#1 Posted by GhostRider29 (2671 posts) - - Show Bio

I have this book I've been working on for a while. This is an extremely small part of the book, but I'd love to see how people think of it. Don't worry about understanding the story, just tell me what you think of the actual writing. Please respond, and if it's good or bad, I'd love to know. :) Just keep in mind the only kind of English/writing/reading classes I ever took was in high school. So this is probably going to look terrible... well, here it is!

Running through a flight of stairs to report to the master, the sergeant's dark blue uniform waves violently from the wild air rushing through the broken windows. He finally reaches the roof when he bursts out, startling the beautiful but muscular brunet female guarding the door.

“Sir, we've received news that we have defeated Poseidon!”

Yorkshirre, the man the sergeant ran to with much haste, smells the damp, acidic wind flowing in the southern direction with pleasure.

“Excellent Terry. I will lead our last and final attack. Prepare our men for the final battle to mark all of man kind!”

Terry exams his leader with distaste. From Yorkshirre's black combat boots and blood red jeans with a skull belt to his ridiculously ugly yellow shirt to his long, blue, wavy hair and an even brighter blue goatee that's beaded with orange beads. The only thing frightening to Yorkshirre is his all white eyes. No pupils, no iris, just all white.

“But sir, our men are too warn out. We haven't slept in over four days.”

Yorkshirre still staring out in the open, replies, “Do NOT question me, sergeant. You question me again and I will kill you.”

Terry's face turns pale, then quickly to red. Anger flushes to his head. He's tired of this so called “Master” ordering him around. He has fought along side with his men. Witnessed horrible deaths of innocent lives while Yorkshirre sits in his mansion playing chest. He finally makes his stand.

“You have done nothing to help our cause. We're losing over half of the human race just because YOU said that the Gods wanted to kill us. I'm not going to allo- akhh,” the sergeant can't finish his sentence. He's frozen in his place.

“I'm deeply saddened that I had to hear this sergeant. You were my favorite pawn to toy with. I warned you not to question me and now I have to kill you. I always keep my word. After all, I don't lie.”

Yorkshirre takes a quick glance around the roof of the tower he stands on. Very limited room for a twenty-three story tower. The Grey cement roof is fading into a rusty brown color covered in ash from battles of the night before. All other buildings have been destroyed. There were thousands of dead soldiers on the ground, rotting away.

“How do you feel about fire, Terry?” Yorkshirre asks this as if he really cared. The sergeant's face turns pale with fear.

Yorkshirre looks at the female soldier guarding the only door on the roof. The moment her fragile hazel eyes notices him staring at her, she stiffens up. A bead of sweat rolls down her beautiful but obviously terrified face.

Cute, she's a nervous wreck. As she should be. Yorkshirre thinks to himself.

Yorkshirre then waves his hand and the sergeant's body is covered from head to toe in fire. The sergeant can't move. He can't even scream in pain.

Yorkshirre knows this. He knows how bad it hurts and how badly the man wants to scream in pain. He relishes it all. Right before the burning of the flesh becomes fatal, Yorkshirre waves his hand to remove the fire and unfreezes the sergeant.

The moment the sergeant collapses on the ground, he begins to scream.

Yorkshirre grins and looks at the female guard. He points at her and demands, “You! What's your name girl?”

She nearly faints in fear but manages to reply, “N-n-name's Julie Kimble s-sir!”

Yorkshirre laughs. His evil, low pitched laugh.

“It's Sergeant Kimble now. And your first task, as sergeant, is to dispose of this disgrace.”

He points at the burnt fleshed ex sergeant still screaming in pain.

“Oh will you shut up!”

Yorkshirre points his finger to the mans throat, and even though he was still screaming, no sound came out.

“Ahh. That's much better. Now, be a dear and chuck this sorry excuse of a human being off this building.”

Sergeant Kimble replies, “Y-yes sir. Right away.”

She walks over and picks his burnt body up. She carries him over to the edge of the roof. With hesitation, she drops him. She can see the panic look on the poor mans face as he drops to his death. After the twenty-three story fall, he finally hit the ground with a bone crushing thug. She turns away, trying her best to contain the vomit from rising in her throat.

“Good. You'll make an excellent replacement. Now come. We have Gods to kill.”

Kimble wonders how on Earth is she suppose to live life now. Yorkshirre wonders what new wonderful ways could he kill Kimble when she finally messes up.

#2 Posted by _Psy_ (3410 posts) - - Show Bio
@GhostRider29
It's fine writing, but I don't think this is the post place to post the thread.
#3 Posted by Icarusflies (12512 posts) - - Show Bio

Writing, regardless if it's original characters or not, goes in the Fan-Fic section unless it's directly related to your RPG characters. I moved it for you. :)

Moderator
#4 Posted by GhostRider29 (2671 posts) - - Show Bio

@Icarusflies said:

Writing, regardless if it's original characters or not, goes in the Fan-Fic section unless it's directly related to your RPG characters. I moved it for you. :)

Thank you very much. :)

#5 Posted by Omniscience (327 posts) - - Show Bio

GhostRider29 says: *Yorkshirre"

Omniscience says: *Yorkshire.

