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Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio

You might remember the (crazy) Comic Vine interview with Hybrid Bastards! creator Tom Pinchuk at the Long Beach Comic Con.  You've heard about Hybrid Bastards and have even seen a step-by-step process on the birth of the Hybrid Bastards by Tom himself.  Comic Vine is partnering with Hybrid Bastards! publisher Archaia to give you a chance to create your own Bastard.  Interested?  Check out the video for details:
 

   

TAKE THE HYBRID BASTARDS! ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!

 
Zeus, that randy philandering Greek god... his freakish night spent in a spell-induced, lust-filled free-for-all with every inanimate object in sight produced not just bastards, but HYBRID BASTARDS!
 
Creators Tom Pinchuk and Kate Glasheen brought you COTTON, a smarmy cloth patchwork; CARMINE, a timid automobile; COREY, a self-loathing apple; and WALTER, a belligerent stack of bricks. Now, they want to get you in on the game ! They want to find out what kind of hybrid bastards you can create!

THE CHALLENGE: In 50 words or less, describe your very own hybrid bastard -- an anthropomorphic inanimate object with a "punny" name!  Something that could easily fit into their twisted reinvention of Greek mythology!  Tom and Kate will select the five entries that tickle their fancies the most!

THE PRIZES:

 
RUNNERS-UP: An original painted page from HYBRID BASTARDS! plus a hardcover from the Archaia library (including MOUSE GUARD: FALL, MOUSE GUARD: WINTER, AWAKENING VOL. 1, ROBOTIKA VOL. 1  and THE KILLER Vol.1)!

GRAND PRIZE: A drawing of your Bastard by Kate Glasheen, plus an Archaia T-Shirt and the aforementioned original painted page and Archaia hardcover!

GET UP AND TAKE ACTION!
The HYBRID BASTARDS! hardcover is coming out this coming January from Archaia! Pre-order it at amazon.com (for a $6, 32% discount) and through PREVIEWS, Diamond code SEP 090596! We weren't joking about pre-orders! They are CRITICALLY IMPORTANT! PARAMOUNT! CRUCIAL!

FINE PRINT OF THE GODS: Winning characters become the property of Tom Pinchuk and Kate Glasheen and do not entitle winning entrants to any remuneration beyond the aforementioned prizes.  Winning characters' resemblance to any past or future HYBRID BASTARDS! character is purely coincidental.
ComicVine.com takes no responsibility of any foaming at the mouth after reading HYBRID BASTARDS!
 
The contest will run until midnight PST Monday November 30, 2009.  The winners will be chosen and announced on Monday December 14, 2009. 
POST ENTRIES IN THIS THREAD!

For more information on the Hybrid Bastards! visit: http://www.archaiasp.com/hybrid_bastards.php
Staff
#1 Posted by Comiclove5 (1258 posts) - - Show Bio

I love it! Best damn Ad ever!

#2 Posted by Benzo (621 posts) - - Show Bio

Awesome ad!!! i might start picking up archaia comics now !!!!!

#3 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio
@spookychan said:
" Best fucking ad ever!  Hurry kids, this is a great contest~! Wonderful book, Kate's art is to die for- and Archaia titles? What more could you want? "
I couldn't have said it better myself!
Staff
#4 Posted by aztek_the_lost (28224 posts) - - Show Bio

hahaha! oh wow, that was amazing 
 
why is it that Zeus sowing his seed in inanimate objects doesn't surprise me?

Moderator
#5 Posted by jloneblackheart (5519 posts) - - Show Bio

I wish I was creative

Moderator
#6 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio
@jloneblackheart: Just think of some weird inanimate object that Zeus might have gotten...frisky with and try to come up with a clever name.
Staff
#7 Posted by Fresh0133 (496 posts) - - Show Bio

So, do we post them here or send them directly to Tom and Kate's mail here?
#8 Posted by No_Name_ (17403 posts) - - Show Bio
@Fresh03 said:
" So, do we post them here or send them directly to Tom and Kate's mail here? "
Post them in this thread
 
BEST ADVERT EVER BTW! Way to go, Tom.
#9 Posted by Fresh0133 (496 posts) - - Show Bio

One last question, is there a limit to how many Bastards we can enter?  I came up with several on the commute home from work, so just wondering.

