People honestly think anyone can join the Legion…and you’re right, anyone can. There’s a core of super stars; Brainiac 5, Timber Wolf, Triplicate/Duplicate Girl etc and then there’s over 75,000 reservists, non-combatants, tech support and sideliners. I’m one of those sideliners for a reason. I have a semi-useless super power and I fight like 5yr old having a tantrum! Sure every Legionnaire gets a fight against Karate Kid, that’s mainly for his benefit to say he can beat everyone and also so he can guide you on where you need work. My paper work was stamped K-grade, which is polite for uncoordinated jelly wrestler. But I have watched every single episode of Norris Walker: Missing Delta Eye Wolf Kommando! Norris Walker could beat Batman, Karate Kid and Lobo with one hand; Superman & Mon-El with the other and the Lantern Corps with his beard! So I know how to fight…if only this was television.
I look around the arena to see about twenty others in my similar predicament. We’re all chained to concrete poles and the crowd is chanting “Rouge Reynard! Rouge Reynard!” Saxen, the purple bully who got me into this mess when I was just trying to ask him a question slowly stands and a hush falls over the crowd. He raised his hands like he’s conducting an orchestra.
“Excuse me?” I yelled out across the silence “But I don’t belong here!”
The crowd slowly burst into laughter at my apparent joke and the scowl etches into Saxen’s face. He promptly sits and waves his hand and at the far end of the arena a large metal door opens
“Well done moron!” yells a woman chained up on my right
“He was going to let us go!”
“How was I supposed to know?!?” I yelled at her “This is my first time in your stupid country and I didn’t know that the purple jerk lets people go, did I? I’m not from around here…AT ALL!”
I glanced up to see these beasts charge into the arena and head towards the nearest poles. They were shaggy red creatures, about 5ft tall at the shoulder, about seven foot long and basically the kind of thing you’d get if you dipped a normal everyday fox into a barrel of nuclear waste and then let Dr Regulus & Zymyr tinker with it; a giant mutated crimson fox! There were five of them and twenty of us but we were chained and they were, well giant mutated crimson foxes that ate people, these weren’t good odds!
I pulled at the chains and found they had some give in them which allowed me to move a few feet from the pole. I heard the crowd roar in approval as the foxes tore some people to pieces, savages! Out of the twenty there were twelve, no eleven left and two started heading my way. This had better work and I know it should work because I saw it on the Archive Feeds: What To Do If Your Trapped Special. The Special went through fifteen different scenarios about being trapped in various places and events. It was hosted by Barr Grill, a human nutcase with no fear of man nor beast nor climate! He showed a clip where a man was trapped in an arena like this one. The footage came from a man came George who said he’d gotten it a long time ago and from far far away, which is probably the planet Panoptes. The man was attacked by three creatures and he used the pole and the chains to beat them all and ride off on one of the creatures…I hope I remember what to do!
A Rouge Reynard leapt at me, I closed my eyes and jumped hoping it would go under me, hit the pole and be rendered unconscious. Well it kinda happened like that. I jumped and took off, my captors obviously thinking I could fly naturally didn’t even bother to take my flight ring. Which is good and bad, coz I shot straight up and then nearly tore my arms out of their sockets as the chain whipped me back down to earth and THUMP I landed on the big shaggy creature cracking its skull with my body! That was the most awesome unintentional stunt I’d ever done! The crowd booed and the four other Reynard’s left their easy pickings to come together to take me out.
“Okay Kerek think” I started talking to myself trying not to panic “Don’t let on about the ring otherwise they’ll take it. What do you do hotshot? What do you DO?”
Two reached me before the other two and came in from the left and right. I tightened the chain and ran up the pole in a speed rope climb assisted by the ring; the two Reynard’s cracked into the pole. The other two joined them and they circled the pole like sharks. I hauled myself to the top of the pole and balanced carefully on top. The crowd booed more but there were some cheers. Saxen looked angry, so I gave him the victory sign the English use to give the French during the Hundred Years War that lasted longer than 100yrs ironically. The Reynard’s started scurrying up the pole, like when dogs try to climbs fences. Given some more momentum and …oh great they’re taking a run up!
The Reynards started getting higher up the pole. This was getting scarier! I looked the distance and thought I could possibly try a Flying Grayson on them when I noticed the top of the chain was simply hooked over a spike here at the top. I unhooked the chain, I was free! And I had a weapon! I spun the chain and as the Reynard’s came up I smacked them on the nose with the chain. It took about three hits on each before they gave up and went off to each easier prey. The crowd roared in approval and Saxen was visibly shaking. He leapt into the arena and landed at the foot of my pole. The crowd went nuts
“YOU WILL DIE SCREAMING UNDER MY HEEL!” he said as his voice echoed across the arena. He formed out of thin air an energy sword that covered his right hand “I WILL WEAR YOUR SKIN”
“That’s all kinds of wrong!” I was terrified, slightly chained but hopefully I had an out with my ring and I’d go straight up, up and away!
“WHAT IS YOUR TITLE LITTLE THING?”
“I’m Kerek” I said staring into his weird green eyes.
“KEREK THE WHAT?”
“I don’t understand your question?” I slipped off one shackle from my wrist.
“I AM SAXEN THE PEELER OF SOULS, FLAYER OF SKIN AND EATER OF THE YOUNG!” The crowd roared in approval as he played up to them.
“Umm okay I’m Kerek Sjaastad the legionnaire, giver of migraines and escaper of giant purple idiots who talk too much!”
“WHAT IS A MIGRAINE?”
“Let me show you” I pointed my fingers at him and I let loose with my power. Now the reason I don’t use my power that often is because whatever I dish out, I get three times back in return. But in this case it was going to be worth it. I hit him with a thunderclap headache which is exactly how it sounds.
Saxen grabbed his head and roared like an animal. I could see his lobes pulsing, which could’ve been bad because if he’d been brainless or a construct I’d just be pantomiming like an idiot. Saxen fell to his knees, tears streaming from his eyes as he felt his brain thumped against his skull as every nerve ending pulsed and he started to cough.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?”
“Just using your own body against you” I said “If pain persists…GOOD!” I took to the air and got the hell out of there…As if! I got about twenty feet in the air and Saxen jumped up after me and caught my chain and slammed me into the ground with a sickening thump!
“YOU WILL DIE SCREAMING UNDER MY HEEL!” He roared as he raised his foot to crush me