Beyond Good & Evil #5

John (thoughts): This is Master Yoda...I can already tell this will not end well for me.

Yoda: Is something wrong young one?

John: No, its you werent what I was expecting.

Yoda: Hehehe, decieving appearances can be, come, time to meat the Jedi High Council it is.

John: You two coming with me?

Anakin: Sorry, this is something youre going to have to do alone, me and Ahsoka have some other things to do, good luck.

John and Yoda enter the temple and walk through the hallways.

John: This place is amazing, it must thousands of years old. And so many kids here.

Yoda: The Temple home it has been for the Jedi Order through many troubled times. And soon you also will become a Jedi.

John: But whats so special about me? Why am I so important that you risked your most powerful Jedi to come after me.

Yoda: The Force is strong with you, I have not sensed such potential in many years.

John: But how is this going to work, a lot of these apprentices are trained since theyre 3 years old. How am I going to catch up with them.

Yoda: You are not the first older apprentice to rise through the order.

John: Skywalker, should have known.

Yoda: Do not worry, certain I am that everything will end well.

The two of them enter a elevator that takes them to the Council Chamber.

The Council Chamber....

Windu: This entire operation was a massive waste of resources and time, sending out Skywalker to save some boy we know nothing about who could also be a spy.

Kit Fisto: Perhaps we should see what the boy can do before we judge hin.

Obi-Wan: His situation is no different from Anakins years ago, and he worked out well...for the most part.

Windu: I would not agree on Skywalker, true he has mastered the Force but not his emotions we should focus more on..........

He is interupted by the arrival of Yoda and John, Yoda takes his seat while John positions himself in the middle of the circle, the others stare at him and evaluate him.

John (thoughts): So this is the High Council, what are they waiting for and how are they going to test me.

Mace: To test your basic connection to the Force, I will display images on this datapad and you will using the Force tell me what you see. Lets begin.

The datapad shuffles through the pictures, after test is finished it reveals that Johns score out of 20 was 12. The masters are visibly not pleased with this, but Yoda remains optimistic.

Windu (whispers): Like I said this is a waste of our time, we have a war to deal with, we should focus on battlefield and not this boy.

John: Im not a idiot, I can hear you and how about you say that to my face.

Windu: And hes arrogant,I am Mace Windu, second in command of the Jedi Order and I suggest you keep quiet before I...

John: The only one arrogant here is you, I dont care who you are, I was brought here for a reason, once its decided that I livea Il leave, my training in the N7 prepared me for places like the Terminus systems or your Outer Rim territories, if you want another soldier to throw against the droids then how about this. We have a sparring match, I win I get into the order no questions asked, if I lose Il leave and youll never hear from me again.

Windu: Very well, I accept your challange, we will settle this immedietly come with me.

John follows the other masters to the sparring ring, he finds the entire Jedi Council looking at him along Anakin and Ahsoka who just arrived.

Ahsoka: Whats going on why is John fighting Master Windu?

Plo Koon: John is trying to prove his skills in the ring, we must evaluate his skills.

The match begins, Windu immedietly breaks Johns rib by quickly attacking him with Force Speed. He tries to fight through the pain but Windu breaks his arm as well and holds him in the air by the throat.

Windu: You have lost boy, surrender before you get hurt.

John: Go fuck yourself!

Johns eyes turn red, he upercuts Windu which sends him flying through 2 stone pillars. Windu tries to get back on his feet but John grabs him by the throat and bashes his head into a stone wall.

John (possesed): I am Revan, the Xel Naga tasked me with training this boy and you will accept him into the Order! He has a greater destiny than even the Choosen One and you will guide him through it or the universe will burn. John quickly snaps out of it.

John: Huh, what happened! Did I do this?

The other masters look on in fear except Ahsoka, Obi Wan and Yoda.

The next day...

Yoda: Yesterday your full powers went out of control and Master Windu was grevously injured, but alright he is now. We have decided to accept you into the Order to properly train you in the use of your powers.

John: Who is my master then?

Revan: I am, my name is Revan, a former Sith Lord and now servent of the Force beyond the grave, I will teach you to be a fine Jedi.

To be continued...

@ekrolo: Okay, first of all, edit out the swearing or if a mod sees this it will be deleted.

So you asked what you could improve upon, well I don't usually know how to criticize this format. I'd suggest adapting it to prose (or novel format) since I believe this has potential, and in prose format it would flow better. Use what I gave you in the PM to help you with that.

Second, I like the plot development overall, and the characterization is spot on (for a Star Wars fan who's only seen the movies and nothing else) but some of it seems out of place. Windu seems to accept the challenge too readily, and that's a problem I've noticed a lot when people write like this. Problems/conflicts come out of nowhere. I'd also suggest adding A LOT more descriptions. It's hard for me to visualize what's going on. (The PM we shared will help you with that, too.) The fight took me literally three seconds to read, so I suggest adding detail, like I said, try to focus on the affect of the action and what's going on around them instead of the action itself. Try to add a description or two even if you feel like you don't need one. It helps for readers to visualize trust me. For example if someone yelling, maybe put "Saliva spewed from his mouth as he bellowed..." just a suggestion. Too much dialogue without a description can throw a reader off. If you decide to go prose I suggest you write HOW someone said their line (calmly, angry, etc.) instead of just the line itself. It helps with the flow of the story.

Take what I said with a grain of salt since I mean no offence, you asked me to help so I'm giving constructive criticism. I don't think the story is bad at all, I'm just trying to help you out to help make the story flow a bit better. It takes time to get really good at writing. I started four years ago and I'm still not as good as I could be. Just practice practice practice. That's all. (Rough drafts before typing the story help too, or if you don't have time just and overall plot for the first few chapters)

Yoda I think; needs more work! Also he went to MEET the Jedi Council not MEAT them, unless of course he is throwing slabs of beef at them. On the whole I like it, know F.A about Mass Effect but so far so good

@primepower53 said:

@ekrolo: Okay, first of all, edit out the swearing or if a mod sees this it will be deleted.

So you asked what you could improve upon, well I don't usually know how to criticize this format. I'd suggest adapting it to prose (or novel format) since I believe this has potential, and in prose format it would flow better. Use what I gave you in the PM to help you with that.

To be fair, I think the current format suits it better. Maybe just needs a little bit of description and added detail between dialogue but it's a lot easier to write since in prose you would most likely have to use different variations on how the character says thing to not sound repetitive. And since the jedi's rarely say things with emotions this particular format (where emotion isn't needed) suits it. Also, star wars is something which you really have to picture in novels and fan-fictions and this format allows the reader more room to do just that

@CapFanboy said:

@primepower53 said:

@ekrolo: Okay, first of all, edit out the swearing or if a mod sees this it will be deleted.

So you asked what you could improve upon, well I don't usually know how to criticize this format. I'd suggest adapting it to prose (or novel format) since I believe this has potential, and in prose format it would flow better. Use what I gave you in the PM to help you with that.

To be fair, I think the current format suits it better. Maybe just needs a little bit of description and added detail between dialogue but it's a lot easier to write since in prose you would most likely have to use different variations on how the character says thing to not sound repetitive. And since the jedi's rarely say things with emotions this particular format (where emotion isn't needed) suits it. Also, star wars is something which you really have to picture in novels and fan-fictions and this format allows the reader more room to do just that

like I said before, I'm no Star Wars expert, so I wouldn't know what form to use. That was just my guess/suggestion since I was most comfortable writing that.