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The 5: Items That Grind My Gears

Ever seen an object in a comic and asked, "Why in the (bleep) does that character have that?"

A couple weeks ago, I went over some really tubular comic book items that I would love to own the heck out of! It got me thinking, what comic book items anger me? What items do I see serving no purpose? One of them came to me right away, but for the others, I did some serious searching through the object section of the vine to figure out what are 5 angering comic book items? 



 My cape is choking me...
 My cape is choking me...

Capes

No, I didn't just watch Pixar's The Incredibles. Capes may look "cool," but what purpose do they serve? They offer plenty of wind resistance, and they only hinder your speed. Capes don't always lie on your back after a long flight, sometimes they go over your face when you're trying to land. Then the bad guy can punch you in the face. It’s also something that the villain can just grab and take you down. You know what destroys a cape? Everything. Fabric isn’t cheap and the second the cape tears or burns, you have to make a new one. If it’s made of some sort of super fabric that shields you from everything, then I can see the point, but why not just make your costume out of that? Capes are worthless.




 It's actually Thomas Wayne's Harley.
 It's actually Thomas Wayne's Harley.

BatCycle

 
You’re Bruce Wayne, and you are also Batman. You have billions of dollars and a vast amount of technology at your disposal. Transportation-wise, you have a boat, a plane, a car… and a bike? Why do you need that? One could make the argument that you could maneuver through traffic easier, but the Batmobile is pretty slim already. Sometimes I wonder if they’re just adding more vehicles just because. What’s next? The Batunicycle? The Batmobile is infinitely cooler, leave the hog-riding to Nightwing… when he becomes Nightwing again or Red Robin.

 


 You don't deserve a jet, a team, or your own book.
 You don't deserve a jet, a team, or your own book.

Hex Jet

Did you know Force Works had their own jet? Did you know Force Works existed? It’s essentially West Coast Avengers with Iron Man leading. 90s-tastic! Every team gets a flying jet: Fantastic Four, X-Men, Avengers, and so on. A chunk of this team can fly with their own abilities. It’s time to get green people! (why did I just say this?) Hop on someone’s back who can fly and get to the bad guy that way. Or go buy a reasonably priced car. They should really just carpool with Fantastic Force. Jets aren’t an awful item, but when it goes to a team of Force Works caliber, then I have a problem.

 


 Only Superman and Werewolf by Night can hear this
 Only Superman and Werewolf by Night can hear this

Superman Signal Watch

Superman has super-hearing, super-speed, super-everything. His friends, however, not so super. They’re always in some sort of trouble, and that’s why Jimmy Olsen, who seems to be better at finding crime than Superman, has the Superman Signal Watch. This watch emits a high-pitched tone, one humans cannot hear, when Jimmy presses a button. So Supes hears the annoying noise, flies down, and slaps Jimmy for using it… I think. How bout this Kal-El? Never leave Jimmy’s side. Better yet, lock him up somewhere forever. He causes too many problems as is. Also, can’t Superman’s super-hear pick up people screaming, cars crashing, and other nonsense? Jimmy has to stop sticking his nose into people’s business.

 
 
 


 Guys! Hop in! We're goin to the dunes for a beach party!
 Guys! Hop in! We're goin to the dunes for a beach party!

Spidey-Mobile

Traffic in the city is awful. We all know this, so why would you want a car as your transportation, when you have the ability to swing above the congestion? “Mysterio has the city gripped in fear, and only I can stop him. Too bad it’s rush hour! Oh no! I forgot money for the toll.” This doesn’t even look cool. The only counter-point I can think of is that maybe Spidey’s upper-body gets tired from all the webswinging, but since he has super-human strength, this shouldn’t be a problem. It’s like giving the Flash a helicopter or like giving Colossus a bulletproof vest. Unless Spiderman is going off-roading on some dunes somewhere, this vehicle serves no purpose other than letting regular citizens know that Spidey is just like them because he drives to work too.



