.”

“Sure thing Boss!” One of the grunts nodded.

Nearby Frank’s Auto Parts

Stephanie’s Point of View:

Now was my chance—that huge gang left and only a few guards remained including Cluemaster. It was time for the Spoiler to strike. I snuck into the auto shop and crouched behind a car frame. I heard footsteps moving closer, it was one of the thugs armed with a pistol. He walked straight past the car frame to a large shelf on the wall and pulled a gas tank off of the shelf. This grunt was young and looked a little runty, he was probably only a year older than me. Easy pickings, I thought in my head. I grabbed a lug wrench near the car frame and chucked it at the goon’s head. He plummeted to the ground completely KOed.

“One down, three to go” I whispered.—

“What’s was that?” The Cluemaster asked

The sound lured of the strike was about to draw in the other men, so I climbed up the shelf and jumped to the nearest support beam. Cluemaster was the first one to arrive to the unconscious man. He knelt near the body to get a pulse as the other two guys advanced.

“What did you do!?” One of White’s men indicted.

“Relax man, this wasn’t me.” Cluemaster retorted.

“Well he didn’t just slam the tool over his own head!” The other grunt said. He tightened his grip on his assault rifle, keeping it close to his body.

“We should search the area.” Cluemaster suggested.

“Let’s split up!” The unarmed guard cried.

“No, we shouldn’t do that. This guy obviously wants us to split up so he can pick us off one by one.” Cluemaster explained. “You two should stick together.”

“What about you?” The armed guard asked.

“I can take care of myself.” Arthur replied.

“How are we supposed to know that you aren’t the one who did this?” The armed guard asked.

“Because if it was me, you’d either be like your friend on the floor, or like one of those bodies we were supposed to be lifting. So please get moving.” Cluemaster stated firmly.

I was amazed watching them panic, insult one other and accuse each other. It was pure, unadulterated mayhem and I loved every minute of it. After a few moments all of the men ended up taking father dearest’s advice. I followed the duo first since I wanted to save my father for last. I tossed a screw near the armed guard’s feet and he almost emptied a clip.

“What the hell are you doing!?” The unarmed guard asked.

“You didn’t hear that?” The armed grunt responded.

“Get yourself together man! I can’t have you freaking out over nothing. Let’s just keep searching.” The other thug said.

They were now directly underneath me. I dropped down and elbowed the armed thug at the base of his skull.

“Wrong move Chico!” The other thug said pulling out a butterfly knife from his pants leg.

“I’m a girl you idiot!” I shouted back.

“A dead girl then. Adios Chica!” He said swiping the knife near my head.

I ducked below the knife and kneed him in the ribs. Then I punched him in the jaw. He slashed me twice with the blade, first across my thigh, then near the side of my stomach. I staggered back and he plunged the knife towards my throat. I grabbed his wrist then I flipped him over my back. Before he could get back up I pulled the large shelf down on his body.

I heard footsteps again, this time it was my father’s. The smart thing to do would have been to sneak up behind him to keep the odds in my favor, but I didn’t want to hide anymore, I wanted to get revenge. It was time for me to hurt him, just like all of the times he has hurt me and mom over the last decade. I stared at my wounds I should have been in more pain but I wasn’t. The adrenaline coursing through my veins had numbed everything except my anger.

Arthur found me pretty quickly standing over the fallen henchmen. He looked astonished seeing a small shrouded figure staring back at him. “Who are you?” He asked.

“Me? I’m your worst nightmare, but you can call me the Spoiler.” I said briefly before charging at him. He reached for the rifle, as soon as he picked it up I kicked it out of his hands and roundhoused him across the face. I kicked him in the kidneys and then I turned him on his back, punching his face as hard as I could, over and over again. For a while I had lost all control. I continued wailing on him even after he had passed out, while a river of tears streamed down from my face. The only thing that prevented me from killing this man was the thought that death was too light of a punishment to bestow on him.

After I had regained my composure, I tied Arthur and each White Shark’s men to the car frame. I stared at the space on the wall where I knocked down the shelf; it had some weird ancient symbol on it and it gave me an idea. I assumed that the creepy symbol was some time of Intergang tag so I decided to leave one of my father’s infamous clues. I grabbed a few cans of spray-paint from the back and within a few minutes my masterpiece was complete. I ran across the alleys to my bike. Just before I reached my motorcycle I was tackled to the ground. I struggled on the ground attempting to outmaneuver him.

“Just surrender now, you can’t escape.” He said while reaching for my head. He pulled off my hood and froze. I’m still not sure why everyone’s so surprised I’m a girl.

“Just watch me creep!” I shouted when I punched him in the face with a hard left hook.

He winced in pain as I ran for my bike and threw some red piece of metal at my foot. I fell to the ground and as I tried to pick myself up a steel staff pressed me back to the ground.

“Who do you work for? Why did you kill all of those people?” He asked.