#10 Edited by textbasedadvent (2 posts) - - Show Bio

Emory the MRI Hybrid Bastard:

Emory is the result of Zeus’s philandering with a Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine (he f’ed an MRI). She’s a very big girl and incredibly attractive, especially to ferrous metals. She’s quite perceptive and can scan any situation or person and know exactly what’s wrong, except when it comes to herself.

#11 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio
@Fresh03: ...We didn't state a limit so go for it.  
 
One suggestion for everyone, how about putting a big title on your 'entry' so that Tom and Kate can easily sort them out.
Staff
#12 Edited by theSMOC (1 posts) - - Show Bio

"Perry"

Consumed by fury and thoughts of wreaking revenge on the gods who imprisoned his once-sublime soul within the makhaira of Ares himself, Perry now lives only to block the way of anyone seeking the happiness that he seems forever denied.
#13 Posted by daveydavey (359 posts) - - Show Bio

Ernest

 

 

While makeing y'know with a toilet paper roll some of Zeus' love juice hits the toilet. Ernest now makes his living by helping people out in emergency situations..hehe

#14 Posted by Media_Master (2189 posts) - - Show Bio

That ad was rad!

#15 Posted by Red L.A.M.P. (2828 posts) - - Show Bio

Tom needs to make a trek up to Comicvine Corporate Headquarters.  We need him on some CV Video and Podcasts.  The man is insane.  We like insane.

Staff
#16 Edited by katiecrimespree_III_jr_MD (14 posts) - - Show Bio

Keep 'em coming guys!   Only a 2 weeks until my pencil has an abortion all
over the winner's drawing.
 
@SpookyChan: Damn straight!

#17 Edited by Fresh0133 (496 posts) - - Show Bio
 Phillip

A Bastardized Coffee mug with a bitter personality;  hot tempered and hyper-active, although prone to the occasional crash. He resulted from a prank by Zeus on Ares replacing Ares "creamer", which obviously didn't go over well with the God of War and indirectly led to the Colombian Civil War.

 
Carrie

The Pet Carrier daughter of Zeus, resulting from Zeus’ foiled attempt to mate with a house cat.  Carrie is thoroughly over protective with a tendency to hold things in until she opens up  usually to disastrous effect, there's only so long you can hold a rabid raccoon hostage after all.

 
Grant

A Bastard 50 dollar bill, a result of one of Zeus’ lonelier moments, and being a God thought nothing of cleaning up after himself with large currency.  Grant is an egotistical alcoholic who insists that he knows what is best, even though his ideas aren’t usually his own.

 
Wallace

The son of Zeus’ wallet and a side effect of Zeus’ creation of Grant, he‘s a God, not stupid, that‘s fifty bucks!  Wallace folds easily, but can still be trusted to carry things of value, and is usually the butt of Grant’s jokes. 
 
That's it for now, getting a little tired, I've still got more though...
#18 Posted by bfahrenbach (1 posts) - - Show Bio

"Cribby"

 Cribby is the unfortunate result of Zeus' philandering with a baby's crib.  Cribby grew distasteful of children and one day spat out the young child who was sleeping inside Cribby.  The child's parents grew extremely concerned and immediately called the police to settle the matter.  The police were befuddled by this talking, snarling anthropomorphic crib.  They wrestled the crib to the ground and threw it into the trunk of their patrol van.  As the police drove away, the then crying toddler asked if he would be able to visit Cribby in jail.  Cribby's oaken frame gave him tremendous strength which allowed him to burst out of the trunk of the van and gallop across the highway to take refuge in a nearby forest preserve.  Unable to locate him the police went back to precinct to fill out seemingly unbelievable reports about how they lost a talking crib.  It was a terrible day for everyone involved, except for Cribby, for he was now free.
#19 Edited by EdwardWindsor (14428 posts) - - Show Bio

