D: So, Ant Man, let’s talk about your childhood.
A: Well, I was born a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
D: Seriously, what was your childhood like?
A: Structured. You, know, it’s very hard to stand out when you’re part of a colony.
D: So, how do you stand out in an ant colony?
A: You get stepped on, mainly. That really makes you stand out from the crowd. I did have a near death experience once.
D: Really? What happened?
A: I was attacked by Satan.
D: Really. And what did Satan look like?
A: Alfred E. Newman. He had a giant glass eye and he was shooting hell rays at me from it.
D: Hmm. You sure it wasn’t a kid with a magnifying glass.
A: Nah, Satan’s giant glass eye of firey death it was.
D: So, how did you survive?
A: From Satans’ Giant Glass Eye Of Firey Death?
D: Siiigh… Yes.
A: Mighty Dave saved me.
D: Mighty Dave? Why was he called that?
A: Because he once lifted a corn kernel RIGHT above his head.
D: Uh…
A: Ants, remember?
D: OH! Well, then, that’s very impressive!
A: He was a hell of an ant, Mighty Dave. Just when it seemed like I was for the grill, he leapt into the light of Satans’ Giant Glass Eye Of Firey Death and pushed me to safety. Saved my life, he did.
D: And what happened to Mighty Dave?
A: Well, he was never the same after that incident really.
D: How so?
A: Well, he was dead. Tends to change a persons outlook on life some.
D: Indeed. Why don’t you tell me about your mother. What did she do?
A: She was an professional gymnast.
D: Really?
A: Yeah. She competed in the Antlympics once. Even won a medal.
D: Which one did she win?
A: Tin.
D: Oh.
A: The runner up won a very small piece of biscuit.
D: And what did third place get?
A: A one way ticket to hell.
D: Wow, tough judges.
A: Never f#@k with an ant, Doc.
D: So, what did your father do?
A: He worked at the string factory.
D: The string factory? What did that involve?
A: Well, every time a member of the colony would find a piece of string, they would take it to the string factory. There, our greatest ant scientists would tie them together, making an ever longer piece of string in preparation for… THE GREAT ESCAPE!
D The Great Escape? What’s that?
A: When that length of string reaches the required length, Doc, we’re going to hang it off the edge of this planet and SWING back to our home planet and FREEDOM!
D: I… I never dreamt…
A: We’re not meant to be here, Doc. All ants know that it was just a monumental mistake that we ended up on this planet and that one day soon we’re destined to return to our own.
D: And what’s that planet called?
A: Earth.
D: But… But you’re on earth?
A: WHAT!? Well why didn’t anyone tell us ants!? We’ve been trying to find this place for EVER!
D: Sorry.
A: Have you seen how long the piece of string is!?
D: No, how long?
A: Well… not very, but my dad went through years of rope burn to put that string together! He couldn’t even look at a yo-yo by the end!
D: Well, I’m sorry, but haven’t you ever seen an atlas?
A: I’M AN ANT! The only contact I have with books is trying to avoid them falling on me!
D: Of course, of course. Look, I’m sorry.
A: Aaah, it’s alright. Was probably a stupid idea anyway.
D: Do you miss your folks?
A: I didn’t miss them enough! I was the one who stepped on them, remember?
D: Oh. Right. But, I mean, do you wish they were still here?
A: Oh Doc. They’re always near. Everywhere I go, there’s always a little part of them that goes there with me… on the sole of my shoe mainly. Here, look!
D: I’m afraid our time is up.
A: Thanks, Doc.
D: Pleasure, Ant Man.
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