King Surfer King Origin tie-in: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/the-writers-guild-presents-9-20-13-1498437/
In 1600 William Adams became the first Englishman to set foot in Japan. He arrived with a crew of one hundred men who had been at sea for nineteen months. Tensions were high as the Portuguese Jesuit priests who had arrived years early to convert, educate and trade with the Japanese were advising the shogun that Adams was a pirate. Also that twenty of his crew were violently ill and dying. Through gifts, trade, skilled negotiating and genuine curiosity, William Adams and the shogun became friendly and eventually allies. This is not the story of William Adams though.
Hamish, Travis, Shamus and Connor MacHaggis were brothers from the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. Fine strapping lads with a shock of red hair that coated their heads and their chins making them look like man-lions. Loyal to each other and lovers of a drink when they were finally allowed out onto the unsuspecting Japanese populace havoc and merriment were had after nineteen months at sea serving Adams. The brothers found saké to their liking along with the demure women who were fascinated by these barbarian brothers.
By 1601 the brothers had fathered forty six children. They were hauled before the shogun along with their “mongrel” offspring and “soiled” women. The shogun was about to have them all put to death but William along with urging by the priests had them all put onto a ship and exiled from Japan.
The ship, the Dōbutsu, sailed southwest and after weeks at sea, in which Travis drunkenly fell over board and was eaten by a shark, they landed upon Yonaguni Island some ninety miles away from Formosa (later known as Taiwan).
The MacHaggis brothers vowed revenge on all who would thwart their activities. Using the knowledge of the women and having an almost ready made army, they began training, building and plotting their revenge. Over time the army family grew and due to several sisters who were brides of the brothers a new name was adopted: MacHimura or sons of the red beard!
Blending Scottish ferocity with Japanese steel proved a winning combination, the MacHimura becoming skilled pirates and raiders. They were a law unto themselves and no ship was safe. They made enemies of the Triads in China, the Yakuza in Japan, the shogun, the English, Portuguese, Dutch and the Spanish.
In 1635 the English had had enough and sent gunships to end the MacHimura but all it did was wound them; and a wounded animal is dangerous. The MacHimura went to ground, blending silently into the night to become things of legend for the next century. They returned in around 1770 when the castle at Glennfinnian disappeared over the course of the year. Reports only say tartan ghosts seemingly stole the castle brick by brick. It is also rumoured they set up the Namamugi Incident in 1862, killed Ma Xinyi a Qing general in 1870 and also Prince Itō Hirobumi the first Prime Minister of Japan in 1909!
Today much like other mysterious ninja organisations, they sell their skills and swords to the highest bidder but their loyalties remain to their clan.
Motor City, Illinois, USA
“Your order is up!” growled Spatulus as he leapt forward and smashed his nemesis across the face with a spatula right hook, rattling Sir Smart’s metallic brain around in his head before the left spatula slapped him across the face leaving a nasty welt on his cheek, followed by a kick in the stomach sending him across the room like a rag doll.
Spinister looked at the urban cook-mando, weighing up whether to attack or not when Penmanship advanced towards the protector of Cookietown twirling two pencils in his hands.
“Always wanted to kill you!” stated Penmanship.
“Better people than you have tried!” snapped Spatulus.
“Oh brother!” moaned Spinister “I’m outta here!” And with that he spun off like a jet powered tornado.
A.A.R.S.S HQ, Coney Island, New York, USA
Dish-Man slumped into a chair at the monitor desk and began to work the computer. Several A.A.R.S.S beacons had been activated: Bistro, Barf Man even founder of A.A.R.S.S King Surfer King.
“This is Dish-Man of A.A.R.S.S putting out a priority one emergency klaxon alert! All A.A.R.S.S’s to call in their locations”
“This is reserve member Bistro, Del Boca Vista Florida” came the first reply.
“This is King Surfer King calling in from Kauō”
Dish-Man smiled “Always nice to hear your voice sir”
“This is Algebraic Man; I am currently in Sandwich, Massachusetts”
“Little busy now Dish!”
