Character Creation Contest #4

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Pyrogram

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#101  Edited By Pyrogram

@Mattersuit: So good man, so good. I was scared reading 1 bit as it sounded like mine I am writing but instantly changed lol :P why does that always happen to me :( I like it man.

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#102  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@Mattersuit: So good man, so good. I was scared reading 1 bit as it sounded like mine I am writing but instantly changed lol :P why does that always happen to me :( I like it man.

Lol, that's why you should enter early - then you're not the one who looks like the imitator. ;D

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#103  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: I know :( Just don't like to rush things lol.

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#104  Edited By batkevin74

@Mattersuit: Cool! Very cool

@VyseCarma: I thought that there would be more time periods, but good work

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#105  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: I know :( Just don't like to rush things lol.

Yeah, I understand... more choices to imitate if you wait. :^O j/k ;D lol

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#106  Edited By Mattersuit

@cbishop: LIES! (The dialogue's bolded because I RP, and that makes it stand out to who I'm RPing with. Force of habit.)

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#107  Edited By Mattersuit

@Pyrogram: Lies, it sucks and you know it!

@batkevin74: Why does everyone lie?

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#108  Edited By cbishop

@Mattersuit said:

@cbishop: LIES! (The dialogue's bolded because I RP, and that makes it stand out to who I'm RPing with. Force of habit.)

@Mattersuit said:

@Pyrogram: Lies, it sucks and you know it!

@batkevin74: Why does everyone lie?

<whispers to &

No Caption Provided

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#109  Edited By Mattersuit

@cbishop: That's more like it. Doesn't honesty feel good?

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#110  Edited By cbishop

@Mattersuit said:

@cbishop: That's more like it. Doesn't honesty feel good?

You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>

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#111  Edited By batkevin74

@Mattersuit: Either take the compliment or don't, I'm not fussed!

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#112  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop said:

@Mattersuit said:

@cbishop: That's more like it. Doesn't honesty feel good?

You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>

<Removes gun from neck>

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Mr_Stagger_Lee

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#113  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

OK. Let's give this a bash. Fic below:

The room was silent. Quietly the thief crept into the building, careful not to disturb the resting house. He had been staking out this manor for months. It was formerly the dwelling of a Lord, who had passed it down from generation to generation. The current Lords grandsons were in there now. The perfect time to strike. He had brought his bow along with him, although he doubted he needed it. He’d be in and out within half an hour. Still, one couldn’t be too careful. The news had been littered with stories of thieves who had come in unprepared. Hopefully he won’t be another one of those stories.

The thief rubbed his fingers together gleefully. He was in the money. This house was probably the storage of items of indeterminable value. Exquisite Italian art, fragile Russian vases, even the wine was worth more than he earned per year, back at the shop. Not today. The thief was after money. He needed it to keep his business afloat. Who cares if this manor lost a little money? There was plenty more where that came from. The thief scanned his surroundings. The walls were ornately decorated with the heads of hunted animals. Sickening. These people can go and waste their money and lives hunting animals for pleasure while he can barely afford enough to eat.

Looking to the floor of the room, he spotted a small bump in the carpet. Looking around to see if he was still safe, he gently padded over to the carpet. There! He saw it. A minute cut in the carpet, just enough to lift up. Underneath was a small brown box bearing the inscription “aurum potestas est.” Gold is power. The box didn’t lie, the thief thought. A battered old lock was all that separated the thief from the treasures within. Childs play. The thief simply jammed his knife into the box and twisted. Not the quietest or stealthiest way, but effective. The thief was overcome by lust for treasure, completely forgetting that he was in the middle of a strange house in the middle of the night.

The top of the box clattered onto the floor, swiftly bringing him back to his senses. He cursed to himself. So much could still go wrong. He held his breath, listening for sounds of stirring or movement. Nothing. He was still in the clear. Peering down into the box, the thief gasped as he saw a face staring up at him. Stumbling away from the box, he realised that there was no face in the box, but a mirror. He was not a child, he was a man. It was very stupid of him to scare like that. Shaking and sweating, the thief pressed on.