There you have it, 5 items I just can’t stand. I'll be back in another week or two with 5 things I love or hate, depending on my mood.

What about you guys? Check out the objects section of the vine and let us know what grinds your gears!


 
 


 ~ Mat Elfring (InferiorEgo) is a comedian, teacher, comic store employee, comic book writer, and angry about Force Works... a decade later.  ~       


78 Comments

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Kairan1979

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Edited By Kairan1979

About capes - let's not forget Spawn's symbiotic cape.

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Illyana Rasputin

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Edited By Illyana Rasputin

1. Capes 
2. Tights 
3. Excessive "Utility Pouches"
4. Tracing 
5. Retconning

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Zejeck

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Edited By Zejeck

Why did Spidey have a car?

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InnerVenom123

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Edited By InnerVenom123

Batman's cape is essentially a badass version of your high school chemistry class's fire blanket.
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rasx

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Edited By rasx

Besides some DC characters I dont think anyone at Marvel wear their undees on the outside anymore.
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00 Raiser

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Edited By 00 Raiser
@Sexy Merc:  LOL that picture!
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mystery997

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Edited By mystery997
 
 

 
 
 there's is one thing i am confused about and dont like. The IRONMOBILE i mean ironman can fly at speed beyond supersonic andhe uses a car. FOR WHAT? he has superstregth and a unibeam the car has nothing but non blow out rubber tires and a light armor i mean really it is so not neccessary tell me if u agree

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RATZGobbler

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Edited By RATZGobbler
@Dominic Chabot said:
"

 Capes have their uses, what would a hero without a cape do here... hm? xP
 Capes have their uses, what would a hero without a cape do here... hm? xP
"
Well I don't know about you but in this particular circumstance, I find it to be cumbersome and in the way of the characters "aspects," if you get my drift.
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spiderpigbart

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Edited By spiderpigbart
   

    

   I would like to note that Supe's cape wouldn't choke him, 'cause it's attached to his shoulders, and it isn't around his neck.

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Decoy Elite

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Edited By Decoy Elite

Batman's Cape was fireproof in Kingdom Come and in The Dark Knight Returns and can cut people up. Only times capes have been useful. 
Also I hate Jimmy Olsen and count him as an object. I useless object that constantly gains super powers.

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MichaeltheFly

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Edited By MichaeltheFly
@inferiorego said:
" @Michael the Fly: I believe so, but I haven't seen it in quite a while. "
If I am not mistaken Brainiac was disguised himself as Bruce Wayne, and used his resources to built a rocket ship, or something like that.
Personally I liked the Joker Lex Luthor team up better.
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inferiorego

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Edited By inferiorego  Staff
@Michael the Fly: I believe so, but I haven't seen it in quite a while.
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MichaeltheFly

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Edited By MichaeltheFly
@inferiorego said:

" @Sexy Merc said:

" @inferiorego: Yeah, I agree. But, I've always been a fanboy for Batman/Superman pairings. Did you see the Batman TAS or Superman TAS, where Tim or Dick was teaching Superman how to be Batman since Bruce was out of town. It was pretty cool. "

yeah I love that episode. and it was a Superman TAS episode "
Didn't Superman and Tim battle Braniac in that episode?
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inferiorego

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Edited By inferiorego  Staff
@Sexy Merc said:

" @inferiorego: Yeah, I agree. But, I've always been a fanboy for Batman/Superman pairings. Did you see the Batman TAS or Superman TAS, where Tim or Dick was teaching Superman how to be Batman since Bruce was out of town. It was pretty cool. "

yeah I love that episode.
and it was a Superman TAS episode
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MichaeltheFly

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Edited By MichaeltheFly

Just my top 5 objects I would like having:

  1. Mjolnir- who wouldn't want a object that gives him godlike powers.
  2. Iron Man's Armor- all of them, why , because Iron Man had a armor basically for everything and anything.
  3. Batman's Utility Belt- do I even have to say why.
  4. Light Saber- not a big fan of Star Wars, but I am a big Light Saber fan.
  5. Sword of Doom- the perfect weapon and ally.
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sexy_merc

