@Mattersuit: So good man, so good. I was scared reading 1 bit as it sounded like mine I am writing but instantly changed lol :P why does that always happen to me :( I like it man.
Character Creation Contest #4
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@Pyrogram said:
@Mattersuit: So good man, so good. I was scared reading 1 bit as it sounded like mine I am writing but instantly changed lol :P why does that always happen to me :( I like it man.
Lol, that's why you should enter early - then you're not the one who looks like the imitator. ;D
@Mattersuit: Cool! Very cool
@VyseCarma: I thought that there would be more time periods, but good work
@cbishop: LIES! (The dialogue's bolded because I RP, and that makes it stand out to who I'm RPing with. Force of habit.)
@Mattersuit said:
@cbishop: LIES! (The dialogue's bolded because I RP, and that makes it stand out to who I'm RPing with. Force of habit.)
@Mattersuit said:
@Pyrogram: Lies, it sucks and you know it!
@batkevin74: Why does everyone lie?
<whispers to @Pyrogram & @batkevin74> Maybe if we use Bizarro-speak? <looks nervously towards Mattersuit, smiles weakly, straightens bottom of shirt slightly, clears throat...>
Boy, Mattersuit! That was plain awful! Me think you have horrible potential! That was stinkiest thing I read all day! Always quit! You sure suck! Have a crappy day! <grins like an idiot, waves amiably>
OK. Let's give this a bash. Fic below:
The room was silent. Quietly the thief crept into the building, careful not to disturb the resting house. He had been staking out this manor for months. It was formerly the dwelling of a Lord, who had passed it down from generation to generation. The current Lords grandsons were in there now. The perfect time to strike. He had brought his bow along with him, although he doubted he needed it. He’d be in and out within half an hour. Still, one couldn’t be too careful. The news had been littered with stories of thieves who had come in unprepared. Hopefully he won’t be another one of those stories.
The thief rubbed his fingers together gleefully. He was in the money. This house was probably the storage of items of indeterminable value. Exquisite Italian art, fragile Russian vases, even the wine was worth more than he earned per year, back at the shop. Not today. The thief was after money. He needed it to keep his business afloat. Who cares if this manor lost a little money? There was plenty more where that came from. The thief scanned his surroundings. The walls were ornately decorated with the heads of hunted animals. Sickening. These people can go and waste their money and lives hunting animals for pleasure while he can barely afford enough to eat.
Looking to the floor of the room, he spotted a small bump in the carpet. Looking around to see if he was still safe, he gently padded over to the carpet. There! He saw it. A minute cut in the carpet, just enough to lift up. Underneath was a small brown box bearing the inscription “aurum potestas est.” Gold is power. The box didn’t lie, the thief thought. A battered old lock was all that separated the thief from the treasures within. Childs play. The thief simply jammed his knife into the box and twisted. Not the quietest or stealthiest way, but effective. The thief was overcome by lust for treasure, completely forgetting that he was in the middle of a strange house in the middle of the night.
The top of the box clattered onto the floor, swiftly bringing him back to his senses. He cursed to himself. So much could still go wrong. He held his breath, listening for sounds of stirring or movement. Nothing. He was still in the clear. Peering down into the box, the thief gasped as he saw a face staring up at him. Stumbling away from the box, he realised that there was no face in the box, but a mirror. He was not a child, he was a man. It was very stupid of him to scare like that. Shaking and sweating, the thief pressed on.
The house was a labyrinth. Doors let to rooms he was convinced he saw earlier, corridors led to dead ends, meaningless storerooms stretched on forever. The thief was lost. There was no point in leaving the house now. He was in, and another opportunity would not come round for months. He had started to make compromises with himself, to soothe his frayed nerves. First it was “Get a full bag first, and then I’ll go”. Now its “First thing. FIRST THING I find and I’ll get out of here”. Disappointingly, apart from the Box he found, there was no money to be found anywhere. The Thief’s senses were screaming. He was lost in a stranger’s house, in the middle of the night, with nothing to be found anywhere. He stopped. He heard a sound upstairs. Beating against the floor, like an ominous drum. It wasn’t the thief’s heart. That was beating about 4 times faster. As if on cue, the beating stopped, and then started again. It sounded as if it was coming in the thief’s direction. The thief ran, no time for silence now. Self preservation finally prevailed over his hunt for gold. Closer and closer, louder and louder. The thief tugged desperately at a door. Locked. He was trapped. The beating came closer and closer. What was it? A person? An animal? A ghost? Whatever it was, it was coming for him. He was reflecting on the events leading up to this moment. It was a long hard slog getting in here. Nights of sleeping on the floor, almost freezing to death. Nights of eating terrible food and stale beer.
