#1 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

This is the first chapter in my long short story/short novel. It's a murder mystery story.

CHAPTER ONE: BUSINESS AS USUAL

It was eleven thirty at night when I returned to the hotel. My rain-soaked trenchcoat clung to my body, and every inch of exposed skin was freezing. The hotel offered little warmth, but it would have to do. Ice cold water filled my shoes and tapped the ground from my coat like a faucet drip. I took a quick sip of my coffee to try and warm up. It didn't help.

I surveyed the place quickly. The hotel stank of cheap wine and aftershave. The lobby was highly decorated with pricy leather furniture. Painting of all sorts adorned the wall, including one of the building's founder over the fireplace. The walls alone seemed to be worth their weight in gold. This place was for the wealthy and I wasn't invited.

Off to the left side stood a maid being questioned by two cops. A translator stood next to one of them. My guess would be she didn't speak any English. The stairway off to the right was plastered with red tape.

As if in cue, my partner Brock hustled down the steps. He was younger than me, but then again, most people I come across are. He wasn't quite a rookie, but he hadn't had his big break. He didn't know how tough this business could be...yet.

He was shorter than me, yet in much better physical condition. And again, most people are. Brock approached me and offered a firm handshake.

"What do we got?" I asked in my usual stern voice.

"A...dead body, sir." he told me in a puzzled tone.

"I know that." I rolled my eyes and told him to walk with me. We made our way past the red tape to the hotel room. I took another sip of the coffee. Its temperature had dropped already. "We got any identification yet?" I asked.

"No..." he told me, his voice trailing off.

"Evidence?" I asked lightning quick. I didn't have time to beat around the bush.

"We found a pad of paper and a pen. Blood stain on the paper." Brock's voice was almost robotic. He had been trained well but he wasn't invested in what he was doing.

Gradually we approached the room. "Blood stain on the paper." he continued to report, "I sent it to forensics for DNA analysis."

"Anything on the paper?" I asked. We traded questions. Just business as usual.

"A list of crimes the dead man committed, sir...at least nine murders."

When we finally arrived my hand reached for the door- but it froze at Brock's words.

"Wait!" he warned, his voice full of alarm, "I have to warn you. It's pretty disturbing."

I shot him a look as if to say 'are you kidding me?' and proceeded to open the door. "Growing up on the streets gives you your fair share of horrors. I'm sure I can handle..." my voice tailed off at the sight, "this...."

On the ground lay an African American, his face swollen twice it's usual size with purple bruises. His body was twisted and mangled. His right foot nearly touched his head. His right index finger was missing. Limbs were bent in several places. I counted at least fourteen fractures. Deep cuts adorned his body and held blood like a series of cups. A pool of crimson had seeped onto the hardwood floor. At least three vital organs could be seen. I struggled to keep my dinner in my belly.

Brock crouched over the body and examined it with catlike curiosity. He pulled out a few tools and began a rough autopsy. "A bullet through the brain, the heart, and the spine." he noted. "Don't see why whoever did this went to the trouble after all this--"

"It's a message." I cut him off. He turned his gaze over to me, still in his crouching position. He tilted his head slightly to the side. "What?"

"It's a message. He's saying this guy is a cowardly, heartless idiot.”

Brock let out a small chuckle and continued his autopsy."You think he was a Wizard of Oz fan?"

My eyes dug into his soul with a mind numbing stare. He shut up quick and went back to his work again.

I had seen enough. Just looking at the body washed away whatever cold I had before. My stomach felt like it had a weight in it that kept churning. I pivoted backwards and made my way to the door. Just when I took a step forward I heard the sound of loafers against a hard wood floor. A familiar voice sounded. "His name is Louie Russo." he said. "He was a hired killer for the Lombardi Crime family...or was." he let out a small cough. In the doorway stood Commissioner Mason. He soon invited himself in and paced around the room. "Whoever did this hated him.” Obviously. “I mean, they could have shot him and been done with it." He cast a sorrowful glance over at the body. By now the pool of blood surrounding him had dried into a thick paste. "Instead they took the time to do this."

"But he deserved it." Brock chimed in. "Didn't...he?" he said, less sure of himself. "I mean...he killed others in the past...he had this coming, right?"

When he spoke my blood began to boil and my skin crawled. My eyes lit up with anger. I let out a long sigh to try and contain myself. "Murder is murder, kid. It doesn't matter who did it or who the victim is."

Mason slapped me on the back and smiled warmly while he made his way around me. "Always stoic, aren't you, Jack?" he made his way for the door and made a final remark on his way out. "Since you and your partner seem so heavily invested in this case...I'd like to assign it to you." With a bang the door slammed shut.