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Edited By sexy_merc
@inferiorego:
Yeah, I agree. But, I've always been a fanboy for Batman/Superman pairings. Did you see the Batman TAS or Superman TAS, where Tim or Dick was teaching Superman how to be Batman since Bruce was out of town. It was pretty cool.
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inferiorego

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Edited By inferiorego  Staff
@Sexy Merc said:
" @inferiorego: Yessir "
I wish that book didn't go downhill after that arc.
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sexy_merc

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@inferiorego:
Yessir
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inferiorego

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Edited By inferiorego  Staff
@Sexy Merc: Awesome issue. Superman Batman, right?
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sexy_merc

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Edited By sexy_merc
@inferiorego said:



My cape is choking me...
My cape is choking me...

Capes

No, I didn't just watch Pixar's The Incredibles. Capes may look "cool," but what purpose do they serve? They offer plenty of wind resistance, and they only hinder your speed. Capes don't always lie on your back after a long flight, sometimes they go over your face when you're trying to land. Then the bad guy can punch you in the face. It’s also something that the villain can just grab and take you down. You know what destroys a cape? Everything. Fabric isn’t cheap and the second the cape tears or burns, you have to make a new one. If it’s made of some sort of super fabric that shields you from everything, then I can see the point, but why not just make your costume out of that? Capes are worthless."



 
 
 
 
   
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LP

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Edited By LP

SPIDER-BUGGY FAILS EPICALLY.

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gonzooo

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Edited By gonzooo

HEYHEYHEY Spiderman mobile serves a great use..........for old man logan and blind hawkeye lol

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CylonDorado

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Edited By CylonDorado

Superheros have crazy vehicles for all kinds of reasons.  
 
GL to Flash: "Why do you need a van? Nevermind. I don't want to know." 
 
As for capes, I seem to remember Batman has some uses for it in some of his combat moves in Arkham Asylum, plus I think I've seen him protect himself from fire with it or some such. And it's kind of like a towel, and as we all know, the towel is the most useful tool in the universe :D.
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Joe Venom

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@Emperor Gonzo Noir said:
" Superman's reaction to overuse of the 'signal-watch'

No Caption Provided
"
Lmao! I got to have that issue
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deactivated-5af7470263a09

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Regarding capes, i think TDK had a neat idea that Bats could recoil his cape into a backpack when hes fighting or moving on foot.Realistically,  If he has the cape unfurled all the time it'd be easy for any thug to grab it, pull Batman down to the ground and stab him in the face( especially likely to happen when he fights 5 dudes at a time)
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They Killed Cap!

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Edited By They Killed Cap!

There are lots of lame vehicles...but I think it is part of the superhero code that you have a lame vehicle to graduate from street level.
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Aspenite

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Edited By Aspenite

Oh yeah! Who needs the Spidey-Mobile? Good choices.

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EdwardWindsor

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Edited By EdwardWindsor

some capes have theer uses sucha as the hoods and spawns most are pointless, i never understood while people who could fly would use a jet myself  eitehr, and the batcycle is lame why would you ever pick that over the btamobile unless it was out of petrol

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leokearon

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Edited By leokearon

 Who remembers the flying Batcave?
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MysterioMaximus

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Edited By MysterioMaximus

The Spider-Mobile honest to god doesn't bother me. You have to actually read the issue in which it appeared, which I doubt many have, it's actually meant to be an intelligent satire of the oftentimes shamelessly questionable marketing superheroes can be exploited for. Peoples complains of it are taken entirely out of context. It was intended as a joke. So really it’s not so much meant to be taken literally, more like a jab at the sell-outs aspects of the industry. Spider-Man begrudgingly took it on, knowing it was absolutely absurd.   

