#1 Edited by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

This is part two of my Mayhem trial series. Part one can be found here. Part three is here Here. Craving even more Mayhem? Find it here.

Present...

"Danial, I am suffering the symptoms of being hung over, without the pleasure of actually having been drunk. So I invite you to contemplate whether or not I'm in the mood for your snide attempts at humor." Detective Chimp snapped irritably. Being knocked out always left him with the worse headaches. And he had been knocked out more then once in his career as a detective.

Detective Chimp sniffed at the air. Its not musty, though not exactly fresh either. And it carries various smells.

Alcohol. Formaldehyde. Blood too. Old and fresh. Sweat. Fear.

"So. Hang out here often?" Blue Devil asked, just to be annoying. Daniel Cassidy, AKA the Blue Devil leaned against the wall casually. Well, as casual as one can be with their arms hung above their head.

"Have you even tried to escape? Or are you waiting for your chains to rust away?" Detective Chimp growled. He knew the Blue Devil was acting nonchalant just too annoy him. He also knew Daniel had already given the chains a fair bit of tugging. The wall dust at the devils feet was evidence enough. Obviously Doctor Domino knew all about Daniel's strength levels.

"And here I thought you were the brains of the outfit." Blue Devil replied surly.

"And oftentimes excusing of a fault doth make the fault worse by the excuse." Detective Chimp replied.

"Ooh I just felt my chains give a little. Quick, quote more obscure stuff."

Detective Chimp chose to ignore that. "I could pick my shackles if...if I had something sufficiently thin and metallic....."

"Like a key?" Blue Devil asked.

Detective Chimp rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Well yes Daniel. A key would be simply marvelous right now."

"I meant, like the thickness of a key?."

"Thinner actually. Why?"

"I might have something." Blue Devil replied thoughtfully.

One week ago...

The old slaughterhouse was dingy with years of grime and fungal growth. It had not been used in years. Well, not used for its original purpose anyway. Though it had served as a shelter for numerous vagrants and runaways. And at least one serial killer on the run. Unfortunately the latest tenant knew the structure was built on a magical crossroads. And he knew how to manipulate the arcane flow of energies to his will. Dr Charles Iscariot, a mythology professor turned cultist, turned mixed bag of nuts.

Things were going very badly indeed. Blue Devil had arrived too late to save the girl or to interrupt the ceremony. Dr Iscariot had opened a mystic gateway and Hell was pouring into this realm. Lessor demons and vices mostly. The mission was now effectively damage control. Except, except the demons were hanging around for a reason. Something else was coming.

"Agent Devil Is the situation under control?." Lady Frankenstein asked through the ear piece.

"More or less." He grunted, as he punched a small demon off his arm. He half turned and blasted a bigger demon, a look of surprise crossed its face as it is deported back to Hell.

"I prefer more under control Agent Devil." Her voice is curt and business like. And it was starting to grate on his nerves.

The center for this hurricane of insanity was body of a teenage girl. Iscariot's daughter. She had been bound, hand and foot to the cold, slimy floor. Then she had been ritually slaughtered by her father, split from throat to sternum, her organs spilling out. The pool of her lifeblood had become a well of darkness that hurt to look at, and would drive a man mad if he were to stare into it too long. Blue Devil hoped she had been drugged for the ritual. Probably not though. Ghouls like Iscariot loved to hear screams. Probably saved it as his ring tone.

The situation was already becoming untenable when a pair of purple and red tentacles, covered in wet oozing sores and the thickness of small pine trees reach through the gap and begin pushing the sides apart. Making the portal bigger.

"That's never a good sign." He kicked a scaly demon away, blasting bolts of magic at the tentacles.

"Repeat that Agent." She sounded annoyed now. He knew she would rather be in the thick of the fight, instead of operational support.

"Not now. Big demon trying to come through."

"How big?."

"Uh, 'nameless horror from beyond the stars' big."

"Close the portal Agent."

"Novel idea. So glad I have outside support." He blasted at the thing in the portal again. One of the tentacles whipped itself quickly around his waist and tossed him aside like an unwanted toy. He is slammed into the far wall hard enough to make it shudder, and then dropped to the floor, losing his trident somewhere along the way. He landed on a smelly, soggy heap of cardboard and moldy blankets. Some bums old bed. A fetid odor waifs into his face like a diseased cough. Blue Devil looks up to see the mad doctor looming over him, holding his trident.