The thief ran towards a heavy oak door. It didn’t open. It was stuck or locked. Tugging desperately at the door, the thief realised that he was trapped. He remembered his bow. Swiftly notching an arrow to it, he was prepared for anything that came his way. His mind was a blur. Why did he choose to burgle this house? His shop might have come good in the next few months. Why did he have to burgle someone, because of the simple and childish reason that they were richer than him? Even if the thief died here today, he would never be able to go to church again, he would never be able to serve on a court. Nobody would ever trust him, all because of this silly hunt for gold.
He was finally aware of his wrongdoing. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Not gold, not death, not life. He would wait. Wait for whatever this thing was and let it do what it needed to do. He waited, as if he was simply waiting for his crops to grow. At least his death would be dignified. But that was no substitute for what he did.
Gold does not always mean power.
@Pyrogram said:
@cbishop said:
You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>
<Removes gun from neck>
Whose neck? lol
@batkevin74 said:
@Mattersuit: Either take the compliment or don't, I'm not fussed!
This. ;)
@cbishop said:
@Pyrogram said:
@cbishop said:
You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>
<Removes gun from neck>
Whose neck? lol
@batkevin74 said:
@Mattersuit: Either take the compliment or don't, I'm not fussed!
This. ;)
I will let you decide that :P
@Pyrogram said:
@cbishop said:
Whose neck? lol
I will let you decide that :P
lol.
@WhiteSGPlayer: No mention of the bow and arrow? Hm, it's a way to go. This is really nice, but I think you need to use the 237 words you have left. It's missing just a little something. It's great setup, but there needs to be a point to the suspense, other than the thief dying, and the nonsensical repeated line at the end. It's kind of blueballing your reader, to build things up like that with no payoff. And a piece that good needs a payoff. You've got time to edit before the voting thread. :D
@Pyrogram said:
@cbishop:
Blue balling, I had to lol so hard.
And true point, add a bow and arrow , forgot about that. @WhiteSGPlayer:
<shrugs> The analogy seemed to fit lol.
@WhiteSGPlayer The bow & arrow add could be as simple as mentioning that he carried it at the ready, in case he had to defend himself. When the whatever comes for him at the end might be a good place to mention it too - he would want to defend himself, right? Seriously, it's a good piece, or we wouldn't talk about it. ;)
@cbishop said:
@wildvine said:
@cbishop said:
Quit stalling and post, woman!
Yeah but, i saw a snail outside. If i don't witness its epic struggle who will?
@Pyrogram Please, sir: put the gun back to my neck.
I loled for like 10 minutes after that.
@wildvine: I need to post mine first so your one is the anti-climax. :D Joke joke :P
@cbishop: Like your setting for the story very much... I can even feel
the intense poetic expression from here...lol
@WhiteSGPlayer said:
OK. I've edited my little fic. Thanks for the feedback @cbishop@Pyrogram
EDIT: Page 6. 941 words
938 - repeated words here:
"A battered old lock was all that was all that separated the thief from the treasures within."
The edit and extra words make it tons better, man, seriously. I still think it's a little bit of a cheat, not telling your reader what was coming for the thief, but it's not an invalid way to go with the story. Really nice job.
@wildvine said:
@cbishop said:
Tease!
More like an update.
@Pyrogram said:
@wildvine: GIMME DAT PIECE!
That you Cap? : P
@cbishop said:
It was uncalled for and unmerited innuendo, intended to draw a sly smile and nothing more...skip it.
Cbiship, defender of internet honor. : P
To update: yes, I know, but I decided to call it a tease. lol
To defender: wellll, you may have missed my previous comment - just as well. ;)
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