#1 Edited by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio

You wake up feeling like somebody hit you over the head with a sledgehammer. "Where am I?" you groan as you climb up off the ground, rubbing your head. Your vision is still blurred, so you're not eager to go running off quite yet. You sit on an oddly-shaped formation and think. The last thing you remember is getting on your computer, and then... nothing. You get up, as your vision progressively gets better, you notice that the objects in this place are quite oddly shaped. Everything is in the form of blocks. You decide you'll need wood for a fire tonight. You figure the only way to get the tree down is to punch it. "What the!?" you cry as the upper half of the tree floats above what you took. "Crap. I'ts getting dark out." You see a small opening in the ground. nothing in there but stones and water. You start your fire with sticks and look outside. "What the F**k!?" you yell as 2 zombies invade your home. "Go for the skull, go for the skull," you say as you pick up a flaming piece of wood. You hit one one over the head, but the other punches you to the ground. You get back up light the zombie on fire. It was a sucess. You Defended your home. But, wheny uo look back outside, you notice that there are many more out there. "It's not safe here. I've gotta find somebody, and quick."

Suddenly, an old man comes up out of the ground, "You," the old man rasped "You are alive!" "Where is everybody else?" you say nervousely. "This server has been long since abandoned. It was a nice place, but soon, our cheap doors weren' enough to keep the zombies out, and most of us parished in our sleep." You look outside to see if any more are coming. "Is there any place we can go, any place safer than this?" The old man stares blankly at the ground for a while, "I would do nothing but slow you down. I am old, and frail, and have been living down in a hole for years, with no idea where any signs of life are. But, when you came here, you appeared on my map, and I knew just where to go. Here, take these things, as i will not need them any more. I hope they will serve you as well as they served me." The old man salutes you, and jumps down the deep hole he dug up from. "NO!" you cry as you watch the only person who can give you information falls to his death. You go through the items. "Is this pickaxe made of diamonds!? Holy sh*t! Look at this sword!" You ready your tools and place on your helmet. "Lets do this." You say, trying to sound cool to nobody but yourself, as you charge out into the dark, not knowing what is around the next corner. "Sssssss...

so what do you think? sorry for any spelling or capitalization errors. im knid of a fast typist. there will be more of this series though. this is only just beginning.

#2 Edited by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio

#3 Posted by batkevin74 (11212 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica said:

im knid of a fast typist.

It shows

@gumflabica said:

so what do you think?

This is the start, start of what I don't know. You seem to be rushing, for no reason. It's like a frenetic Red Bull dream and it makes no sense, even though it's the opening chapter. Do you know where the next chapter is going or are you just typing until you get tired, stop and post it up?

@gumflabica said:

sorry for any spelling or capitalization errors.

They're not your problem, spacing is!

You wake up, feeling like somebody hit you over the head with a sledgehammer.

"Where am I?"

You groan as you climb up off the ground, rubbing your head. Your vision is still blurred, so you're not eager to go running off quite yet. You sit on an oddly-shaped formation and think. The last thing you remember is getting on your computer, and then... nothing. You get up, as your vision progressively gets better, you notice that the objects in this place are quite oddly shaped. Everything is in the form of blocks. You decide you'll need wood for a fire tonight. You figure the only way to get the tree down is to punch it.

"What the!?"

Three simple spaces and it changes your story.

Honestly, slow down! Plan it out, even just a little. Put some time into spacing, spelling etc (write it on a Word doc BEFORE posting in here on CV, it catches a lot of errors) I can see your having fun, but if you want people to read this you do have to do some work. Why? This is fan-fic and it's FREE. People are under no obligation to read or even look at your stuff. But with a little effort you can get that.

Hey can you read the above story and let us know what you think please.

#4 Posted by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: i do know where my story is going. i just wanted to get the starting items and what is in the world out of the way. if you didnt notice, it's supposed to be minecraft

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (11212 posts) - - Show Bio

@gumflabica: No idea that it was about minecraft, nor actually what minecraft is. I'm old and have no idea about such things that the cool, young & trendy people write and talk about.

I am glad you know where your story is going, from an outside perspective it doesn't seem that way. But this

i just wanted to get the starting items and what is in the world out of the way.

There's no need to rush, honestly there isn't. If you set it up then it can work in your favour is all.

#6 Posted by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio

yeah, it's hard to understand the ending if you dont play minecraft.@batkevin74:. the most famous and infamous creatures in the game are creepers. the're notorious for sneaking up behind you and blowing you up, or destroying your home.

#7 Posted by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio

#8 Posted by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (20443 posts) - - Show Bio

It feels a bit rushed, but I like the concept.

#9 Posted by gumflabica (2581 posts) - - Show Bio
#10 Posted by lykopis (10746 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74 said:

@gumflabica said:

sorry for any spelling or capitalization errors.

They're not your problem, spacing is!