"Stupid blue creature. The gate can only be closed by a virgin sacrifice." Dr Iscariot did a little dance and slammed the base of the trident into Blue Devils face repeatedly. "I would say 'see you in Hell', but its so cliche, don't you think? Plus, I'm making my own Hell and you're not invited." He spun the trident business end down, and prepared to plunge it into Blue Devils face.

"I'm going the other way actually." Blue Devil grunted as he grabbed the trident by the middle tine, stopping it effortlessly with one hand. He drove his fist into Iscariot's knee, and it made a sick popping sound as it is dislocated. "You know, a lot of people get hung up on magical rites. But magic, especially dark magic, is full of loopholes." Blue Devil said as he drags the howling doctor by his injured leg. "And seeing how your such a fan of Hell, I know you would love to see it up close." He blasted several demons out of his way.

"Agent Devil, Whats the mission status?" Lady F asked, but is ignored.

"You don't know magic-ah as I do. I am a great s-sorcerer. A master of magic. I command you to release me."

"Yeah, master of magic. And I sell insurance." He stops about ten feet short of the gate and speaks a string of words in Latin.

"Agent-- Daniel! Whats happening?"

"Just ringing the dinner bell." He replied. Though he was looking at Iscariot when he said it. Then he turned to the portal and in a louder voice said, "I command this gate to be closed in the name of the seven princes's. In payment I offer a virgin sacrifice. A man who has never died. A death virgin!" He tosses the screaming doctor into the pit. "Now take you friends and get lost."

A hurricane blows through the slaughterhouse then, dragging demons clawing and shrieking back through the portal. Blue Devil feels this wind, but it doesn't even disturb the trash on the floor. Another unwanted reminder of what he is.

"Daniel, can you report?" She sounds worried for the first time.

"Missions over. Bad guy beat, crises averted, world saved, etc." He sighed.

"And Iscariot? Is he is custody?"

"Tossed him down the pit. Where he belongs."

"He possessed valuable knowledge of the mystic arts. You were supposed to bring him in for questioning--"

"So you guys could give him a badge and put him on the payroll?." Blue Devil interrupted angrily.

"It wouldn't be like that Daniel."

"Oh really? You guys employee monsters. This guy was a monster. Come look at his daughters remains if you doubt it."

"Father employees unique individuals of a--"

"You're starting to sound like Father."

"What do you want me to say?" She suddenly sounded tired. "We are the good guys Daniel. We are. But we get intelligence from where we can."

"Yeah. I thought you were the good guys too."

"We'll-- we'll sort this out when you get back."

"Not coming back Lady. Tell Father I quit."

"Daniel--"

"Don't come after me." He dropped the ear piece on the ground and crushes it under his foot. Then he turned and walked into the night.

#2 Posted by dngn4774 (3377 posts) - - Show Bio

Not sure what to think right now. No offense but I kinda feel Lobdelled (lobdelled: some humor, lots of action, but not enough plot movement) with this chapter. I'm sure it wall all make sense in the next issues.

#3 Posted by Referee (8209 posts) - - Show Bio

Another great read, Keep 'em coming,

However the Blue Devil I remember would never kill, You also make me more interested in Detective Chimp.

#4 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

No offense taken. Thanks for the comment. The plot will pick up in the next issue. This was more an intro for BD.

#5 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

@Referee said:

Another great read, Keep 'em coming,

However the Blue Devil I remember would never kill, You also make me more interested in Detective Chimp.

Thanks for the comment. In Mayhem we are given a little leeway with characters. And he didn't technically kill him....

#6 Posted by Joygirl (20135 posts) - - Show Bio
"Ooh i just felt my chains give a little. Quick, quote more obscure stuff".

Bwhahahahha.

Dr Charles Iscariot, a mythology professor turned cultist, turned mixed bag of nuts

Nyahahahhaha.

ritually slaughtered

*knowing smirk*

Probably saved it as his ring tone.

Gwahahhahaha

"Uh, 'nameless horror from beyond the stars' big".

Nffffhhahahaha

Okay, this was pretty funny, and I must say I did enjoy it. Your visceral descriptions were really solid, and as always I enjoy the hell out of your dialogue. There were some minor mistakes with punctuation, and you slid back and forth on occasion between past and present tense, but I can tell you're working on it.

One thing I can specifically point out, that you did every time:

"You're starting to sound like Father".