The house was a labyrinth. Doors let to rooms he was convinced he saw earlier, corridors led to dead ends, meaningless storerooms stretched on forever. The thief was lost. There was no point in leaving the house now. He was in, and another opportunity would not come round for months. He had started to make compromises with himself, to soothe his frayed nerves. First it was “Get a full bag first, and then I’ll go”. Now its “First thing. FIRST THING I find and I’ll get out of here”. Disappointingly, apart from the Box he found, there was no money to be found anywhere. The Thief’s senses were screaming. He was lost in a stranger’s house, in the middle of the night, with nothing to be found anywhere. He stopped. He heard a sound upstairs. Beating against the floor, like an ominous drum. It wasn’t the thief’s heart. That was beating about 4 times faster. As if on cue, the beating stopped, and then started again. It sounded as if it was coming in the thief’s direction. The thief ran, no time for silence now. Self preservation finally prevailed over his hunt for gold. Closer and closer, louder and louder. The thief tugged desperately at a door. Locked. He was trapped. The beating came closer and closer. What was it? A person? An animal? A ghost? Whatever it was, it was coming for him. He was reflecting on the events leading up to this moment. It was a long hard slog getting in here. Nights of sleeping on the floor, almost freezing to death. Nights of eating terrible food and stale beer.

The thief ran towards a heavy oak door. It didn’t open. It was stuck or locked. Tugging desperately at the door, the thief realised that he was trapped. He remembered his bow. Swiftly notching an arrow to it, he was prepared for anything that came his way. His mind was a blur. Why did he choose to burgle this house? His shop might have come good in the next few months. Why did he have to burgle someone, because of the simple and childish reason that they were richer than him? Even if the thief died here today, he would never be able to go to church again, he would never be able to serve on a court. Nobody would ever trust him, all because of this silly hunt for gold.

He was finally aware of his wrongdoing. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Not gold, not death, not life. He would wait. Wait for whatever this thing was and let it do what it needed to do. He waited, as if he was simply waiting for his crops to grow. At least his death would be dignified. But that was no substitute for what he did.

Gold does not always mean power.

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#114  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop said:

You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>

<Removes gun from neck>

Whose neck? lol

@batkevin74 said:

@Mattersuit: Either take the compliment or don't, I'm not fussed!

This. ;)

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#115  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop said:

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop said:

You sure am smart! You could be last follower on Bizarro World! Everyone would hate you there! <continues grinning like an idiot>

<Removes gun from neck>

Whose neck? lol

@batkevin74 said:

@Mattersuit: Either take the compliment or don't, I'm not fussed!

This. ;)

I will let you decide that :P

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#116  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop said:

Whose neck? lol

I will let you decide that :P

lol.

@WhiteSGPlayer: No mention of the bow and arrow? Hm, it's a way to go. This is really nice, but I think you need to use the 237 words you have left. It's missing just a little something. It's great setup, but there needs to be a point to the suspense, other than the thief dying, and the nonsensical repeated line at the end. It's kind of blueballing your reader, to build things up like that with no payoff. And a piece that good needs a payoff. You've got time to edit before the voting thread. :D

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#117  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop:

Blue balling, I had to lol so hard.

And true point, add a bow and arrow , forgot about that. @WhiteSGPlayer:

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#118  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop:

Blue balling, I had to lol so hard.

And true point, add a bow and arrow , forgot about that. @WhiteSGPlayer:

<shrugs> The analogy seemed to fit lol.

The bow & arrow add could be as simple as mentioning that he carried it at the ready, in case he had to defend himself. When the whatever comes for him at the end might be a good place to mention it too - he would want to defend himself, right? Seriously, it's a good piece, or we wouldn't talk about it. ;)

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#119  Edited By wildvine

Oh dear, only a week left! That means i only have 6 days left to mess around. Where does the time go? : P

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#120  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

Oh dear, only a week left! That means i only have 6 days left to mess around. Where does the time go? : P

Quit stalling and post, woman!

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#121  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

Quit stalling and post, woman!

Yeah but, i saw a snail outside. If i don't witness its epic struggle who will?

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#122  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

Quit stalling and post, woman!

Yeah but, i saw a snail outside. If i don't witness its epic struggle who will?

Please, sir: put the gun back to my neck.

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#123  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

Please, sir: put the gun back to my neck.

Lol. Next week for sure. Maybe tomorrow, but no promise.

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#124  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

Please, sir: put the gun back to my neck.

Lol. Next week for sure. Maybe tomorrow, but no promise.

