5th Column Comics: New Year Special

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TommytheHitman

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Christmas New Year Special!

It was the time of year everyone on the planet looked forward to, the end of the Christmas season! While some enjoyed it for the festive spirit and others enjoyed it for the gifts and good fortune shared, the citizens of Indigo City enjoyed it for another, more obvious reason.

The Carrier Blight Task Force's annual end of year party was always a pleasure to behold.

"Ladies, gentlemen... and whatever the hell Renaissance Man is trying to be." Morris Pfeifer said from the stage overlooking the festivities. "Free food and the Quoll having a heart attack weren't the only surprises we had for you tonight!" The CBTF Director forcefully pushed a man dressed in a smart tuxedo onto the front of the stage for everyone to see. "We have a surprise guest! I give you all... Idris Elba!"

Lex Hard let out a loud groan as he slapped away Pfeifer's hand.

"I am NOT Idris Elba!" He snapped before jumping off the stage and rejoining the party. "And you're all idiots!"

Pfeifer stared in silence as the Carrier terrorist stormed over to the snack bar and started filling his mouth with garlic bread. It was like the Director's mother used to say... 'if a man didn't gain weight on Christmas he was doing something wrong'.

"Enjoy the party!" He finally said as the crowd went back to their own business.

Alexander Wolffe stared at his paper plate of food with sheer disgust, by his side were the two crimefighters Wind Duster and Diver, both of which were busy munching on bags of junkfood.

"This food is a crime against nature." Wolffe decided, setting his plate down on a nearby table. "It looks like something YOU cooked!" He snapped while pointing at Diver.

"What?!" Diver looked offended as he wiped salt from around his mouth. "Don't blame me! I bring my own food to these sorts of things!" He revealed a packet of jellybeans inside his pocket and smirked slightly at his craftiness. "Getting it past security is a nightmare..."

"Why are you even here, Wolffe?" Wind Duster asked, the lower half of his mask rolled up to let him eat his food while concealing his identity. "Don't you, like... hate the CBTF?"

Wolffe shrugged before picking up his plate and taking a bite out of a spicy Chicken wing. His face turned bright red and his pupils dialated. "Je... Jesus!" He gasped, wiping sweat from his forehead. "These... these are pathetic!" He lied. "I.. I shoulda got the atomic!" He panted, insides burning up.

"Those are the mild." Diver pointed out. "Dude you totally ordered the mi-"

Wolffe dropped his plate to the ground and sprinted to the other side of the room, gasping and panting for breath. Wind Duster and Diver watched their friend leave before casually fist bumping each other.

Across the room, Peacekeeper was busy feeling awkward, she was out of place among the rich and famous of Indigo City. Granted she was richer then all of them put together... but she was still out of her element.

"So dude... I totally... bro. I don't even..."

Rocking Roll on the other hand was having a whale of a time. He had a bottle of red wine in one hand and his electric guitar in the other. Long, unclean blonde hair was draped around his shoulders, staining his already dirty formal attire.

"Are you okay?" Heat Seeker asked, his eyes twitching nervously every time a CBTF officer walked by. Peacekeeper had never met him before... but after a few seconds of talking to him she'd concluded that he was an idiot. Like most people she knew.

"He's just high." Peacekeeper explained. "I can tell because his pupils are twitching erratically. His hands are shaking as well... and also because he just looks really stoned."

Heat Seeker looked at the genius standing before him in amazement. "Wow." He muttered. "That's VERY impressive. Wait... so this guy's a junkie?" Rocking Roll had a long, dumb smile on his face as he turned around and started to wander around the room, mumbling something about ACDC. "Should we be watching him?" Seeker asked.

"Didn't you used to be a drug dealer?"

"And then... then the giraffe said... 'come back'!"

A group of people let out a series of loud laughs as Diver and Wind Duster both clanged beers together before taking a drink.

"Never heard that one before, Diver." Wind Duster said.

"I made it up on the spot." The aquatic avenger admitted.

"Very funny." The two men glanced up to see Agent Heironymous staring coldly at them from the crowd. "But... I have a joke of my own, that actually relates to the two imbeciles before me."

Wind Duster and Diver were both regretting their decision to tell a joke to the nearest group.

