#1 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

Okay first I wan't to say that this isn't a Fan-Fic. So if if you get angry when people post Non Fan-Fic stuff. You might wan't to just go away. Actually if you read this, comment and then go away. I'd be grateful. Anyways, like always, hope you enjoy.

This is Rated T

___

You know how you see all those movies where when someone dies they see all their lives "flash" before their eyes. Well to put it simply, that stuff is all a load of crap. You don't even get to see the important stuff. You don't get to relive that time when you hooked up with your high school crush at the homecoming dance. You don't get to see your parent's proud faces when you present them with straight A's. You can't remember how happy you where when you finally learned to ride a bike. You can't smell the cookies only your grandma could make. No, instead I got the short end of the stick. I was forced to remember things like, how I used to be picked on in grade school. Things like walking home in the burning day. Things like opening the fridge and realizing that my younger brother had drunk the last Sprite. Things like taking a shower. How lame is that the last things I see before I kick the bucket where some of the most meaningless things in my life. Maybe I hadn't done much. But I had done more than that. I wish it had been like the movies, I wish I could have seen all the stuff, even the bad. I wish I could have seen it. Just one last time.

Mostly I just wish I had something to do. I guess this is purgatory. Better than the crazy Dante's Inferno version I suppose. You just kind of float here, in the dark. It feels fresh though, that's a good thing. It's like being submerged in black water. It's tranquil and scary at the same time. You don't get control your body. You just hover in the center, waiting. Well I guess it's the center. I can't se far enough in any direction to figure out wheter one of my sides is closer to something than another. My blood circles my body like scarlet thread stitching my corpse back together. I don't know why. It's not like I have somewhere to go. At least I no longer look like a wretched mess. Well not entirely.

I find myself hoping that something happens soon. I wonder if something will happen. Maybe God will reach into this dark pool and pull me out. Maybe I'll slowly regain control of my body and swim to the surface, whichever direction that may be. What if I just have to sit here forever, and spend my time waiting on something that is never coming. There sure are a lot of if's, but one thing is for sure Death Sucks. "

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#2 Posted by SyIar (405 posts) - - Show Bio

Wow. I like this. Great reincarnation of Purgatory.

#3 Posted by primepower53 (5686 posts) - - Show Bio

Cool!

#4 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

@SyIar: Glad you liked it. Thanks

@primepower53: Thank you!

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#5 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

Bump?

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#6 Edited by xxYoungFatexx (99 posts) - - Show Bio

It was an interesting story. Here is my edit:

You know how you see all those movies where when someone dies they see all their lives "flash" before their eyes. Well to put it simply, that stuff is all a load of crap. You don't even get to see the important stuff. You don't get to relive that time when you hooked up with your high school crush at the homecoming dance. You don't get to see your parent's proud faces when you present them with straight A's. You can't remember how happy you were when you finally learned to ride a bike. You can't smell the cookies only your grandma could make. No, instead I got the short end of the stick. I was forced (passive voice) to remember things like, how I used to be picked on in grade school. Things like walking home in the burning day. Things like opening the fridge and realizing that my younger brother had drunk the last Sprite (missing space). Things like taking a shower. How lame is that the last things I see before I kick the bucket where some of the most meaningless things in my life. Maybe I hadn't done much. But I had done more than that. I wish it had been like the movies, I wish I could have seen all the stuff, even the bad. I wish I could have seen it. Just one last time (Fragment).

Mostly I just wish I had something to do. I guess this is purgatory. Better than the crazy Dante's Inferno version, I suppose. You just kind of float here, in the dark. It feels fresh though, that is (Me being meticulous xD) a good thing. It's like being submerged in black water. , tranquil and scary at the same time. You don't control your body. You just hover in the center, waiting. Well I guess it's the center. I can't see (SP) far enough in any direction to figure out whether (SP) one of my sides is closer to something than another. My blood circles my body like scarlet thread stitching my corpse back together. I don't know why. It's not like I have somewhere to go. At least I no longer look like a wretched mess. Well not entirely (Fragment – this will fix it: Well not entirely….).

I find myself hoping that something happens soon. I wonder if something will happen. Maybe God will reach into this dark pool and pull me out. Maybe I'll slowly regain control of my body and swim to the surface, whichever direction that may be. What if I just have to sit here forever, and spend my time waiting on something that is never coming (This is a fragment if it is not a question). There sure are many ifs, but one thing is for sure, Death Sucks. "

If this was someone's statement, I am confused why you did not begin with a quotation. This means the reader has no idea when it began, but we can imply that it began fairly soon with "You know."

Like I said, this was an interesting story. However, I feel your repetition was good yet bad at the same time. In my opinion, you used it too much.

Starting with same word, You or Things - 7 Times

Within those same sentence opener, you used the same word next - 5 times

This just seems too much, in my opinion. I would look into removing a few of them.

#7 Posted by Irishlad (572 posts) - - Show Bio

Very interesting read is this going to be a series or just a one off?

#8 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

@xxYoungFatexx: I understand, but the repetition was entirely on purpose. As for the grammar stuff. I wanted to write it like a guy who was actually dead and not like a writer. Regardless, I appreciate your input.

@Irishlad: Originally, I thought about making it a series, but since I wasn't sure whether or not people would like it. I decided to try and write something that was capable of standing alone. I will more than likely write a prologue at least, A freind of mine wanted to find out how he died. So I will probably do that.

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#9 Posted by feebadger (1407 posts) - - Show Bio

I really liked this Project Worm/ I can see what you are doing with your language in tis piece and agree with you that most of YoungFates' corrections were probably unnecessary as you are writing in a specific 'voice'. Grammar tends to go out the window when using this approach. Would love to see this continue. Reads like a prologue to something really good to me.

#10 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

@feebadger: Glad you liked it man. Like I said above I will more than likely end up writing the character's last day, so I guess just keep a look out or that.

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#11 Posted by Jonny_Anonymous (32129 posts) - - Show Bio

This is pretty cool

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#12 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

@Jonny_Anonymous: Thanks.

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#13 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1610 posts) - - Show Bio

Curiouser & curioser said Alice...

#14 Posted by joshmightbe (24463 posts) - - Show Bio

cool

#15 Posted by Project_Worm (3318 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: Umm... Did you like?

@joshmightbe: Thanks man.

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#16 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1610 posts) - - Show Bio

I did, it piques ones curiosity...sorry I'm a bit obtuse at times. Yes, I liked it :)