Cerb-brush 
 Background
 Zeus went and did what he does best again "cheating on his wife Hera with anything he can find"  on one lonely summers mid afternoon he found a hair brush . This brush later produced cerb-brush. 
 Description
Cerb-brush is fiesty little hairbrush with a multicolour mein from all the hairs he had been dragged through much to hes distaste, due to being often mistaken as a normal hairbrush he is often picked up by random people and taken to new places "random handbags/draws and bathrooms". Due to his many adventures he has learned the arts of stealth and scopes out escape routes from hes wouldbe owners.

#20 Posted by No_name_here (1223 posts) - - Show Bio

So glad the creative juices flowing into what's looking to be a stadium-sized bowl of creative punch!  Let's see more! Light it up!
 
@Red L.A.M.P.  You want me on the podcast? Let's make it happen.  I dole out insanities like candy from my pocket.
 
@Babs I'd say we redefined the contest promo here, haven't we?

#21 Posted by katiecrimespree_III_jr_MD (14 posts) - - Show Bio

@ the world, Tom not only doles out insanity like candy from his pocket,  but he also does 
so from inside a white, windowless van
 
These are great guys, I'm giggling like a dandy just reading them. More more more!

#22 Posted by EdwardWindsor (14428 posts) - - Show Bio

 Hatless " said with a london based accient think snatch & lock stock and two smoking barrels, so it sounds like atlas"
 
the daughter of zeus and a hatstand, has a tall thin  look to her as well as being water resistant and sanded plane smooth, quite happy to hang around in the background is some waht of a wallflower due to far of accent being mocked.

#23 Edited by Fresh0133 (496 posts) - - Show Bio

Sally
 
The offspring of one of Zeus' less thought out and more painful daliances with a Salad Shooter.  Sally, an overly health conscious young lass, has an unusually sharp wit and tends to make a mess of things when left to her own devices.     
 

Connie

Zeus’ daughter birthed from a videogame controller after an intense foray into the dirty, filthy, nasty world of Leisure Suit Larry led him astray yet again.   Connie’s a bit simple by today’s standards, being 18 years old and all, but can still get the job done in most cases.

Umberto

The product of Zeus trying to teach Hercules to “Man Up” by repeatedly violating his favorite Teddy-Bear.   Swarthy, overly macho, and a bit on the obnoxious side, Umberto considers himself the ultimate ladies man, after all, who could resist such a testosterone infused package wrapped in supple soft velveteen?

Alright, I gotta stop for a while, I'm having waaaayyyyy too much fun with this, my co workers keep looking at me funny as cackle maddly at the computer screen.

#24 Edited by Ferro Vida (34678 posts) - - Show Bio

Tyler


 One of the first victims of Zeus's lustful ravaging was the tie that he wore loosely around his neck when he began his deluded escapades. Eighteen years later, Tyler, a neck-tie with a drinking problem and a strangle fetish began trying to make his way in the business world.
#25 Posted by The Sanguine Psychotic (39 posts) - - Show Bio

 

Melvin


 Things were going well for the ruler of Olympus when he was suddenly attacked by an inexplicable urge for smoothies.  The delicious mixture of yogurt, fruits and berries was too much for Zeus who then forced himself upon half of a cantaloupe left over from the beverage binge.  Melvin is now a middle-aged accountant eking his way through.  He lives in Winter Haven, Florida with his wife Daphne and their two daughters.
#26 Posted by The Sanguine Psychotic (39 posts) - - Show Bio

This is absolutely fantastic, by the way.

