#1 Edited by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

Part 1: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/a-a-r-s-s-chapter-1-the-pain-in-1495085/#24

Part 2: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/a-a-r-s-s-chapter-2-the-a-a-r-s-s-strikes-back-1496521/#31

King Surfer King Origin tie-in: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/the-writers-guild-presents-9-20-13-1498437/


赤髭の息The Secret History of The Scottish Ninja Clan 赤髭の息

In 1600 William Adams became the first Englishman to set foot in Japan. He arrived with a crew of one hundred men who had been at sea for nineteen months. Tensions were high as the Portuguese Jesuit priests who had arrived years early to convert, educate and trade with the Japanese were advising the shogun that Adams was a pirate. Also that twenty of his crew were violently ill and dying. Through gifts, trade, skilled negotiating and genuine curiosity, William Adams and the shogun became friendly and eventually allies. This is not the story of William Adams though.

Hamish, Travis, Shamus and Connor MacHaggis were brothers from the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. Fine strapping lads with a shock of red hair that coated their heads and their chins making them look like man-lions. Loyal to each other and lovers of a drink when they were finally allowed out onto the unsuspecting Japanese populace havoc and merriment were had after nineteen months at sea serving Adams. The brothers found saké to their liking along with the demure women who were fascinated by these barbarian brothers.

By 1601 the brothers had fathered forty six children. They were hauled before the shogun along with their “mongrel” offspring and “soiled” women. The shogun was about to have them all put to death but William along with urging by the priests had them all put onto a ship and exiled from Japan.

The ship, the Dōbutsu, sailed southwest and after weeks at sea, in which Travis drunkenly fell over board and was eaten by a shark, they landed upon Yonaguni Island some ninety miles away from Formosa (later known as Taiwan).

The MacHaggis brothers vowed revenge on all who would thwart their activities. Using the knowledge of the women and having an almost ready made army, they began training, building and plotting their revenge. Over time the army family grew and due to several sisters who were brides of the brothers a new name was adopted: MacHimura or sons of the red beard!

Blending Scottish ferocity with Japanese steel proved a winning combination, the MacHimura becoming skilled pirates and raiders. They were a law unto themselves and no ship was safe. They made enemies of the Triads in China, the Yakuza in Japan, the shogun, the English, Portuguese, Dutch and the Spanish.

In 1635 the English had had enough and sent gunships to end the MacHimura but all it did was wound them; and a wounded animal is dangerous. The MacHimura went to ground, blending silently into the night to become things of legend for the next century. They returned in around 1770 when the castle at Glennfinnian disappeared over the course of the year. Reports only say tartan ghosts seemingly stole the castle brick by brick. It is also rumoured they set up the Namamugi Incident in 1862, killed Ma Xinyi a Qing general in 1870 and also Prince Itō Hirobumi the first Prime Minister of Japan in 1909!

Today much like other mysterious ninja organisations, they sell their skills and swords to the highest bidder but their loyalties remain to their clan.


Motor City, Illinois, USA

“Your order is up!” growled Spatulus as he leapt forward and smashed his nemesis across the face with a spatula right hook, rattling Sir Smart’s metallic brain around in his head before the left spatula slapped him across the face leaving a nasty welt on his cheek, followed by a kick in the stomach sending him across the room like a rag doll.

Spinister looked at the urban cook-mando, weighing up whether to attack or not when Penmanship advanced towards the protector of Cookietown twirling two pencils in his hands.

“Always wanted to kill you!” stated Penmanship.

“Better people than you have tried!” snapped Spatulus.

“Oh brother!” moaned Spinister “I’m outta here!” And with that he spun off like a jet powered tornado.

A.A.R.S.S HQ, Coney Island, New York, USA

Dish-Man slumped into a chair at the monitor desk and began to work the computer. Several A.A.R.S.S beacons had been activated: Bistro, Barf Man even founder of A.A.R.S.S King Surfer King.

