Well this is an international website, in my country, April Fool's aka April first isn't just came today. So I'll amuse myself and try, I'll recommend other people to look the other way.
No really, my writing has been compared to Fractions Uncanny and Bendis.
Okay first of, even though its April's Fool's day, Deadpool would never pull a prank on this day, way too obvious. He'd do this the day after when people felt there most safe and secure and aroused... uhm. Anyway, first things first, he blackmail's Emma Frost by showing her that he has the photos of her and Iron Man, and there Marvel Two In One Cross over Special they uhm starred in as referred to in Civil War. Now he has a world class telepath with questionable morals and ethics on his side the fun begins, first she telepathically persuades per Deadpool's command, Nick Fury to dress up like She Hulk, take the most sophisticated SHIELD issue Roofies, to sneak up to Hulk while he is at the strip club, flirt a little bit with him (remember its Canon that Hulk once tried to date his cousin She Hulk, you can't argue with continuity) and slip a little bit of meta human Rohypnol into his Vodka Cranberry Lime Daiquiri on the Rocks. Hey, Hulk doesn't get to drink that often, and when he does, he indulges, and when he indulges its with girly drinks, you gonna tell Hulk his drinks are girly?
Okay, so Nick Fury has just pulled a fast one on the Hulk (very despicable as well) this is when Fury takes out a cell phone and snaps pictures of himself in the buff (but still dressed up as She Hulk, just She Hulk with am eye patch) with an unconscious and drooling Hulk. He sends these photos to all members of SHEILD, HYDRA, AVENGERS and the GIRL SCOUTS OF AMERICA. Yep, even the one where he si doing the handstand and uh, well yeah, not a pretty site! Especially that tattoo Fury has on his lower back of Dum Dum Dugan!
Okay, now Fury is taken care of, sending nude photos of your self to everyone whilst you are painted green and wearing a wig (and eye patch) right next to a sleeping Hulk... if that doesn't get you the trifecta (Oprah, Dr Phil and Jerry Springer) then nothing will. Plus I doubt Dum Dum's wife will be too happy either... BUT, Fury still has one more telepathic induced task to perform, and thats that SHIELD premium issue, hi tech, low fat, low calorie Red paint, and whilst Hulk is getting some shut eye still, give him a One Eyed Guy Eye for the Straight Green Guy beauty makeover! Painting him head to toe in Red paint! Oh, and paint his purple pants black too of course. I would say just buy some new purple pants, but there are none. Hulk's Purple pants are the only purple pants in the world, Only the Hulk and John Cena would wear such a weird color for shorts! And John Cena is Superman so he doesn't exist in this reality. Fury heads home,
Hulk on the other hand, well a telepathically controlled Hawkeye has just arrived on the scene in the Thanos Copter! He loads up the sleeping green giant and drives over to the location of Captain America movie premiere!! Which coincidentally will be held there later that night! (yeah Marvel 616 gets to see the movie first, and yea it sucks) and he loads up Hulk into an adamantium box at the base of a big Captain America statue they have constructed for his premiere. Then Hawkeye is mind controlled by Emma, to go home, replaced all his Arrow heads with heads filled with Red Bull, Bull Testosterone, Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen urine, and Modified Trigger scent. You know the stuff that makes X-23 go from a cute goth girl with sharp nails into Christian Bale on the set of a movie? That stuff, but modified to trigger someone else...
Deadpool calls Spider-man and begs for his house, he tells Peter that Kingpin snapped and locked him in Snooki's basement, and despite Peter's skepticism he knows Wade can get into trouble, and if Kingpin is at Snooki's hose well, like any sane person he might be about to kill someone... so Deadpool heads over to Spider-man's house wearing Emma Frosts outfit he just blackmailed her into giving him and breaks (he is wearing it, because it feeeeeeeeeeeelllllllls sooooooooooooo goooooooooooooood)
Deadpool breaks and enters and ransacks though Spidey's gear. He takes all his money (which since Big Time is actually quite a bit for a change, he takes Spidey's new suit, and he takes all those pictures of Mary Jane, and all the Aunt May ones, and he takes all the statures and paintings of Lord Mephisto Spidey has in his Lord Mephisto shrine. He takes all his shoes, and perfumes, and ties as well.