Should be "You're starting to sound like Father." The period stays within the quotations, as do commas, etc.

#7 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

Glad you liked it. I did try to work in little details. I will get punctuation and tense right someday. Thanks for the comments.

#8 Posted by batkevin74 (11130 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine said:

Detective Chi sniffed at the air. Its not musty, though not exactly fresh either. And it carries various smells.

Asides from the minor typos (which have benn pointed out) and the above bit, which for a second I thought "Who is this new guy?"

@wildvine said:

"Missions over. Bad guy beat, crises averted, world saved, etc." He sighed.

Liked this bit. Good job

#9 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74 said:

@wildvine said:

Detective Chi sniffed at the air. Its not musty, though not exactly fresh either. And it carries various smells.

Asides from the minor typos (which have been pointed out) and the above bit, which for a second I thought "Who is this new guy?"

This morning i decided to do an edit and just call him Detective Chimp rather then D.C to avoid confusion. And caused confusion anyway. : P

Thanks for the comments.

#10 Posted by batkevin74 (11130 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Bump?

#11 Posted by Delphic (1528 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774 said:

I kinda feel Lobdelled (lobdelled: some humor, lots of action, but not enough plot movement)

This kind of sums up how I felt after reading this chapter, but maybe with a little difference. You didn't do a bad job, because you do have a pretty solid piece of story telling. You're dialogue is good, and your execution of humor is fantastic.

I took a little bit of issue with it towards the end of the tale though. It had to do with Blue Devil's decision, regarding his employment, at the end of the chapter. It felt a little forced because there was something about the death of this girl, and the actions taken by the agency he works for that factors into his decision. Usually when a person does what BD does, they've had enough, and I wasn't feeling that coming from BD. A young woman was killed, and I don't really know why he cares so deeply? Does he value life? Did he know the girl? Also it didn't feel like he really cared about what he did to Iscariot either. It read less like the end of a monster and more like tossing a soiled rag into the trash.

I guess my problem here is that I'm not feeling a real connection with your protagonist, Blue Devil. The Blue Devil portion of this story needs to be an insight into the character of Blue Devil. We need to see what makes him tick. What he likes or doesn't like? How he feels? Why does he like that tacky looking goatee he wears all the time? Stuff like that. You focused more on the action and less on the character. You do it pretty well with Detective Chimp and it would seem like the situations with DC are a little less chaotic. (DC fought off drunk, BD fought an oncoming maelstrom of the legions of hell). Your focus on character needs to be pretty equal no matter what the situation.

Now overall, let me say once again this is not a bad story. I mean that. You write very well, but sometimes you seem to struggle just a little bit. On some minor issues. Anyway, I hope I haven't come across as too harsh, and I'm looking forward to your next issue.

#12 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

I enjoyed the fast pacing in this and the quick back and forth between your characters during the battle -- lots of movement and action which is hard to get across because sometimes readers kind of glass over the live scenes but in this instance, you keep your reader paced and following the story with great environment description.

A great addition and I really laughed out loud at this line:

"Uh, 'nameless horror from beyond the stars' big."

Perfectly executed, lol!

#13 Edited by Delphic (1528 posts) - - Show Bio

#14 Posted by ImpurestCheese (5737 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Wow Blue Devil is deadly. Hecate deadly in fact. Detective Chimp is still my favourite though

#15 Edited by dngn4774 (3377 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: By Father I'm assuming you mean Father Time. If so, does this mean that Daniel was one of the Creature Commandos or just an Agent of S.H.A.D.E.?

#16 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774:

Finally! I didn't think anyone was ever going to catch that. I was toying with the idea of doing Creature Commado's, and this was a cheap back door if I went that way.

#17 Edited by dngn4774 (3377 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Hate to correct your grammar again but Commandos doesn't have an apostrophe (no possession, just plural). Also try to pay attention between the usage of commas and periods. I know what you're trying to mean when you make a super short sentence fragment but it's slightly awkward to read.

BTW I was also toying with the idea of doing Creature Commandos back with DCRC, before things got stale. Probably the only reason I caught it.

#18 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio
#19 Posted by dngn4774 (3377 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: If you ever need help on it I could try to help plot it if you decide to take that route, but I won't have the time to write it.

#20 Posted by wildvine (10334 posts) - - Show Bio

@dngn4774:

I'm probably not going that way anyway.