A couple weeks ago, I went over some really tubular comic book items that I would love to own the heck out of! It got me thinking, what comic book items anger me? What items do I see serving no purpose? One of them came to me right away, but for the others, I did some serious searching through the object section of the vine to figure out what are 5 angering comic book items?
No, I didn't just watch Pixar's The Incredibles. Capes may look "cool," but what purpose do they serve? They offer plenty of wind resistance, and they only hinder your speed. Capes don't always lie on your back after a long flight, sometimes they go over your face when you're trying to land. Then the bad guy can punch you in the face. It’s also something that the villain can just grab and take you down. You know what destroys a cape? Everything. Fabric isn’t cheap and the second the cape tears or burns, you have to make a new one. If it’s made of some sort of super fabric that shields you from everything, then I can see the point, but why not just make your costume out of that? Capes are worthless.
You’re Bruce Wayne, and you are also Batman. You have billions of dollars and a vast amount of technology at your disposal. Transportation-wise, you have a boat, a plane, a car… and a bike? Why do you need that? One could make the argument that you could maneuver through traffic easier, but the Batmobile is pretty slim already. Sometimes I wonder if they’re just adding more vehicles just because. What’s next? The Batunicycle? The Batmobile is infinitely cooler, leave the hog-riding to Nightwing… when he becomes Nightwing again or Red Robin.
Did you know Force Works had their own jet? Did you know Force Works existed? It’s essentially West Coast Avengers with Iron Man leading. 90s-tastic! Every team gets a flying jet: Fantastic Four, X-Men, Avengers, and so on. A chunk of this team can fly with their own abilities. It’s time to get green people! (why did I just say this?) Hop on someone’s back who can fly and get to the bad guy that way. Or go buy a reasonably priced car. They should really just carpool with Fantastic Force. Jets aren’t an awful item, but when it goes to a team of Force Works caliber, then I have a problem.
Superman has super-hearing, super-speed, super-everything. His friends, however, not so super. They’re always in some sort of trouble, and that’s why Jimmy Olsen, who seems to be better at finding crime than Superman, has the Superman Signal Watch. This watch emits a high-pitched tone, one humans cannot hear, when Jimmy presses a button. So Supes hears the annoying noise, flies down, and slaps Jimmy for using it… I think. How bout this Kal-El? Never leave Jimmy’s side. Better yet, lock him up somewhere forever. He causes too many problems as is. Also, can’t Superman’s super-hear pick up people screaming, cars crashing, and other nonsense? Jimmy has to stop sticking his nose into people’s business.
Traffic in the city is awful. We all know this, so why would you want a car as your transportation, when you have the ability to swing above the congestion? “Mysterio has the city gripped in fear, and only I can stop him. Too bad it’s rush hour! Oh no! I forgot money for the toll.” This doesn’t even look cool. The only counter-point I can think of is that maybe Spidey’s upper-body gets tired from all the webswinging, but since he has super-human strength, this shouldn’t be a problem. It’s like giving the Flash a helicopter or like giving Colossus a bulletproof vest. Unless Spiderman is going off-roading on some dunes somewhere, this vehicle serves no purpose other than letting regular citizens know that Spidey is just like them because he drives to work too.
There you have it, 5 items I just can’t stand. I'll be back in another week or two with 5 things I love or hate, depending on my mood.
What about you guys? Check out the objects section of the vine and let us know what grinds your gears!
~ Mat Elfring (InferiorEgo) is a comedian, teacher, comic store employee, comic book writer, and angry about Force Works... a decade later. ~