#1 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

I do not own any rights to marvel characters

Mission: Kill Venom

Location:Bronx, New York, New York

Date:December 5, 2012

For any of you who didn't read the last chapter I am White Spider! I am a ninja who has spider-man's DNA. My clan gave me this DNA for their own purposes, and I have proved my goal that I was better than Spider-Man. I beat the weakling in a battle; he better be glad i din't kill him with Tiome, the Sword that holds a mixture of the worlds ten most venomous spiders. Now I am back to looking for Venom the creature that took the Jewl of Hasuku a jewel that gives the holder insight to the universe. I must bring the jewel back to my clan.

I am in the bronx it was no different from Manhattan... Well, okay take that back a lot different the snow was still bad, and it was extremely cold as if you were in a fridge except worse. It was a pretty bad place that I was in, I saw seven people get mugged in one night. I didn't really care, but still pretty bad neighborhood. I was jumping from roof top to roof top, the cold was stinging my eyes through my ninja mask. I was really cold I didn't have anything for this, but I kept going though. I came across something interesting though. There were four guys robbing a chemical plant... Why a chemical plant, out of all places? I figured that I should go check it out see what is going own, to see if it gave me a lead.

I back-flipped off the roof, and landed behind this gray, with no label on it just a truck no symbol or anything. I hid under the truck waiting for robbers to come out. I was pretty sure this was their truck with how it was made especially the tinted windows. I waited for at least ten minutes by now. Then they came out all covered in some black ooze it resembled the description of Venom. I jumped out and attacked one with my web then I kicked another one down. More came out of the chemical plant there were atleast 5 of them, and they all looked like Venom minus the spider symbol. When I looked at them I was amazed, and suspected that this was trick, but sadly it wasn't. One through a one ton explosive container at me I caught it and threw somewhere else, it exploded. I brought out my sword two of them came out me trying to punch me, but I quickly cut both of them. One in the side the other in the leg, They died instantly because of the venom that was in it. One somehow got behind, and tried holding me down, while another tried coming to punch, but I moved my head to the left while the other one got punched. I broke free, and slashed the attacker in his torso. Then I hit the one that held me down in the head, grabbed his arms, and put foot on his back, and broke his arms. One got in the truck, and drove off. Okay question what the heck is going, and what the hell did they steal. I looked at a container, and it said liquid admantium... What could this mean?

To be continued...

#2 Posted by batkevin74 (11212 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178: Okay, you need some work on your formatting, grammar & punctuation. For example (see below) that's just 4 bits where you either need a capital, made a spelling error, forgot punctuation or it didn't really make sense. Your idea is great, your execution needs a little polishing. Keep up the good work though...White Spider getting a hold of liquis adamantium means I smell a certain scruffy mutant with claws around the corner :)

@benben178 said:

Why a chemical plant, out of all places?
that took the Jewl of Hasuku a jewel that gives the holder insight to the universe. I must bring the jewel back to my clan.
I am in the bronx it was no different from Manhattan...
he better be glad i din't kill him with Tiome
#3 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Thanks I've been trying to get better with my writting skills.

#4 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Do you want me to inform on when is the next chapter?

#5 Posted by SpideyIvyDaredevilFan26 (6269 posts) - - Show Bio

Great job so far. Feel like a ninja would be a bit darker, but it's your character, and an interesting one at that.

#6 Edited by All_Mighty_Beyonder (1724 posts) - - Show Bio

@SpideyIvyDaredevilFan26:

@benben178: good work.

i'll think of story later and suggest it to you. for now those are some random ideas that can be used :

  • to make the story even cooler than actual Spider Man issues, you should advance the characters (heroes and villains) into cooler stats. like mmm, since there is Adamantium liquid in the story, why not make Venom evolve into Adamantium Venom. beating Adamantium Venom will be excellent feat for White Spider and will surely make him better than Spider Man without the need of making the 2 heroes have a pointless fight like you did in the first chapter.
  • every Hero has his Arch-enemy, i think it's time to bring a new character who will match the main hero "White Spider" in coolness, but we should start with brief appearances of this arch-enemy. brief appearances where he proves his worthness against White Spider.
  • you created a good backgroud for the main character, Ninja clan, DNA... that's good, you should sometimes put a flashback story, where White Spider had special trainings, and where you can exalt White Spider's skills, weapons...etc. you can also link the arch-enemy to White spider's past, but don't be too mainstream, like both had same training under the same master or something, try to make it something new. i'll help later, once i gather a good story in my head.

i hope you like those points.

#7 Posted by comicace3 (6593 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178: Love your writing but: Make venom appear stronger than his current self which make White spider superior to him ( and spiderman) in any way after he defeats him.

2. Every Hero needs a love interest. Am I wrong? Maybe that could be tied into his back story.

3. Need more info on the back story. Ya know how he came to be chosen as white spider. Was he born into the ninja clan? How long has he lived there, did he have a family, and does he have a tragic past? I could help think of something. Just give me sometime.