He goes to the bank, wearing the top half of the New Spider-man suit and lower part of Emma Frosts outfit. He screams his name is Spider-Frost the Emma Man. He doesn't kill anyone, but he leaves with a lot of money. He gives half of it to every homeless person on the way to his next destination, because that makes robbing the bank OKAY. Oh, except for D-Man. In D-Man's box for loose change he puts a note signed by Captain America saying,
"D-Man? Who the f--- is D-Man? I don't know no D-Man, and if I did, he would be a smelly loser with a Big L, just like i have a big A on my head, D-Man would have a big L! Now GTFO, I need to get ready for my big Hollywood premiere tonight, I am so totally gonna score with a bunch of chicks tonight! I bet I score more chicks tonight than Batman scores on his move premiere night! Hey Jarvis, while your waxing my legs, can you make a note reminding me to tell Batman I scored harder and better on my movie premiere night than he did? Also why I am writing this all down in a note? Oh thats right, because its the Truth! Signed Captain America (and not Deadpool)"
Deadpool's next destination is the house of the America's Next Top Model Contestants. The Cycle 25 contestants... and yeah... after 25 cycles, ain't no more hot girls left, and well no one frankly cares anymore. The house they are in is actually just a room at the back of a Korean Take Out. Deadpool arrives and offers each "girl" $100 dollars to dress up as Psylocke. Asian Psylocke. He also shows them all a picture of a man, and that man is Arkady Rossovich. He promises to each of them, that for each time one of them, that gets on camera at the same time as being twisted around one of his metal tentacles, he will give them an extra $50. $200 if they scream Tentacle Grape! Weasel arrives. Deadpool told him about "hot" Psylocke cosplayers and Weasal just showed up with a camera by his own nature.
Deadpool then sings 12 singing dancing telegrams, to the following five people. Arkady Rossovich, Wolverine, Clint Barton, Mary Jane and Tony Stark. Reminding them that they have been invited to the Captain America movie premiere. Well, that and they may now have Herpes, and they might want to check in at a clinic to verify. Tony and Clint were already going, cause the whole Avengers movie buzz and promo and everything, Wolverine decides to go because he lost his director and needs to find a new one, and this would probably be the best place, Arkady knows that Wolverine has lost his director and so is probably going to this movie in the hopes of finding a new one, so he starts getting ready to be at that movie premiere. None of them are surprised about the herpes news, they all already sorta figured... oh except Mary Jane... now she is really pissed at Spider-man....
After meeting America's next Top Model's and sending them out to make some money the REAL way, he heads back the X-Mansion, he goes into Kitty Pryde's room, where he is freaked to see that she is back. She asks him what he is doing in his room... wearing Emma Frosts underwear and thigh high boots and Spider-man's new... top... and Deadpool explains that when she was in the bullet in space he had been sleeping in her bed and staying in her room. Because it felt sooooooo gooooood.
Kitty vomits and starts choking, because she has a fishbowl on her head! (don't believe me, read the last couple of Uncanny issues....)
Deadpool takes his life bar and hits her with it, then he Shoryuken's her. She flies out the window and phases into the Earth. She is never seen again. Deadpool goes under her/his bead and pulls out his jar of Beast's hair he had been collecting for the last two years. Some times he collected it from the shower drain, sometimes he would shave Beast's back at night, point is Deadpool has a lot of it. Enough to glue on to someone 6'6" and 275 lbs. Deadpool takes his jar of Beast hair and some of Kitty Pryde's T-Shirts and scarves, and heads Emma's room for one last favor.
Wade heads to Wolverines room, and tells him that Iron Man and Spider-man have both been sleeping with Kitty Pryde! With Emma Frosts help, Wolverine actually buys in and believes what Wade is saying. Deadpool explains that both Spidey and Iron Man have been keeping Kitty locked up in an adamantium box at the base of a big Captain America statue that they have constructed for his movie premiere. Deadpool also warns him that Beast is angry at Wolverine for being hairier than him. He warns Wolverine that the Beast is coming for him, and to BEWARD THE BEAST! Enraged Wolverine heads off to rescue Kitty.
A part of Emma's last favor was to also make Sabretooth drink plenty of warm milk,Sabretooth was actually a few miles near the big Cap America movie premiere. Deadpool tracks him down and pastes Beast's blue hair he had in his jar of it, all over Sabretooth's sleeping body.
