#1 Edited by gumflabica (2159 posts) - - Show Bio

..."I need you to kill this man as stealthily as possible. I trust you have the... tools, necessary for the job?" "Yes, sir. I do." "Dismissed. Remember to bring a finger back."

"Why do i work for this guy." Boone says under his breath. As he approches the building his target lives in, he is confronted by an armed bodyguard. "Damnit Boone. This is a rookie mistake." he thinks to himself. Boone quietly whistles. Just as the bodyguard begins to ask his name, JT, Boone's trained German Shepherd, attack from behind. Boone takes this window of oppertunity and disables the man's brain with a combat knife. Quick and silent.

Once he climbed to the bedroom window, he peeked inside. He could see the door to the bedroom sligtly open, and the lights on. "Brushing your teeth, eh?" Boone thinks to himself. He quickly climbs in the window and readies his knife. He opens the door and before the man can react his has a combat knife in his brain stem.

As Boone cuts a finger off, another man walks into the bedroom and sees Boone. "What the F*ck!? Security! Security!" Boone looks at the slightly different features of the man he killed. "Oh, Sh*

t! This guy has a fucking doppleganger and the guy that wants him dead doesnt tell me!?" Boone thinks. He Lunges and buries his knife in the man's skull, than unholsters two handguns. S.W.A.T. forces start coming through the windows and doors. When he sees that it's S.W.A.T. he drops his guns and gets on his knees. "I was set up." He thinks to himself. "I was f*cking set up by that sonofab*tch Randall."

Boone was doing better in maximum security prison that he thought. Most people don't bother a trained assassins. Or a guy who can sneak a hunting Knife in to prison.

"Time to go out. Go play basketball or some sh*t like that. Just don't try any of that funny sh*t alright, because i don't put up with that sh*t, man. I'll shoot'cha if you try that sh*t." The guard said to Boone. "Good to know." When Boone got outside, he climbed up the basketball hoop, then threw his combat knife at one of the guards. the guard fell, and Boone used the scraps of cloth he had ties to gether as a rope, and attched to his knife to swing over and climb, using the guards body against the barbed wire as a grappling hook. He got up, retrieved his knife, took the guard's assault rifle and keys, and used him again to get down. He used the keys to get into a car and drive away, ditching it just outside of town. Before he left, he took a police officer uniform and put it on.

He bought some clothes and a crappy apartment in the ghetto and lived there for a few weeks, until he Spied an FBI Agent at his door on his way back from the grocery store...

sorry for typos, my computer puts characters down slower that i type.

#2 Posted by gumflabica (2159 posts) - - Show Bio

24 hrs and still nothing? is this bad or did people just not notice it?

#3 Posted by Irishlad (548 posts) - - Show Bio

The story itself is good but it is a little hard to read with the typos, also there are times where you switch between past and present such as at one point you said dismissed and another you said climbs,

Don't take this the wrong way, just saying sometimes you should take a look over it a few times, even the best have to do this.

Keep up the good work though, and if you feel like no one is reading then it might be nice to have a "please leave a comment" at the end of your post, if not you could always submit it to the feedback thread.

Sometimes you need to be patient though, as some people are just naturally lazy xD

#4 Posted by gumflabica (2159 posts) - - Show Bio

@Irishlad: yeah sorry i didnt have time to proofread ihad to be somewhere

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (9760 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: It's okay, but edit your swearing. In real life I swear like a trooper, but one of the fan-fic rules is that swearing has to be @!$%ing and the like.

#6 Posted by gumflabica (2159 posts) - - Show Bio

ok iwill do that now

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (9760 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: Here's a minor edit of part your story, with spelling, grammar & spacing changed.

...."I need you to kill this man as stealthily as possible. I trust you have the...tools, necessary for the job?"

"Yes, sir. I do."

"Dismissed! Remember to bring a finger back."

"Why do I work for this guy?" Boone muttered under his breath.

As he approaches the building his target lives in, he is confronted by an armed bodyguard.

-Dammit Boone, a rookie mistake-

Boone quietly whistles. Just as the bodyguard begins to ask his name, JT, Boone's trained German Shepherd, attacks from behind. Boone takes this window of oppertunity and disables the man's brain with a combat knife; quick and silent.

He climbed to the bedroom window, and peeked inside. He could see the door to the bedroom slightly open, and the lights on.

-Brushing your teeth, eh?-

He quickly climbs in and readies his knife. He opens the door and before the man can react, a combat knife is in his brain stem. As Boone cuts a finger off, another man walks into the bedroom and sees horrible sight.

"What the F*ck!? Security! Security!"

Boone looks at the slightly different features of the man he killed and the man yelling for help. "Oh $#!+!

This guy has a fucking doppleganger and they don’t tell me?!

Boone throws the knife hitting him in the stomach. He lunges forward and rips the knife up, almost splitting the man in two. With a quick flourish the knife is out and jammed into the back of his head, a mere whimper escapes the man’s lips.

Boone unholsters two handguns and scans the room. S.W.A.T. forces start coming through the windows and doors.

“DOWN! GET DOWN! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!”

Outnumbered, outgunned and out manuuvered , Boone drops his guns and gets on his knees.

-I was set up! I was f@^!ng set up by that son of a b!+c# Randall!"

You need a bit more setting.

Who is telling Boone what to do? His commanding officer? His pimp? His mum?

Where is he going to kill this guy who has a twin? Switzerland? Chicago? A tent hospital in Uganda?

What happened to his dog?

Just a couple of things, because you have a good framework but you need to build a bit more substance. Keep up the good work