I do not respond to hype build up! This had better be good! <shakes fist menacingly at Internet void>

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#125  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

I do not respond to hype build up! This had better be good! <shakes fist menacingly at Internet void>

@wildvine said:

(Cowers from menacing fist shaking)

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#126  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@wildvine said:

(Cowers from menacing fist shaking)

<bashfully> Gawrsh! I di'n't mean to skeer ya. I was jes' playin'!

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#127  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

<bashfully> Gawrsh! I di'n't mean to skeer ya. I was jes' playin'!

Ah, clown-speak. Now i feel safe for some reason.

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#128  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

<bashfully> Gawrsh! I di'n't mean to skeer ya. I was jes' playin'!

Ah, clown-speak. Now i feel safe for some reason.

lol, I was actually picturing a less-than-bright cartoon bear.

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#129  Edited By Joygirl

*sets feet up on Wildvine's back, files nails*

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#130  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop said:

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

Quit stalling and post, woman!

Yeah but, i saw a snail outside. If i don't witness its epic struggle who will?

Please, sir: put the gun back to my neck.

I loled for like 10 minutes after that.

@wildvine: I need to post mine first so your one is the anti-climax. :D Joke joke :P

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#131  Edited By GodDamnIronMan

@cbishop: Like your setting for the story very much... I can even feel

the intense poetic expression from here...lol

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#132  Edited By cbishop

@GodDamnIronMan said:

@cbishop: Like your setting for the story very much... I can even feel

the intense poetic expression from here...lol

Thanks. :)

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#133  Edited By wildvine

@Joygirl said:

*sets feet up on Wildvine's back, files nails*

You're so domineering to me.

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#134  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop

Only 500 or so words left to go...

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#135  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop

Only 500 or so words left to go...

Tease!

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#136  Edited By Pyrogram

@wildvine: GIMME DAT PIECE!

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#137  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@wildvine: GIMME DAT PIECE!

I wanted to tell her that too, but I didn't want to sidetrack her writing. ...Wait, what?

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#138  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: I can't say I am not confused.

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#139  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: I can't say I am not confused.

It was uncalled for and unmerited innuendo, intended to draw a sly smile and nothing more...skip it.

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#140  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: Just saying, I love your santa hat :)

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#141  Edited By CapFanboy

@Joygirl:

slender shaft of wood.

PFFT!

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#142  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: Just saying, I love your santa hat :)

Thanks. I didn't know how everyone was getting them last year. I've figured out some of the features since then. :)

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#143  Edited By Pyrogram

@cbishop: I used Photoshop, Is there a different feature lol :P

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Mr_Stagger_Lee

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#144  Edited By Mr_Stagger_Lee

OK. I've edited my little fic. Thanks for the feedback

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#145  Edited By cbishop

@Pyrogram said:

@cbishop: I used Photoshop, Is there a different feature lol :P

Yeah, in the images doohickey, when you upload, if you play with the edit features, there's one that says "hat." You can add a Santa hat to your pic w/that. :)

You have to re-upload the pic to do it.

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#146  Edited By cbishop

@WhiteSGPlayer said:

OK. I've edited my little fic. Thanks for the feedback

938 - repeated words here:

"A battered old lock was all that was all that separated the thief from the treasures within."

The edit and extra words make it tons better, man, seriously. I still think it's a little bit of a cheat, not telling your reader what was coming for the thief, but it's not an invalid way to go with the story. Really nice job.

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wildvine

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#147  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

Tease!

More like an update.

@Pyrogram said:

@wildvine: GIMME DAT PIECE!

That you Cap? : P

@cbishop said:

It was uncalled for and unmerited innuendo, intended to draw a sly smile and nothing more...skip it.

Cbiship, defender of internet honor. : P

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#148  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

Tease!

More like an update.

@Pyrogram said:

@wildvine: GIMME DAT PIECE!

That you Cap? : P

@cbishop said:

It was uncalled for and unmerited innuendo, intended to draw a sly smile and nothing more...skip it.

Cbiship, defender of internet honor. : P

To update: yes, I know, but I decided to call it a tease. lol

To defender: wellll, you may have missed my previous comment - just as well. ;)

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#149  Edited By cbishop

@wildvine said:

@cbishop said:

Tease!

More like an update.

Oh, speaking of "update" <looks at you expectantly>

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#150  Edited By wildvine

@cbishop said:

Oh, speaking of "update" <looks at you expectantly>

@wildvine said:

Forget that Holmes. I plan to post shortly.