A Meeting of the DC Minds (Satire)
Didio: Hellllllooooooo, lady and gentlemen! Welcome to another super duper fun filled, extra special meeting our of wonderful company! First things first; Grant, my friend, where is Batman headed next!?
Morrison: Well, I thought that with the success of Batman Inc.
(Room appears skeptical at the mention of the word "success")
Morrison: Well, with the start of Batman Inc, I feel that we should take Batman and his franchise to the next logical conclusion, the JLB. The Justice League of Batman. The Justice League, only more Batman.
Didio: I'm not sure I follow, what do you mean Grant?
Morrison: Well, imagine the Justice League, if everyone was a Bat. SuperBatman, WonderBatwoman, Batanna! Batman everywhere!
Didio: Right, right, I'm not sure how that'll work, Grant. Do you have an endgame?
Morrison: I'm Grant Morrison.
Didio: Good point, OK, go nuts. Next topic; Superman Grounded. Joseph, what are your ideas for your notes to leave another writer in the future once you get bored?
Straczynski: I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening.
(Didio draws an S in the air with his finger)
Straczynski: Oh yes, Superman. Well, after Grounded, I figured that we'd have Clark develop a new superpower, the ability to heal the sick. Then once I've abused that concept for about 15 issues, he'll be able to walk on water.
Didio: But... he can fly....
Straczynski: What does flying have to do with Jesus?
Didio: I meant Superman.
Didio: Ok, next topic. Geoff, I've heard you want to do a Secret Origins for Diana, talk us through it.
Johns: Alrighty, well firstly I retcon it so that Steve Trevor didn't crash land on Themyscira; Hal Jordan did. Is your mind blown yet? So Hal has just got his ring, and he's learning how to use it when he stumbles upon this ancient Greek society full of scantily clad women. Naturally, because Hal Jordan is the greatest person ever, they all fall in love with him, except Hippolyta who remains suspicious of man. Then Hal meets Diana and he saves her life from an attack by the Black Lanterns, coz they're there too. Oh, it's going to be retconned so that Blackest Night was actually the return of the Black Lanterns. This was the first time they appear. Anyway, Hal defeats the Black Lanterns with the power of his Green Lantern Ring, which causes them to develop an immunity to any one single power of the emotional spectrum. So then after that, Hippolyta decides that men are actually OK and Diana leaves with Hal to see the United States. Also, we'll have to retcon every flirtation Diana has ever had with any member of the Justice League to being a deep-seated love for Hal Jordan.
(Gail Simone throws a brick at Johns)
Didio: Thank you, Gail. What the hell is with the retcons, Geoff?
Johns: I am the god of time!
(Johns laughs maniacally and runs from the room)
Didio: Sure, why not. On to you, Gail, what are you ideas for your upcoming stories?
Simone: Well, in the next issue of Secret Six, Catman fights and defeats Lady Shiva in hand to hand.
Rucka: And what are your good ideas?
Whole Room: Buuuuuuuuuurn!
(Simone extends her middle finger)
Didio: Moving on, Greg, my man, how's Batwoman coming along?
Rucka: Well unfortunately, it's been delayed again. Looks like it wont be shipping monthly until 2086. I've written 500 issues, which is handy, since I'll be long dead by the time the book finally gets on the shelves.
Didio: Don't worry, you'll come back at the end of Blackest Night #8, every one else did.
(Off panel) Johns: Screw you, guys, I'll retcon you all out of existence!
Didio: Back to you, Gail, what's going on in Birds of Prey?
Simone: I had some great ideas involving Nightwing joining the Birds...
Morrison: But he's Batman!
Simone: Yes, Grant, he's Batman. But when he's not Batman anymore...
Morrison: He'll always be Batman! Well, until the Justice League of Batman is shutdown.... by the Legion of SuperBats!
Simone: (Sighs) I withdraw my statement.
Didio: Speaking of incoherent Batman stories, when the heck is Dark Knight: Boy Wonder going to be done, Frank?
Miller: It's already done. Batman and Robin go out and beat up some criminals, then have sex with multiple hookers, then when a young woman tells them what they're doing is madness; they yell; "Madness? THIS IS GOTHAM"! And kick her in the chest so that she falls down a ravine.
Didio: Wow, that just sounds...awful. Truly, truly awful.
Miller: Thanks, I'm really proud of it. All this hooker talk has made me antsy, I best call some.
(Miller pulls out his cell phone)
Didio: Pete, what's happening with Brightest Day?
Tomasi: What the hell is Brightest Day?
Didio: The book about the resurrected characters?
Tomasi: Oh, you mean the Retcon Book. Yeh, it's going alright. Aquaman gets his hand cut off and gets a new one four more times, or something like that, we haven't really got anything solid going. Mostly we're just throwing in random crap while we're baked. Anyone read that White Lantern Batman issue? How pointless was that!? Haha, I was so wasted the night I wrote that; I kept calling my wife Deadman.
Didio: I'm sure she loved that... Now where were we, that's right, Joseph, your Wonder Woman, where is that headed?
Straczynski I'm writing Wonder Woman?
Didio: You were supposed to be, you left notes for Phil Hester.
Straczynski: Then ask him.
Didio: Alright, Phil what's happening with Diana. If you say that she's in love with Hal Jordan I'll have Gail throw a brick at you.
(Simone readies brick)
Hester: Um, no... At the moment we're exploring Diana's mistaken identity. Truth be told, I have no idea what the point of this story is, I'm mostly just killing time til I can try and write some real Wonder Woman stories.
Didio: Well, that about wraps it up I think. Thanks for the time, gang! Everyone have a good day!
(Geoff Johns runs in holding a piece of paper)
Johns: You see this? This is your Birth Certificate, Dan
(Johns burns the Certificate)
Johns: You've just been Geoffconned out of existence, b****!
(Didio leaves the room)
Miller: Where the hell are my damn hookers?!
*Catman and Huntress talking*
Catman: "I bit Bronze Tiger in the juggular."
Huntress: "I threw blood in Lady Shiva's eyes and knocked her on her ass."
*they pause gazing into each other's eyes*
Huntress: "Let's kiss"
Catman "yes, let's."
This either has sealed my intend to read some DC or convinced me not to. Either way, from someone who has no idea what any of that means, it still came across hilarious.
Now -- if you can have Gail hurt that brick Cyclops' way, I will rate this installment of yours 10 stars PLUS.
This edit will also create new pages on Comic Vine for:Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.
Comment and Save
Until you earn 1000 points all your submissions need to be vetted by other Comic Vine users. This process takes no more than a few hours and we'll send you an email once approved.