"Would you like to hear it?" Heironymous asked.

"Well..."

"Why can't dinosaurs talk?" Heironymous said. Diver winced slightly, already anticipating the punchline.

"Why?" Wind Duster asked.

"Because..." Heironymous snorted slightly at his own joke. "...because they're all dead!"

The Response were the main draw of the party, their two main members, Freight Train and Dark Arrow both stood in the corner of the room, both struggling to enjoy the party due to them both being asked for pictures and selfies with various celebrities.

"Holy crap!" Freight Train yelled, his large stature letting him see above the crowd. "I didn't know Denzel Washington was here!"

"Who cares?" Arrow sighed while taking a selfie with a young, eager fan.

"Hey guys?" The two men turned to see their employer, January Morgan stood before them, a group of teenagers around her. "These are the 'Kinetics Klub'. That's club with a K." The teens all stepped forward, they looked pretty bored by the adult affairs going on around them. "I'm babysitting them for a friend." She explained. "Could you watch them for a minute?" She asked. "I need to powder my nose."

Freight Train and Dark Arrow both glanced at each other with confusion.

"Why are they even h-" Dark Arrow started to ask before looking back to find January had disappeared, leaving the two superheroes in charge of the small group.

"So..." Freight Train said, putting on his friendliest voice. "What're your nam-"

"Screw you old man." The Klub's leader said before turning to his team. "C'mon guys! Let's ditch these losers and go get a drink!"

Back at the snack bar, Lex Hard was busy polishing off the last of the eclairs when he heard the sound of a familiar enemy coming his way. Slowly he looked up from his meal and saw Alexander Wolffe glaring at him.

"Wolffe." He said as their eyes locked.

"Eissenhardt."

The two Carriers glared at each other for several seconds, the entire room went completely silent.

"We'll do this later." Lex sighed before leaving, bringing a new plate with him. Wolffe watched his rival leave with angry eyes before returning to his objective.

"Alright lemon cakes." He said while rubbing his hands, Wolffe telekinetically lifted up the plate and gave off a devillish grin. "Prepare to die!"

After several minutes the entire plate of specially prepared lemon squares had disappeared, leaving nothing but crumbs behind. Wolffe let off a loud groan before noticing that one, final square remained.

"Wolffe?"

The Carrier Terrorist looked up to see Peacekeeper staring at him from across the table. Memories sparked in his mind and he remembered their previous encounter... then he saw the vigilante's eyes dart towards the final cake.

"Uh... hi." Alex said, his eyes letting off a silent plea. "I... I'm really sorry for trying to kill you the last time we met." He lied. An awkward silence passed between the two individuals. "So... can I have the last cake?" He asked.

Peacekeeper had no mercy, her hand shot out and grabbed the final cake which she popped into her mouth. Wolffe's face was filled with dismay as the woman spun on her heel and walked away.

"...I deserved that." He admitted.

Morris Pfeifer watched the proceedings with a smile, acorss the room, Rocking Roll was busy vomiting over Princess Carolyn's dress... while in the corner the underage Kinetics Klub were busy getting wasted.

"It's going to better then last year." The Director muttered, his secretary, Perry by his side, texting on her phone. He watched as Diver and Wind Duster both engaged in witty comebacks before engaging in several fistbumps. "Did we even have one last year?" He asked.

"We were just getting started last year, sir." Perry pointed out. The Director nodded as he watched the 'champions' of Indigo City finally relax after a long, dark year of death and tragedy.

"And we're just getting started now." Pfeifer added while watching Alex Wolffe discreetly shove lemon cake slices under his jacket. "Y'know Perry, I think the Great Impact did more then just give humanity super powers."

"Sir?"

"I think it gave humanity a chance to become even better then it ev-"

"Sir?!"

Pfeifer's eyes darted towards the windows where an orange furball stood, completely naked for everyone to see. oud screams filled the air, mosty coming from Diver's mouth.

"Goddamn it Quoll!" Wind Duster yelled while looking away in horror. "I didn't want to see that!"

"I... I'm gonna be si-" Diver started to say before bending over and throwing up green chunks all over the floor.