Capes don’t bother me so much either. I mean sure…from a practical standing point they’re usually pretty damn hindering. But common…it’s not really supposed to be realistic. It’s all relative. When I’m reading about guys who can shoot laser beams out of their eyes and blind men that can jump off rooftops, capes I can buy. Plus they have actually tried to make them more reasonable, like Batman Begins and the memory-cloth cape.    

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Emperor Gonzo Noir

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Superman's reaction to overuse of the 'signal-watch'

No Caption Provided
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SevanGrim

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@inferiorego:


im not with you on a couple of these. 
 
Capes: Guys likeBatman use them as diversions. When you jump down from a roof on a guy, he cant see your body. so your chances of not getting shot on the way down increase. And guys like Superman use them to protect other people. Standing between someone and their explosion is only half the save, as the flames still wrap around. But if their wrapped up, all the better. Lets also remember that most of the capes in comics are made of flame resistant materials. oh, and the capes slow  falls. we saw that (though it wasnt as good as it is in the more realistic cartoons) in Dark Knight.
 
Bat Cycle: the idea is that yes, it is more maneuverable. The batmobile can be easily hindered by slim alleys and corridors. With the Bat cycle, you can  go several places the car cannot, including roofs, stair cases, and buildings like malls and superstores. i dont think the Batmobile can traverse any of those areas with as much ease as a motorcycle.
 
Signal Watch: Jimmy and Lois both get into tons of trouble. I dont understand why Lois DOESN'T have one. Superman cant actually be everywhere or hear the whole world. he has to cut stuff out. And he also has to chose sometimes where he will be, as there are often several crimes going on at once, and he can only get to one or two. The signal watch symbolizes priority. Jimmy has proven time and time again that he can and will do everything he possible can to save lives and uphold the law. So when he uncovers something too big for him and calls, Superman comes, becuase Jimmy is one of those few people willing to stand up for his fellow man with no powers or weapons. he'sa good guy who will save lives till the day he dies, and as a result, he gets a direct line to the greatest backup in the world.
 
but yeah, spiderman shouldnt have a car, and i dont think every team can really afford a jet
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Archetype

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Edited By Archetype
@inferiorego said:

"Hop on someone’s back who can fly and get to the bad guy that way  "

This reminded me of the Ambiguously Gay Duo lol.
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Dr. Maxwell

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Edited By Dr. Maxwell

The Capes being a stupid accessory to the costume originally came from Watchmen, not The Incredibles, Dollar Bill gets his cape stuck in a revolving door while trying to stop a robbery and is killed.

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Xion

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Edited By Xion

I love capes, but i will agree on everything else lol

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Yung ANcient One

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Edited By Yung ANcient One

I. Capes: Bats uses his cape like a shield kinda... to protect himself from harm, yes... he can use that material on his costume... which he does... the costume is 2nd shield... and Cape is number one... or vice versa... and He also uses the cape to hide his moves... u kno... hide his body so tha villain doesnt kno what fist will he use to punch and etc...
 
II.Batcycle: If his Plane and car breaks down... the BAtcycle is the BAck Up ride...
 
III. Hex Jet: people get tired... it be really dumb to FLy across the US...to fight some disaster and show up tired because u had to carry someone the entire time... and fly... 
 
IV. Signal Watch: yea i dunno what to say...
 
V. People get tired... Have u tried to swing threw NYC everyday... A man gets tired OK... Leave Spidey alone... Why don't u walk all the time?

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Son_of_Magnus

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Edited By Son_of_Magnus

Batman's cape serves tons of purposes both defensive and offensive just some writers like to forget about that. Plus they look super cool and that is all that matters

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Raddra

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Edited By Raddra

If the Bat Motorbike was something like a scrambler, small light and able to manouver throguh sidestreets etc easy, I could understand.  
 
They made them illegal to ride on the roads here because they make it too easy for criminals to escape the police without air cover, and theres a police division that rides them because it makes catching fleeing suspects/criminals easier.  They serve a purpose.
 
That big bulky bike though, doesnt.

