Character Creation Contest #4

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#201  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: I have done 500 words, That was an extract lol. I just could not figure out how to write something, Got it now though.

Ok, I consider for you mister Cbishop, something called a lobotomy., it will calm you down, LET ME GET BACK TO WRITING!!!!

@wildvine: Pffft.

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#202  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

I stop looking at this thread for two minutes and the conversation has moved on to lemony urine. Fantastic :D.

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#203  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: I have done 500 words, That was an extract lol. I just could not figure out how to write something, Got it now though.

Ok, I consider for you mister Cbishop, something called a lobotomy., it will calm you down, LET ME GET BACK TO WRITING!!!!

@wildvine: Pffft.

Now I'm stopping you? EXCUSES! I SHALL GUT YA FOR YOUR VITTLES YET! WRITE YA VARLET! YARRRR!

(and a lobotomy? Really? You wound me, sir.)

@WhiteSGPlayer said:

I stop looking at this thread for two minutes and the conversation has moved on to lemony urine. Fantastic :D.

nonono... the urine is green due to madness. The lemon was from lemon crunch - something shared in good health by those who have finished their contest entries without whining about food. You've finished your entry. Have some lemon crunch, good sir. <passes serving platter to WhiteSGPlayer> , do we have tea?

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#204  Edited By Pyrogram

@WhiteSGPlayer: Well thats fan fic lol

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#205  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

That jar of urine you keep on top of the fridge doesn't count. It's not yours, and it wasn't green when you first put it there.

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#206  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

, do we have tea?

Asking the only girl to serve tea? That's a little sexist. : P

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#207  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

@cbishop said:

nonono... the urine is green due to madness. The lemon was from lemon crunch - something shared in good health by those who have finished their contest entries without whining about food. You've finished your entry. Have some lemon crunch, good sir. <passes serving platter to WhiteSGPlayer> , do we have tea?

Lemon Crunch, sir? Why thank you!

And it it's green "tea", then no.

God, I need to go and clean SOMETHING. Anything!

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#208  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

, do we have tea?

Asking the only girl to serve tea? That's a little sexist. : P

Sexist, I see myself as a realist.

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#209  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: and WHY DO I NOT GET NO LEMON CRUNCH! I'm going back to Microsoft word, he loves me.

( I hate lemon, thats why )

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#210  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

That jar of urine you keep on top of the fridge doesn't count. It's not yours, and it wasn't green when you first put it there.

No Caption Provided

Is that M. Knight Shamalamahanahan? Village would've been a good joke on the viewer, if it hadn't been so. danged. long. getting there.

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

, do we have tea?

Asking the only girl to serve tea? That's a little sexist. : P

No, no - I asked if we have tea. I did not ask you to serve it. I prefer to get my own tea, thank you. Sending you to the fridge puts you a little too close to that jar of green urine.

@WhiteSGPlayer said:

Lemon Crunch, sir? Why thank you!

And it it's green "tea", then no.

God, I need to go and clean SOMETHING. Anything!

Enjoy. And no, just plain tea. I marked that jar with a marker, just in case. Don't tell wildvine.

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: and WHY DO I NOT GET NO LEMON CRUNCH! I'm going back to Microsoft word, he loves me.

( I hate lemon, thats why )

NO LEMON CRUNCH FOR YOU, YA LUNCH EATIN' SOD! WRITE YOUR STORY! YAARRRRR!

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#211  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram: I'll have to read it later. Gotta go into work now. <sigh> I hate on call days sometimes. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job...

Later.

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#212  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop:

Finally done.

Shuffling forward every step I heard the crowd murmuring about the fate that awaited me, I began to walk forward, the rope that bound my hands together was tight, I could feel my pulse in my wrists. I looked around and saw family’s and guards looking at my every step waiting for me to do something.

I lifted my eyes from the cold floor and saw a warrior ready to do his duty; His eyes had seen much suffering and his hands were not from wealth, He told his men to back away from me.

I kneeled down to him and looked into his hollow eyes. He gestured to his men – The men grabbed my hair and pushed my head down, making me once again look at the floor. I heard an arrow leave its quiver and attach to a bow. I felt cold steel on the top of my head.

The night was cold, the bowstring made a crackling noise as it was drawn to full length. The arrow departed from my skull. His men once again grabbed me and turned me around, positioning me into an execution position. Pinning me down so I could not move, I could faintly see an unnatural light reflecting in the wet stone that was the floor beneath me.