I buried my face in my hands. "Christ..." I muttered. Without looking I made a quick motion to Brock, "Go fetch me another coffee, kid...it's going to be a long night."

I cracked my knuckles loudly. Just business as usual...

*** *** ***

I walked briskly outside, my trenchcoat wrapped tightly around me for warmth. The rain whipped in my face and stung my eye. It was a long night for investigations. I had to get to my car and I could barely see! I felt a slight bump as I passed by to see a lean skinny man walking past me. His press pass fluttered in the cool breeze. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, PAL!" I shouted to him.

"SAME TO YOU, BUDDY!" he shouted with a bitter tone in his voice. He jammed his hands into his pocket and started towards the hotel. Boy was he in for a surprise.

I fumbled with my keys for a good half a minute before managing to unlock my car. First thing I did was turn on the heat and press my hands against the A.C. I knew I had to get out of Chicago. It was going to be the death of me.

#2 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

Please read and comment

#3 Posted by The Poet (8170 posts) - - Show Bio

you had me at murder mystery :P

Very cool! I can't wait to read more!

Moderator
#4 Posted by batkevin74 (11224 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

1) As if in cue, my partner Brock hustled down the steps. He was younger than me, but then again, most people I come across are. He wasn't quite a rookie, but he hadn't had his big break. He didn't know how tough this business could be...yet.

He was shorter than me, yet in much better physical condition. And again, most people are. Brock approached me and offered a firm handshake.

2) He pulled out a few tools and began a rough autopsy. "A bullet through the brain, the heart, and the spine." he noted. "Don't see why whoever did this went to the trouble after all this--"

"It's a message." I cut him off. He turned his gaze over to me, still in his crouching position. He tilted his head slightly to the side. "What?"

"It's a message. He's saying this guy is a cowardly, heartless idiot.”

3) The rain whipped in my face and stung my eye. It was a long night for investigations. I had to get to my car and I could barely see! I felt a slight bump as I passed by to see a lean skinny man walking past me. His press pass fluttered in the cool breeze.

Overall its good. 3 points I have for you:

1) This could all be one paragraph. No need to break it up, especially when you end the first part with "He didn't know how tough this business could be...yet."

2) His partner doing a rough autopsy...cops guesstimate, forensic examiners do autopsy's. Also his statement "cowardly, heartless idiot" doesn't really ring true for some reason, maybe its just me

3) The guy is the killer, the man who bumped him is the killer. He'll spend the next three chapters working that out.

#5 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@The Poet said:

you had me at murder mystery :P

Very cool! I can't wait to read more!

thank you!

@batkevin74 said:

@primepower53 said:

1) As if in cue, my partner Brock hustled down the steps. He was younger than me, but then again, most people I come across are. He wasn't quite a rookie, but he hadn't had his big break. He didn't know how tough this business could be...yet.

He was shorter than me, yet in much better physical condition. And again, most people are. Brock approached me and offered a firm handshake.

2) He pulled out a few tools and began a rough autopsy. "A bullet through the brain, the heart, and the spine." he noted. "Don't see why whoever did this went to the trouble after all this--"

"It's a message." I cut him off. He turned his gaze over to me, still in his crouching position. He tilted his head slightly to the side. "What?"

"It's a message. He's saying this guy is a cowardly, heartless idiot.”

3) The rain whipped in my face and stung my eye. It was a long night for investigations. I had to get to my car and I could barely see! I felt a slight bump as I passed by to see a lean skinny man walking past me. His press pass fluttered in the cool breeze.

Overall its good. 3 points I have for you:

1) This could all be one paragraph. No need to break it up, especially when you end the first part with "He didn't know how tough this business could be...yet."

2) His partner doing a rough autopsy...cops guesstimate, forensic examiners do autopsy's. Also his statement "cowardly, heartless idiot" doesn't really ring true for some reason, maybe its just me

3) The guy is the killer, the man who bumped him is the killer. He'll spend the next three chapters working that out.

thanks for critiquing. Glad you liked it.

#6 Posted by kfhrfdu_89_76k (3653 posts) - - Show Bio

This is my faf of all the stuff you`ve written. I hope it gets even better.

I like to think that when the main protagonist sees the body, he accidently pours his coffee to the floor. Just wanted to share that one.

#7 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@kfhrfdu_89_76k: thanks!

@batkevin74 said:

@primepower53 said:

3) The guy is the killer, the man who bumped him is the killer. He'll spend the next three chapters working that out.

Just noticed that last comment. Sorry to disappoint but no.

#8 Posted by TheWholeDamnShow (758 posts) - - Show Bio

Awesome job!

I got a Noir vibe from this, which is a plus.