“That wasn’t me!” I shouted, following up with a leg sweep. I continued by throwing a flurry of punches and kicks at him.

He dodged them all, then caught my arm a flung me back to the ground. “Look, we don’t have to do this. Just tell me what you know and we can work this out peacefully.”

“Fine, I’ll talk.” I screamed back. After he released me I started to tell him everything that happened that night. For a creep in a red suit he was actually charming, he was also pretty cute for a guy with a swollen jaw. “So that’s pretty much everything there is to know, what should I call you?”

“I’m Robin,” he said extending his hand, “And your name?”

“Stephanie but you can call me Steph.” I affirmed.

“Well Steph, the GCPD will be here pretty soon, would you like me to escort you home?”

“I can take care of myself.” I retorted.

“Yeah--I know that,” he said, grasping his jaw. I smiled as he looked back at me. “So, is that a yes?” He asked.

“Well it isn’t a no.” I responded.

August 8, 2010; 12:05 am, Frank’s Auto Parts:

Arthur Brown awoke when bright headlights passed through a window of the Auto shop. He knew he didn’t have much time since the lights were getting bigger and brighter. Brown rubbed his wrists against the sharpest edge of the car frame to cut the ties on his hands. After hearing the car doors slam, Arthur slid through an open window in the back of the shop. He ran to his hidden vehicle and fled from the scene of the crime.

The front doors of the shop were opened as two people entered the premises. The first was a petite woman with a forked tongue and scaled skin. She had fiery red hair, emerald eyes, and a slender figure. Behind her stood a man with menacing eyes, jet black hair, and a muscular physique. Both creatures scoured the area in the hope of uncovering what had gone so horribly wrong that night. As the woman approached Denetto’s corpse she let out a loud hiss, signaling her partner to come near. The man hustled over while the woman rifled through Johnny’s clothing. “Does he have it, my lady?” He asked.

“No Abbot, he doesn’t.” The lady confirmed.

“Then who does?” Abbot inquired.

A faint groan came from the back of the room startled them both. The lady smiled wickedly, “Let’s find out,” she answered.

They both followed the sound of the groaning to the tied thugs. Abbot’s crouched by the three unconscious men and lifted a fourth set of ropes. “Someone else was here.” Abbot said.

“I gathered as much, but even four men couldn’t have done all of this. Wake them up; let’s hear what they have to say.” The woman cried.

Abbot raised the groaning thug’s heel and stomped down on his kneecap, completely shattering the leg. The man bellowed in pain, waking his nearby associates.

“Who are you?” One of the thugs asked.

“Why are you doing this?” Another thug asked.—

“Calm down gentlemen.” She advised them. “My name is irrelevant, but who I represent is of great concern to your well being. If you must refer to me by an alias, you may address me as Snake Fatale. I represent Intergang and I need you to answer a few of my questions. I assure you that the more honestly you reply, the less pain I will have to inflict upon you. Now what happened here?”

“F$%K YOU AND YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS, NONE OF US ARE SNITCHES, SO QUIT WASTING OUR TIME AND GET THIS OVER WITH!” The thug with the broken leg shouted back.

“And just when I thought we were about to make so much progress, Oh well!” Snake spat on the thug’s forehead, within a few seconds the acid in her saliva melted his entire face off.

Another thug started to scream hysterically, “SOMEBODY HELP US!—Ayudame!”

Snake Fatale scowled as she glanced over to Abbot. Abbot nodded, walked over to the screaming man and snapped his neck. Snake’s eyes shifted to the third thug, a young teenager with tears rolling down his cheeks, “I guess that only leaves you now.” She said.

“Please, I just want to go home.” The boy cried.

“Its okay child, we don’t want to hurt you. Just look into my eyes and everything will be fine.” Snake assured him. As he made eye contact with the serpentine, her eyes briefly shined. “Good, now tell me what happened here.” She demanded.

The boy stared back blankly and replied in a monotone voice, “There was a meeting between Great White and Johnny Stitches. Johnny changed the terms of the deal at the last minute and told White, if he didn’t give in, Intergang would wipe him out. White shot Johnny, took something from his coat, and had the Tally Man gun down all of the rest. He left us here to burn down the place down. When I went to get the gas, guy in a purple cape attacked us and tied us up.”

“What about the fourth man?” Abbot asked, glancing back at the severed ropes.

“He was new,” the boy stated. “White kept calling him Cluemaster.”

“I see,” Abbot replied. He growled viciously as his eyes shifted over to his partner. “Johnny $@%#n’ Stitches! Even in death he still leaves us with a mess to clean up! What should we do, Whisper?” He asked.

Whisper sighed, “I’ll give a call to the boss and see how he wants to handle things. Just watch the kid for now.”