#6 Posted by JSH92 (417 posts) - - Show Bio

Well, to me, it reads a bit awkward in the present tense, but maybe that's just me. I'm used to reading stories in the past tense. A few times you're inconsistent with verb tenses. I'll point those out specifically later. Here are some specific points of advice:

Paragraph 4: I think "man kind" should actually be written as "mankind," one word

Paragraph 5: After the first sentence, this entire paragraph becomes a run-on sentence and fragments. The main problem I had was the second sentence. Also, I think you mean "The only thing frightening about Yorkshirre..." not "to Yorkshirre."

Paragraph 6: Instead of "too warn out" it should be "too worn out"

Paragraph 8: I think you mean "sits in his mansion playing chess" not "playing chest"

Paragraph 11: The last sentence is an example of where you shift, probably accidentally, from present tense to past tense. When you say "There were thousands of dead...." it should be "There are" in order to keep consistency in verb tense.

Paragraph 18: There should be a comma between "Kimble" and "sir."

Paragraph 21: There should be a hyphen between "ex" and "sergeant" so that it's "ex-sergeant"

Paragraph 23: You're missing the apostrophe in "mans." Also, when you say "no sound came out" is another example of switching to past verb tense instead of staying in present tense.

Paragraph 26: I think maybe "thud" would work better than "thug" as a sound effect. The way you said it makes it sound kind of like Terry and a bone crushing thug both fell of the building and hit the ground together.

Overall, it looks pretty good, storyline-wise. I think maybe you just need to brush up on some of your grammatical skills a little bit. Good luck. :)

#7 Posted by GhostRider29 (2671 posts) - - Show Bio

@JSH92: Thank you very much. :) I just now noticed someone of the things you've stated. A lot of times, no matter how many times I go over something, I miss a few things.

#8 Posted by darth_brendroid (1692 posts) - - Show Bio

Some of the dialogue reads as cliche ("What's your name?" *person stutters out name* * receives promotion after an incompetent officer is killed*) and I think you mean 'gods' rather than 'Gods' ('gods' denoting a collective group of things like 'tigers' or 'wolves', whereas Gods implies the singular and a name like Tiger or Wolf).

Also, how do you run through a flight of stairs? I'm picturing this character literally crashing through a flight of stairs and falling onto the ground, covered in dust and debris. Your phrasing is also redundant when you say "He finally reaches the roof when he bursts out"; bursts out of what? The stairs? The fire escape? The hallway? We would also assume he reaches the roof, but the final phrase "he bursts out" finishes itself (in my mind) with "and reaches the roof", forming the sentence "He finally reaches the roof when he bursts out and reaches the roof". Maybe "He finally bursts out onto the roof" would work better?

How does he 'exam' his leader? Do you mean 'examines'? I'm in agreement that the present is awkward. I've only seen it used brilliantly very rarely. Also show us that Yorkshhire (Yorkshire?) is yelling or threatening - don't tell us. Just have him say "Don't question me sergeant". Leave no threat, have no emphasis. Just have him say that, very suddenly and very sharply and have him standing there confidently. Maybe he does something with his hands - maybe they twitch. As it is, Yorkshire seems like a boss cut from the mold of Darth Vader and painted with the cliches of a no-nonsense drill sergeant. Maybe he could work well, but he comes across as this arrogant, sexist douche with a Napoleonic complex and little self control.

I link you to this and ask you if Yorkshire is a caricature of evil or a human being who loves things and can have a normal life if your story never happened but, because of something disgusting and evil that drives him, he's become this antagonistic figure. I don't want to laugh at Yorkshire for being so obviously evil. That's not scary. I want you to terrify me with Yorkshire because he's not evil. Because he can feel love and be kind and appreciate the same things everyone else does. Hitler was a vegetarian who loved animals, art, music, exercising and wanted to make things better for the common people of Germany (hence the Volkswagen - People's Car). He was also virulently racist and that disgusting aspect of Hitler came to drive his social and foreign policies to such an extent that he's seen as the paragon of evil. At the moment Yorkshire doesn't chill me. You can't empathise with him. Maybe that's the point of this exert. If he's like this for the entire book, make me empathise with him. Scare me because he's not evil - scare me because we find him sympathetic but so disgusting it terrifies me that I feel that sympathy.

I also really pity Sergeant Kimble. I want to hug her. Don't make her stutter though. I tried that in a story once and it just didn't work. It was laughable. Writing a stutter is hard and needs research.

#9 Posted by GhostRider29 (2671 posts) - - Show Bio

@darth_brendroid: Thanks. You've been extremely helpful. :)

#10 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1722 posts) - - Show Bio

@GhostRider29: Very good, I believe has said everything, so good work. Will you be doing more?

#11 Posted by GhostRider29 (2671 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: I am. Thank you. :)

#12 Posted by batkevin74 (11212 posts) - - Show Bio

@GhostRider29: Is Yorkshirre spelt like that for effect or is it a typo? Other than that it seems fine, just short, so judging it is a bit hard to do