Murder Mysteries are always awesome.

#9 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio
#10 Posted by TheWholeDamnShow (758 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@TheWholeDamnShow said:

Awesome job!

I got a Noir vibe from this, which is a plus.

Murder Mysteries are always awesome.

thanks, man!

Also, just saying, the Update On The Summer Vacations of Some Superheroes (FanFic) awards are up

Just spreading the word...

O_o

haha I think you gave me the wrong link, but I think I know what you're talking about. Thanks.

#11 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio
#12 Posted by TheWholeDamnShow (758 posts) - - Show Bio
#13 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio
#14 Posted by TheWholeDamnShow (758 posts) - - Show Bio
#15 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@TheWholeDamnShow: too late.

O_______O

My eyes are burning.

and my mind is numb.

I feel nothing whatsoever.

I am dead inside.

#16 Edited by TheWholeDamnShow (758 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: At least i'm not the only one in the fetal position.

EDIT:

This guy's blogs are crazy. I'm following him.

#17 Edited by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio
#18 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

Your first three sentences could all easily be one big paragraph, instead of broken up like you have. It's to get that spy/noir feel right? I can see why you've done it but it may read better as one whole paragraph. You propose an very cool idea for a serial killer though with the Wizard of Oz motif (to any would be serial killers out there DON'T! You'll get caught!) Good writing

#19 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: thanks!

I have 15+ pages of notes on how I want this story to go.

#20 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

please read this.

#21 Posted by poze (225 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53: WOW! Awesome! I like the "real"Noir feeling!

#22 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio
#23 Posted by Time_Phantom (539 posts) - - Show Bio

Very good. No real complaints here. It's paced very well kept me interested. On to chapter 2!

Online
#24 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@Time_Phantom said:

Very good. No real complaints here. It's paced very well kept me interested. On to chapter 2!

glad you liked it!

Hope you like chapter two as well!

#25 Posted by SyIar (405 posts) - - Show Bio

This is great.

I have a bad feeling about Mason. I don't know why, but I feel like he's going to have a bigger part in this case.

Also liked the whole spineless, idiotic, heartless bit. It was smart and original, which is really uncommon when it comes to serial killers. Again, great job!

#26 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@SyIar said:

This is great.

I have a bad feeling about Mason. I don't know why, but I feel like he's going to have a bigger part in this case.

Also liked the whole spineless, idiotic, heartless bit. It was smart and original, which is really uncommon when it comes to serial killers. Again, great job!

thanks!

The whole Wizard of Oz thing came out of nowhere. I had planned something completely different to be the message when I plotted this, but when I went to write it I was wrote that and was like "WOAH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"

I wanted to throw in a third vital organ but I wasn't sure what others could signify anything. Then it popped into my head that I could use that Wizard of Oz reference, and I thought to myself "BRILLIANT!" and proceeded to write it.

This episode of Inside the Mind of primepower53 has been brought to you by primepower53. :P

#27 Posted by SyIar (405 posts) - - Show Bio

@primepower53 said:

@SyIar said:

This is great.

I have a bad feeling about Mason. I don't know why, but I feel like he's going to have a bigger part in this case.

Also liked the whole spineless, idiotic, heartless bit. It was smart and original, which is really uncommon when it comes to serial killers. Again, great job!

thanks!

The whole Wizard of Oz thing came out of nowhere. I had planned something completely different to be the message when I plotted this, but when I went to write it I was wrote that and was like "WOAH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"

I wanted to throw in a third vital organ but I wasn't sure what others could signify anything. Then it popped into my head that I could use that Wizard of Oz reference, and I thought to myself "BRILLIANT!" and proceeded to write it.

This episode of Inside the Mind of primepower53 has been brought to you by primepower53. :P

The writing Gods would be pleased :P

#28 Posted by primepower53 (5591 posts) - - Show Bio

@SyIar said:

@primepower53 said:

@SyIar said:

This is great.

I have a bad feeling about Mason. I don't know why, but I feel like he's going to have a bigger part in this case.

Also liked the whole spineless, idiotic, heartless bit. It was smart and original, which is really uncommon when it comes to serial killers. Again, great job!

thanks!

The whole Wizard of Oz thing came out of nowhere. I had planned something completely different to be the message when I plotted this, but when I went to write it I was wrote that and was like "WOAH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"

I wanted to throw in a third vital organ but I wasn't sure what others could signify anything. Then it popped into my head that I could use that Wizard of Oz reference, and I thought to myself "BRILLIANT!" and proceeded to write it.

This episode of Inside the Mind of primepower53 has been brought to you by primepower53. :P

The writing Gods would be pleased :P

indeed they would