12:15 am, Stephanie’s Neighborhood,

Stephanie’s Point of View:

On the ride back, I ended up talking a lot with Robin. Most of our conversations were about his adventures with Batman, but more importantly fighting crime itself. It was weird to think that my closest social relationship was with some boy in a red suit that I knew nothing about. I wanted to know more about him, but I understood why he couldn’t tell me. We stopped walking a few blocks from my house before Robin stared at me with a puzzled look on his face. “What is it?” I asked.

“There’s just still something I don’t understand? If you just wanted to fight crime tonight why did you keep wailing on that last guy? It seemed excessive to me.” He inquired.

“Oh that,” I responded. “That last man was my father. When I found out he was returning to a life of crime, I kind of lost it for a little while. I guess none of that really matters now, once the cop’s pick him up he won’t hurt my mother ever again.”

Tim stared at my briefly processing all of the details of my story. “I’m sorry about your father Steph, but I need you to make a promise for me.”

“What kind of promise?” I asked.

Tim continued, “Promise me that you’ll put away your Spoiler costume for good and go back to being to living a normal life. I don’t want you to endanger yourself.”

“No way!” I objected. “You don’t have the right to tell me what to do. Your probably the same age as me.”

“This isn’t about age Stephanie and besides, what I do is different from what you do.” He protested.

“No, that’s bull!” I countered. “You’re being a hypocrite Robin. Just because you have better training doesn’t change the fact that your life is in just as much danger as mine is. This was the first time in my life where I felt like I was making a difference and now you want to take it away from me.—My answer is no!”

“Believe me Stephanie, I understand why you want to keep doing this but you don’t have to anymore. You still don’t understand the sacrifices that come with this. Today you have a couple slashes on you; tomorrow you could be beaten, tortured, or even murdered. Your father’s probably going to prison for a long time and you have the choice to walk away from this kind of life. Sometimes I wish I had someone to tell me the same thing.” Robin explained.

I thought about his words before ask him, “Do you really feel that way?”

“Yes, I do.” He proclaimed.

“Fine, then I’ll stop, but on one condition.” I suggested.

“Name it!” He said.

“You have to promise me that we’ll see each other again.” I insisted.

“Sounds like a good deal to me.” He said, extending his hand to shake mine. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him close against my body, when I tried to kiss him he pulled back.

“Um, Steph I’m sorry, but I already have a girlfriend.” He informed me.

I kissed him on the cheek then whispered in his ear “Then tell her she has some competition.” I smiled then drove away on my motorcycle.

Back at the Frank's Auto Parts:

Whisper walked back into the room and saw the boy shaking quietly on the floor as she searched for Abbot. She found him staring at a wall in the back next to a fallen shelf. She scowled when she saw the image of a Great White Shark graffitied over the religion of crime symbol.

“BLASPHEMY!” Abbot howled, trying hard to conceal his inner beast.

“It’s a pretty obvious clue to who’s responsible.” Snake added.

“They will all pay for this! I swear it on the name of Cain, THEY WILL ALL PAY FOR THIS!” Abbot roared.

“Easy now brother, save your rage. It will come in hand later on when we retaliate.” Snake said in a reassuring tone.

“What were Mannheim’s orders?” Abbot asked.

“He’s calling in the Whale to take over Johnny’s operation. We are to follow his orders when he arrives at Wayne International Airport. Ugly says the top priority is to retrieve the disc.” She explained.

“And this mess?” Abbot asked, glancing around the room.

“We clean it up. Get the gas and finish their job.” She said.

Abbot doused the room in gasoline and pulled out a liter. The boy jumped up and screamed “Wait, what about me? You said I could go home if I told you everything and I did.”

Whisper smirked with another evil grin, “Yeah, about that, I lied.” She giggled. “Silly boy, didn’t your mommy ever teach you… you should never trust a snake, especially a fatal one.” She walked away as Abbot tossed the liter onto the gas. The boy's screams echoed through the garage as they exited the scene in their car.

#2 Posted by Joygirl (19935 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774:

Not totally sure how I feel about this yet. Certain parts of it look really nice and clean (specifically, the Steph/Tim scenes, which had solid dialogue and pace). A few aspects of it though, I kind of cringed at (maybe cringe is too strong, more like balked at).

For one, description of actions in a few places are... like non-existent. Like "he fell to the ground totally KOed" is not only missing a very important comma, but it just really feels like it needs more. Also, a bit of your dialogue feels contrived in places... again, not the Steph/Tim bits, those are pretty good. But a few places you resort to caps to show passion instead of just using wrathful words and describing tone with prose. Also, even more bizarre, you occasionally describe dialogue in a way that doesn't fit it, e.g.:

“I gathered as much, but even four men couldn’t have done all of this. Wake them up; let’s hear what they have to say.” The woman cried.

She cried? That... doesn't really make sense. When you cry something out it's usually some kind of desperate shout. The sentence you just wrote sounds way more like a casual comment.

Anyway, it shows a lot of potential and besides a few small mistakes your actual writing/formatting seems to be really spot on, which is an amazing start. Let's see where it goes from here!