#27 Posted by Fresh0133 (496 posts) - - Show Bio
@The Sanguine Psychotic said:
" This is absolutely fantastic, by the way. "
Yeah, all of these entries are killing me, I hope Tom and Katie are having as much fun with this as all of us are.
Thanks a ton you two for letting me unleash twisted side a bit, I don't get much of a chance without winding up in jail for the night.
#28 Posted by Sunfell (2 posts) - - Show Bio

"Wanda"

 
A brief dalliance with an electric massager by Hitachi resulted in Wanda, who more than happily cures anything that ails you, and doesn't mind getting very personal while doing it... 
 

"Matt"

 
An accidental discharge on a large door mat led to the creation of Matt, whose mission in life is to trip up anyone who steps on him.  He was hired by a hospital that was slowly going broke in order to drum up business in the orthopedic department. He takes great pride in his work.
#29 Posted by Red L.A.M.P. (2828 posts) - - Show Bio

Spunky Brewster 

Zeus spunk lands on an old poster of Soleil Moon Frye, the actress who played the 1980s "Punky Brewster".  Now the poster haunts the back of young kids doors, pestering them with annoying yet cute questions long into the night.
Staff
#30 Posted by Red L.A.M.P. (2828 posts) - - Show Bio

Preston

 
Zeus, while jonsing for a fresh cup of french roast coffee, grabs the French Press off the kitchen counter.  Looking at the smooth cylindrical shape, that void just needing to be filled, Zeus cannot help himself and jam packs the coffee press with his own brand of creamy latte!   Now Preston is out for revenge, half full of Zeus spunk, half full of french roast, he's ready to serve up his old Dad a mouthful of something more then just coffee.
Staff
#31 Edited by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio

Jizz-E

Jizz-E is the result of Zeus' messy one night stand with the lead microphone of the rapper, Jay-Z. This hyper sensitive bastard is continuously drunk and refuses to speak in anything other then "auto-tone." His hypnotic voice lyrically molests any lady within ear shot. Banned from just about every V.I.P lounge in Los Angels, he now follows has been groups of the early 90's such as C&C Music Factory and Milli Vanilli, in hopes of resurrecting some semblance of the fame he once enjoyed.
Moderator
#32 Posted by katiecrimespree_III_jr_MD (14 posts) - - Show Bio

@ Gambler:
"His hypnotic voice lyrically molests any lady within ear shot."
Bwhahaha!  Also at first I read literally instead of lyrically, which was also awesome.
 
@ Fresh 03
Hell yeah we are!!

#33 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio
@Red L.A.M.P. said:
"

Preston

 Zeus, while jonsing for a fresh cup of french roast coffee, grabs the French Press off the kitchen counter.  Looking at the smooth cylindrical shape, that void just needing to be filled, Zeus cannot help himself and jam packs the coffee press with his own brand of creamy latte!   Now Preston is out for revenge, half full of Zeus spunk, half full of french roast, he's ready to serve up his old Dad a mouthful of something more then just coffee. "
Awesome lol I just had the exact same idea and name, I guess I'll have to kill that baby and start over
#34 Edited by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio

WATTSON

 
Wattson is the result of the unlikely union between Zeus and a Common Household Lightbulb. Lets just say Sparks Flew if you know what I mean. Wattson is a bright young chap from the ye olde Brighton, With a penchant to light up anyone's day and an almost obnoxious cheery disposition. Wattson has the power to inspire misguided individuals down on their luck and breath brilliant  ideas into their vacuous minds. 
Unfortunately Wattson holds little inspiration for himself and believes Zeus is the one person/god who can give it to him.
#35 Posted by CaptainBooze (1 posts) - - Show Bio
@Tyler Starke: haha awesome!
#36 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio

 

KAT

 
 Zeus fresh off a 12 hour Martial Arts marathon at the local cinemaplex, had a deadly desire to make love to the hottest weapon known to man a Katana and thus Kat was born. Kat is sharp young lady with an edgy wit to match, Kat tore through her Samurai training like a knife to butter. She is eager to prove herself to Zeus and won't let any of the other Hybrid Bastards get in the way of all her shiny glory.
#37 Posted by The_MVPs (84693 posts) - - Show Bio
@Red L.A.M.P. said:
"

