#1 Posted by punkpuppy3 (178 posts) - - Show Bio

DC Mayhem Presents: Action Comics #1- Young Justice

Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to DC. But the story is mine.

Blüdhaven-

There is a light rain coming down on the city. A woman with brown hair, blue eyes,with a black purse, wearing a trench coat, and heels pulls out a black umbrella from her purse and opens it up. She continues to walk down the street. Then whenever she walks past an alley and a hand comes out and grabs pulling her into the alley and dropping the umbrella. She is forced against a brick wall by three men all wearing black ski masks, black jackets, jeans, black gloves and boots.

ROBBER 1: Hey there.

WOMAN: Please don't hurt me!

ROBBER 2: Shh. We're not gonna hurt. We just want your money is all.

WOMAN: Here take it!

She hands her purse to one of the robbers and he takes it. The woman goes to walk away but another robber stops her.

ROBBER 3: Not so fast. Didn't say we were done with you yet.

WOMAN: Wait what?! No!

She try to run away but a robber grabs her a forces her to the wall again.

WOMAN: AAHH--

On of the robbers covers her mouth. Suddenly a black eskrima stick with one side with a bird shaped head knocks him across the face and knock him to the ground. The woman quickly runs out of the alley and turns onto the street and continues running.

ROBBER 1: What the Hell was that?

ROBBER 2: Don't know.

One of the robbers pulls out a gun and the other pulls out a knife. Out of the shadows a caucasian man with short black hair, a black domino mask that makes his eyes look white, a black unitard that seems to be padded on the chest and abdomen, black boots, black knee pads, black gloves with small blue pouches at the ends,a black utility belt with a large black pouch in the back, and he is holding a eskrima stick in his right hand that looks a lot like the other one.

ROBBER 1: Damn, it's Nightwing!

NIGHTWING: Didn't you're parents tell you how to treat a lady?

ROBBER 2: No, but mine taught me how to shoot a gun.

The robber shoots the gun at Nightwing but he dodges it. Nightwing charges at the robbers with his eskrima stick and knocks the knife out of the one robbers hand. Nightwing then takes the robber head and slams his face into the brick wall. The other robber points his gun at Nightwing but a silver lasso wraps around robbers hand and pulls him toward the shadow. Then a hand with a silver bracelet comes out and punches the robbers face knocking him unconscious. Nightwing lets the other robber drop to the ground and turns to the shadows. He gets a smile on his face.

NIGHTWING: Didn't know you were in town.

A woman walks out from the shadows. She has Caucasian skin color, black hair, cyan eyes, silver bracelets, silver star earrings, a silver armlet on each bicep, a black camisole, black pants, a black chocker with a silver gem, a sliver belt, silvers boots, a silver lasso attached to her belt, and the black on her camisole and pants have glowing silver dots on it.

WOMAN: Hey, what can I say? I'm full of surprises.

NIGHTWING: How have you been, Donna?

DONNA: I've been better. How about you?

NIGHTWING: Well I---

NOISE: *Beep* *Beep*

Donna takes a cell phone out of her boot and it.

DONNA: Damn. Listen I got a job interview but maybe tomorrow we can have lunch?

NIGHTWING: Um, sure. Where at?

DONNA: My place.

NIGHTWING: I don't know where you live.

DONNA: You're the detective you do the math. See ya!

Donna flies up into the air and takes off in a different direction. Nightwing looks up in the air and smile. He then picks up his other eskrima stick and points it at a building and the bird shaped head detaches with a cord at another building and swings into the air.

Unknown-

In a dark from with a bed, one light, and a wall covered with newspaper articles of superheroes. Some of the pictures of heroes are crossed out with a red "X" or are circled. A shadowy figure with spiked hair is working on some sort of technology. He then puts on a silver colored gauntlet. He then points it at the wall and fires a blue energy is fired from it and leaves a burnt hole in the wall. The shadowy figure then menacingly smiles.

Washington D.C. (The next day)-

Donna is in the kitchen of her apartment pouring two glasses of water and places them on a table. She is wearing a purple long sleeved t-shirt, jeans, and flats. On the plates is chicken, mashed potatoes and cut up apples.

NOISE: *Knock* *Knock*

Donna wipes her hands on cloth and then walks over to the door. She walks and Nightwing is at the door. He is wearing a blue unbuttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a black t-shirt, jeans, and black shoes.

DONNA: Now that wasn't so bad was it, Dick?

DICK: I actually just followed you home from the grocery store.

DONNA: Cheater.

Donna walks back into her apartment and Dick follows her. He shuts the door behind him. Donna is back in the kitchen and she grabs a cup of gravy from the microwave.

DONNA: So, you wanna tell me how you've been?

DICK: Well I'm settling into Blüdhaven nicely.

Donna walks over to the table places the cup down and sits down at one end of the table and Dick sits at the other end. They both start eating.

DONNA: Is it nice having a city of your own?