“This is Dish-Man of A.A.R.S.S putting out a priority one emergency klaxon alert! All A.A.R.S.S’s to call in their locations”

“This is reserve member Bistro, Del Boca Vista Florida” came the first reply.

“This is King Surfer King calling in from Kauō”

Dish-Man smiled “Always nice to hear your voice sir”

“This is Algebraic Man; I am currently in Sandwich, Massachusetts”

“Little busy now Dish!”

Dish-Man tapped the computer and brought up a GPS locator on Grappling Cook, the defender of Champagne City. “Trouble with Scottish ninjas?”

“And then some!”

Dish-Man turned to his sidekicks and his team mate “He won’t ask but Grappling Cook needs help”

“Climb aboard!” said Space Horse and soon they were away.

Motor City, Illinois, USA

Spatulus and Penmanship traded blow for blow; pen stab for spatula slap in a brutal display of martial arts prowess. The pair paused, eyeing each other off, plotting their next strikes.

“I see you’ve studied under Bi-Roe” acknowledged Spatulus as he flipped blood away from his nostril.

“Thank you”

“Wasn’t a compliment!” Spatulus slapped the assassin on the thigh with a nasty thwack. Penmanship back flipped away, flinging a barrage of pens that were only narrowly deflected by the Teflon toolhands.

Slowly Sir Smart staggered to his feet. He blinked, trying to refocus his vision as his metallic brain began to stop vibrating inside his skull. He reached into his belt to get his laser gun when a hand caught his wrist.

“Not yet!” said a firm voice. Sir Smart looked up the offending arm to see Dr Dog! “Really Archibald, you can’t follow a simple plan without making it a convoluted nightmare!”

“Your plan lacked panache! No style!” huffed Sir Smart.

“So you hired Scottish ninjas!” snapped Dr Dog grabbing the evil genius by the collar “Can’t you just kill someone?”

“Like you’ve killed an A.A.R.S.S!”

Dr Dog snapped his fingers and a pair of Pomeranians trotted in dragging the remains of Band Aid Man “Oh really?” Sir Smart stood aghast, shocked by the sight of two hairy balls of fluff dragging in the bloodied bandages one of A.A.R.S.S’s former leaders. “Now let’s leave before Spatulus see’s you’re awake and knocks you out again!”

Champagne City

Grappling Cook looked around at the circle of death around him. About thirteen Scottish ninjas armed to the teeth. Still it was less than the seemingly endless wave that had initially attacked him and trapped him in this alley.

“Yoo are going t’die!” barked one in their terrible Scottish accents.

“I prefer my ninjas silent!” laughed Cook as he fired his last pneumatic grappled hook into his throat; crunching his Adam’s apple and sending him to the ground flapping about like a landed fish.

“KILL HIM!” screeched another and the twelve converged on him.

“NOT TODAY!” roared Space Horse from above as he flew down beside his team mate; Dish-Man, Bus Boy & Bus Girl on his back.

“What are you doing here?” said Grappling Cook gruffly “I…”

“Us A.A.R.S.S’s need to stick together,” interrupted Dish-Man as the fight erupted in the alley like an old school gang fight.

Dr Dog’s Secret Lair, No Name, Colorado

“For a genius, you make some pretty stupid decisions!” roared Dr Dog at Sir Smart who was flanked by a veritable sea of chihuaha’s, poodles, Daschunds and Norfolk terriers.

“That’s what I told you!” added Spinister.

“Oh shut up!” cried Sir Smart “You ran away!”

“Both of you shut up!” snapped Dr Dog “Or I’ll unleash the hounds!”

Spinister raised an eyebrow at the army of “hounds” but decided to keep his mouth shut.

“It seems my plan to separate the A.A.R.S.S members and kill them off one by one has failed!” Dr Dog scratched vigorously behind his ear “And by involving the Scottish ninja clan, you’ve made the A.A.R.S.S clench tightly together!”

