Judge, jurors, and members of ComicVine, a crime has been committed in the world of comic books, and that crime is the abuse of the term friend… pal.
Dictionary.com defines friend as:
–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter
) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.
A synonym for that is “Pal.” The term pal denoting a tighter bond between the two friends, maybe even a “best friend.” We’ve all heard about how terrible a friend Superman is to Jimmy Olsen, however, the door swings both ways and Jimmy Olsen is NOT Superman’s pal. I’ve looked through the first 50 covers of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen, and I’ve found undeniable evidence that not only is Jimmy Olsen a terrible friend, he’s also a terrible human being.
Case 1: He’s thinks he’s better than everyone else.
Issue number one shows us right off the bat that Jimmy Olsen thinks he’s a better detective than Superman, and that he doesn’t need his help. Obviously, Mr. Olsen forgot his manners and left the rules of teamwork at the door! Jimmy and Superman are supposed to be a two man team, working together in order to solve the crime. He has no respect for anyone, only himself!
Case 2: He breaks the rules to get what he wants.
Man rule #32: Never date your buddy’s ex. Not only does Jimmy break that rule, here in issue 21, but he destroys it with a nuclear missile, and he urinates all over the ashes. We have a man who considers himself a supposed “friend” taking another man’s girlfriend down the aisle to wed her. Obviously Superman is physically distraught over this, but just too timid to say otherwise. Why is he too timid, well your answer lies within my next point.
Case 3: He’s a user and an abuser
Issue 22, proves that not only does Jimmy Olsen use Superman to do his evil-bidding, and yes, I just called him evil, but Jimmy also physically abuses Superman almost to the point of death! Can I get an Amen? Jimmy finds out he has Kryptonite eyes and decides to use them on Superman to do his evil bidding? Is that what one friend would do to another? I think not, friends are supposed to help each other.
Case 4: He considers thoughtful gifts a bartering tool
Issue 35 shows us that Jimmy takes advantage of friendship to a point where Jimmy will use gifts from Superman in order to get his own way. Jimmy obviously did something horrible, which as you can see greatly upset Superman, and instead of apologizing, like a man, he decides to smash a framed and SIGNED picture of Superman himself because if he does, Superman may open up his big heart and forget Jimmy’s indiscretion. I do say! Is this the action of a friend or an enemy?
Case 5: He belittles your accomplishments
My final piece of evidence today comes from issue 37 where that devious little “friend” decides to go watch Superman play on his intramural baseball team. However, when Superman finally gets the chance to hit that game winning home run, Jimmy robs him of it to show off his newfound stretching ability and catching the ball from the stands. Not only was it horrible to Superman’s ego, but it later led to THIS.
Would any of your friends do something like this to you? NO! Because they would be your enemies!
I move to change the title of the book from Superman’s Pal: Jimmy Olsen to Jimmy Olsen: Total Douchebag.
Now if it pleases the court, I’d like any other viner available to please present further evidence, in order to further prove Jimmy is a jerk.
~Mat Elfring (inferiorego) is a comedian, teacher, comic book writer, comic store employee and pretend lawyer.~