All this you understand takes a while, and its actually near night time and the big movie premiere. A bunch of Hollywood celebrities are showing up and walking down the red carpet into the movie theatre, a lot of super heros too. Bunch of Marvel writers and editors. Oh, and a lot of them are laughing about a bunch of nude cross dressing green skinned Samuel L. Jackson pictures they all got on their phones sent to them.
Suddenly a short hairy canadian guy (Wolverine) appears out of know where and starts attacking the bottom of the big Captain America stature. Its base... its adamantium base... he is making some cuts, but its really hard. then suddenly Omega Red sees its Wolverine and so runs out to attack him. Captain America is pissed, they are making a mockery of his opening night. They are ruining his movie!!!!!!!
Omega Red gets close enough to attack Wolverine, when 12 "girls" who look like Psylocke all start running at him, and jumping on him screaming tentacle grape! Weasel stands their with a video camera recording Wolverine trying to save Kitty, and Omega Red getting accosted by hot asian ninja girls screaming tentacle grape. He also films Captain America crying that his movie premiere is turning into a fiasco and that he won't be able to bang as many hot girls as Batman did at his movie premiere when SUDDENLY! A giant angry blue GROVER (aka Sabretooth covered in Beasts hair) runs out and starts attacking Wolverine who has finally managed to make a big hole in the adamantium box. Then, a massive scream erupts. Hulk has woken up, and Hulk screams so loud that bricks are laid. Hulk screams "HULK BEEN VIOLATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he busts out that box and now everyone knows its serious, because ist RULK!!!!!!!!!, Hawkeye pulls out all his arrows, and shots them all into Hulk and Sabretooth. Uhm, two also hit Wolverine. Now what Hawkeye didn't know, was that earlier... Deadpool actually made him fill his arrows with Red Bull, Bull Testosterone, Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen urine, and Modified Trigger scent... you think Hulk was angry after his son and wife were killed in Planet Hulk? Red Bull, Bull Testosterone, Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen urine, and Modified Trigger scent makes him that angry... TIMES 100.
Weasel watches him rip off Wolverines head and punt it to Alaska... BUT WOLVERINE infused with the power of Red Bull, Bull Testosterone, Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen urine, and Modified Trigger scent just re-grows another one and starts fighting angry Hulk. Weasel also films Cap punching Hawkeye for having arrows filled with Red Bull, Bull Testosterone, Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen urine, and Modified Trigger scent.
Spider-man or say Peter Parker arrives with Mary Jane, he is wearing a shirt and pants, no tie or jacket or shoes. Someone stole then.. he also has a black eye. For the last two hours he has been trying to explain to Mary Jane, he didn't give her Herpes! Just then, D-Man shows up and starts attacking Captain America! D-Man absolutely owns him. Iron Man is pissing himself with laughter at everything that is going on.
That is until on the Jumbotron that has been repeating the Captain America trailer over and over stops, and a video of Emma Frost and Deadpool appears. Its a video of Deadpool blackmailing Emma Frost with the info about her and Tony's "Secret Invasion" "tie in" Emma goes on to explain how indeed, her and Tony did have... a fling, but that he wasn't very good and cried a lot, and that also his... Repulser Ray and Proton Cannon... well they looked a lot bigger in the movies, and that not every armor upgrade has been an armor upgrade... if you know what I am saying... (her words not mine)
Weasel tapes this as well. He tapes everyone who is not Tony Stark laughing their asses off.
Then Deadpool rips off his upper body to reveal... its been Emma the whole time!! Emma kicks Weasel in the Weasel (thats his prank over) and she sends the video of all that, that went on (Fury dressed up as She Hulk, Sabes covered in Beasts hair, Omega Red beaten up by Next Top models dressed as Pyslocke screaming tentacle grape, Wolverine getting pummled by the "Red Hulk" Hulk being Red Hulk, Hawkeye's arrows making things worst, D-Man beating up Cap, Spider-man giving Mary Jane Herpes, and wearing no shoes, and Iron Man revealed to be... not such an Iron... Man....) to the real Deadpool with a postage note saying PWNED.
And that kids is how you waste 15 minutes of your life.
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