The bowstring made a noise that was unique to this type of weapon. The poetic twanging sound that vibrated into the cold air around me, the sound so many had heard before meeting God, meeting death.

I looked up into the night sky; I was turned around by the men for a final time. The arrow lay in front of me, the shaft in two pieces, He had fired onto the ground. The man looked behind me and nodded to his men, they grabbed my hands and unbound them. I had done it.

The warrior opened his arms with the bow in his left and spoke to me.

“Welcome to the family of Sagittarius

He bowed down and laid the bow in his hands outstretched, waiting for me to claim the bow.

I stood up, looking at the new members of my family. I clenched my left fist in anticipation. I relieved the weight of the bow from his hands. My hands shaking, I hardened my grip around the Yew bow.

The exotic colour of the bow complimented the carvings that the bow has sustained and received with every new owner.

“Is it…time?” I said without enthusiasm.

“Yes, we must follow through the ritual. Rejoice in your new family. Rejoice in your new status. Rejoice in sending me to the better world” Said the soon to be resting warrior with joy.

“If I must, I know what this means to you.” I looked at my bow and back up again, “Go to the room of departure and I will release you there” With a faint tear in my eye. The warrior began to walk.

I began to walk towards the door and seal his fate, and take his place and become a Sagittari, the greatest achievement for any archer in the kingdom. Just at that moment I could see a light, coming from the watch tower above the building. It quickly disappeared. “Go and investigate that” I asked a guard.

The guard appeared to walk towards the stone stairs; he stumbled and began to mumble meaningless words, He collapsed onto the stone floor. Triggering an immediate flow of everybody in the vicinity drawing swords. Another guard checked his pulse, “He’s dead” the guard exclaimed.

“There!” I screamed as I saw a faint figure with a torch in hand, I grabbed my bow and dived into the weapons rack, a throwing star darted into my thigh, I ignored it and placed the steel arrow onto the bow. I drew the bow with incredible speed, my eye started to twitch, was the star poisoned?... I am a Sagittari, the best archer in the world...nothing...ca…

* * *

“That was 27 years ago, that moment defined his life, I have just read you an extract from our grand master’s autobiography. “ Said Grand Archer Virtus.

“Now- “

"But Master, Did he hit his target?” Interrupted a young archer.

“I will leave that to your imagination”

“Now, take out your bows, inspection time, and remember why to wear your thigh guards at all times young archers.” The Grand Archer looked around at the intrigued faces.

Happy reading :) Please point out spelling errors etc.. and why it will win :D

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#213  Edited By Pyrogram

Just sending random names, CBA to check if done it, finishes tomorrow at midnight.

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#214  Edited By wildvine

Sorry, couldn't make heads or tales of your story. Also, Joygirl already submitted.

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#215  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine: the ending was... different to say the least. The rest was not that hard though?

Thanks for the PM, understood.

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#216  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram: @wildvine said:

Sorry, couldn't make heads or tales of your story. Also, Joygirl already submitted.

I understood the story well enough, but the execution turned initiation thing at the beginning doesn't make much sense.

But specifics:

I lifted my head from the cold floor and saw a warrior ready to do his duty; His eyes had seen much suffering and his hands where not from wealth, He told his men to back away from me.

"where" should be "were." "Head" I would consider changing to "eyes." "I lifted my head from the cold floor" makes it sound like he's laying on the floor, and has raised his head off the floor to see someone. "I lifted my eyes from the cold floor" sounds more like he's walking while looking at the floor.

the sound so many had heard before meeting god, meeting death.

"god" should be "God." It's not a matter of belief, it's a matter of being a proper name, and proper names get capitalized.

“There!” I screamed as I saw a faint figure with a torch in hand, I grabbed my bow and dived into the weapons rack, a throwing star darted into my thigh, I ignored it and placed the steel arrow onto the bow. I drew the bow with incredible speed, my eye started to twitch, was the star poisoned?... I am a Sagittari, the best archer in the world...nothing...ca…

This whole paragraph needs some punctuation fixes. Many of those commas need to be periods.

But Master, Did he hit his target?” Interrupted a young archer.

Missing a quotation mark at the beginning of the young archer's sentence.

Overall, something about this is a little...off, for me. Maybe it's just this: it goes from a seeming execution, to "congrats, you're in the club," to "now you gotta kill me," to "now we're under attack," to "now that's our story for today." There's nothing wrong with it, but within the 1,000 word limit, it just seems a little disjointed, I guess. It's hard not to do it. In the Magnamor scene I wrote for the Nightfire contest, I had Nightfire narrating a battle, plus telling two different characters' origin stories. I managed to get two short battle scenes in there, but barely.