The fuzzy Australian let out a loud, evil cackle as he danced around in front of the window.

"You blokes thought I was dead?!" He laughed. "I'm comin' back for more!"

The whole room turned away in disgust, Pfeifer activated the window blinds, shielding the Quoll from the rest of the room.

"Hang on..." Peacekeeper did a quick headcount, concern etched on her face. "Where's the Hood?!" She yelled.

Before anyone could respond, the elevator leading to the party area whirred open... and a large, dark figure stepped into the room, a six pack of alcohol under his arm.

"I brought the booze!" Axe-Man yelled as he stepped inside, only to turn pale upon seeing all the Carrier heroes staring at him. He dropped the cans in shock as Peacekeeper, Diver and Wind Duster all stepped towards him. "I... I may have the wrong party." He stammered, realizing he'd left his weapon at home.

"No sh!t." Diver said as the whole room lunged towards the unfortunate supervillain.

__________________________________

"Welcome to the Beneforce Christmas Party!"

Across town in a less cheerful building belonging to Indigo City stood Matthew Scythe, elderly supervillain with a hobby for genocide. Around him were the greatest villains of the age, all united to enjoy a single evening.

"Uh..." The Hood glanced at his fellow partygoers nervously. Quickly he glanced at his party invitation. "...I may have got the wrong address."

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cbishop

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@tommythehitman: Man, I have told some corny jokes in my time, but Heironymous... that was a crime against character, man. lol Happy New Year.

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#4  Edited By TommytheHitman
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knightofthechronicle

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TommytheHitman

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#6  Edited By TommytheHitman
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knightofthechronicle

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@tommythehitman: loved the fist bump of course. But then when Quoll showed up I lost it

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TommytheHitman

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ImpurestCheese

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@tommythehitman: That damm Quoll is such a Party Animal. And nice Axeman cameo to boot

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TommytheHitman

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Alexander_Wolffe

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@tommythehitman: I don't know what else to say except...this is easily one of my favorite fanfics out there. Absolutely perfect! My favorite parts were definitely Ed and Mark with Wolffe. Lmao they were great.

I almost always chuckle at your issues, but this one genuinely had my laughing. Nicely done. Definitely one of my favorite works.

And happy belated new year!

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TommytheHitman

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Personally I like the part where Peacekeeper steals the last lemon cake from Wolffe. Or the part where Alex and Hard both meet and just kinda glare at each other.@alexander_wolffe:

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Alexander_Wolffe

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@tommythehitman: Totally agree. All the Wolffe moments were fantastic.

Btw I've had the Wolffe and lemon cakes issue done for a while now. Should be posted sometime this week.

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@tommythehitman: No, I chuckle at most of them. That one made me cringe. Mostly because it was bad, and horribly out of character for Heironymous...but I've had an idea to reference this later. :)

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@tommythehitman: No, I chuckle at most of them. That one made me cringe. Mostly because it was bad, and horribly out of character for Heironymous...but I've had an idea to reference this later. :)

Dang, I have no clue what that idea was now. I think I need to come up with something though. :)

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@cbishop: This is a bit out of the blue Bish!

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@tommythehitman: This was like one of those Marvel mega team up, out of continuity, one shot specials AND I'd totally missed its existence until now.

Good job.

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cbishop

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@tommythehitman: Yeah I was reading some old stuff. The comment is really just a reminder for me to come back to this idea.

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@cbishop said:
@ficopedia said:

@tommythehitman: No, I chuckle at most of them. That one made me cringe. Mostly because it was bad, and horribly out of character for Heironymous...but I've had an idea to reference this later. :)

Dang, I have no clue what that idea was now. I think I need to come up with something though. :)

I still have no idea what the reference idea was. I was re-reading this just now though, thinking I'd have to have Heironymous claim he was drunk, or just really hated dinosaurs. lol

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@cbishop said:

@tommythehitman: I remembered what the idea to reference it was! Woot! XD

His amnesia is cured! HuzzaH! :)

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@cbishop said:

@tommythehitman: I remembered what the idea to reference it was! Woot! XD

His amnesia is cured! HuzzaH! :)

lol, Yeah, it came back to me. Same idea is going to fix a few problems I've written for myself. :)