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ElectricPrune

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Edited By ElectricPrune

I know it's supposed to be all ha-ha funny and all. I get it. And everything you mentioned is kinda worthless. (although the Hex jet could have a lot of uses in the field, for example a portable medical bay)
 
But they are all exceptionally cool and I'd rather be a superhero with them than without them!

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Justize

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Edited By Justize

Capes serve a purpose. It blocks Superman's bright red ass whenever he's turned around.

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deactivated-579fe0ae58107

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Christian Bale in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight is theonlyone to make a cape functional. All other capes = major fail.  
 
Adam West in the 1960's Batman is theonlyone to make the Batcycle cool - because of the Robin-threatening detachable sidecar. He also made the Batcopter, Batboat and Bat-shark-repellant and Batusi cool. All other attempts = collossal fail. 
 
Since the Silver Age (or was it Golden Age?) Superman already had one Daily Planet staff member shrieking like a little girl, he decided to give Lois a signal watch. Unfortunately, he had re-fashioned his late father's watch into a signal device and it didn't match Lois' wardrobe. It did match Jimmy's bow-tie...and his eyes... 
 
The alternative to the Spider-Buggy was to give Spider-Man a cape...or an invisible jet... no thought was given to a Spider-cylce...      
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the_orange_crush

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Edited By the_orange_crush

The spidey-mobile grinds my gears based on that list. Although, I did have the spidey-mobile remote controlled car.

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NightFang3

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Edited By NightFang3

The Spidey-Mobile the only thin I have a problem with.

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EisforExtinction

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Edited By EisforExtinction

I did a list about objects that sound like private parts.

Objects That Sound Dirty

When you're fighting crime or making crime happen you don't always have time to name thing properly. More often than not you'll give an object a name that describes it well but neglect to think that name sounds dirty. Here are some examples.

1. Mother Box

My mother is a saint.

2. Boom Tube

A Boom Tube is created by a Mother Box and goes through an interstellar portal. Any questions?

3. Cosmic Divining Rod

"The device has the ability to detect and drain a Green Lantern's energy. It can then fire this energy in destructive blasts." Yup. yup, it does.

4. Vibranium

It's the ladies choice.

5. Brainiac's Skull Ship

...okay this one might not actually be dirty.

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defaultdefaultdefault

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@chowy said:
" Besides Batman, i guess capes only work for characters that are somehow royalty Magneto or Dr Doom for instance. Magneto doesn't get his hands dirty that often,  "
actually you might have inadvertently stumbled on the reason so many characters have capes.
to wipe their hands, and spills, and blood stains and what not. and sweat from their brow after
the workout of fighting of course. i think the mystery has been solved.
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Nyogtha

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Edited By Nyogtha

Haha, love the Werewolf by night line!

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thatlad

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Edited By thatlad

Nightwing was Dick Grayson 
Red robin is Tim Drake 
 
2 different robins

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EisforExtinction

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Edited By EisforExtinction

1. Capes: Batman for example has a cape that is fire resistant. Go idea for the mean streets of Gotham where bums throw flaming garbage because that's what bums do.
2. Batcycle: Yo, Bruce Wayne has some coin. I like the fact he'll buy stuff and claim it will be used for crime fighting.
3. Hex Jet: Inflight movies are just part of the perks of being a super hero.
4. Signal Watch: Jimmy gets in trouble a lot. Superman likes to mess with Jimmy and give him a false sense of security. So when Jimmy is under siege by Intergang, Superman and Lois are getting busy.
5. Spider-Buggy: (A little play on word... even though spiders aren't bugs) Sometimes you go to get out of the city. Summer in the Hamptons perhaps. Peter Parker is a cat who likes his options (Gwen vs. MJ, just saying).

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burr787

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Edited By burr787

Like a lot of the people said above, capes serve a purpose for Batman. Bruce used it to deflect bullets and hide, while Dick has a lighter model that he uses to glide and stay hidden as well.

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