My whole life I've read about these fantastical objects capable of fantasticarific things, and I thought to myself, "How do I get my hands on that hot piece of equipment?" Finally, in my mid-20s, I realized that not only do comic book characters not exist, but neither do those awesome toys they have. I wanted to sue the government or someone else for falsely advertising all of this. I was heartbroken. Nevertheless, I can still write about it, until someone tells me ComicVine doesn't exist. (sad face) So I've carefully picked five items I wish existed in real life.
Before I get started writing about all these super cool items, I have to say one thing. I'm not into owning ridiculous comic book weapons. That's no fun! Plus, there's no way I could ever handle an infinity gauntlet. I'd probably poop myself trying to use it. I'm also leaving out Time Machines, like the Delorean and the T.A.R.D.I.S. It's too easy.
5. Lantern RingA Lantern Ring?!! I know I started with pretty much the one that can create everything... Obviously, I don't know how to format these articles well. However, the reason this is so high on the list is that I don't think I have enough of any of these emotions to last too long. My willpower is ok. I don't have that much rage, unless it's a Monday. I suck at scaring people. I'm not dead. I'm only moderately compassionate. I'm not greedy. I also don't have my heart filled with love. If there was a ring of Apathy, I might take that one. Anywho, I can now use my Apathy ring, color doesn't matter, to create a bunch of stuff, fly (in space), or make a surrogate to do my cleaning. With these other teams, there's a sense of duty, but with my InferiorEgo Corps, that doesn't exist. We would meet up like... whenever. We'll get a pizza or something. Maybe watch a movie. Or we can not meet up at all. I really don't care. This would be a pretty rad thing to own, unless everyone got one. Then everyone would not care about stuff....
4. Lasso of Truth
Imagine, with me, the many things you can do with a lasso of truth! "Hey friend! I got an extra ticket to the local football game. Want to come with me?" "No buddy, I'm busy." INSERT LASSO OF TRUTH "Want to come with me?" "No, I've always thought you to be vastly inferior to me as a human and I hate you." Now I know what's up! "Why are your prices so high?" "Well, see, this is a great product and you pay what you get for." INSERT LASSO OF TRUTH "Why are your prices so high?" "I've always thought you to be vastly inferior to me as a human and I hate you." Wow! The lasso lets me know that the world hates me! So, that would be fun for a week or so, but then it may lose its charm. So what do you do next? Join the rodeo! You have an unbreakable lasso at your disposal. Also, even the strongest bull can't break free! This is a win-win situation. Then, when bull riding gets boring, you can go back to finding out how much everyone secretly hates you. It's the circle of life! Get it? A lasso has a a circular part to it.... circle of life!
3. PokeballI don't like walking my dog, but I enjoy having my dog everywhere with me. What's a boy to do? Well, if the pokeball really existed, my problem would be solved. Walk the dog? No need for a leash. Walk to a field and.... "DOG I CHOOSE YOU! USE YOUR URINATION ATTACK!" When pokeballs are involved, everyone is screaming at the top of their lungs. If my dog ran away, too bad for her. I'd just press the button and suck her back into the pokeball. Take that false sense of freedom. But why stop there? I'd could keep my lunch in there. Screw that... I could keep my car in there! No more parking spaces in the faculty parking lot again? Suck it up into the pokeball. And when I get off of work... " TED KORD I CHOOSE YOU!" That would be so awesome. I bet I could store snacks in there too!
2. Sonic Screwdriver
I have one of these in my car currently, but it's just a pen... that makes super cool sonic noises. (redundant!) For those not in the know, the Sonic Screwdriver is from the Doctor Who Universe. It magically opens things! Mainly doors though. I can also repair my electronic equipment that's busted. Red rings of death? Not in my house, especially when using the Sonic Screwdriver.! Locked out of the car? Not a problem with the Sonic Screwdriver! I feel like an infomercial guy here. For the low low price of $19.95, you too can also open everything. Not enough? Well, we'll DOUBLE your order and throw in a lightsaber free of charge! I would really like to be able to open everything though.
1. HoverboardMARTY! Yeah, so this technically isn't in a comic book, unless featured in one of the few Back to the Future comics, but if you were a child of the 80s, this is what you wanted. The worst part was that rumors were everywhere that the Hoverboard existed, even on Entertainment Tonight. So, like many American children, that Christmas, I asked for a Hoverboard, and like many American parents, they couldn't find it. Now that I'm older, I realize that this doesn't exist, but it should. Skateboards are cool and all, but how many times have you been skateboarding and fallen off because you hit a pebble? Happened a lot to me. The Hoverboard is the literal definition of cool. (I wrote an entry for urbandictionary as a joke, but it is still under review from the editors... oh poop) Anyway, this is probably the coolest thing ever invented in the movie world and I demand it exists.
How about you guys? What things do you wish you could actually own?
I guess urbandictionary only accepts definitions involving sex and cussing.
Thanks for your definition of Cool!
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The Hoverboard from Back to the Future 2.
~ Mat Elfring (InferiorEgo) is a comedian, teacher, comic store employee, comic book writer, and headed back to the future. ~