It's hard not to do. When you're given a word limit, you cram as much info as possible into it for the readers, and hope something useable and readable comes out on the other end. Wildvine had trouble with that this time - she told a great story, but couldn't bring herself to end it within the word limit, instead leaving it on an odd cliffhanger. I keep thinking about that one. Maybe, as cool as it was, she might have left out the thumbs up thing, to use some more wording on the battle at the end, with Vlad of Tepes. Still, she maxed out the word count - gotta give her props for that.

Getting back to yours though, maybe it's the ending that's bugging me. The Grand Archer refers to their "grand master's autobiography." Grand master, grand archer... I have minor confusion here. Is this a teacher telling a story to students? Or is this an older version of the man himself - the man with a star in his leg, now teaching young bowmen with his own stories? My impression was just a teacher, not the Sagitarri, but I wasn't 100% sure.

Overall, I'd give it a "B+." I don't know if this one will win or not, or if it should, but a great plus in your favor is that you do excellent descriptive details. That will probably grab people's attention. :)

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#217  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

Its... different. Its hard to describe. The descriptions were good, but the pacing was a bit off, as said.

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#218  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: Thanks, I wanted it to not be totally straight forward and make you think, wtf??? The bit with the grand master thing , you highlighted what I wanted to be highlighted about the mystery of who it is, and thanks for the spelling stuff.

Thanks for the brilliant feedback.

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#219  Edited By wr3h

So after Pyrogram had me at gun-point, I finally finished my story!

:D

The castle stood in its glory, basking under the moonlight with its sheer size with guards surrounding the area, begging to go home. The air was crisp and cold, with the birds singing their evening songs. However, unbeknownst to the occupants of the castle, an army was approaching. An army of change.

Maddock was the leader of this army. He was the leader of the people. People who were oppressed, who had no say, no power, no hope. Maddock was that hope. Because of him, with his words he gathered an army of those who wanted this oppressive kingdom gone, and the only way to do it was to destroy it from the heart of it.

They were at the verge of trespassing the King’s castle when Maddock motioned his hand upwards. They stopped.

“We are this close to change history” Maddock began to speak towards the crowd as they listened to them attentively.

“For us to win this battle, to win this war we must divide. Divide and conquer.”

“Victoria aut mors”

His followers looked at him smugly, they had faith in him. They would gladly put their lives on the line, knowing that they would be one step closer to freedom.

Donning his plain garb and unsheathing his bow that alone was the cue to strike. The army went left and right, suddenly swarming the castle like locusts. Their cry for battle blared throughout. The sounds of swords clashing, the endless screaming and the cries of terror and anguish engulfed Maddock as he charged through the guards, using the limbs of his bow to crush the guards’ heads.

Getting inside the castle was easy enough considering there was an entire war already happening just outside. This gave Maddock a lot more room to breath as he sprinted towards the throne room, knowing he’ll win. Seeing the door, he slammed into it, aiming his bow at the King.

But there was no King.

Rather, a man the same age as Maddock arrogantly sat on the throne, his cold laugh filled the empty room.

“Looking for my father I see?” he began to speak, enjoying the surprised look on Maddock’s face.

“You peasants honestly believe that killing my father will do anything? Even if you did, that would make no effort. After all, our empire will just go stronger, while you peasants will just carry on rolling around in the mud.”

“You’re all pathetic”

Dropping his bow, anger coursed through Maddock as he charged towards the prince. His punches were raw and powerful. So were the Prince’s.

Ribs were broken, blood was spilled and the flesh of both men were being destroyed blow after blow. Maddock’s throat was suddenly taken hold of. The prince was strangling him, laughing as every breath Maddock took to escape the iron clutches were fading.

“YOU’VE LOST ARCHER!” the Prince shrilled at Maddock.

“MY FATHER AND I WILL LIVE TO SEE A NEW AGE, WHILE YOU SHALL BE DEAD! “WITH THE WORMS DEVOURING YOUR VERY FLESH!”

In sheer desperation, Maddock had no choice but grab the blood ridden face of the psychopathic prince and attempted to gouge out his eyes with his bare hands. The pain that the prince endured was enough for Maddock to grab his bow and fire the arrow blindly in the direction of the prince.