Spunky Brewster 

Zeus spunk lands on an old poster of Soleil Moon Frye, the actress who played the 1980s "Punky Brewster".  Now the poster haunts the back of young kids doors, pestering them with annoying yet cute questions long into the night. "
This one is my fav so far.
Moderator
#38 Posted by Ferro Vida (34678 posts) - - Show Bio
@Red L.A.M.P. said:
"

Preston

 Zeus, while jonsing for a fresh cup of french roast coffee, grabs the French Press off the kitchen counter.  Looking at the smooth cylindrical shape, that void just needing to be filled, Zeus cannot help himself and jam packs the coffee press with his own brand of creamy latte!   Now Preston is out for revenge, half full of Zeus spunk, half full of french roast, he's ready to serve up his old Dad a mouthful of something more then just coffee. "
This one would have my vote
#39 Posted by Anderson: Agent of SMITH (234 posts) - - Show Bio
@G-Man: 
 Are we allowed to attatch a rough sketch of our idea along with our description? I keep finding myself doodling my dude, and I wanted to know if I could include one of said doodles. 
(I also think my summary is at about 75 words, so I was hoping if you could tell me whether or not that's okay. I see a few other longer ones too.)
#40 Posted by Red L.A.M.P. (2828 posts) - - Show Bio
@Anderson: Agent of SMITH said:
" @G-Man:  Are we allowed to attatch a rough sketch of our idea along with our description? I keep finding myself doodling my dude, and I wanted to know if I could include one of said doodles. (I also think my summary is at about 75 words, so I was hoping if you could tell me whether or not that's okay. I see a few other longer ones too.) "
Do it!  We'd love to see it
Staff
#41 Posted by No_name_here (1223 posts) - - Show Bio
I think we've broken the dam of creativity here, and now we're being flooded by a deluge of creative juice!  These responses give me such a swell!
 
@Anderson: Agent of SMITH: Doodle away! Anybody else who wants to draw too, go ahead  And 75 words is fine!  We figured 50 or less was a reasonable amount to ask of people, but the Comic Vine community is EXCEEDING my EXPECTATIONS of ENTHUSIASM! So let it rip!
#42 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio

Creative juices, Zeus' juices, it's getting crazy around here...

Staff
#43 Posted by Archetype (731 posts) - - Show Bio

Jose

 A common outdoor water hose given sentience via divine intercourse.A most competent and smooth hose he is sneaky,conniving, and brilliant.If his father can creep like a snake through the grass and squirt him in the face then he'll be damned if he doesn't return the favor.
 

Malinda

 A fancy mailbox, well as fancy a mailbox as anyone has but don't tell her that.Malinda is a high class gal, she's a gossiper (talkative), and a bit of a bitch.Zeus may have delivered a package in the middle of the night but Malinda plans on stamping it "Return to Sender".
 

Nancy

 A discarded pregnancy test...Oh the irony! Nancy is constantly confused and a tinge bipolar (switching from positive to negative).She is an airhead but not in the cute way more of a I'm worried about the state of your sanity kind of way.
 

Tillie(or Tilly)

 A lumbering utility pole.If any of these characters could be voiced by Brad Garrett it's this guy! He isn't slow mentally but he is a bastard of few words.He's peaceful and passive the antithesis of Malinda.If anyone can handle the electricity Zeus would throw their way it's Tillie. 
 
I think that's all i got.Zeus isn't the only one that's going to be exhausted I just made love to everybody's' imagination...I really had to reach for some of those but I'm sure I've got a few more swimming around in my brain.I really enjoy reading all the entries and I hope you guys like mine.
#44 Posted by Anderson: Agent of SMITH (234 posts) - - Show Bio
@Tom Pinchuk:
@Red L.A.M.P.: 
 
 Thank you both. (Althought the word count actually came closer to 90)
 
So without further ado... 
 