You wake up, feeling like somebody hit you over the head with a sledgehammer.

"Where am I?"

You groan as you climb up off the ground, rubbing your head. Your vision is still blurred, so you're not eager to go running off quite yet. You sit on an oddly-shaped formation and think. The last thing you remember is getting on your computer, and then... nothing. You get up, as your vision progressively gets better, you notice that the objects in this place are quite oddly shaped. Everything is in the form of blocks. You decide you'll need wood for a fire tonight. You figure the only way to get the tree down is to punch it.

"What the!?"

Three simple spaces and it changes your story.

Honestly, slow down! Plan it out, even just a little. Put some time into spacing, spelling etc (write it on a Word doc BEFORE posting in here on CV, it catches a lot of errors) I can see your having fun, but if you want people to read this you do have to do some work. Why? This is fan-fic and it's FREE. People are under no obligation to read or even look at your stuff. But with a little effort you can get that.

Hey can you read the above story and let us know what you think please.

Spacing IS huge.

Reading it, I had to go back and insert breaks in my mind so I could understand what was going on. No good -- from a reader's perspective. I completely miss the flow the OP might think is evident because of him racing through this.

OP (hello!) you received some great advice from people on here -- and I get the whole "throw it out there" impulse, but really -- don't. PM it to someone if you want some editing done (grammar, punctuation, etc) but attempt it first yourself. If not just for the practice because the more you do it, the more easier it becomes - to the point it's done without thinking. I automatically hit enter after I insert quotations indicating a said piece of dialogue - and it's little things like that (which batkevin74 has pointed out) which completely change the story.

Plus -- as a reader, if I come across a story that is a wall of text -- I am more likely to continue to another that isn't. If I have to work at understanding the story, then I normally wouldn't bother. When it's something as simple as paragraph/dialogue breaks, it's too bad because an interesting story like yours won't get the attention or comments that you are looking for and deserve.

I like the idea behind this story, especially your enthusiasm. If it's a matter of getting the scene out of your mind in case you lose it, scitbble it out note-form -- randomly -- so when you are in a good place to string all these great ideas of yours together, you can do it at a slower, more productive and less frenetic pace. When you give yourself the freedom/room to calmly put thought to paper (screen, in this case) your creation will naturally expand more and given some colour and oomph in your reader's mind.

:)

#11 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

@lykopis said:

@batkevin74 said:

@gumflabica said:

sorry for any spelling or capitalization errors.

They're not your problem, spacing is!

You wake up, feeling like somebody hit you over the head with a sledgehammer.

"Where am I?"

You groan as you climb up off the ground, rubbing your head. Your vision is still blurred, so you're not eager to go running off quite yet. You sit on an oddly-shaped formation and think. The last thing you remember is getting on your computer, and then... nothing. You get up, as your vision progressively gets better, you notice that the objects in this place are quite oddly shaped. Everything is in the form of blocks. You decide you'll need wood for a fire tonight. You figure the only way to get the tree down is to punch it.

"What the!?"

Three simple spaces and it changes your story.

Honestly, slow down! Plan it out, even just a little. Put some time into spacing, spelling etc (write it on a Word doc BEFORE posting in here on CV, it catches a lot of errors) I can see your having fun, but if you want people to read this you do have to do some work. Why? This is fan-fic and it's FREE. People are under no obligation to read or even look at your stuff. But with a little effort you can get that.

Hey can you read the above story and let us know what you think please.

Spacing IS huge.

Reading it, I had to go back and insert breaks in my mind so I could understand what was going on. No good -- from a reader's perspective. I completely miss the flow the OP might think is evident because of him racing through this.

OP (hello!) you received some great advice from people on here -- and I get the whole "throw it out there" impulse, but really -- don't. PM it to someone if you want some editing done (grammar, punctuation, etc) but attempt it first yourself. If not just for the practice because the more you do it, the more easier it becomes - to the point it's done without thinking. I automatically hit enter after I insert quotations indicating a said piece of dialogue - and it's little things like that (which batkevin74 has pointed out) which completely change the story.

Plus -- as a reader, if I come across a story that is a wall of text -- I am more likely to continue to another that isn't. If I have to work at understanding the story, then I normally wouldn't bother. When it's something as simple as paragraph/dialogue breaks, it's too bad because an interesting story like yours won't get the attention or comments that you are looking for and deserve.

I like the idea behind this story, especially your enthusiasm. If it's a matter of getting the scene out of your mind in case you lose it, scitbble it out note-form -- randomly -- so when you are in a good place to string all these great ideas of yours together, you can do it at a slower, more productive and less frenetic pace. When you give yourself the freedom/room to calmly put thought to paper (screen, in this case) your creation will naturally expand more and given some colour and oomph in your reader's mind.

:)

I agree, concur and endorse the above quotation. Boundless energy & enthusiasm mixed with nonchalant wayward typing = DISASTER! And nobody reading what you have written.