Dish-Man tapped the computer and brought up a GPS locator on Grappling Cook, the defender of Champagne City. “Trouble with Scottish ninjas?”
“And then some!”
Dish-Man turned to his sidekicks and his team mate “He won’t ask but Grappling Cook needs help”
“Climb aboard!” said Space Horse and soon they were away.
Motor City, Illinois, USA
Spatulus and Penmanship traded blow for blow; pen stab for spatula slap in a brutal display of martial arts prowess. The pair paused, eyeing each other off, plotting their next strikes.
“I see you’ve studied under Bi-Roe” acknowledged Spatulus as he flipped blood away from his nostril.
“Wasn’t a compliment!” Spatulus slapped the assassin on the thigh with a nasty thwack. Penmanship back flipped away, flinging a barrage of pens that were only narrowly deflected by the Teflon toolhands.
Slowly Sir Smart staggered to his feet. He blinked, trying to refocus his vision as his metallic brain began to stop vibrating inside his skull. He reached into his belt to get his laser gun when a hand caught his wrist.
“Not yet!” said a firm voice. Sir Smart looked up the offending arm to see Dr Dog! “Really Archibald, you can’t follow a simple plan without making it a convoluted nightmare!”
“Your plan lacked panache! No style!” huffed Sir Smart.
“So you hired Scottish ninjas!” snapped Dr Dog grabbing the evil genius by the collar “Can’t you just kill someone?”
“Like you’ve killed an A.A.R.S.S!”
Dr Dog snapped his fingers and a pair of Pomeranians trotted in dragging the remains of Band Aid Man “Oh really?” Sir Smart stood aghast, shocked by the sight of two hairy balls of fluff dragging in the bloodied bandages one of A.A.R.S.S’s former leaders. “Now let’s leave before Spatulus see’s you’re awake and knocks you out again!”
Grappling Cook looked around at the circle of death around him. About thirteen Scottish ninjas armed to the teeth. Still it was less than the seemingly endless wave that had initially attacked him and trapped him in this alley.
“Yoo are going t’die!” barked one in their terrible Scottish accents.
“I prefer my ninjas silent!” laughed Cook as he fired his last pneumatic grappled hook into his throat; crunching his Adam’s apple and sending him to the ground flapping about like a landed fish.
“KILL HIM!” screeched another and the twelve converged on him.
“NOT TODAY!” roared Space Horse from above as he flew down beside his team mate; Dish-Man, Bus Boy & Bus Girl on his back.
“What are you doing here?” said Grappling Cook gruffly “I…”
“Us A.A.R.S.S’s need to stick together,” interrupted Dish-Man as the fight erupted in the alley like an old school gang fight.
Dr Dog’s Secret Lair, No Name, Colorado
“For a genius, you make some pretty stupid decisions!” roared Dr Dog at Sir Smart who was flanked by a veritable sea of chihuaha’s, poodles, Daschunds and Norfolk terriers.
“That’s what I told you!” added Spinister.
“Oh shut up!” cried Sir Smart “You ran away!”
“Both of you shut up!” snapped Dr Dog “Or I’ll unleash the hounds!”
Spinister raised an eyebrow at the army of “hounds” but decided to keep his mouth shut.
“It seems my plan to separate the A.A.R.S.S members and kill them off one by one has failed!” Dr Dog scratched vigorously behind his ear “And by involving the Scottish ninja clan, you’ve made the A.A.R.S.S clench tightly together!”
“Bah! You fail to see majesty of the grand tapestry I was weaving!” scoffed Sir Smart.
Dr Dog shook his head “Regardless, we are moving into phase two”
“There was a phase one?” said Spinister quite shocked.
Motor City, Illinois, USA
Spatulus stood over the beaten and bloody Penmanship, blood trickling from his mouth “The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it’s useless against a spatula! Now before you pass out, you better start talking or I am going to flip you so hard and so often you’ll think you’re a pancake!”
To be continued......
Thanks to Tommythehitman for Dr Dog, joshmight be for Grappling Cook
No Name is an ACTUAL town in Colorado, also Sandwich MA and Cookie Town :)