Maddock saw the white in the prince’s eyes before the arrow pierced through his throat.

The prince was killed.

Maddock breathed heavily, his body broken and his spirit crushed. He may have killed the prince, yet the king was still alive, plotting more ways to cause suffering and pain.

And Maddock’s army was destroyed – all in vain.

He had lost.

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#220  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

Decent job after about two weeks. Pacing at the end was a little bit weird. I recommend that you use more of your remaining words to flesh it out.

Don't take two weeks on it though! :D

EDIT: Some of your grammar is WAY off. For instance: "We are this close to change history"

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#221  Edited By Pyrogram

@WhiteSGPlayer: I agree with all this, The story is solid though, also "King’s castle" Is that not the wrong grammar? you said king is castle? or am I wrong?

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#222  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

@Pyrogram:You are correct. Change this too

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#223  Edited By Pyrogram

@WhiteSGPlayer said:

@Pyrogram:You are correct. Change this too wr3h

If he gets time to change it that is, a few hours left and any edits/posts after midnight don't count.

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#224  Edited By batkevin74

If, and it's if, I do win, please give my winnings and the right to name the next contest to whoever came second coz I'm about to have a small child and will be unable to play in the next one.

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#225  Edited By Pyrogram

@batkevin74: Ok mate, and congratulations.

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#226  Edited By Pyrogram

@wr3h: also

"unsheathing his bow" You cannot unsheath a bow mate.

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#227  Edited By wildvine

@Pyrogram said:

@wr3h: also

"unsheathing his bow" You cannot unsheath a bow mate.

What if it folds out? : P

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#228  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine said:

@Pyrogram said:

@wr3h: also

"unsheathing his bow" You cannot unsheath a bow mate.

What if it folds out? : P

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#229  Edited By wildvine

@Pyrogram:

Okay. I will stop if you really want me to.

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#230  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine: I would never tell you to stop :)

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#231  Edited By wildvine

@Pyrogram said:

@wildvine: I would never tell you to stop :)

That sounded a little Cappy.....

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#232  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine:

....I see. 0_o Brain fart moment detected.

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#233  Edited By cbishop

@wr3h: Let me first say: please take this as constructive criticism. By all means, feel free to return critique anything I write. That said...

You need to work on the polish in a major way. A few little spelling errors and some errors with quotation marks. The quotation marks in some spots make it unclear if one person was speaking, or if it was two. The only other "problem" I see (and I put that in quotes, because it's subjective) is that other than Maddock, everything else was kind of generic. You didn't name the place, the castle, the king or the prince. That's not totally necessary, but added bits like that are always helpful.

In the first couple of contests, I made a conscious decision to not name any of my characters, just to force myself to be specific with my descriptors and details. It was a fun exercise (for me) but it's not something I'm going to carry on, in future contests. It goes against drawing people's interest.

You had a little less than 400 words left to you. It's not necessary to use the full word count, but your story would have benefited well from using a bit more. Not to sound too much like a teacher, but it seems you kind of phoned this one in. You clearly have the chops to tell a good story.

@batkevin74 said:

If, and it's if, I do win, please give my winnings and the right to name the next contest to whoever came second coz I'm about to have a small child and will be unable to play in the next one.

Huzzah! Congrats, poppa! And <whew> as well, because when you have one of those extra large children, it's just heck on the diaper bill. ;) Chocolate cigars for everyone!

@wildvine said:

@Pyrogram said:

@wildvine: I would never tell you to stop :)

That sounded a little Cappy.....

<looks at Pyrogram> Well, you had to see that one coming.

<looks back at wildvine> But gotta be honest, I would've said the exact same thing. You set it up too perfectly. lol

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#234  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

<looks at Pyrogram> Well, you had to see that one coming.

<looks back at wildvine> But gotta be honest, I would've said the exact same thing. You set it up too perfectly. lol

Fair enough. I'm having a blonde day.

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#235  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

<looks at Pyrogram> Well, you had to see that one coming.

<looks back at wildvine> But gotta be honest, I would've said the exact same thing. You set it up too perfectly. lol

Fair enough. I'm having a blonde day.

I think that's a legal reason to call out of work.

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#236  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: Should have lol, but as you highlight, the set up was way to perfect to go by unnoticed.

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#237  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: Should have lol, but as you highlight, the set up was way to perfect to go by unnoticed.

QFT.

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#238  Edited By Pyrogram

NO more editing/posting, comp is over. Will make a voting page soon. thanks guys.