#8 Edited by All_Mighty_Beyonder (1724 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178: @SpideyIvyDaredevilFan26: @comicace3:

okey guys, i'm a bad writer, specially when english isn't my mother language, so if there is stupid grammar and expression mistakes, don't be surprised.

this is my version of White Spider chapter 3.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not own any rights to marvel characters

Mission: Kill Venom

Location:Bronx, New York, New York

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Previously :

I am White Spider! I am a ninja who has spider-man's DNA. My clan gave me this DNA for their own purposes, i'm in a mission to kill Venom, and now i just killed 4 robbers and one escaped. They all, somehow, had Venom symbiote and powers. but that's not the only strange thing!! they were stealing Adamantium liquid containers.

Now:

"damn, what's all this about?" i ponder.

i open the container, take a sample and put it in a small test tube, that i have in my hidden belt along with other small gadgets. suddenly i feel a presence in the dark corner behind me. i smile and say : "i know you're there, i can describe every detail of your stance if you want".

"tss, good senses!!" reply the stranger with a soft woman voice. and at her last word, she throws 5 shurikens at the same time with an amazing speed it can't be seen with normal eyes. Instantaneously, spider senses tickles, and i jump back at her, thinking "that voice!! it's familiar", and while in mid-air, the stanger launches 5 chains with pointed edges, 4 chains to surround me and one directed to my heart.

in less than 1 microsecond, i threw my web, and... with my right hand web, i hit one of the 4 chains around me and pull it to hit the 5th chain, deflecting it from hiting my heart and body. with my left hand web, i hit the roof and pull myself off from the 3 remaining chains before they capture me. but all of a sudden!! the 3 chains change direction on their own, like if they are alive! and rush to me in a snake movement.

on the roof, i was startled and thinking : "what !! i saw this technique before !!"

and short, i rush to the floor, throw a sticky web maze and capture the 3 chains. once i touched the floor, i pulled the stranger woman from the darkness. with my super strength, she couldn't resist, and started sliding on ground to light. first, her left hand appeared, with chains, each one linked to one finger ring. then she appeared entirely, with a black Shinoby wear and a white flat mask with snake drawing in left cheek.

i stick then the chains to the floor, and smile : "you're done? "

"not yet sweety" replies the shinoby woman with an arrogant voice, and moves her pinky and middle finger. suddenly, the two remaining chains hurl to my blind spot. i don't move a muscle to dodge it. and in a strange outcome, the chains stop in mid-air, floating and struggling.

"h..how, why ca..can't i move them" says the woman with a striving voice.

"oh my...oh my, you have good skills, amazing reflexes, but your still not even close to my speed, sigh...just look close to those chains,would yah" i replay with a yawn.

and the woman raises her eyes, and with a startled face sees a little shining strings all around her chains, she turns her head, and sees little slim strings all around the place.

"w..w..what...when...h..how" wonders the woman.

"one sentence lady, one, can't you formulate one correct sentence?" interrupt her with a big smile.

"this is the Wire String technique of the Kazuki family!! i never seen someone using it with such level of mastery !! wait a second...are you..." she replays

and before she finishes the sentence, in a blitz, i vanished and appeared behind her with my Tiome katana on her neck.

"shouldn't let your guard down, even for a moment" i say.

"don't be cocky, your the one who shouldn't let his jewels unguarded....Gin" she responds looking to a Kunai that she points to my pants.

"geez... and you even figured who i am, nice one Himiko" i respond.

she takes the mask off and wave her hair, "when did you figure out it's me Gin? i was really about to kill you, you know"

and the great White Spider doesn't respond, because, actually, i was still living the wave hair moment.

"Gin...Gin!!??" she wonders

"oh sorry i was eeeh, i was... what the hell are you doing here? if i didn't recognize your 5 DragonSnake technique i would have killed you!!" and i save the moment.

she smiles and respond : "oh, you know... like always, i'm on assassin mission"

"mmm, don't tell me your target is Venom !!" i replay with worried tone.

she smiles and replays : "hhh, what a shame, so i guess we wouldn't be rivals this time. my target is Doctor Doom"

and suddenly the police arrives at crime scene, they enter and spread over the chemical plant, and no sign of the two shinobies, they appear on roof top for a moment with the blazing moon behind them after the snowstorm cleared away. and vanish in darkness.

who's is this skilled shinoby Himiko? what was she doing in the plant? and what has Doctor Doom to do with Venom and Adamantium? don't miss the next chapter.

#9 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: @All_Mighty_Beyonder: @comicace3: Thank you all I'm about to start working on chapter 3 right now it should be out before the night is out!

#10 Posted by All_Mighty_Beyonder (1724 posts) - - Show Bio

@benben178 said:

@batkevin74: @All_Mighty_Beyonder: @comicace3: Thank you all I'm about to start working on chapter 3 right now it should be out before the night is out!

what do you say about my sample chap 3, anything good in it that you can use?

#11 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@All_Mighty_Beyonder: Yeah, but I m going to use some parts in it for another chapter, but stay on and get ready for chapter 3 it's coming in a few minutes

#12 Posted by benben178 (163 posts) - - Show Bio

@All_Mighty_Beyonder: @All_Mighty_Beyonder: @comicace3: @SpideyIvyDaredevilFan26: @batkevin74: CHAPTER 3 is out now!

http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic/8/white-spider-chapter-3/750546/