“Bah! You fail to see majesty of the grand tapestry I was weaving!” scoffed Sir Smart.

Dr Dog shook his head “Regardless, we are moving into phase two”

“There was a phase one?” said Spinister quite shocked.

Motor City, Illinois, USA

Spatulus stood over the beaten and bloody Penmanship, blood trickling from his mouth “The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it’s useless against a spatula! Now before you pass out, you better start talking or I am going to flip you so hard and so often you’ll think you’re a pancake!”

To be continued......


Thanks to Tommythehitman for Dr Dog, joshmight be for Grappling Cook

No Name is an ACTUAL town in Colorado, also Sandwich MA and Cookie Town :)

#2 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio
#3 Posted by AweSam (7517 posts) - - Show Bio

We're back on! Good job!

#4 Posted by TommytheHitman (3951 posts) - - Show Bio

Yay! Dr Dog! The greatest character I've ever... not written... great job Batkev!

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio


Hell yeah! It's over to you now for chapter 4, then if he wants too chapter 5 for @joshmightbe if not back to me. Hopefully I left enough for you to work with and did Spatulus justice with his taking down of Penmanship.

As for Dr Dog, thanks for the crazy idea @tommythehitman he is kinda brilliant and weird, with a fondness for small yappy rat dogs that he can talk to :)

#6 Edited by cbishop (8703 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Dangit! It's "Dishman!" No hyphen! >:{ ...Also: "Busboy" and "Busgirl," no spaces.

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop said:

@batkevin74: Dangit! It's "Dishman!" No hyphen! >:{ ...Also: "Busboy" and "Busgirl," no spaces.

Yeah, I know but trust me it is better with a hyphen :) Spider-Man, Jay-Z, Hyphen-ation, Courtney Cox-Arquette

#8 Posted by cbishop (8703 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Just because you got it wrong the first time does not make it correct! Grr.

#9 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: Prior to this series Dishman or as I like to call him Dish-Man, was doing...well nothing! On the drying rack of life, washed up and unused! One little hyphen has made him excellent! :)

#10 Edited by cbishop (8703 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Oh, he wasn't unused, just unseen on CV. Fix the hyphens and spaces in future chapters, please.

#11 Posted by joshmightbe (25858 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Great chapter, love what you're doing with Grappling Cook. Its way better than anything I ever did with it.

#12 Posted by wildvine (10422 posts) - - Show Bio

Motor City, Illinois, USA

Spatulus stood over the beaten and bloody Penmanship, blood trickling from his mouth “The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it’s useless against a spatula! Now before you pass out, you better start talking or I am going to flip you so hard and so often you’ll think you’re a pancake!”

This made me chuckle

#13 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Spatulus is like the Batman of this universe, but so is Grappling Cook and Dish-Man. Each I think have a different aspect of our favourite flying mammal vigilante. How I see them is: Spatulus is Dark Knight-Frank Miller-esque violent Batman, Grappling Cook is gadget Batman and Dish-Man is sidekick collecting Batman

#14 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1754 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Very nice, quite pun filled "you’ve made the A.A.R.S.S clench tightly together!” and funny “There was a phase one?” said Spinister quite shocked.

#15 Edited by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

Thanks! More when

@awesam: writes chapter 4, due on CV in a little while. AARSS is fun :)

For some reason my @'ing isn't working and the comments I have to repost....weird

#16 Posted by AweSam (7517 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Sorry, I'll have it up by tomorrow or Tuesday latest.

#17 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

@awesam: No real rush! Looking forward to it

#18 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio


#19 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (1754 posts) - - Show Bio

Bumped as requested...hopefully all my bumping will get a chapter 4 perhaps hmmm? :)

#20 Posted by batkevin74 (12111 posts) - - Show Bio

@4donkeyjohnson: Yeah eventually...took me a while to find this anyways. 4 soon...it's been a year...what's a little longer