DICK: Yeah, kinda. Its a lot of responsibility but I like it.

DONNA: And?

DICK: And?

DONNA: Anything else you want to tell me about? or anyone?

DICK: Donna, it's not exactly easy to have a relationship, protect a city, and try to keep a job.

DONNA: Tell that to Barbara Gordon.

DICK: We are just friends.

DONNA: Mhmm sure.

DICK: And what about your love life?

Donna looks down at her plate and swirls her spoon in her mashed potatoes.

DONNA: You know us Amazons, Dick. All about being single.

DICK: That didn't stop you and Roy did it?

DONNA: I was young.

DICK: Mhmm sure.

Blüdhaven-

In the streets a boy in a red hoodie with the hood up, a large backpack, jeans, and sneakers is walking casually. His mouth can be seen making another menacing smile. He continues to walk down the street until he reaches a cross walk. He goes about half way down the cross walk, and stops. He takes off his backpack, kneels on the ground, opens it, and puts his hand in looking for something. A truck is stopped in front of him and is angrily honking his horn.

TRUCK DRIVER: Hey, kid move it!

The boy takes his hand out with the gauntlet he had on before pointing it at the truck driver glowing red.

Washington D.C.-

Dick and Donna are cleaning up the table putting things back in the kitchen.

DONNA: You know you didn't have to help me clean up.

DICK: Well you saved me in the alley so I think I owe you.

DONNA: Thanks. Your dates with Barbara are probably better though.

DICK: Shut up.

Donna walks over to the nightstand next to her couch, grabs the remote, turns the TV on, and starts to flip through channels.

DICK: We should do this again. You know…all of us.

DONNA: Dick, I know that--

VOICE: We interrupt the prod cast to bring you an import news broadcast.

Dick and Donna turn their heads to the TV to see a Asian woman in a suit sitting down with a video of a boy with brown hair, googles, a superman t-shirt, two silver gauntlets glowing red, jeans, a silver jetpack, a torn black cape, and sneakers standing over a bloody man.

TV REPORTER: Just a few minutes ago a young boy started attacking the streets of Blüdhaven just a few minutes ago and already killed one man.

Dick and Donna stand there in shock.

DICK: Damnit…

To Be Continued...

#2 Posted by Joygirl (19524 posts) - - Show Bio

This isn't too bad. Has a few issues. I am normally not a big fan of scripts but I suppose that's my problem, but your description could use a little work. An example:

She has Caucasian skin color, black hair, cyan eyes, silver bracelets, silver star earrings, a silver armlet on each bicep, a black camisole, black pants, a black chocker with a silver gem, a sliver belt, silvers boots, a silver lasso attached to her belt, and the black on her camisole and pants have glowing silver dots on it.

Sentences like that are just... bad. Generally, if you want to completely extrapolate on an outfit, I've found that the best way is to either insert an image (the easy way out) or to slowly slip in small references to various articles of clothing, i.e. "she gently tilted her black-chokered neck, popping a few vertebrae", or some such.

I did like the buildup though, and the appearance of this new villain was interesting, I enjoyed your use of foreshadowing. Take a look at inserting description a little more subtly, though, instead of making it kinda look like a shopping list.

#3 Posted by punkpuppy3 (178 posts) - - Show Bio

Ok I like the feed back and I'll keep it in mind later! Thanks

#4 Posted by Hoenhime (137 posts) - - Show Bio

That was nice. When's the next issue coming up?

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (10615 posts) - - Show Bio

@punkpuppy3 said:

Suddenly a black eskrima stick with one side with a bird shaped head knocks him across the face and knock him to the ground.

This sentence is a little, well odd. Maybe "From the darkness, a black eskrima stick with a stylised bird shape on the end, smacked him in the face and sent him to the ground" For example

@punkpuppy3 said:

Nightwing looks up in the air and smile.

Needs to be smiles :)

@punkpuppy3 said:

The boy takes his hand out with the gauntlet he had on before pointing it at the truck driver glowing red.

This sentence doesn't really make sense, I get what you mean but as written...

Now onto the praise: Good stuff. I do like the familiarity that Dick & Donna have with each other. Also the previous relationship she had with Roy (that avenue should be explored). Looking forward to part 2

#6 Posted by punkpuppy3 (178 posts) - - Show Bio

um whenever I write (which will probably soon)

thanks for the critiquing! I'll defiantly explore with what happened in the past a (and if this continues you'll defiantly see what happened a long time ago)

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (10615 posts) - - Show Bio

@punkpuppy3: Cool

#8 Posted by wildvine (9112 posts) - - Show Bio

Pretty good aside from what the other people have pointed out. I would add that you said "Just a few minutes ago" twice near the end.

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#9 Posted by batkevin74 (10615 posts) - - Show Bio

@punkpuppy3:

#10 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1652 posts) - - Show Bio

@punkpuppy3: Any more of this? This was quite excellent, not a big reader of scripts but this was an exception to the rule. Well done!