Kratos vs. God is Dead 'Verse

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NothingClever

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#1  Edited By NothingClever

The scene: (possible spoilers for GOW3 and "God is Dead")

An alternate ending to GOW3, having brutally slain his way up and down Olympus and wreaked bloody vengeance on... well, everybody really, Kratos is left in a dying world and with a choice to make. Taking a note from his favorite anti-hero: Kain (of the excellent, and woefully discontinued "Legacy of Kain" series...), he makes the obvious choice to save himself (he's a baller like that). He BFR's himself, with middle fingers held high, from his doomed world, his most fervent desire - to kill more gods. Low and behold! He winds up in the excellent "God is Dead" universe immediately after Jesus' arrival and the subsequent resurrection of all the gods, goddesses, monsters, giants, magical creatures, etc. etc.

He stumbles across Eros, toddler God of Love, and lays a spectacular helping of child abuse upon him. Eros finds Kratos immune to his "love" ability yet not immune to the inherent hilarity in a winged toddler with a foul mouth. The two strike a deal: Kratos will hack, slash, crush, maim, burn, and scrog his way across this new universe and will let Eros live so long as he gives him info on his upcoming opponents (and continues to be small and vulgar).

In order Kratos takes on:

Thor (no hands, Mjolnir crammed into a stump and let's say another, lesser, hammer shoved into the other one for symmetry. Thor is permanently salty over the various indignities a man with hammers for hands must suffer on a daily basis: itches bludgeoned rather than scratched, wiping being outsourced to elves, etc.)

The Trimurti: Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu merged together Voltron style.

Quetzalcoatl (at no point will Kratos have to spell this name).

Allastor: Hell's executioner. He takes a break from having sex with crocodiles to assassinate Kratos at Satan's behest. Allastor is armed with eight penises, one knife, and a suit made out of Astaroth's skin (the skin suit conveys no magical benefit, it's just way creepy).

The Midgard Serpent: insanely poisonous snake-dragon.

Atlas: unburdened from the weight of the world.

Arke: superfast goddess.

Gaia: does not end in sex (though a brief intermission isn't out of the question). Mastery of plants and the earth.

Zeus: armed with his lightning bolts and no idea why Kratos is so pissed off at him.

Satan: has been chugging Kamadhenu's milk and is pumped up on holy calcium.

Thanatos: Death touch and long distance death... pointing. Let's assume his death abilities can be defended against (and that the long range death point functions like a visible beam so as not to be an unblockable, invisible one-hit kill) by Kratos' armor/items but if contact is made with unarmored sections of Kratos' body he dies.

Bahamut (Three heads, "flame imperishable," great mover of the universe).

Balder: there is no mistletoe in sight but if Kratos can horribly abuse him into tapping out, he wins.

Heidr: Cat and bee minions. If this ends in sex Kratos is really not going to like it.

Kratos gets all standard gear as used in the video games. He gets a pair of chests to refill his health and magic between bouts.

I looked for this battle and did not find it so I apologize if this has already been done.

I do realize that the full extent of many of the combatants' power levels are not fully defined in the comics but they all seem to be pretty high level super humans: immense strength, extreme durability (for example it took a nuke and the machinations (and fire) of Bahamut to slay Gaia), super speed in some cases, magic, etc. The various gods/monsters also seem to employ strategy - ambush tactics, aerial or ranged attacks.

If this is a complete stomp or you have suggestions for changes please let me know.