 

MICK (The Comic)


  Zeus was bored on the can one day and made the mistake of reading a copy of “Hybrid Bastards!”After seeing his portrayal, he grew angry, but rather than destroy this golden opportunity, he gave it life, creating “Mick”. Born of rage, he now lives to serve his father! How? BY KILLING TOM PINCHUCK (technically, his grandfather?) AND THE HYBRID BASTARDS!!! The end of path of vengeance is already written on his own pages, but he can’t read it, because… well… his face is on the cover… and that’d make it physically impossible. Duh. 

 

#45 Edited by ClockworkDrago (102 posts) - - Show Bio

Oreona

    Her pale and creamy skin exudes an aroma of sweetness, that reminds everyone men and women of that sweet goodness that was their youth. Created after zeus split her mother in half and had some of her her cream filling. Like her mother she has been tasted by everyone i mean how can you resist she is literally hot sticky sweet

#46 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio

Just a few more days to enter this baby.

Staff
#47 Posted by Jon Buran (2 posts) - - Show Bio

  Here's my entry you bastards! 
 
SUKI 5000 a.k.a. "Suki Sue" as she's known in "The Closet" 
 
Origin: 
 
One quiet summer morning, Zeus strolled into his giant kitchen to make a roast beef sandwich. Upon completion, he peered into the fleshy, meaty, sauce-dribbling crevaces of beef, packed between two warm buns, lightly toasted with a pinch of melted butter to gloss the exterior. His erotic infatuation with the sandwich would have to wait however, as there was a strange lack of noise coming from the rest of his palace. Apparently, he forgot to pay his cleaning staff that week and let it be said that even in the ivory halls of Olympus, mothafuckas gotta get PAID! 
 
This was a disaster as Zeus, no doubt the ruler of the heavens, lord of the thunder and lightning that struck fear in the hearts of mortals the world over, had never wielded a scrubbing brush. Never once had the commander of storms laid a hand on a cleaning instrument. This was, of course, about to change. For Zeus knew that in order to have his weekend bash approved by the missus, the palace needed to be spotless. The very thought of such a hurdle standing in the way of Zeus getting 'crunked' and 'makin babies' formed a storm so terrible, the oceans crashed at shores of Greece a thousand times harder that they had ever crashed before. 
 
Clean the palace. 
This was his task. 
This, my friends, was his destiny.... 
 
But in the end, he ended up vacuuming a carpet in the main hall with his " Huuver Zenith 2200" and immediately became bored with the quest. A full belly of prime roast beef had made Zeus feel very comfortable and warm, but the visual taunting of the roast beef still lingered in his mind. After realizing that he was, after all, alone in the palace at this point, his loins began to tingle and shift until finally, he could take no more. 
 
Few lovers feel such aggressive, sweaty and heated passion that Zeus and his beloved Zenith 2200 felt that calm quiet morning. Few lovers have the proper suction to have such an episode, only to have the surrounding love nest be so clean you could dine on it's floors. Zeus and Zenith were such lovers... 
 
Of course there is no cause without effect. In fact, nine months later, the effect came in the form of the Suki 5000. "Suki Sue", as she is commonly known throughout all kingdoms of Gods and men, would go on to succeed even her own mother Zenith in the erotic arena of self pleasure. With a motor enhanced by Swedish engineers, Suki never loses suction, something we all wish even our most naughty of lovers could boast. 
 
Alas, dear Suki, you sucker of dirt and grime, you receptacle of fluids and lubricants, you HYBRID BASTARD. We love you, we salute you, we need you. 

#48 Posted by Jon Buran (2 posts) - - Show Bio

Son of a, didn't read the word requirement....  reposting.... 

#49 Posted by Tyler Starke (4410 posts) - - Show Bio

Oh mannn last day of entries!! I can't wait to find out who the winners are.

#50 Posted by G-Man (33966 posts) - - Show Bio

About three more hours until this closes!!!!

Staff